"I'll be at the clinic all day today. Your father has already gone to see Commander Taylor. Josh is probably with Skye and her friends and Zoe needs to go to school in about an hour. I expect you to get her there on time and to pick your sister up when school ends later today. I'll also need you to watch her after school." My mother tossed this casually over her shoulder as she moved from one part of the room to another gathering her supplies. Already expecting me to smile and nod, saying that I would do everything, like I had always done. Slapping on my signature smile and telling her not to worry she didn't even look over at me as she stepped out the front door. My façade immediately dropped as I sighed. Not once had my mother asked me what I had planned today even though she knew everyone else's schedules by heart. What if I had been to busy to watch Zoe for once? I shook my head. I wasn't going to let this get to me.
Stepping away from the door and past the kitchen I made my way to mine and Zoe's room. I walked in to see Zoe dressed in her favorite outfit and in all her five year old glory trying to brush her hair, unsuccessfully. Distracting myself from my earlier thoughts I grabbed the brush from her and gently maneuvered my way through the tangles. The motion reminded me of being back in 2149. Sitting in our crammed apartment helping her get ready. Once Dad had been sent to prison they had allowed her to attend the elementary school with no further issues. After all, a family is four.
She would wiggle and squirm but after fitting her re-breather on her face I would walk her there and then continue to the high school a few streets over. Josh always walked with his friends so he didn't ever see me before or during or even after the school day really. It was for the best anyway. He never saw the bullying... Although, I was invisible to the family anyway. Anything I did was often pushed off to the side. I mean, I had almost died and right in the middle of them comforting me Josh had overshadowed me by simply putting a capsule of medicine on the table. I couldn't remember the last time that my family had said they appreciated me for me. Or said they cared. That is, if they even did.
I was yanked out of my thoughts when Zoe pulled away. I saw that I had brushed through all of her hair and even put a headband in while I was thinking. Standing up I went to the kitchen to cut up some fruit for Zoe. She followed behind and sat at the table pulling out a paper to color on. She didn't say anything to me. I grabbed a bowl and began to make a fruit salad for her. I would have made one for myself but I truly wasn't hungry. Finishing up I placed the bowl in front of her and began cleaning up the sticky mess. She didn't glance up from her picture even as she grabbed a fork and dug in. No thank you. No gapped tooth smile. I pretended not to notice.
I moved back into the room to get dressed myself. Looking in the mirror was like looking at a corpse. My eyes were dead, lacking there usual spark and my skin seemed pale and lifeless. I looked away ashamed of my appearance. I looked the exact same as in 2149. Terra Nova was supposed to be a fresh start. Apparently for everyone but me.
Once I had finished braiding a strand of my hair I came out of the room in my outfit and moved to grab all of Zoe's school supplies and after a moments thought, my own plex-pad. When they were all in my hand I looked at the clock to see it was time.
"Zoe, you have to go to school." Sighing she slid away from the table and grabbed my hand before walking with me out the door. She didn't say anything and I was to tired to whirl into a ramble of science facts. I'm sure it would only bore her anyways. I noticed that it was a bit cloudy but nothing to worry about right now. Maybe later tonight. We arrived right on time and I handed her the supplies before she ran into the building, excited to see her friends. I stood there a few moments before turning and heading down the road.
I noticed Josh walking with his friends and plastered on a smile and added a quick wave. He glanced over but quickly looked away obviously ashamed to be seen with me. My eyes landed on the ground sadly as I continued walking. Of course. It wasn't cool to be seen with your nerdy, dorky sister. Realizing I didn't want to be home right at that moment I travelled towards the walls around Terra Nova. Mark had once shown me an abandoned outlook while we were together. It was a great place to go if you wanted some peace and quiet and I loved the way it looked like a treehouse. After a short walk and cautious climb up into the outlook I was relieved to see that I was alone with my thoughts for as long as I wanted to be. No one knew where I was. No one would wonder where Maddy Shannon was because no one would bother to look.
I leaned back against the wall and gazed out over Terra Nova with unfocused eyes. I was so tired of everything. I wasn't okay and I was sick of pretending I was. I would never tell anyone that though. I was the glue of our family. The one always smiling and looking on the positive. The one everyone could rely on. It hurt. It hurt more that I could put into words.
Everything had changed when dad was sent to prison. Josh started to leave the house more and more often until he was never there. Something that he still did today. Never was he there to help take care of Zoe. The responsibility fell to me since mom was always working. It seemed to be all that I was good for. Even before dad went to prison I was in the background. My rambled outbursts of facts were waved off in one quick motion. I never said anything about school or the people there. No one ever asked. I never said anything about the aching burning feeling in my lungs. No one ever noticed. That was okay though. They all had something more important to do.
Once dad did go to prison Mom was always worrying. About Josh and his sudden attitude. About dad and the terrible conditions of the prison. About Zoe one day being taken away. I didn't want her to worry about me so I never said anything. Josh had a relationship with Kara. It consumed everything he did. Family seemed to fall by the wayside. Zoe was to young to understand what the real situation was. So I stayed with her and took care of her. A sleepless night because a certain someone moves around in there sleep? No problem. Frustrated tears because mom was staying late at the hospital again? Nothing a good bed time story couldn't fix. There was always more though. Waiting for Josh to come home after a day over at Kara's. Making every meal with the few groceries we had. Going out to buy said groceries with Zoe's hand in mine. Doing laundry and cleaning and still doing all my school work.
I scoffed at my own thoughts. Just thinking about the hours I slaved over my tablet trying to learn everything I could, required or not flashed through my brain. Of course it was never appreciated.
Memory:
I had been moved up another level in school. While I had acted nonchalant about it at home I was absolutely terrified of what the repercussions would be. The students had always been a bit resentful of my grades and how easily I picked up things. Now I'm sure that thought that I was showing off. Walking into the building I could feel the stares. Whispers followed me down the hallway as I made my way to my first class. Suddenly, a harsh push knocked me forcibly into the lockers. Looking up dazed I saw three older boys scowling at me.
"You absolute waste! What do you think you are doing?" I was to terrified to respond. I had been through this before but each time was just as scary as the last. I never knew what to do. The boy on the right grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me unto the lockers again. My head slammed back and lights danced across my eyes.
"Ple-please, I'll let you see my homework o-or the study sheets. J-just let me go please." My voice shook and cracked as I felt tears gather in my eyes. The boys looked at one another and laughed. The one on the left spoke first.
"It's way to late for that you piece of crap." The bell suddenly rang and those that had gathered round to watch reluctantly left to there respective classes. The boys didn't move. When the hallway was practically empty the boy in the middle lobbed a solid punch right into my stomach. I doubled over gasping and coughing. The boy on the left hit my square on the cheek and I tumbled to the ground. The boy to the right kicked my back multiple times while I curled into myself. I could deal with this. It wasn't so bad I tried to convince myself, but it was always harder the more the beating lasted.
The boy in the middle grabbed my bag which I had dropped. Turning it over all of the supplies fell to the floor with an echoing clatter. He kicked them around the hall as I was continually hit in the back, the stomach, the legs, the arms. Everywhere possible was being attacked. I opened my eyes I bit to see the last boy pick up my re-breather. He smirked to himself as he threw it against the lockers violently. I could only watch helplessly as it broke in front of my eyes. Tears welled up once again and I tried to stop them. It was practically a death sentence not to have a re-breather. The air was to polluted to breath without one.
With the last destruction of my property the hits stopped coming and I heard laughter as footsteps pounded away from me. Picking myself up I immediately crawled to the re-breather hoping that it still functioned. Pieces lay scattered around it and I picked each one up carefully. I couldn't loose these. After picking up the rest of my things and stuffing it all into my backpack I moved down the hall and headed towards the library. I needed to fix my re-breather before anything else. We didn't have the money to buy another. I slipped in quietly not attracting any attention before moving to a hidden alcove between the shelves. This should give me some privacy. Pulling out my tablet I searched a diagram of the re-breather model and studied each individual part and where it was placed. After memorizing every detail I set into my project making sure to mind the time. I still had to pick up Zoe as well. I had a few hours to fix my re-breather before then.
It took an hour to put the pieces back in the way I believed they went. Now it was time to test it. Putting it on my face and heading to the schools small courtyard I opened the door cautiously. Taking a short breath my lungs immediately felt as if they were on fire. I hurriedly closed the door as I heaved and coughed for real air. Once I had calmed down enough I moved back to the library and studied the model again. Replacing pieces and maneuvering again I set out for the courtyard, much more hesitant this time. Taking in a small breathe I found that I could breathe without a fire licking at her lungs like before. With a smile of accomplishment I turned back to the library to clean my temporary work station and collect my bag. Once that was done the bell for the end of the school day rang. Surprised at how long it had taken me to fix my re-breather I stepped out of the school doors and to Zoe's. My re-breather worked fine on the way there and even a little ways after picking Zoe up but about a block away my breath turned to fire burning it's way into my throat. I picked up my pace and held Zoe's hand as I tried to breath as little as possible. Coughing over and over again until we made it to the apartment and I could take a real breath. Zoe looked worried but I waved her off with a reassuring smile.
"Zoe, go do your homework. I think I'm going to mess around for a bit." Moving to the couch I put my re-breather on the coffee table and tried once again to fix it with the tools lying around the house. With the screws properly tightened and placed precisely I knew that it would work the next time I went out.
It wasn't long after that that I began to cough up blood. My stay at the hospital for multiple weeks was pushed aside in there minds as mom was nominated for Terra Nova. Just another time when I was forced to the background. No one knew just how hard it was to still breath. No one cared once the immediate danger passed. I don't blame them though. Terra Nova was much more important at the time. Especially finding a way for dad to go with us.
After getting here I thought things would be different. Reaching up to rub my eyes I realized that I had been crying. Disgusted with myself I wiped the tears away harshly, trying to hide the fact they had ever been there. Looking around I realized that the sky had darkened considerably and it was now pouring rain. The roof above me echoed the sound of the rain drops and I saw them trail down into waterfalls off the tiles. Looking at the time I realized that it was probably time to go get Zoe but couldn't I just have one break? The school would call my mom and she would call Josh so that he could look after her for once. How terrible could that be? Content to just sit there I sank back into my thoughts.