ADAM MCFADDEN glanced at his watch, although, truth be told, he didn't need the watch. A lifetime of ranching had taught him to read the sky. He sighed, recognizing that he would be late; too late. He tugged on the reins of his horse, King, and gave a sharp whistle to Chance, their cattle dog, and turned toward home. He didn't bother to gallop. Both he and King had worked a long day, and pushing King to run full speed wouldn't make a difference. He would still miss Ford's recital.
It wasn't so much that he longed to attend a high school orchestra recital in a stuffy auditorium, but that he hated not being there for his brother. And even worse, Brian and Crane had gone to Lodi to meet with a potential buyer, so they wouldn't be there either. He knew Daniel was in Angels Camp playing a high school dance. The burden of fatherhood weighed heavy on his shoulders. It was Ford's last recital. He couldn't believe he wouldn't be there. The seniors and their parents were recognized in the final recital of the spring. He was looking forward to standing beside Ford, proud of his younger brother's musical gift and prouder still that he had found a way to conquer his shyness and join the orchestra.
"Can't change what you can't change." He told himself. It was his brother, Brian's favorite phrase. There was a truth to it. He couldn't turn back the hands of time and keep those six cows from breaking from the herd. He couldn't stop the coyote from startling them and he certainly couldn't pause time so he could get home in time.
Hannah would go, and force Guthrie into a clean shirt to go with her. Of course,Guthrie would jump at the chance to drive, and to meet up with his friends at the high school. His wife was quick to step in and parent his brothers - especially Guthrie and Ford who were still pretty young when she had married him. In all truth, she was quick to mother all of them - even Brian who had a complicated relationship with his sister-in-law. He always brushed off her advice - sometimes rudely, but always introduced her as his little sister. Adam understood his brother, and knew that despite a sometimes brusque attitude, he cared deeply for Hannah, even if he was often incapable of expressing or even allowing himself to feel it.
Adam shook his head, forcing himself NOT to think about Brian. After their parent's deaths, all his worries were spent on his youngest brothers. He had little worry to spare for Brian. It pained him to think of those days now. He'd leaned heavy into Brian, relying on him to shoulder the burden of cooking and cleaning. He recognized now that Brian was only sixteen at the time. He'd gone from playing football with his friends, to staying home and running the house overnight. He'd had no time to talk him through this transition, and no words of wisdom to give him, either. He was just barely able to keep everything together. As he often explained to Hannah who would ask, "How did you feel? How did you process all of it?"
"Process it! I was just trying to survive!"
"Oh, Adam," She would say her wide, dark-blue eyes bright with compassion.
"Easy, hon," He would tell her. "It was ok. I didn't have time to feel anything! I was trying to keep the ranch running, the boys fed and the house clean."
She would shake her head, and grin sadly, "I don't think you managed that last bit." She teased him because she knew it was what he'd be comfortable with, but her eyes and tone of voice always revealed her compassionate sadness. He rarely let the conversation go deeper, and respectfully she didn't push it.
But lately, he had space and time to think on it. And it seemed that all his worries had shifted from the littles, as he always called them, to the bigs - or more specifically, one big; Brian. It wasn't as if Brian was completely out of control. It was just that he seemed to be coming home too late with too little to say about what he'd been up to. The truck had more than one unexplained ding in the bumper, and more than one waitress in the cafe would turn from Brian with an angry glare. It was something that had always been at the back of his brain; the last worry after a pile of worries before he dropped off to sleep at night.
The house was empty when he'd finally made it back home, and put King in the barn. As was typical, there was a plate of food and a note from his wife. I hope you tucked away an extra $10 because I had a bet with Guthrie about whether or not you would make it back in time. I know you must be pretty beat up about it and a reheated steak is hardly comfort, but it was the best I could do. I'm taking the boys to ice cream after, so maybe you could meet us there? Either way, Ford understands. Love, Hannah.
He was too hot, tired and down for food, so he put the plate in the fridge and opted for a shower. He could meet up with them downtown and at least show up for that. He was stepping out of the steamy bathroom, wrapped in a towel when he ran straight into Crane.
"You made it back." He said.
"Yup. Looks pretty good, too. Where's the family?"
"Ford's recital, which is probably just about over. I'm gonna go into town. We'll take the kid out for ice cream. Wanna go?" Adam asked.
"How you getting there?" Crane asked.
"Well, now that you are back, the truck, I hope."
"No. Brian threw me out of the truck and headed into town." Crane told him. "Something about a blond."
"Damn it!" Adam exploded, grateful that it was only Crane at home. "He never thinks about anyone!"
"I tried to get him to check in first - especially seeing that the jeep was gone, but you know him."
"Stubborn as the day is long." Adam sighed. "Well, I guess I'm stuck sitting around here while Hannah parents for us. He really ticks me off sometimes."
"Sometimes?" Crane asked.
"Right." Adam agreed. "Seems like ever since I got married, he just tosses the responsibilities onto her without even thinking about it."
"Well . . ." Crane began.
"Right. I get it. I screwed up at the get-go, but she and I worked that out ages ago, and he never even asks her - just assumes she'll fill in! I mean, she is still fighting morning sickness and he doesn't even care."
"To be fair, he probably forgot about the recital. I mean, I didn't remember it, and I remember just about everything." Crane offered.
"Yeah, I guess that's true." Adam considered. He sighed and continued down the hall to his room to get dressed.
"It still doesn't mean he's kind of a jerk sometimes." Crane said.
"Yeah." Adam agreed, stepping inside his room.
***7***
Sitting at the kitchen table with Crane, splitting what was left of an apple pie, he could still feel his anger just below the surface. They talked about other things, though - mostly Crane's trip and the fortune of a new buyer. The ranch had done pretty well in the last few years, enough to make things comfortable - at least comfortable enough for Adam not to spend his nights worrying if they'd lose the ranch the next day. Daniel had a pretty steady gig playing shows around the county and had some exposure to some bigger opportunities in the future - had even once sat in on a show for the up-and-coming star Tommy Noma. Even had just recently joined the rodeo circuit and was starting to make a name for himself. Crane had managed the ranch into financial stability, while taking night classes to continue his education. He was working his way toward his Ph.d although lately, he seemed pretty distracted by a nursing student he'd met. And Adam himself had somehow managed a pretty damn good life for himself, Hannah, despite all odds, had settled very nicely into the family, and just eleven months ago they'd brought home their first born, a daughter they'd named for his mother. Kate was the star of the family, doted on by six loving uncles, and two adorning parents, although in about five more months she would get knocked off center stage by her younger sibling. When he thought of it, he had a huge pile of blessings, and yet, it seemed that out of everyone, Brian was still struggling - struggling with his spot in the family, his place in the community, and his own future. He was never without a date, but never seemed to settle on anyone girl. It seemed as soon as he came close to liking someone, he dropped them like a hot potato. Adam couldn't figure it. Their own parents had been loving and happy, and even before their loss, he hadn't known deep in his soul, that he wanted that happiness for himself someday. After the crash, he was sure he would never, ever find it, and it was only his wife's loving, forgiving spirit that resulted in his dreams coming true.
"What's going on?" His thoughts were interrupted by Daniel coming in the back door. "This place is quiet as a tomb!"
"You'll make up for that." Crane said laughing. "How was the gig?"
"Oh, the usual teenage love and angst." Daniel settled into a chair after leaning his guitar in the corner of the room, as Crane poured him a cup of coffee.
"A tale of beauty and of woe," Crane remarked settling back into his seat.
"Thanks for saving me some pie," Daniel said, indicating the empty pie tin on the table. "What's wrong with the old man, here?"
"He's deep in thought." Crane answered. "Scheming."
"Planning my career as an accountant." Daniel teased.
"Please, like you could sit at a desk for more than five minutes." Adam said with a laugh. He and Daniel had long ago found a peace. He wished an easier path for his younger brother, but recognized that he was a talented artist who had to try and find his way. Adam rose, and put the plates and the pie tin in the sink. "What time is it anyway?"
"10:15, which, I guess, is the upside to playing a highschool dance." Daniel remarked. "Everyone still out with Ford? Seems a little late."
"Yeah." Adam considered, as he washed the dishes. "It is."
"Great." Crane said to Daniel. "Now, you've got the Old Man worrying! Listen, Adam, she said they were going out for ice cream and half the town probably did, too. Don't start fretting."
"Yeah." He agreed, but his voice was anything but confident.
"Well, it's my little family!" Brian said, bursting through the doorway, his arm around a blond. "This here is Betty." He indicated the girl.
"Becky." She corrected.
"Right. Sorry." Brian laughed. "Anywho, we are dropping off the truck because I know that Old Man McFadden would be just furious not to have the truck in the morning. I'm gonna go over to Bonnie's for a bit."
"Becky," She corrected again.
Adam sighed, fighting an urge to argue with Brian. He'd obviously been drinking and so there wasn't any point.
"You driving?" Adam asked Becky.
"Yes." She said with a nod. "Brian's a little worse for wear."
"He usually is." Daniel told her. "You sure you don't want to just dump him here? I'm free this evening."
"Trying to steal my girl!" Brian pushed Daniel's shoulder playfully.
"What about big brother?" Becky asked, indicating Adam.
"He's old as dirt!" Daniel countered.
"Well, at least he's not in kindergarten," Becky said to Daniel.
"That's hurtful." Daniel responded. "I'm in the 4th grade."
"Old man is married as married can be." Brian told her. "'Sides, he is a stick in the mud!"
"I guess you'll have to do then." She said.
The house settled into silence as the two of them walked out, and they could hear the revving of an engine as they drove off.
"She didn't even consider me." Crane said, breaking the silence.
"You look like a priest." Daniel told him. "You should really rethink the beard."
"Emily likes it." Crane said, rubbing his beard thoughtfully.
"It's getting late." Adam said. "Billy closes that place up at 9:30, doesn't he?"
"He sometimes stays open late if there are lots of people." Daniel told him. "Stop worrying."
"Yeah, I guess." Adam said, as he wandered into the front room.
***7***
BRIAN McFADDEN was only mildly buzzed. Sometimes he played up being drunk because it ticked off his older brother. He recognized that this was petty and passive/aggressive, but somehow he couldn't help himself. And it didn't hurt that pretending to be slightly helpless, made it easier for whatever girl he was with to try and take care of him.
He glanced over at Becky who sat behind the wheel of her mustang, her blond hair blowing in the wind from the rolled down windows.
"Thanks for driving all the way out here." He told her. "I appreciate it."
"What's with the total jerk act?" She asked him. "Why you so mad at your brother?"
"I don't know what you mean." He responded.
"You know my name. We've been out six times and you aren't that drunk." She told him.
"Eh, well, you know, it's just some Cain and Abel garbage. Brothers." He shrugged.
"Well, maybe you should . . ."
He never heard the rest of her sentence, which was just as well because he was open to advice of any kind - especially not regarding his lifestyle or his relationship with his older brother. He was distracted by a sheriff's car passing them at pretty fast clip.
"Turn around." He said.
"What?" Becky asked.
"Go back to the house, and gun it would ya?"
"Why on earth?" She asked flipping a u-turn on the empty road."
"That sheriff is going to our place."
"How do you know?" She asked.
"There's nothing else on this road." He told her. "It's just us and then the National Forest."
They caught up to the sheriff's car and so pulled in just behind it. Brian barely waited for the car to stop to hop out.
"Taylor!" He called out to Sheriff Taylor Parker. "What's going on?"
"Brian! Oh, good. I was hoping Adam wasn't home alone." The Sheriff turned toward him. "You can help me. I gotta talk to Adam."
"Why?" Brian felt suddenly and frighteningly sober. "What's going on?"
"There's been an accident."