Yadi yaddi yar: I don't own Lord of the rings...yaddi yaddi blah

In the Retirement Home for Ageing Idiots/Wizards of Middlearth. (RHAI/WM)

Gandalf stirred in his wheelchair as the dinner bell rang. An evil cackle broke through his thoughts of naked males? A rather sharp staff prodded him.

"Hehhehheh! Come on Gandy-Candy, race you to the table!" Gandalf closed his eyes with a sigh. 8759 years old and Saruman still wanted to play like a little boy.

Saruman hobbled evilly (I dunno how someone can hobble evilly) to the table when there was a puff of pink smoke and Gandalf appeared in his seat. Gandalf stuck his tongue out at Saruman.

"Gandalf!" Arwen moved around the table serving slop. Saruman waited until Arwen's back was turned then launched himself at Gandalf.

"Boys!" Eowyn tried to separate them without success. Radagast also prepared to battle. Eowyn wiped her brow wearily. Arwen put her arm around her.

"Are you all right sweetie?" Eowyn smiled at her girlfriend. Arwen smiled back, then her gaze was drawn to where Gandalf, Saruman and Radagast were having a threesome just randomly on the floor.

"Not in public you three!" she cried despairingly. Eowyn kissed her girlfriend comfortingly.

"Don't worry honey." she said.

"Oh you're such a comfort Eowyn, you're so much better than Aragorn ever was."

"Waaaaaaaah! Waaah! Arwen doesn't love me any more!" Aragorn wailed again. Legolas sat down beside him.

"Don't worry Angel-drawers. You'll find someone else." Legolas comforted him.Aragorn wailed again.

"But whoooooo!" Aragorn stopped bawling for a second. "Did you call me Angel-drawers?" Legolas frowned at him.

"No!"

"Oh." Bother Aragorn thought to himself.

"Were you just pretending to cry, sweetie-tart?" Legolas asked him.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Otherwise Elly-rondy will get annoyed with me." Legolas gave an Oh of realisation. He looked at Aragorn again.

"Hello gorgeous," he murmured. Aragorn turned in surprise to find Legolas' face really close to his.

"Hello gorgeous porgeous." Legolas murmured looking very pointedly at Aragorn's lips.

"Er… hi Leggie," Aragorn murmured back. He moved forwards at the same time as Legolas. Their lips joined in a kiss. Aragorn pushed his tongue into Legolas' mouth, and the French kiss became passionate. (i.e. they started rolling around making mmmming noises.)

"Hey!" Aragorn was roughly pulled away from Legolas. Gimli stood in front of him, looking very angry.

"That's my boyfriend you're kissing there Argy-bargy!" Gimli started growling. Aragorn sighed.

"Look Gimli," he said. Gimli growled at him. "Why don't we just have a threesome?" Gimli looked blank for a minute, then his blank expression cleared.

"Yeah, all right then."

"No Pippin!" Merry stopped again. He got off Pippin and started to get dressed. Pippin protested, naked on the bed.

"But Merry…" Merry was sort of dressed now.

"You wanted to go on the bottom."

"I can't help not being very good at gay sex!" Pippin looked insulted.The door burst open and Sam entered.

"Have you seen mister Frodo?" Sam's eyes were drawn to Pippin on the bed. Pippin started stretching out.

"Hi Sam," he said in his sexiest voice. Sam shook his head and looked at Merry.

"You probably freaked Frodo out by asking him to have sex, then when he refused tried to rape him." said Merry, pulling on his trousers. Sam blushed.

"He asked me to rape him!" Sam protested..Pippin got off the bed and started 'walking sexily' towards Sam.

"Are you inexperienced Sam?" he asked sexily. "Do you want Merry to help you?" he leaned on Sam's shoulder.

"If you want to you can, pour raspberries all over me." Merry groaned.

"It's, 'if you want to you can rape me' Pippin! Not pour raspberries all over me!" Pippin shrugged. The door burst open again and Frodo staggered in.

"Sam," he gasped, "I've travelled far and wide just to be with you!" Frodo knelt down and grabbed Sam's hand. "I have been cruel to you Sam! Forgive me! To show how utterly and deeply sorry I am- will you marry me?" Sam gaped at him.

"Oh mister Frodo! I've waited so long to hear that! I have to say-yes!"

"Oh Samwise!"

"Oh Frodo!" Frodo got up and passionately kissed Sam. Merry and Pippin looked at the happy couple, then at each other.

"Awwwwww! They're in lurrrrve!"

"Urrrrgh!" said a different voice, "that's disgusting!"

"Well we all know you're hitting on Aragorn, Boromir." Merry pointed out. Sam and Frodo broke apart and cried together;

"My love!" and started kissing again. Boromir watched for a minute then turned to Merry.

"How do you know about my secret crush on Pippin, I mean Aragorn?" Boromir started going redder and redder.

"Ah ha!" said Merry raising his eyebrows, "You're in love with Pippin too?" Boromir stuttered for a bit then went down on one knee to Pippin, which meant that he was now the same height as Pippin, and said;

"Pippin, now you know, will you marry me?"

"Oh yes Boromir!" Guess what, they kissed.