If
NejiNaru
PG 13
Fluff, but also contains fantastic world-changing Neji-introspection and character development. Also contains Naruto being a pest (hopefully a funny one), and the trite guessing games that are really, really fun when watching the paint dry gets really, really boring.

Happy belated birthday to Kotori. Only 6 days late. Whoo hah!

"Say Neji," Neji sighed—at least Lee knew when to shut up. "If you had to, who would you have sex with, Ino or Temari?"

Neji didn't answer, didn't even take his eyes off the Magistrate's home office window while his so-called 'back up' rambled on.

They'd been there close to 2 hours.

During which, he'd only had 30 minutes of absolute, pure silence, and 25 of those minutes had been while Naruto went looking for a toilet to 'sneeze the 20 buffalo wings' he'd consumed earlier.

Which Neji didn't need to know. And now would know forever.

If he could avoid strangling, gagging, drugging, and/or killing Naruto today, Neji meant to inform him (or beat into his skull—whichever seemed easiest) that buffalos did not have wings, and to keep his intestinal information to himself.

Also, possibly, that stake-outs involved, at some point, watching. In silence.

"C'mon," an elbow jabbed his ribs not gently. "Ino or Temari?"

"Neither." Neji masterfully restrained the urge to gouge Naruto's eyes out.

"You gotta pick one," Naruto kicked his feet as he lay on his stomach in the darkened storage attic, position mirroring Neji's (with the exception of kicking his feet, fidgeting every 6 seconds and constant noise-making).

"'s only pretend Neji—c'mon, please? Pretty please?"

He would not kill Naruto. He would not kill Naruto. Even if he did make a mockery of shinobi behavior and expectations. And whined. And begged. He would not.

It'd be unprofessional, at the least. Also, there would be paperwork.

"I'll shut up if you do."

"Promise."

"Ten whole minutes of silence, cross my heart and hope—"

"30."

"15."

"20"

"17."

"Deal," Neji agreed; it wasn't much, but it was something.

Naruto kicked his feet some more, then kicked Neji. "So? Which one?"

Ch'. "Ino."

"Why?"

"You promised."

"And I'll keep it. Why?"

Neji floundered a moment on unfamiliar ground, facial expression never changing. "She finds me attractive. And she doesn't have brothers capable of murdering me."

"You're a butthole, you know that?"

Neji's left eye twitched.

Then, blessed, blessed silence. For all of 17 minutes. Naruto drowsed on his arms. Neji kept watch, and enjoyed it.

"All right," Naruto announced from the depths of his arms. "Hinata or Sakura?"

"I am engaged to Hinata."

"You will be engaged. Hinata or Sakura?"

"You like Sakura."

"Dude, this is guy-talk; guy-talk never gets to girls, and it's not like I'm gonna tell anybody about this. You might kill me in my sleep."

That was true. However…

"I could tell Sakura."

"You won't. And anyway, she won't care. Well, not much. Pick!"

Neji sighed—but only inwardly. "Hinata."

"Why?"

"Because she isn't obsessive, bi-polar, or violent."

"So in other words, you can push her around, right?"

"Fuck you."

He did admire Naruto—he did. Naruto was too revolutionary and productive not to admire; at times, he even respected Naruto. Naruto was (or could be, at least) cunning, loyal, honorable, and genuinely, well, genuine.

He just couldn't stand Naruto for long periods of time, was all.

"Fair enough. Kakashi or Kurenai?"

Over the sudden surge in his ears, Neji heard himself say, "You promised."

"Yeah, but only the first time—answer this, and you get 30. Whole half hour, all yours."

"Why," Neji started, and didn't finish. "What?"

He didn't even have the presence of mind to haggle for more time.

Neji was upper class. Whatever his…status in the House. There were something things—very rigid things—that people did not discuss, did not imagine, not under any circumstances.

There were Standards; things that boys didn't do with girls (like talk to them, or take them very seriously), things girls didn't do with boys (like boss them around, or say anything of value), and then there were things that boys definitely, irrevocably, did not do with other boys. One didn't even think about those things, they didn't exist.

One found out about them in a very filtered and diffuse way—it was impossible to work in group missions that contained Kiba or Ino and not find out about them, but those things didn't actually exist. They were there, but they didn't actually exist.

At least, to aristocrats they didn't. The elite.

Of whom, for many years, had regarded commoners in general to be an unsightful yet necessary sludge, and Naruto in particular to be a rowdy fecal parasite.

"Why what?" Naruto asked, nose peeking out of his orange garb.

Neji tended to hate a large portion of the elite (with the exception of himself, often Hinata and occasionally his uncle) mainly because they held his life and freedom in their bloody and clumsy hands, but also because sometimes they were stupid. Yet…still.

"I. That's." Despite himself, Neji blinked. Thought very quickly. "Who would you select?"

"Hmm," Naruto tapped his cheek, "I'd say Ino, same reason, Sakura because that's obvious, and I gotta say…Kurenai."

"Kurenai." Fucking cop out.

"Yup! I've known Kakashi-sensei way too long; it'd be creepy. Though I bet he really knows his stuff, he's so fucking thorough with everything else. Plus, there's the way the girls are always looking at him."

"Girls." Neji grappled for a lifeline. But with composure. And did not consider a thorough Kakashi.

"Yeah, but the guys give 'im the same looks too; not as often, but still. And when I came back, he gave me a book about it."

"Book?" Oh god.

"Yeah, all about sex—like I wouldn't know that stuff anyway, but it was still kinda handy. Lots of diagrams." Naruto kicked his legs against the dusty floorboards. "Kakashi-sensei said not to trust what anyone said, but mostly what Jiraiya-sensei said, and just read. Had stuff about guys in there."

Oh god.

"Oh! And if I ever had any questions, to never, ever ask him. Or Jiraiya-sensei. Especially not Jiraiya, actually."

Oh god.

Naruto was staring at him—not angrily, not even intensely, but there was that…awkward external sensation, the one Naruto occasionally gave off. That one that felt like Naruto was seeing a great deal more than Neji wanted to show, and was hiding more than Neji could see.

"So who'd you pick? Like I don't already know."

"You don't know." Neji felt this needed reminding.

"Uh huh. And you're just blushing 'cause of the heat, right?"

"It's not hot."

"Exactly." Naruto grinned at him.

By all the Seals and Codes, he was going to kill Naruto. But first…he was going to prove him wrong.

"I am not—I would not—" and he was going to prove him wrong eloquently. Somehow. "I—you're the one making suggestive comments and, and considering your own master."

On his own, Neji would have never come to this line of thought. So, clearly, it was all in Naruto's head.

"Nah, that'd be weird. Kakashi-sensei's like a, like an older brother almost, the kind you can't wait to beat up when you're grown-up enough. Or a cousin who never goes away. The one with all the porn. Then again, you are marrying your cousin, so—"

"Exactly. Yes. I am."

"So you should probably stop thinking about sweaty naked men like Kakashi-sensei, huh?"

"I wasn't—" Neji stopped. Closed his eyes. Was mature. Was mature, damn it. "You know. I preferred it when you wasted your energy defacing the Village's monuments."

"You and everybody else 'cept Iruka-sensei." Naruto sounded proud. Perky. Ugh. "I tell ya, if I'd known how to piss people off then like I can now, I would've never bothered with super gluing all those sacred scrolls shut."

"So you are trying to piss me off." Which certified Neji completely and fully to kill Naruto and make his life unlivable in as many small and large ways as possible.

That was nice.

"Only a little," Naruto grinned and kicked his feet, still sounding proud. "It's s'pposed to be fun, silly."

Silly. Silly? Who the hell under the age of 50 called other people silly?

Only morons and imbeciles, obviously.

"But seriously, all things aside. Never leaves this room, never even happened. Why not Kakashi?"

Because it was impossible. Unthinkable. It'd be easier to have a sexual attraction to stratovolcanoes and electronic photography.

"Or…why Kakashi? Whichever you're more comfortable with."

For the second time in 5 minutes, Neji closed his eyes. Inhaled.

Thought about things boys did not do, about strangling Naruto, how Naruto had grown mentally unpredictable and physically forbidding, and how quickly he could get Naruto naked and his tongue down Naruto's throat.

Neji, unrealistically, estimated three minutes. Possibly six if Naruto protested and had to be persuaded. Which…might be easier than he'd earlier hypothesized, if this thread of conversation was any indication.

Emphasis on 'hypothesized'. As, in reality, Neji knew it would take 0 minutes, on account of never happening.

Neji opened his eyes.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"What makes you so damn confident it's Kakashi?"

"'Cause of the way you panicked. And you're eyes got all spacey." Naruto picked something out of his teeth with his pinky. "Oh, and your pulse jumped in your jugular--I could see it. Plus you're not actually grossed out," Neji opened his mouth but Naruto cut him off, "you're just really, really shocked."

Naruto flicked things off his fingers. Neji stared ahead.

He didn't have to cooperate. He would not play his game.

Naruto wasn't even kicking his feet, just staring ahead out of the tiny, darkened window like was actually doing his job. For the first time that whole day.

Smug bastard.

The minutes ticked by.

He wouldn't break. Neji Hyuuga did not play games.

Hell, Neji Hyuuga didn't play, period. No real Hyuuga did.

Naruto continued to be a paragon of diligence.

Damn.

"Because," Neji intoned. "He's older than I am. Considerably."

"Only by about 10 years, give or take."

"Considerably, as I said."

"So Kurenai…?"

"No."

She'd never been an option really, once Kakashi--a man--had been introduced into the mix.

"So…ah. I gotcha. Smart."

Neji nodded curtly. He had no idea what they were talking about.

"So, in that case--"

"Thirty minutes. You promised."

"Ah shit."

This time, paradoxically, the silence seemed shorter and longer than earlier, still valuable but also…charged. Tremulous. Yet Naruto hardly fidgeted.

The noon light changed angles, texture. Neji tried to relax, and plan ahead. Something was coming. He had to be prepared.

"You ever kiss somebody?" Naruto bombed after half an hour. "And I don't mean like aunts and stuff, I mean somebody you like, romantically."

It was a softer attack than Neji had expected.

"No."

He tolerated Hinata better; appreciated her even, on occasion. But he didn't like her, not like Naruto meant. He had never kissed her, and had neither an aversion or desire to. It was something he would do, given time, as reliably and dutifully as he did anything else required of him.

"Ever kissed a boy?"

"No." Stupid question, made the first irrelevant.

"Ever wanted to?"

"No."

"Is that a no-no, or a Kakashi-esque no?"

God, he could not stand Naruto. He never stopped. A little silence, a little diligence, that's all he asked for! He would even settle for indifference.

"Kakashi-esque?"

"I never believe a word he says. Unless it's real important, or really stupid. Or he's--actually, no, not even when he's drunk. He's lied to us even then."

Neji stared ahead. Predictably, Naruto kicked him, and Neji held back the impulse to roll his eyes and gouge out Naruto's throat before speaking.

"Does any of this have a point?"

"Yes."

"Have you?"

"Yeah," Naruto only hesitated briefly.

Neji felt his face go slack, and his vision, briefly, went red. He was going to kill someone. As soon as he found out who, he was going to kill him.

"Really," he heard himself say. "Anyone I know?"

He was perhaps being too invasive and offensive and he was going to carve his name into someone's left ventricle and then he was going to beat three kinds of shit out of Naruto for reasons he wasn't going to think about too closely.

"Nah," Naruto said from far away. "Got drunk while I was in training and thought 'why not?' Jiraiya-sensei seemed proud. Or laughing. Dunno, I was pretty drunk."

By degrees, Neji made himself calm down. He was being silly and inappropriate. It also helped that now he could kill Jiraiya for valid reasons no one would ever know about.

"So," Naruto drawled, "Kakashi-esque?"

"I'm not talking about this anymore."

"Aw c'mon--"

"No. And stop whining. You're an adult."

"Please, I can't even legally drink yet."

Naruto pouted. Neji ignored.

"Anyway," Naruto started again, "'s not so different from girls, just a little more teeth. And not soft. Oh, and stay away from older guys, 'cause they treat you like a girl."

"Why are you telling me this?" Something in Neji---something only Naruto could touch on, another fact that annoyed him to no end—snapped along with his temper, "I don't want to know this. This means nothing to me."

I'm going to marry Hinata, he didn't say, and I will live out my life as her husband and legal slave until death. My life is forfeit, my will is forfeit, and my desires and fantasies are no different.

I don't want to know about what I can't have.

To his credit, Naruto hesitated before he spoke—there were brains in his skull, just no common sense or courtesy. "Things change."

So. He had heard what wasn't said.

"Not enough."

Neji returned to staring out the window. Naruto jiggled his foot, but gently.

"Well, yeah, not all at once. That's true. But in little pieces, here and there. I mean, you and me are living proof."

Neji didn't answer. He could argue, but he was tired.

Seconds clicked by as Naruto scratched behind one ear thoroughly.

"If you could, though. Would you?"

If he could. If. What a devious little poison.

If Neji could, he would travel. Far from the village, away from Fire Country, maybe even crossing the oceans to the lands beyond, taking on odd jobs, more spying and smuggling and intrigue than the actual assassinations or politics that made up the meat and bread of Leaf's industry. He wouldn't marry, but nor would he go to fantastical parties and have wild sex with a zillion people he would never actually meet—if he could Neji would be free, not be Kiba. He would still be him, stick up the ass and all.

If he could, he probably would have less friends than he did now, as he would be constantly on the move. Less friends, but also, less enemies. Less people to despise, less people to be despised by.

If he could he would be…aimless. Mildly curious. A quiet anonymous gentleman, the kind easily ignored but not scorned.

And if he could…it might be nice. To have a lover. Not a whore, and not a dearly beloved, but someone whom…he liked. And liked him. Could enjoy company with, and talk, and fight without any awkward silences, and maybe even laugh. Sometimes.

With a considerable amount of sex thrown in, because Neji was a sixteen-year-old boy, so sex at least two to five times a day, but without any…complications. No strings, or obligations. Nothing like his life was now.

"Yes," Neji finally said. "But if, and only if."

"Mmm," Naruto smiled, not knowing how carefully Neji was studying his mouth and the corner of his lips. "That's good."

Neji agreed, if only because Naruto was smiling. If he were to think about it, he'd disagree.

He didn't think about it.

The sun was taking an extremely long time to wane down to a proper sunset. Naruto had fallen asleep—or drowsed at least—on his arms while Neji continued the surveillance properly.

Inwardly, he didn't mind doing all the work though he would complain about it later; a sleeping Naruto, after all, was a silent Naruto.

Besides, like this he could look where he would, without needing to guard his face or thoughts too much. Convenient, as Naruto had become somewhat skilled at reading them both.

But mostly, he contemplated impossible things, like electronic photography.

And, at some point he must have blinked (which was no excuse, no reason, and it didn't make sense and sometimes he really hated hated hated Naruto!) because he never saw Naruto wake and slither up until his lips were level with Neji's ear.

And.

Then.

It wasn't a kiss.

It was wet. Lips were involved. Also tongue.

Also all the blood shot up from his extremities to his face while, oddly enough, still finding enough blood to heat his lower stomach.

Later, he would exact an absolute vow of silence from Naruto, coupled with much damning blackmail material, though he never would beat the crap out of Naruto because Naruto didn't stay fucking still. And, despite appearances, Naruto was a damn fine ninja.

Later, Naruto (wincing in places) would still be giggling over Neji supposedly 'squealing'. Which was preposterous. Because Hyuugas didn't squeal. Much less Neji.

But, for the moment, Neji just was.

And, despite having the experience…it was every bit as pleasurable as he'd thought it'd be.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein

A/N: Please ignore unevenness of portions.