My hands are shaking, but muscle memory is intact, and my fingers nimbly find his name in my phone's contact list. I've spent far too much time just deciding to do this, to waste any more time. The droning dial tone brings a gnawing anxiety into my stomach as I wait. I wonder if he's erased my number and won't know who is calling. If he hasn't deleted me, I wonder if he'll see my name and not pick up. By the third ring I'm so full of doubts and second guesses that I'm almost hoping he won't. The ringing stops, and is followed by silence. To save my pride, I assume the call was dropped.
"Jade?"
I almost choke on my surprise at hearing him speak. It's literally been months, but his voice in my ear is still familiar. It should be comforting, but his resigned tone sets me on edge.
"Beck," I manage to reply, "hey."
Another pause.
"Hey." He responds.
Choosing my words is like pulling teeth out of my own skull.
"Can I…Can you…Can we meet up?" I swallow hard. The worst he can do is say no, but I know it will still hurt.
"Why?" he asks, sounding tired. Well, it's not a rejection.
I shut my eyes and let out the breath that I realize I've been holding in. I regain my voice.
"Just to talk - is that okay?"
He takes a second, it seems, to mull things over. In all honesty, in his position, I would too. Finally, he consents.
"Yeah. Yeah, okay. When?"
I'm getting braver by the second. In my throat I can feel my pulse racing. Now, I want to see him now.
I can't hold it back. It's coming up like a sort of word vomit.
"Is now alright?" I ask hastily.
I'm sure he can sense my eagerness.
"Now?" He muses, "Now is…good."