"You know, Itachi's birthday is coming up." Kisame remarked.
"And we care because?" Kakuzu responded.
"Shut up! Birthdays are times to celebrate." Kisame shot back.
"What is there to celebrate? He killed his family, abandoned his village, joined a criminal organization, incited hate in his younger brother, got you as a partner and is slowly going blind. Woohoo, his life is so great!"
Kisame sat stunned for a minute. All of that was true, but that just meant Itachi deserved something special to brighten up his day. "So what are we going to do for him?"
"Nothing."
"Fuck all."
"Let's kill him, yeah!"
"You guys suck!"
Kisame left the room.
"What should we do for him?"
"I'm still up for killing him, yeah."
"Somehow, I think the others would notice that, Deidara."
"So, yeah?"
"Who cares if they fucking notice? Whatever we do, they're going to fucking notice."
"Not if it looks like we aren't involved."
"What do you have in mind?"
"One word: Tobi"
MWAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHA BAHAHAHA (choke cough splutter) mwahahahahaha
The morning of Itachi's birthday, Kisame very quietly left the room, hoping not to disturb the sleeping Uchiha. He went downstairs, through the headquarters towards the kitchen. He entered the dining room, and stopped, completely appalled.
The table was covered in foods; ones that he knew Itachi disliked immensely, there were balloons, streamers and a big banner saying "Happy Birthday" strewn all over the walls. He made his way carefully passed what was obviously an attempt at a party scene, and looked into the kitchen.
He could see out through the other doorway that the kitchen was a mess. Ingredients, dirty, used bowls and cooking utensils littered the benches, dishes cluttered up the sink. As he approached, he could hear someone humming happily. He face-palmed. He knew who it was.
"Tobi?" Kisame called, as he stepped into the kitchen. The masked Akatsuki member turned from what he was doing.
"Oh, Kisame-san! When is Itachi coming down? Tobi has put a lot of effort into his birthday surprise." Tobi had put a lot of effort in. He was currently making a cake, dressed in an orange swirly apron with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a hairnet on. He looked over at Kisame (at least we think he was), seemingly waiting for a response.
"Yeah, um, about that. Tobi, who told you that it was Itachi's birthday?"
"Um, well, uh, …"
"I see. And the food? Did they tell you to cook all that stuff?" Kisame gestured over his shoulder to the food in the dining room.
Tobi hung his head, sensing that he'd been tricked. "But senpai said it was the only food that would make Itachi-san happy."
"I see." Kisame rubbed his chin, deep in thought.
"Honest Kisame-san, Tobi was trying to be a good boy!"
"Hmmm," Kisame looked around the kitchen. His eyes were drawn to a pot bubbling on the stove. "Tobi, what's in that?" he asked suspiciously.
Tobi put down the bowl of cake mix and went over to the stove. He took the lid off as he said, "Shark-fin soup."
The color drained from Kisame's face. "Put the lid back on!"
"But senpai said you liked that…" Tobi quickly replaced the lid.
Kisame's face went an odd shade of purple. What was wrong with these people? He knew exactly who it was, and he was going to make them pay. He took a deep breath, calmed down and quietly said to Tobi, "Your senpai is not a nice person."
"But Deidara-senpai is always… He has… He does…" Tobi couldn't come up with anything that his senpai did that was nice. "Tobi will think of something."
"Tell you what Tobi, if you want you can play a big trick on your senpai and still give Itachi a birthday present."
"Really?"
"Yeah, here's what we'll do."
The room was dark.
Hidan wondered what time it was. Wasn't something happening today? Something that he didn't want to miss?
He rolled over. Well, actually, he tried to roll over, but he found himself tied down and pressed on both sides by some things warm and heavy.
"What the fuck?" he tried to say, then realized that his mouth was taped shut.
There were muffled groans from either side of him, as Kakuzu and Deidara woke up.
But the room remained dark.
Itachi rolled over and looked at the clock. He thought about getting up. He thought about going back to sleep. It was something he thought about everyday. Usually Kisame was there to make the decision for him.
But Kisame was not there.
So, he rolled over and went back to sleep.
"What next, Kisame-san?"
"Do you have that food?"
"It's right here."
"Ok, let's go."
Kisame opened the door to the dark room. He walked over to the three bodies lying on the floor and stood over them. He beckoned Tobi to bring the food in. Kakuzu, Hidan and Deidara glared up at him angrily. Kisame grinned.
The glares disappeared under the malicious power of that grin.
Kisame made some hand movements and suddenly there were four Kisames.
"It's all in now Kisame-san." Tobi called.
"Good work Tobi," said Kisame as his clones yanked the other three to their knees. "Don't forget the chair."
"Oh, right!" Tobi rushed back out of the room, returning quickly with a chair. He set it up by the wall, away from his captive teammates. Once he was seated and comfortable, Kisame turned to the three on the floor.
"That was a nasty trick to pull on Tobi." He told them pleasantly, "He didn't enjoy it, I didn't enjoy it and I'm sure that Itachi wouldn't have enjoyed it either."
The three on the floor started making muffled growls.
"Just wait." Kisame's clones reached down and ripped the tape off.
"OW!"
"Please continue."
"It was just a joke, yeah! No harm was done."
"I don't give a fuck if you didn't enjoy it. What's the point of pulling a fucking joke on you if you fucking enjoy it?"
"Why can't I use my jutsus? What have you done to me?"
They ranted and raved, with Deidara protesting his innocence and making it all the others' fault, Hidan swearing about how much he didn't care and what he would do to Kisame and Tobi when he was free, and Kakuzu grumbling because his tentacles weren't working and Tobi had wasted the food and it would cost more to buy more. It went on for quite a while. Kisame stood over them, not really listening. Finally he turned to Tobi.
"Have you heard enough?"
Tobi nodded.
"Pick the first one."
Tobi pointed to one of the plates of food, a rice pilaf. Kisame leant down and divided it into three, scooping each portion onto a plate. He placed one plate in front of each of the captives and stood back.
"As punishment for your prank, you will eat all of the food Tobi cooked."
Deidara moaned before shutting his mouth tightly. Kakuzu started mumbling something about a waste of money. Hidan stared at the plate, disgusted by the sight of vegetables. He glared up at Kisame.
"Fuck off…"
He then found his face forced into the plate by the clone standing behind him.
"You will eat." Kisame stated, as the other two found themselves face first in their plate. "Tobi, keep an eye on them." Tobi nodded, chuckling, as Kisame walked out of the room.
Four hours later...
"Kisame, where is everybody?"
Kisame turned around to face a sleepy looking Itachi.
"Sleep well?"
Itachi didn't answer as he headed to the kitchen. As he stepped through the door, he was pounced on by Tobi.
"Itachi-san, I'm so glad you're awake now. I made you some dinner." Tobi yelled as he tackled the Uchiha. Itachi pushed him off and then stopped still. He sniffed the air. Tobi rushed across the kitchen, once again in his swirly orange apron and picked up the plate with Itachi's dinner on it. "Here it is, Itachi! Onigiri with seaweed."
Itachi took it off him and walked back out to the dining table, joining Kisame there. He glanced around the room, expecting something or someone to pop out, but his surroundings stayed pleasantly dull. There were no streamers or balloons. No massive banners proclaiming what day it was. Just an ordinary room.
Itachi sat down and took a bite of his food. It was heavenly. He moaned in bliss.
Kisame gave Tobi a thumbs up, and Tobi did a little happy dance around the kitchen.
"So where is everybody?" Itachi asked as he took another bite.
"Oh, they're around somewhere."
The room was dark once more.
The three pranksters lay on the floor moaning.
The door opened, a square of light illuminating them.
"That is disgusting." Konan said, wrinkling her nose in disgust, "You three aren't coming out of there until you clean up that mess."
Their only response was more moans.
The room went dark once more.
"I told you they'd fucking notice!"
"Shut up!"
"We should have just killed him, yeah."
"Shut up!"
There was silence, until Kakuzu moaned, "All that money: wasted!"
"Shut up!"