AN Well this was a classics assignment but I think it worked out ok, please tell me what you think. For those of you who don't know, Blind Date is this TV show that's on in the UK, basically one man or woman gets to ask three people of the opposite gender questions and at the end of the questions they have to pick who they want to go on holiday with. It's presented by Cilla Black and a voiceover called 'Our Graham'
Rating: PG-13 maybe
Disclaimer-Checks- Yuy, pretty sure I'm not Homer. Does he even own this stuff anyway? And if he doesn't, who does…? Credit for the Blind Date idea goes to Vicky and the rest of my group in Classics
Summary: Set before The Iliad, Paris settles the argument over who's the fairest Goddess of them all with a little help from Cilla Black and Blind Date.
Gods and Humans
It's 7:30 on BBC 1 and it's time for Gods and Humans
Previously on Gods and Humans… Aphrodite was wandering the hills when she found a golden apple, when we stopped last week she was about to eat it, what will happen next?
"Don't eat me!"
Aphrodite screamed and dropped the very innocent golden apple that rolled to a stop just a few feet away from her.
It wasn't her fault; she was hungry damnit, why did all the fruit she met have to be able to talk? Ok the fact that it was golden should probably have given her a bit of a clue it wasn't normal but still, she was a busy goddess and couldn't be expected to remember every little tiny thing, like the natural colour of apples for example.
"What did you say?"
"Don't eat me, I'm magical, I'm a prize for the fairest Goddess on Olympus!"
What a clever little apple. Aphrodite felt her earlier malice and resentment towards it for preventing her from having something to eat vanish when she realised what it was there for.
Giggling and flicking her hair she leaned down to pick it up again, raising it to face level.
"Well there are no prizes for guessing why you're here then are there?"
The apple looked annoyed, if it was possible for an apple to look annoyed anyway.
"Look," it said slowly, clearly doubtful as to her intelligence. "I'm an apple, A.P.P.L.E, It's not my job to decide whether a goddess is beautiful or not."
Aphrodite's eyes darkened in anger and, seeing the storm clouds overhead, the apple gulped almost inaudibly and backtracked as quickly as it were able.
"Not that you aren't beautiful, of course you are but you're not even the right species."
Aphrodite's eyes darkened even further, "Are you saying that when you compare me to another apple you find the apple more attractive?"
"NO!" It was an apple for the Gods' sakes, he was not supposed to be fried to a crisp because he accidentally told a goddess that he didn't find her attractive. It was time to resort to the oldest trick in the book. "Look over there!"
"Where." Aphrodite turned and, before it could make a roll for it, it realised that the oldest trick in the book had, this time, backfired.
Great, now he could be fried to a crisp by three goddesses instead of just one, didn't it feel special?
-
Hera stormed up to the goddess who was now clutching the apple so tightly it was whimpering. "Get the hell off my apple you slut! I'm the fairest."
"Bitch!" Ah. Athena had joined the argument. "How dare you, I'm the strongest and the fairest, the apple's mine."
Aphrodite snorted, "News flash Athena, being butch does not make you the fairest."
"Why you whore!" Athena launched forward and there probably would have been a very nasty scene if Paris hadn't suddenly appeared looking rather confused.
"What the…"
"Paris!"
The young man suddenly found himself with three goddesses looking at him with grins on their faces and realised suddenly that he really wanted to get out of there, five minutes ago at least.
"Yes… Paris, that's me, well would you look at the time, it's been lovely to meet you three goddess but I really have to be… going." He finished weakly as his arms were snatched and he was pulled up the hill.
"Ok decide." Aphrodite looked at him expectantly and Paris hesitated.
"Erm…"
Hera snorted, "Idiot, you have to tell him what he needs to decide first."
"Don't go thinking you're so clever Hera," Athena glared, "let's not forget who the Goddess of Wisdom is around here."
"What's going on?"
Casting a look at the goddesses, whose fight had now deteriorated to name-calling, bitch-slapping and hair-pulling the apple sighed, did they ever wonder why he had chosen to be an apple? Then he turned to look at the confused Trojan prince/Shepard.
"Well, it's like this."
"Oh no."
"What!" Aphrodite pouted, Athena glared and Hera started to crackle with energy.
"I mean…" Paris quickly back-tracked, "there's no way I could ever decide which one of you is the fairest, I mean look at you. You're all so beautiful that I'm absolutely blinded… Yes blinded, which means I can't see you, which means I can't decide, very sorry and all but I have to get back and do that…. stuff with… that person."
"The mortal is right!" Athena sounded amazed, "if he's blind he can't judge. A mortal… right… wow that's new."
"There has to be a way," Hera looked annoyed, "there's always a way."
"Right as usual Chuck, there is."
-du du, du du, du-du-du-du-du-du, du du, du du, du-du-du-du-du-du-
As the music filled the area from over the top of the hill a flashing neon sign proudly proclaiming the words 'Blind Date' appeared.
A red-haired woman wearing a sequinned suit stepped forwards and grinned at the audience, A.K.A three goddesses a Trojan prince/Shepard and an apple.
"Ya'right Chucks. I'm Cilla Black and welcome to tonight's Blind Date." At her words applause filled the air and the five looked around worriedly, even the apple looked concerned. "Tonight we have Paris, all the way from Troy who will be choosing tonight one of our three lovely goddesses. The lucky goddess will have the chance to go on a date with our Paris and will also win the title of 'The Fairest in the Land'." She stopped suddenly as something was yelled from backstage, "What do you mean that's copyright?" Realising she was still on she flashed, yet another, blinding smile at her stunned audience and continued with her speech. "Right, now since Paris is blind we don't need to bother with a screen and we can get straight on with it. Paris please ask your first question."
"Goddesses," Paris was clearly getting into this. "My first question…" He paused for dramatic effect, oblivious to the glares he was receiving. "My first question is… if you were a symbol what would you be? And that question is to Goddess Number One."
Instantly the three goddesses began to push their way towards the front but finally, after what could be called excessive use of stiletto heels Aphrodite emerged as the winner, leaving two limping goddesses behind her.
She laughed giddily and gave a bright flashing smile, completely forgetting that her audience couldn't see her.
""Well," she tittered. "I think, that if I were a symbol I'd have to be a seashell, then we could make beautiful waves together..." She trailed off, a sultry note in her voice.
Paris' jaw dropped and he gulped, subtly readjusting himself.
"Right," He coughed to rid himself of the sudden squeak in his voice. "And the same question to Goddess Number Three." This was either Hera or Athena; they had to be safe, right?
After yet another bitching contest Athena emerged to speak second.
"I would be an owl, I'd give you something to ruffle your feathers." Athena appeared to have forgotten her vows of chastity.
"And Goddess Number Two please." Paris continued hurriedly, not really wanting to think about what had just been said to him. "Same question to Goddess Number Two." Ok this one was Hera, wife of Zeus. Oh Shit wife of Zeus, King of the Gods Zeus, oh he was dead.
Hera carried on, oblivious to Paris' internal panic, "If I were a symbol I'd be a horn filled with fruit, horny on the outside and fruity on the inside."
Oh he was more than dead, he was strapped-to-a-rock-with-things-eating-his-liver-for-all-eternity dead.
"Oh Chuck," Cilla grinned widely. "Looks like you've got a difficult decision to make there." Paris shot her a withering glare, no shit Sherlock. "So if you'd like to ask your last question."
"Ok, my final question, if I choose you as the fairest goddess on Olympus how would you rewards me. And that question to Goddess Number Two."
"I would reward you by giving you power over all men, not that you don't have enough power already that is." Hera fluttered her eyelashes.
Aphrodite snorted, "Got something in your eye Hera? He can't see ya in case you've forgotten, don't listen to her sweet cheeks; I would reward you by giving you the body of a god and the hand of the most beautiful woman in the world… And I'm not talking about me."
"Back off sister," Athena glared, "I've got a gift that'll leave the rest in the dust. Paris, as a reward I would give you wisdom so you could be as strong in the mind as you are in the body."
"Alright Chuck," Cilla seemed annoyed that her limelight had been stolen, "it's time to make your decision…" Paris opened his mouth to answer and the three goddesses held their breath, as the apple would have done if it needed oxygen… "But first she continued, it's over to Our Graham who's going to remind you of the answers from out lovely contestants."
"Why would he need reminding," The apple argued shrilly, feeling rather left out. "It was only two minutes ago he heard them for the first time, this is completely ridicu…."
Before he could finish, the deep and perfect 'chat-show-host' voice-over, apparently called 'Our Graham', cut him off.
"Will it be Goddess Number One – she could be the seashells on your beach to happiness, Goddess Number Two – with all the power you'll receive you'll be nibbling on more than your fair share of grapes or Goddess Number Three – Obvious who'll be wearing the loincloth in that relationship. Paris it's over to you…"
"Well audience, it's time to have your say, who do you think he should pick?" The sound of crickets filled in the silence and they all turned to glare at the still waiting Cilla Black. "Well sounds like the opinions divided Paris, now the question we all want answering, 'who will it be?'"
"Well," Paris stalled, "it's such a difficult decision but I'm going to have to say…"
-dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnnn-
Next time on Gods and Humans, the winning Goddess gets a shock when she finds out that the apple is rather mouldy and we find out just how long the Greek army is willing to camp outside of those big-ass Trojan walls for one whiny princess on the advice of a bird. Tune in next week for more Gods and Humans…
End
AN Well, how was that? A bit weird and not the sort of thing that I usually write but I don't think it was too bad.