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Forever Repenting (1/3): "God, I hate myself..."
-By ReddAlice-
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing A.C. was created by Hajime Yatate & Yoshiyuki Tomino and is licensed to Bandai Entertainment. As for the Bible... lol, I don't own that either, nor did I take any part in writing it. Though sometimes... I think I should have! -(No offence to the pious)-
Warning: Yaoi (nothing vulgar, or over explicit... well as of Part 1 of 3...), Duo POV
Description: DUO'S POV!! ANGST!! Set a few years after endless waltz, and Heero's Death immediately following, Duo questions his ability and strength to love Zechs. ~COMPLETE~
**** I am looking for a BETA for this story!! Are any of you readers up for the horrendous task of editing a Duo's POV fic for me? Gawd...I hope so! LoL. REQ: Must be flexible…. Not that way you freak!
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***Author's Note: This story was spawned from a conversation I had with a friend over homosexuality in the eyes of God. It went back and forth in a pleasant debate, and I learned a few things about the way a religious (or someone with religious upbringings) might view their relationship if they where gay. Now what do you do? Do you do what you feel you should, and love the way you need to? Or... Do you refrain from sinning and save yourself and your lover from eternal condemnation? Sin is in the eye of the beholder and is rooted in the way you grew up thinking. Faith Vs. Love. It's a battle I don't think should have to exist, but in a time when social revolutions are ever present, and enculturation is at an all time high, things founded on similar grounds are bound to fight it out on the inside.
***I jump a bit around from past and present tense, sorry if that's a bit confusing, but in the first italics it is meant to be present tense. So the first sequence is Duo dreaming, and the rest is a mix between him sitting at his desk and revisiting memories. When I went back to writing normally I think I was really confused so if there're awful errors, PLEASE inform me so I can fix it for other readers. I appreciate all comments, and reviews, thanks for everyone being so encouraging with this and other fics of mine. THANK YOU ALL! Love ya!
Forever Repenting is written to these song(s): 'Dream of You'& 'A Broken Whisper'by WolfSheim, 'Xcess'(remix by Shnieder from Rammstein) by Sick Idiot, 'Sonne'by Rammstein
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***Forever Repenting: "God, I hate myself..."***
I can tell he's watching me, I can feel his cobalt orbs raking my bare chest and hanging on the towel slung low on my hips. "Hey man... wanna hand me that t-shirt next to you, Heero?" I turn around in time for my face to catch the white shirt. "Yeah, thanks, I love you too, pal."
He's been acting odd all day. This morning he said hello to Quatre and I as we drank some coffee while Wufei quietly observed from a seat a few feat away. Though we've only officially known each other a little over a year and a half, we already can tell this behavior for him is out-of-whack. Not that anything about that soldier is in-whack...
That afternoon I heard him singing lowly in the shower, the rushing water not covering up his clear voice, and maybe even helping carry it out into the hall. That amidst a few other things he had done throughout the day lead me to the conclusion this Heero is a pod-Heero.
Now he was blatantly staring at me, the way I did him when I felt I could paw it off as him just being a freak, and not even trying to cover it up now that he was being watched in return.
I don't pull the shirt on like I plan, instead and saunter over to his bed (bottom bunk of course) and seat myself next to him. "What's up?"
Heero looks at me.
"You've been a little... strange today..."
Those bravura... eternally blue eyes just look at me.
Why am I so miffed that he won't talk to me!? "Ah, forget it, you are strange, period." I get up and snatch up my clothes; I'll change somewhere else, if he doesn't mind!
"Duo...?" Heero whispers standing up, studying me with a spellbinding gaze. In all seriousness I shrug to let him know he has my attention, but rather than confess his cold heart to me, he stays silent. How do I approach the unapproachable, the darkness, and the unreadable? I'll tell you, you embrace it.
That's what I'll do.
I hesitate over one thousand debating voices, ones fretful of rejection, ones in denial of attraction, and less prominent ones that are just darker, and crueler than any schoolyard bully is capable of being. Heero doesn't notice though, he's perfectly still in apprehension, and it's all I need to persuade me to move. With the awkwardness pushed aside and buried for now, I throw my arms around him, and to my surprise he envelops me in his. The first steps are always small, and overcoming the rigid barrier between us, is a great way to start. I push the moment nuzzling my mouth against the slope of his neck planting little kisses here and there, allowing his body to press into mine.
The sounds in the hall rip us apart at lightening speed, and I quickly discard my towel and wriggle into my clothes. Heero watches astounded that when provoked it doesn't take my forty years to get dressed. I like to take my time, so sue me. Back during the war, I wasn't able to enjoy just being clean, without blood and dirt caked to my palms and crusted into my hair.
Quatre knocks, opens the door, and pauses when he sees us. Quatre is sort of odd as well, he's very intuitive, almost... empathic. "Did I interrupt something?" I doubt the feelings confirmed in this room would bother him of all people, regardless that he is heterosexual, he's still very excepting of all walks of life.
"Not at all, little buddy, what's up?"
Quatre gives me an artfully unconvinced glare; we have been good friends since after the 2nd insane Kushrenada's attempt to conquer the world. "Lady Une wants to see all of us, Noin just called, I think we should head out... but maybe after you cool off." I knew he noticed.
I smile, "No, it's impossible to do that when you are as hot as me."
"I see." He laughs. "Alright then, see you both in a few downstairs."
Heero and I exchange soft glances, and I put on my white Reeboks. You just can't rekindle a moment right after your blonde co-worker burst in suspicious...it's just impossible. Not that I know a lot about that, but... Well just because... Shut up.
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At first, I thought the hardest thing I had done next to saying goodbye to Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, was saying sayonara to Death Scythe. However, not to long after that... there was the gun shot, or rather, the hum of a silencer attachment. I had only been sharing a room with him for a month while we settled back into being Preventers without the impending threat of world annihilation. It was only 10 hours after we finally (and) technically got together.
I didn't have to look to imagine what Heero must have looked like below me, laying there, in his own pooling blood; but I did anyways. I just leaned over the rail, and hung my head to peek inside. He must have heard the pre-click that happens when a new attachment is being switched on, because his sheets where thrown back and one legs was dangling over the edge of his mattress. I allow my mind to do the rest; I didn't want to have the expression on his stone cold face burned into my memory like so many others. So I laid back down, and decidedly rolled over to face the wall.
That didn't do me much good; there was gap between the white wallpaper and the bunk bed. Like someone was holding my head, and turning it against my will, as if something cruel and evil was moving my eyes I looked down the crack and saw one frozen eye starring back at me.
A drop of blood was running down between the bridge of his nose and his eyebrow, and coating the surface of his dry eye with a sheer blanket of pink. Heero was watching me, his empty expression not telling of the gaping wound pressed into his sheets. The gray organic matter chunked against the paper of our wall not far off, a small hole where the bullet lay hidden barely noticeable in the faded washed light. Somewhere between my mental screaming, I saw in slow motion the small metal projectile knocking my newly acquired lover dead on his back.
I hated the moment when I went deaf from the sound of my own heart breaking. But hey, that's life if you're Duo Maxwell. It's just the way it goes.
At the time I did the only thing I knew how to when it comes to dealing with severe remorse, I crossed myself, and said a prayer to a God who probably pushed me off as just another sinner.
*
"Duo?" I looked up from the image of Heero in my mind to see Zechs leaning imposingly on my desk, their faces overlapping for a moment before my short-lived love's face dies away again. "No one pays you to sleep." He said in a stately manner only aristocratic fuck heads could pull off.
"What? I thought they did!" I spat sardonically, "And what do you care, you don't even work here?" So I'm a little touchy. "You've been spending a lot of time here, don't tell me your baby sister got a new babysitter and now you can go try and blow up the world again." I hate people who get off easy for their crimes because they have extensive military knowledge and training that can be useful to rebuilding the new government, and have experience in conducting multitudes of whining suited whelps who couldn't really fly mobile suits in the first place. Wait... how many people could I hate that fit that description?
Looking vaguely displeased, Zechs cocked his head a bit and looked down at me. I detest men like this. Flippantly, I kicked back my seat and propped it up against the wall and plant my large combat boots square between his hands. "Do you still not need something, or are ya leaving yet?"
It could just be me in my twisted sister mood, but for a nanosecond he looked hurt. "I'm leaving." He confirmed dejectedly.
"Good, get your imperial ass moving then." I sure now how to chase the bold and the beautiful away!
Watching him leave I'm overcome with grief, I had been distracted, and now I'm left to continue my pity party... with a party of one. I stared after the provocative blonde mane, a surge of anger consuming my heart.
Quatre came in after him; he too was watching the long tresses trailing behind their master. "Even if you don't like someone, you shouldn't be so rude, Duo." He admonished.
"He just rubs me wrong." I shrugged.
"No." Quatre contradicted quickly, "You just like him."
"Do I?" I couldn't stop myself in time, and I was answered be a swift nod. Quatre always has been... intuitive.
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TBC...
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Somewhere in Part 2 of 3: "Giving the devil an Inch, and then running a five mile marathon with him"
As many times as I condemn God for creating me to be his population control, I always find myself reverting to that little boy kneeling in front of Father Maxwell taking his son's flesh and blood, praying that the little- no, very large ball of havoc that is me, isn't going to cause anymore pain. That's a tall order even for God apparently, especially when I am tainting everyone around me, and giving Saint Peter more sinners to sort out. However, I was unaware the God does that thing, you know. Guilt by association? Well, except with him, it's: Innocent guilty by association with the gay Duo Maxwell.
That drags me back kicking to the memory of Heero, one I wish I could forget, and feel guilty for trying. I think I may have loved him, but I doubt I will ever know, all those dirty thoughts I had for him giving God just cause to chain him in the fiery bowels of hell and pour teddy bear crazed politicians on him. It may sound hilarious, but it's not.... Because I put him there in all that anguish, because I loved him, and I wanted to show it... consummate it.
God hates all sins... Lying with another man is well known to be one of them.
So where does this leave Zechs?
I have a chance to rectify my mistake with Heero with him; I can turn my back, and mourn till I die like a faithful son, loving Zechs like a lover without touching him the way I want.... Or... I can let us both burn and be happy till my time is up. "Lord, why is that such a painfully throbbing choice?"
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