Chapter 1
He had convinced himself he was ready to face death, to throw his life to the collectors if need be, if it could save lives. He would atone for his sins, for every life he took without so much as a blink - let alone a flicker of guilt - and return to the sea at peace. Shepard had reeled him back, pulled him from the edge of the tide as it lapped at his ankles.
Shepard was magnificent, a warrior angel in. She tested him, fascinated him with her ruthlessness. Her wariness of him slowly turned into trust. For the first time in ten years, he spoke of his darkest memories, his surfacing doubts.
In turn she confided in him her deepest secrets. The guilt she didn't feel executing batarians as revenge. The guilt she did feel when she lost almost all her soldiers on Torfan. The hurt and shame that burned when her former lover turned her away. The elation she felt, when she found in him a soulmate.
"I never believed in that shit."
"What about now?"
"I think we were meant to be."
Shepard always pushed beyond the boundaries of possibility and getting her way out of sheer stubbornness. If could not be done, she would get it done. And she expected the same of those who shared her company.
Some days, he felt uncertain. He knew. Thane could feel it creeping in his bones. It was so much simpler to stay silent than worry her. His disease was his own, she did not have to shoulder his burden. Some days, she pushed too hard.
"You have me, you have Kolyat. Why are you so bleak?"
Thane unclasped his hands and sighed heavily. "You don't understand, Shepard."
She bristled at the use of her name. "Then, make me understand. You're not bedbound, you can fight, you're okay—"
"I am not okay. For your sake, Shepard, I could just pretending to be okay. For all you know, I could drop dead tomorrow. Should I complain to you of my ailments? Of the burning pains in my chest? Of my recurring headaches, gnawing within my skull?" He sniffed derisively. "It would be better for you to see me happy before I die."
Thane almost expected Shepard to snap back at him. Instead, she stumbled and braced her back against the glass window, the colour drained from her face. Her lips trembled, parted as if to speak, but said nothing. And the hurt in her eyes.
He loved her, far too much for his own good. But at that moment, he felt a rush of cruel satisfaction as she stared at the floor, fumbling for words.
Without another word she strode out of life support, a clenched fist rubbing at her eyes.
Thane exhaled, releasing a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. She deserved someone better, not a dying man. He would only bring her pain.
Title taken from the Cardigans song, Country Hell.