Lightning Demon Tetra: Hello all! My name is Tetra and I am here with my sister, Kyoto!

Dog Demon of the Afterlife, Kyoto: Hi!

Tetra: Enough of her! On with the fic. This is a story based on the tv show Angel and we own nothing! All ideas are our own but we own none of the characters except for Kellie, Kristen, and Paul Davis (-ish).

Kyoto: Yeah cause we really don't want to own him (shivers in disgust at the thought).

Tetra: So let's get on with the fic and tell us what you think!

It all started with an idea. A drunken idea…but still!

"Hey Kellie…I have an idea."

Kellie sighed. "For God's sake, Kristen, we are NOT going to gut Paul (our boss) and sell him on the black market! Remember, more gruesome."

"Yeah I know…wait…no. That's not the idea, but I have one for Paul. I was thinking we could get a chainsaw and branding bar…oh wait, off topic. Anyway, this is another one. A good one."

Kellie looked at Kristen. "Yeah, for once."

"Hey, that's not funny. Anyway, you know how we both think Angel and Spike are hot?

"Yeah."

"And we would definitely like to get in their pants?"

"Yeah!"

"And do very horrible, dirty things to them in a…"

"Get on with it!"

"Well fine. Let's kidnap them."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. I even have this lead pipe!"

"Oh I have this date rape drug!"

"Good, now you get Angel (drools a little) and I'll get Spike! Now move out!"

*2 Hours Later*

"I can't believe you have no idea where they are! How are we supposed to kidnap two hot, strong vampires if we can't find them? Dunce!"

"Shut up! I know for absolute sure they are not here. Or the other 15 places we have tried."

"Son of a…ooh there they are. They're walking out of that…gay bar?"

"Woohoo! Maybe they will be up for a four-some."

"You and me, never gonna happen. Now on to the kid…vampnapping!"

Kellie walked into the bar Angel just walked into, while Kristen followed Spike around back.

-Following Kellie-

I watched Angel sit down at the bar. The bartender, a 50 year old man who believes he is still in the 1900's, by his taste in clothes, served Angel a Bloody Mary (irony!). I went to sit a few chairs down and saw Wesley dancing and eating at the same time. I yell at him, "You are trashed!"

"I know," he replied, "and I've only had one root beer."

"You know there is no alcohol in those, right?"

"Really? Well, damn." (Hits floor face first)

Anyway, I had to lure the bartender away so I could get over to were he was at (in front of Angel). I sat for a bit thinking, then said, "Hey, Old Guy! Is that your 1912 Ford Model T?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, I just saw a midget take off in it. I just figured since you are so old it was yours."

"Shit! NOT MY CAR!" (He bolts out of the bar chasing the nonexistent midget who stole his nonexistent car) And at the same time, Angel and I scream, "Why is he not wearing any pants? EEEWWWW!"

I start sliding behind the bar to take Angel's "order". "What would you like, handsome?"

"No pants. He had NO PANTS!!!"

I stand there trying not to laugh. "Yeah, I saw that. Anyway what do you want?"

"Bloody Mary."

I turn around, make the drink and add a little pill. On second thought, the whole damn bottle. (Vampires are different than humans. Never know how much it would take. You understand.) Finally I add a hormone pill (sniggers devilishly). "Here you go!"

Angel drinks the whole glass in two sips. Five seconds later he's groggy and horny. "Let's go…out. I want to go…go to a…a sexy party."

"Oh honey, I'll take you to a party alright." I take his arm, lead him out the door, and then WHACK!!! He hits the ground. "Oh that was too easy. Time to get you locked up and violated."

-Meanwhile…following Kristen-

'Now if I was Spike, where would I go?' I walked further down the alley and finally spot the bleach-blonde hottie smoking by a trash can (fitting). I also see an old man with no pants running down the street like a psycho screaming "NOT MY CAR!". What the fuck? Anyway, I decide now is the time to be dramatic. "Oh my GOD! It's Marilyn Monroe standing over a grate so her skirt flies up and shows her panties!"

As I remove a lead pipe from my bottomless pit of a purse and ready it, Spike, being the dumb ass I know he is, looks in the direction I was pointing at. I sneak up and…CLANG! I miss. (Sounds like me.) Spike whirls around just in time to see the lead pipe connect with his jaw.

"Wow, except for the whole missing part, that was extremely easy. What the hell?" And without further adieu, I put the lead pipe away and start to drag Spike away to the secret hideout (Kellie's closet…it's bigger) to await Kellie's arrival.

-A couple minute's later-

Kellie and Kristen meet up at the hideout. "How is it my closet became the hideout?"

"Just go with it. God!" They start to tie up and gag the two vampire hotties. "You know what, we should've undressed them first."

"Dammit! We forgot that part. Oh well, screw it. We'll improvise." Just for laughs, the two sniggering girls taped Angel and Spike's hands to each others' crotches. "Oh my God. Whose idea was this?"

"Who cares, it's funny as hell!" (Both girls laugh hysterically.) "Ok, ok, let me breathe. So who gets who?"

"I get Angel!"

"Bullshit! I drugged him. I get him first."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

Meanwhile, Angel and Spike wake up. "Ow, my ass!" says Angel. "Ow, my jaw!" says Spike. Angel looks at Spike, grins devilishly, and says, "Oh yes you did, baby." Spike, looking horrified, screams in terror. They both try to move and realize they are tied up. "What the hell…" They both realize they have their hands on each other's crotches and…

"OMG!!!!"

"What the FUCK!"

"Why is my hand on his…OH SHIT!"

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!!!"

"You bastard, you are gay!"

"I didn't do this, dumb ass! I'm tied up too!"

"…Good point."

"Dumb ass!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up."

"No, you shut up!"

"Shut up, infinity!"

Spike looked defeated. "Damn, he used 'infinity'."

"Damn, you are such a dumb ass!"

"Shut up you…you!"

"Oh, very clever!"

"Will you both shut up! You're killing the mood! Now let's get to what we brought you here for."

Both Angel and Spike looked at Kristen with surprise, shock, and slight nervousness. "Who are you and what do you want with me and Spike, a.k.a. Dip-shit?"

"Hey!"

"Shut up, Spike!" I'm Kellie and this is Kristen, and you two have just become our own personal bitches. Don't even think of trying to get away." (MUWAHAHAHAHA!)

Angel starts to grin and says, "You untie me and I'll make sure nobody leaves."

Spike starts to panic. "What are they gonna do?! OMG! And please not up the ass. I don't swing that way!"

Kellie, Kristen, and even Angel stare blankly at him. "You are a disgrace to all vampires."

Kellie just says, "WTF!" Kristen just starts scheming and laughing. Kellie looks at her for a minute and moves on. "Anyway, there will be no up the ass but there will be a lot of sex; oral or otherwise."

Spike starts to fidget. "I don't understand. I'm so confused!" Angel rolls his eyes and says, "Ok, that's it. Kill him and I will fuck both of you anyway you want it. Just KILL HIM PLEASE!"

Spike gives Angel the 'glare'. "Shut up Nancy Boy! Nobody asked you! I'm not used to being the girl."

"There's a shock!"

Kellie and Kristen look at each other, nod, and then grin. Kellie decides to speak. "Alright, let's get on with 'it'.

Angel quickly turns to Kellie. "I'm game. And Spike, stop moving your hand. NOT HELPING!"

Kellie and Kristen look at Spike and say, "You sure your not gay?"

"Positive!"

Angel says, "Then why do you keep squeezing it!? I'm trying to get a boner and I can't because of your ugly ass! The thought of touching you makes me want to run into the sun screaming 'Kill me!'"

Kellie starts to freak. "No don't! You should never try to kill your gorgeous ass! Not until I tap it at least."

Angel grins, "Then let's get on with it. NOW! Kristen, right? Take a dildo, shove it in his mouth, and tell him to suck it up and ENJOY IT!"

Kristen's eyes glaze over. "You remembered my name! Fuck me!"

Spike finally jerks up in recognition. "Oh, wait! You want to have sex with us? Why didn't you just say so?"

Angel rolled his eyes. "Stupid dip-shit!"

"Alright! Before we have another 'I'm Smarter than a Fifth Grader' argument, can we please get down-n-dirty? Please?" Kristen stating, adding a puppy dog face to boot.

Kellie walks up with a knife and cuts the ropes. "Ok, will you two please just shut up, strip down, and fuck us?! I wanna see those…feet!" Kellie and Kristen laugh hysterically because of the memory of a comedian who said that.

"Where did we hear that joke?"

"At the Stardome in Birmingham, remember?"

Kristen grins and says, "Oh yeah…hehe. You made a funny." They laugh even harder.

"So you guys really wanna see our feet? Weird."

If Angel could, he would've back-slapped him in the head. "God, Spike! It's a figure of speech!"

"Oh. I don't get it. What, do they have a foot fetish?" Everyone rolls their eyes and at the same times says, "Idiot." "Dumb ass." "Stupid mother fucker!"

"What! I don't get it!"

Kellie finally screams, "Pants off and dicks at attention. NOW!" Both vampires were naked in 5 seconds flat. "Wow…that's better. Oh my God! This is gonna rock!"

Angel looks at Kellie and says, "I have a really hard rock for you." Kellie begins to drool.

Kristen is in shock at the size. "Oh my God! I love vampires! They have beautiful bodies and…feet!"

"Again with feet! Ya'll are weird!"

Angel growls and puts on his vampire face. "Shut the fuck up before I bite you and drain all your blood."

Kellie and Kristen scream, "Angelus! This is getting better and better!"

"I'm not him yet. But I will be once all of this pent up frustration is worked off." He flashes a devilish grin and both girls sigh and say, "Fuck me please…"

Spike out of nowhere says, "Ok, at attention!"

Everyone turns and laughs. "What is that?" " I thinks it's a worm!" "More like a slug." No one can breathe from laughing so hard.

Angel says, "Oh Spike, don't worry. I'll pick up your slack." Angel hits the floor in tears.

Spike looks down and says, "Hey it ain't the size of the ship. It's the motion of the ocean."

At the same time, all three of them say, "Yeah but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat."

Kristen starts to row frantically, stops, looks around, and says, "Five feet. Another hundred miles to go." Angel, Kellie and Kristen die in hysteria. (By the way, Angel is still naked.) Kristen, deciding the laughter is a good distraction, grabs Angel and yanks him into a nearby closet (Uh…your in one!). "Alright Angel! Get to work!" Angel looks at her kinda funny, but then decides to go with the flo'.

After about 10 minutes of laughing her butt off while Spike fumed, Kellie glanced around to notice Angel and Kristen were MIA. "What the hell? I know she did not decide to fornicate with that 16th Century Irish GOD without me! That bitch!" Kellie starts to open all doors (Still in a closet. I know, WTF?), hunting those two down.

Spike follows behind her, still fuming, and says to himself, "There's nothing wrong with you Spike Jr. Don't worry. We'll show them."

"Spike, quit talking to your grub. I'll get you some Viagra in a minute. Now help me find that hot Angel."

"Oh fine." Spike opens the closet (still don't get it) and screams. "Oh my fucking God!" He then slams the door.

Kellie runs up, "What?"

"All I saw was a dude's ass! Oh…"

"Yeah you found him."

Spike is in the background, curled in the fetal position saying, "It was so…hairy!"

Kellie ignores him. She slams the door and says, "Alright, my turn. You know better than to start without me!"

Both Angel and Kristen stop macking on each other long enough to say, "Not done!" and then go at it again.

Kellie started to pout. "But…I wanna join!"

Angel stopped and turned. "Alright!" He dragged her in and closed the door quick.

-5 Hours Later-

Angel stumbled out of the closet (LOL) half naked. "Wow…that was just…wow!" Both Kellie and Kristen stumble out behind him. "Oh yeah…wow! Ten fucking times!"

"It's so hairy!" Everyone turns to see Spike still curled up in the corner.

Angel sighs, "Gay, fucking asswhole."

"It was traumatizing!"

Kellie quickly adds, "No the hell it wasn't!"

Spike looks up. "Ya'll were…in there…for 5 hours! What about me?"

"You were too busy thinking of his god-send of an ass."

Angel looks at Spike. "Oh you liked it."

Spike got up quickly. "No, hell I didn't! I only do women! Now who wants me to prove my worth to them? Hello? Nobody? I'll get some Viagra!"

Both Kellie and Kristen finally agree.

-About 30 minutes later-

"So how was I?"

Both Kellie and Kristen glared. "What the 3 minutes of 'sex' or the 27 minutes of crying?"

Spike looked at them. "What do you mean 'sex'? There was sex!"

"Dude you didn't even put it in!"

Angel snickered. "No dude, there wasn't."

"Shut the fuck up! I'm a little rusty!"

"No, your just little."

Kristen's mouth fell open. "Damn, good one!"

Angel, still snickering, decided now was the time to intervene. "Alright ladies, make-up sex time! How long you want me to go for? Push for 6? Get it? Push…I made a funny! Hehe!" Both Kellie and Kristen pipe up. "OKAY!" Spike grumbles and shuffles off to find some porn to please his tick.

Angel quickly looks at Spike as he retreats and says, "Oh Spike! You know that bump down there? It is not a pimple so don't pop it!" Angel, Kellie and Kristen roll on the floor laughing.

"Fuck you!" Spike runs crying like a little girl. "Give me the directions to the Viagra alley guy!"

-Meanwhile-

As Angel, Kellie, and Kristen start another go-around, another unexpected visitor pops in…OZ! No literally…he popped in…like Star Trek. Nah just kidding, but it would be cool. No he just waltzed in the door and caught them in a compromising position. And was strangely turned on. "Uh…Angel? Whatcha doing? And how come I wasn't invited?"

Angel 'bout jumped out of his skin. "OZ! Don't fucking sneak up on me! You scared the crap out of me!"

"I didn't sneak up. I slammed the door!"

"I don't care!"

Kellie and Kristen, both angry that Angel stopped, yelled, "Stop talking and fuck us! Oz, join!"

Oz looked at them for a second. "Um…ah what the hell. OK!"

-hour and a half later-

Spike is still looking for the alley guy! (Loser!) "Where the hell is this guy! These directions suck. They take me to the Pizza Hut…oh! They are the directions to the Pizza Hut. Well…I feel embarrassed. Oh! There he is! Convenient spot, next to the Pizza Hut and the sperm bank, Sperm-A-Lot!"

Spike strolled over to an overweight balding man with one tooth, wearing overalls and what he could have sworn was blue go-go boots. (Gay!) "Hello mate. I was wondering if you still have the expando (snicker) pack of that Viagra?"

The man looked at him like he was trying to suppress a giggle, but retrieved the box in silence. "Here you are…ha…(coughs)…sir. $3.29."

Spike looked at him in surprise. "Damn that is cheap. Usually it costs 5 bucks for 12 tablets!" (Because he would know!) And without one more word, Spike strolled off back to the 'hideout' with a huge grin on his face.

-Back to "bumpin' uglies"-

"Wow Oz!" Kellie exclaimed. "You definitely put a new meaning to 'don't underestimate the quiet guy'!"

-3 hours later-

"Damn…I can't feel my legs!" Kristen exclaims.

"I know…but, it was worth it." Kellie crawls out of the closet (HELLO! I Don't get it! You're in one!), trying to walk.

Spike comes running in. "Guys, I'm all ready to go…Oh damn, wrong place!" Spike apparently ran into a room full of praying nuns, with a hard-on you can actually see. The nuns all start to attack him. "Shit!" He runs away screaming like a little bitch. Finally he gets to the right closet. (Damn Kellie, how many closets do you have? And what's with the nuns? Why do you have a closet full of nuns in your closet full of closets?) "Ok girls, come and get it!"

Kellie exclaims, "OMG! You can actually see it now!"

"Shut up! Well, let's go!"

Kristen says, "Nah, we're done. We can't even walk."

"But…come on! I'm ready and rearing to go!"

Kellie looks at him and says, "Well for one, even Oz has you beat. And second, if you hadn't spent half the time crying, you would've gotten laid.

Oz stumbles out of the closet grinning like he was high. "Damn, it's been too long. Yeah, let's go all night!"

Everyone (Kellie and Kristen) screamed, "NO! I can't feel my legs…later!"

Oz perked. "Okay!"

Spike was on the verge of tears. "But…but…sex!?!" He starts to sob and stalks off to another closet with hope.

-Meanwhile…-

Spike was crying because he was denied and because he has a raging hard-on that hurts (What hard-on?) "Damn this sucks. (sniffles) Looks like I have to help myself."

"Or do you?"

"What the hell was that?"

Xander suddenly opens a closet door. "Now you ARE MINE!" He pulls Spike, who is screaming, into the closet. "Come here baby!"

"No! Not the ass! Please save me! Ow! That hurts you fucker! Get that out of my…!"

THE END!

Tetra: So what did you think? And what the fuck is with the closet full of closets? Damn that got old!

Kyoto: Tell me about it. But still funny. And poor Spike!

Tetra: So, let us know what you think. Reviews are always loved. Try not to flame. And thanks for reading!

Kyoto: Thank you and see ya next time!