A/N This is my first fan fiction, so it's a bit rough. I hope you like it.
This is set in season 4 episode 4 "The Break-Up"
Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.
Warnings: There is mild, non graphic suggestions of abuse.
I can never tell Kurt the truth. It was the one thought that Blaine had that night while laid in bed with his newly ex-boyfriend. He couldn't tell Kurt what really happened that night weeks ago. He could never tell anyone. No matter how much he wanted to.
Why didn't I get a hotel room? Blaine thought to himself. Not even an hour ago Blaine had told Kurt that he slept with another guy. What was he thinking? How could he have thought that he could come to New York, sing a song and tell Kurt without it being weird afterwards? If he had been thinking straight, he would have gotten a room at a hotel instead of sharing Kurt's bed. Even sleeping outside would be better than this.
But Blaine wasn't thinking, that was the problem. He slept with a random guy even though he loved Kurt. He still loved Kurt, even though the other boy hated him right now. And Kurt would never forgive him.
Of course he might think differently if he knew the truth. Blaine shook the thought out of his head, there was no way he would ever tell Kurt. Yeah he might not hate him as much but what would he feel instead? Pity for the innocent boy he once loved and was now broken? Disgust at what he had done? No, hate he could handle but he couldn't stand to see Kurt looking at him like that, in the same way he looked at himself. Every time he sees that look, the night plays over again in his head. Blaine didn't need that.
Besides he most of what he had told Kurt was the truth, and look how that turned out. That night he did meet with that guy to hook up, they did go to a motel for the night. The did have sex. He did cheat on the man he loves. The specifics of the event didn't matter.
Soon Blaine fell into a restless sleep. He was caught in a nightmare, the same one he's had for weeks. He is sitting on an old bed, wearing nothing but his boxers, kissing a guy. He feels hands roaming every inch of his body. It feels so good. Then Blaine pulls away, overcome with guilt and knowing that he didn't want to be here anymore, he didn't want to do this. As he explains to the man that he loved Kurt and couldn't go through with this, he can see the other's anger growing. Soon he's yelling and Blaine just sits there, listening.
Slap. Blaine's head is thrown to the side with the force of the hit. He stares dumbfounded at the man next to him, his cheek stinging. Before he can do anything, the man is on top of him, trapping Blaine on the bed. His arms are forced over his head and his hands are tied to the headboard with that other man's belt. The leather cuts into Blaine's wrists as he tries to get free, but the bonds are unyielding. Once again he feels hands on his bare chest, this time they are rough and cold. The man's face above him is contorted with anger, his eyes full of a sick hunger.
Blaine jerked awake as the rest of the nightmarish memories slipped away. He clutched tightly on the blanket and buried his face into the pillow trying to stop the tears from spilling out. His whole body shook with fear and he prayed that it wouldn't wake up the man next to him.
When the shaking stopped and he calmed down a bit, Blaine slipped out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He turned the faucet on as hot as it could go and scrubbed his hands and arms until they were red and raw. It wasn't enough, he still could feel the hands on his skin, the hot breath on his neck, the pain of something breaking inside him.
Blaine's legs gave out and he fell to the floor. There he laid, eyes squeezed shut and hands covering his ears. Still, he could hear the echoes of unanswered cries for help and the distant squeaks of and old motel room bed. Tears ran hot down his cheeks, he couldn't stop them anymore.
He laid on the hard tile floor, for who knows how long, unmoving. When the tears couldn't come anymore, Blaine pulled himself up. He stared at himself in the mirror half expecting to see the bruises from that night covering his skin. Kurt can never know what happened, Blaine thought with more conviction than ever before. It didn't matter if Kurt would rethink their breakup if he knew, Blaine wouldn't be able to live if he, or anyone else, ever knew just how far he had fallen.
Blaine washed his face and silently crawled back into bed. There he laid in silence unable and unwilling to fall asleep. Instead he looked out the window at the never ending city lights. A part of him wished that he could see the stars, knowing that they would provide a little familiarity and comfort. But there were no stars tonight. There was nothing but the emptiness and pain inside of Blaine. And one repeating thought…
I can never tell Kurt the truth.
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