Addict

Lily sat and watched Barney fall apart.

The signs were there for anyone to read them, should they look close enough: The tightening of his fingers around his whiskey tumbler, moving imperceptibly until his knuckles were white, the way his jaw clicked as he sat impatiently waiting for his turn to talk, the way he knocked back his scotch, five or six glasses in quick succession, or even the way he gradually shredded all the napkins on the table until there was a pile of scraps beneath his hands.

The trouble with Barney was that he distracted you from noticing. He mainlined Red Bull as he talked, words tumbling over one another like circus acrobats. If people were bored or upset, he needled them until they exploded. Barney was all noise and light and reflections.

Feeling empathy for Barney Stinson was like feeling empathy for a piece of glass, or for the surface of a lake.

Even so, Lily felt something for him. When he left the table to go to the restroom, she lifted his glass and sniffed it suspiciously, then carefully took a sip. She almost spat it out. What was that? Ginger ale? Plus she hadn't seen him so much as sneak out for a cigarette in over a week. What the hell was going on? Was he sick?

"Hey Barney," She said, following him to the bar. "What's up."

"Nothing," he said, nervously fiddling with his tie. "Why should anything be up? Everything's awesome! Everything's-"

"Cut the crap!" She growled. "I know something's wrong. Fess up, Stinson, or else I tell everyone at the table that you're drinking ginger ale." Maybe she should anyway, she thought. But as she watched his fingers twitch, his eyes darting over to the booth in panic, she softened, reaching out to touch his arm. "C'mon," she said, more gently. "You can tell me anything, you know?"

He swallowed, then closed his eyes briefly. "It's everything! And nothing. She just doesn't get how hard this is for me. Robin- she just doesn't. If I drink, it weakens my defenses, makes me horny, and I just know I'm gonna hit on some random chick. If I go outside and smoke, there are chicks everywhere, and even if I'm not looking for anything I get hit on. By girls we know, girls we don't know, even girls I've already banged." His voice took on an edge of hysteria. "I'm an addict, Lily. I mean, I've got an addictive personality. And being an addict is about choices. The choice to go cold turkey; all or nothing. But if it's a choice between bimbos and Robin..? I don't want to lose her, but it's impossible. It's like I'm juggling all these balls in the goddamn air, and she doesn't even notice how much it's-" He gulped and Lily finished his sentence for him.

"Killing you…?"

"This thing is, with Robin - she thinks this is all a lie, the relationship part," He says. "She thinks it's some sort of 'bit' between me and her. And I'll go along with that, if it's what it takes to be with her. But for me, this is real - at least for now. If I screw this up, it's over for me. She's my last chance at this."

"Barney, don't be ridiculous-"

"Please don't tell anyone, Lil?" He begged her.

And the trouble was, she never could resist him when he was that vulnerable.

*--*--*

Why couldn't Barney just talk to Robin? Why couldn't those two just have a normal conversation like normal human beings? It pissed Lily off, but she understood how hard it was for either of them to admit to weakness. Stupid! They were both so blind and stupid.

Lily knew that Robin was in love with Barney. Lily knew, because Marshall had told her. Apparently, over the last few weeks, Robin had confided in Marshall a few times over her increasingly confused feelings for Barney and her fear that he'd stray. If Robin admitted to a real relationship, a truthful relationship, she was setting herself up for a fall. She was opening herself up to get hurt.

Everyone always assumed it would be Barney who'd cause the hurt, it would be Barney who would end up destroying whatever hope of happiness he and Robin might have. Everyone always assumed it would be Barney who'd cheat, or say something douchey or just plain old annoy Robin to death. Trouble was, even Barney believed it.

But what about Robin? Robin wasn't exactly top of the class with girlfriend skills. Robin hadn't even noticed that Barney was driving himself to distraction. All this trying to go cold turkey - giving up the booze, the cigarettes and the bimbos, all at once? No one could have that much willpower. It was like he was setting himself up to fail, just so he could tell himself it was hopeless. No matter what he said, Barney was as scared of admitting to a real relationship as Robin was.

But that shouldn't let Robin off the hook. It was her duty if she loved her man (no matter what she called him) to help him if he was in pain. Lily was horrified to discover that Robin had no idea what was going on, or was in denial. Either one sucked, frankly.

If she counselled Robin to talk to Barney though, he'd probably deny it like he tried to with her. His pride would get in the way. Then Robin would get angry and he would get defensive. No, Barney was unlikely to admit weakness to a woman, not yet, not even to Robin. He might admit it to a "Bro."

Trouble was, telling Marshall wouldn't help. Marshall would listen and soften, and anyways, Barney could wrap him around his little finger. Marshall just couldn't be mean, that was his greatest strength and only weakness.

Ted then. She had to tell Ted. Barney trusted Ted at a very deep level, far more profoundly than his constant parroting insistence that he was Ted's "best friend" would indicate. He's listen to Ted. And Ted was capable of being mean.

Tough love was called for here. In any other circumstances she's call an intervention. An anti-intervention - since she was effectively telling him to quit trying to clean up his act. But interventions never worked on Barney. He'd either space out or do whatever it was even worse than before. Lord knows what would happen if they called an intervention on him right now.

He'd probably join the priesthood, Lily laughed to herself.

So, Ted then. She only hoped that she wasn't too late.

*--*--*

Unfortunately Robin was there when Lily arrived. She'd counted on Robin being out (she was shooting a piece for her early morning TV show), but it looked like the girl was home early.

As it was, Lily never even got the chance to take the initiative, because Ted blurted, "Lil, I'm glad you're here. I'm worried about Barney."

Robin looked up from her magazine. "Say what?"

"So am I," Lily replied, slowly and carefully.

"Lily?" Robin said with a nervous giggle.

"You mean you haven't noticed?" Ted sounded a little outraged.

"Er, nope. What?" Robin sat up, alert, concerned and looking mildly irritated at his tone.

"You're his girlfriend," Ted pressed her. "Come on! You haven't noticed anything unusual?"

"I'm not his girlfriend!" Robin exclaimed, before realising her mistake. "I mean, yeah, I totally am." She shrugged off the accusing stares that both Ted and Lily threw at her. "Guys, it's Barney! He's just being… super Barney lately."

Ted turned his back on her in disgust and began talking to Lily. "So, he's stopped drinking, obviously he's stopped hitting on women. I'm thinking either he's sick or it's a bet. Oh, and he's even stopped gambling! I bet him a dollar that Marshall would never find his barrel again and he practically ran away."

Lily nodded. "He's stopped smoking too."

Robin snorted, "Well hey, I'm trying to quit. I asked him to stop tasting of cigars. Totally not helping, man!"

Lily rounded on her. "Oh will you just Shut UP! This has nothing to do with you. Unless you take some freakin' responsibility for what you have with Barney, what you really have, not some kind of elaborate lie, then you are out of this conversation."

Robin balked and went pale. "Jeez, do you take that tone with your kindergarteners?"

"When they deserve it, yeah, I do!" Lily said.

"Barney's really given up drinking?" Robin replied, a little more worriedly. "But he was knocking back shots like crazy in the strip club and they never even seemed to touch him- Oh." She paused, the truth hitting her. "Is he sick?"

"No," Lily said. "He's just trying to be the boyfriend he thinks you want him to be."

"He's not really my boyfriend. He knows that!" Robin protested. "Doesn't he?" Her tone changed, becoming less certain.

"He wants to be." Ted said, turning towards her. "He's had a year to work this stuff through whereas you've only been getting used to the idea for a few months."

"Exactly," Lily said. "I hate to say this but I think you guys have gone way past the time for the talk. I think you need to break up with him."

Ted and Robin both stared at her in shock. "No way!"

Lily smiled and shrugged. "Of course not. It's never too later for the talk…"

*--*--*

Robin found Barney sitting down at the bar. She placed a glass of scotch in front of him as he looked up at her dejectedly. How had she missed it? There were circles under his eyes, His fingers skittered over the glass like he was playing the piano. He even flinched when she reached out for his hand.

"Drink that," she said softly.

He opened his mouth to argue but she silenced him with a glare. "Drink it."

He obeyed, downing the liquor with a grimace as it burned his gullet.

"Better?" She asked. He shook his head and gave her a confused look. It was time for some straight talking, she told herself. Time to have The Talk, even. Maybe Lily wasn't completely wrong.

"Barney…" She began. "I think we're in a relationship. An honest-to-goodness, real, actual relationship. You're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend and you've got to stop this."

"Stop what?" He asked her, all the color draining from his face. Oh god, had she said the wrong thing? Had Lily and Ted been way off the mark? She took his drink, the one he'd had in front of him when she arrived, and swigged it down, almost choking from the sweet, spicy taste. "Bleugh! Oh man, what's happened to you?"

He shifted in his seat, looking guilty, and mumbled. "Nothin'…"

"Barney!" She repeated, warningly.

He looked up at her, all wide blue eyes and furrowed brow. She could tell he was thinking quickly. "Robin… I've got something to tell you. I've got cancer."

"Cancer?" Robin repeated incredulously. "You're really going there? With cancer?"

"Uh… yeah… I-" His voice trailed off under her baleful stare. "I haven't got cancer." He threw up his hands and made to get up out of the booth. "Forget it."

Robin reached across the table and grabbed one of his hands, yanking him back down. "You aren't going anywhere, buddy!"

He sat back down heavily, eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline, he looked so surprised. "What?"

"Barney, you're my boyfriend," she began.

"Yeah right. Boyfriend." he repeated with a sigh.

"Dude, you're not making this easy." She said. He shrugged, nodding at her to go on. "Okay… We're in a relationship, right? So maybe we should said up some ground rules."

"Woah there! Relationship-?"

"Oh stop it!" She interrupted him. "Just… quit it, okay. We both know that we've been exclusive for the last three months. You know that watching you head out to strip clubs drives me crazy. Let's just cut the crap and-"

He got out of the booth and slid around next to her. "Or… Or…"

She placed her finger on his lips and pushed him back. "No! No kissing."

His face fell.

"I mean, no kissing right now. Kissing later, obviously." She laughed at the look of relief in his expression. "Look," she continued. "I know this is hard for you, but let's start over. There's gonna be a bunch of stuff we have to work through, but at least if we admit to being boyfriend and girlfriend, we'll have a chance of winning this one. Otherwise… We're never really taking a chance at all."

He just stared at her for a moment before letting out a sigh. "And that's really what you want?"

She nodded. It kind of was. "If you promise me one thing?"

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Uh, what…?"

"Stop drinking ginger beer. It makes you taste disgusting."

"That's what you said about-" He winked. "Never stopped you kissing me." He winced as she thumped him in the arm. "Cigarettes! What did you think I meant?"

She glared at him.

"C'mon. S'not the worst thing you've put in your mouth today."

"Shut up."

He grinned. "Not even a fist bump?"

"Shut up, or so help me Barney, I'll-"

But then his tongue was down her throat and he was reminding her why he was totally worth all this effort..