1: Vestiges
It had been 13 months since the last time he saw him. He recalled the scene in that small apartment in Düsseldorf where Kay was waiting for him.
He gave back the key and it clinked on the cold cement of the balcony, while he saw Kay´s disappointment when he abandoned him, he didn´t care despite the fact he was beaten almost to death; Because of the fear to recognize his true feelings ... He looked at his perfect profile one last time and turned around and left without looking back.
It didn´t matter that two days later he regretted and returned to knock down the door without getting an answer and then, to find a space without a soul, empty as he felt. Finally, he knew how he felt to love.
In spite of the time, the memories crowded his mind and the sensations filled him as if it happened yesterday. "Maybe I shouldn´t be here, maybe I will never find anyone who can heal the wounds he left"-thought Marc-, while he let himself be carried out using the body of the blonde girl that he had met in the pub a couple of hours before – who was the one he used to visit when nothing felt right-.
He was thinking of Kay ... he missed his piercing gaze, the blue eyes that haunt him in dreams when they both were lost and found themselves enjoying each other. His memories and reality intertwined simultaneously. While, now in the present, he was thrusting frenziedly inside her until he emptied himself completely.
He didn´t have him, and perhaps he would never see him again in spite of the vain attempts to find him. It seemed that the earth had swallowed him; all the state-of-the-art technology to which he had access as a narcotics agent, was of no use.
"How could he have been such a coward?" "How could he have been so blind and unwilling to realize the irremediable reality?" He missed him and imagined him in the countless bodies with which he had found consolation over the months. In the end, it was all he had left. Play to feel, to live.
The emptiness and the boredom became old acquaintances, leaving him with the sensation of wasting the best moments of his life.
While all this was crossing his mind, he got dressed like an automaton and took one last hit of marijuana throwing the rest into the semi-empty Spaten and left the motel room not without kissing first the right temple of that one girl, whose name he had already forgotten.