Laura sat stoically in the waiting room chair. Her paperwork finished, she held on tightly to the wooden arm, staring at the discreet patterns in the carpet. She took a breath. The air flowed into her lungs, and she could hear it as it moved through her body. She held it tightly in. Slow and long deep breaths. She had practiced the method to remove panic after her family. Slow and long deep breaths.
Her nails dug into the finished wood. The pattern on the carpet was full of dizzying circles, and it made her head her to stare at it. So she stopped. She closed her eyes and listened to the noise of the room. Sounds behind the main desk as the attendants and nurses talked, hushed voices as partners conspired and talked about anything but the reason they were all there.
The tears burst forth. She held them back. Releasing her pent up breath, she blinked her eyes to rid the salty demons from her. She needed air, the ocean, the mountainside, anything but that damned waiting room.
"Laura Roslin?"
Her eyes snapped open and landed on a young woman dressed in scrubs. She blinked back the escaped tears and pushed up from her seat. Her heels clicked against the carpet, muffled sounds filtering to her ears over the roaring of nerves. They moved into a hallway filled with tiny doors.
"I need you to put a gown on." The nurse handed her pink material. "You can use this room. Leave your stuff in the locker. There's a second waiting room just around the corner."
Laura nodded. She said not one word to the woman. She shut the door behind her and stared at the closed locker. She shook her head. She locked the door and brushed away her tears, thankful that there was no mirror in the tiny changing room. Tediously, she unbuttoned her blouse, tugging it off her shoulders. She slid her camisole over her head and stuffed both items into the locker. Letting out a rush of air, she reached back and undid the clasp of her bra. The material fell away. She shoved it into the locker and slammed the door before another moment could pass.
She felt completely naked. Bare to the world in all her inadequacies. Laura jerked the pink gown over her shoulders and fumbled with the ties. She managed the first one at her right side before reaching behind her back for the second. She tied that one in a knot against the left side of her waist. She was secure in the thin material. The cold air of the office slid over her, raising her nipples. Her treacherous nipples.
She brushed her fingers against her face and left the room.
The waiting room was just around the corner. She sat and crossed her legs, her arms still wrapped in protection around her. She would not move. Two other women sat in the corners, waiting for their names to be called. She was the only one there for negative reasons. It was an irrational thought, but she knew she was right—she had to be right. The other two women were just there for regular check-ups. She shook her head and stared at the patterned carpet.
She glanced at her watch. Twenty minutes had slowly ticked by. The two women had gone and three new ones replaced them. She had to be next. She bit her lip and held back every emotion she could think of. She didn't want to think. She didn't want to feel. Laura just wanted to get up and walk out of the room, but something had rooted her to the spot. She was glued to the comfy leather seat.
"Ms. Roslin."
She glanced up. She shook her head and started the slow walk to the nurse. The woman smiled at her with pity. Her dark eyes and skin wrinkled as they walked into the room. Laura pushed herself to sit on the table, her arms instantly moving back to wrap around her as soon as she settled.
"I have a few questions."
"Okay," her voice broke. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Okay."
The woman glanced up at her before looking down at her paperwork. "When did you first notice the lump?"
She cleared her throat again. "Two weeks ago." She sounded timid even to her own ears. She refused to look up. Instead, Laura stared at her toes in the heels she still wore.
"With a self-breast exam?"
"No," she whispered.
"Do you regularly perform self-breast exams?"
"No." She closed her eyes feeling guilt wash over her. She should have been more careful. She should have been checking every month. She should have watched everything.
"All right, well that would be a good practice to get into."
Laura nodded and didn't speak.
"On a scale of one to ten, ten being going to a doctor for immediate care, what is your pain level?"
Laura swallowed. Tears brimmed in the corner of her eyes. "Seven. Ten when it's touched." She knew the woman was looking at her. She didn't have to see those dark eyes to know she was being judged.
"When did your first feel pain?"
"Four months ago." Laura shook her head. She wanted to apologize for not coming in sooner. She wanted to make excuses for why she hadn't—but there were none. The woman wrote on her piece of paper. Laura ignored her.
"Okay, tell me where it is."
"My left breast." Laura couldn't help herself. Her hand moved to cup her breast where it hurt the most. She didn't wince as the pain struck through her body. She held her hand more tightly over her skin. "On the side."
"Point to where it is."
Laura moved her hand away and pointed to the top part of her breast, an inch from her areola where the pain and the lump was located. She said nothing. The woman wrote more down and showed Laura the crudely drawn picture of a breast.
"Right here?"
Laura nodded. "Yeah."
"Okay. Lay back please."
She slipped her shoes off and scooted further onto the table, her back against the paper. The woman washed her hands in the sink and came over.
"I'm going to untie this."
Laura nodded and watched as the woman worked at the knot. She swallowed hard as the thin, pink material was pulled away from her skin. The woman tucked it down and untied the strings at Laura's right hip, the ones tucked inside the gown.
"Okay, I'm going to perform a breast exam, to determine exactly where the lump is before we do the sonogram."
She said nothing in response.
"I need you to raise your left arm over your head."
Laura complied and rested the back of her hand on the pillow. The woman's hands on her were cold. Her breast moved, jiggling back and forth. She turned her head to the side so she wouldn't have to watch. She didn't want to watch. She felt the cold fingers move in hard circles from the base of her breast to the center. She let out a harsh breath, barely holding back the sob that wanted to break forth. She made a sharp noise in the back of her throat when the nurse found the spot.
"Sorry, I know it hurts."
She didn't seem sorry though. She continued to push against Laura's skin. The pain was becoming unbearable and just as she was about to cry, the woman moved away. She pulled the machine next to her over, raising the screen slightly and tapping information into the computer. Laura stayed still, motionless.
Her left arm started to go numb from her elbow up to her fingers, but she didn't dare move. Her breast was out for everyone who dared enter to see. She was completely exposed. She watched what she could see of the screen. Her name appeared, the date, the labels of the sonogram being put into place.
"I'll be right back. I'm just going to get the doctor." The woman leaned over and covered Laura's breast. "You can put your arm down for a while."
Laura did. She stuck the edge of her thumb under her waistband to prevent her body from moving further. Her shoulders were so tense that she could feel the muscles burning in her stationary position. She didn't want to move. She stared at the ceiling for an undeterminable amount of time before reading and looking at each picture in the dimly lit room.
When the door opened again, everything seemed to move in fast forward. She was propped up with strange, triangle-shaped foam under her side. The sonogram was on, her breast was uncovered, and the doctor stared at the screen, not her. Laura took a deep breath as the first needle slipped into her skin. The nurse held her right hand tightly, her left starting to go numb again after being shoved over her head awkwardly. Another needle and then another.
They waited.
The doctor watched the screen of the sonogram, finding the right angle to see the lump. He pursed his lips and clicked on the keyboard. Small lines appeared on the screen with measurements and numbers and letters attached. She closed her eyes.
"We're ready," the nurse said after pressing fingers in Laura's skin, asking if she could feel it.
They switched spots. The nurse came to stand at Laura's right, the doctor on her treacherous side. He palmed her.
"Take a deep breath. Squeeze Marie's hand if you need to."
Laura nodded. She shut her eyes tight and felt the pressure build slowly. She knew the needle was going in. There was no other reason she would be feeling what she did. Pain lashed through her, and she jerked.
"Stay still, Laura. It'll hurt more if you move."
She didn't answer. She opened her eyes and locked them onto the screen. The sonogram wand was still pressed to her body and she saw the needle inside her. Her head started to spin. She took a deep breath. Her skin became clammy.
"Three pops, and then we're done."
She groaned. She heard the first two clicks come together. She felt more pressure. The needle was pushed further inside. Two more, then another two clicks. She took in a deep breath through her nose, ordering her body to stay with it. She would not faint. She heard rustling behind her. The foam was pulled from her side, and she rested normally. The nurse tugged her left arm over her head and down to her side. Laura said a silent prayer to make the tingling stop. It was too much.
"We'll have your results in three days. You did very well." The doctor pressed a hand to her ankle and gave a wan smile before leaving the room with three tiny test tubes.
"Sit up slowly."
The nurse helped her up. Laura started to tie the gown, but the woman stopped her.
"We have to ice it." She moved to a small table and picked up a tiny ice back in the shape of a circle. Laura stared at it. She pressed it to the Laura's breast, the needle mark already covered with a band aid. She took gauze and taped it over the tiny ice pack, making sure that it would hold in place before she backed up. "Your bra will help keep it on."
Laura nodded.
She tied her gown and stood up, leaning back into the table when the head rush hit. She headed toward the door only turning back when Marie spoke.
"You're done. We'll call you when we get the results."
Laura rushed out of the room and back into the tiny dressing room. She shoved her bra on, making sure she didn't jar the ice pack that she couldn't feel. The local anesthetic still working in her system. She buttoned her blouse. Her fingers fumbled three times on the same button, but she finally got it in place. She shoved her jacket over her shoulders, her hands shaking and her nerves fraying with each passing second. She stopped. She took a moment.
She adjusted her shoulders and held her head high. She tightened her stomach muscles and turned to walk out of the room. She paused with her fingers wrapped around the door handle. She took a breath.
She was a woman. She was strong. She was beautiful. What made her a woman by her very nature was rebelling against her. She was close to losing who she was. She held her breath. She was a woman. She was strong. She was beautiful.
Laura nodded to herself and walked out of the room.