Their dead. Everyone inside Mount Weather is dead. Because of me. It was my idea to let the radiation in knowing it would kill everyone even our friends. Monty and Bellamy helped but this was my fault and now they life with the same burdens as me. When all my people had safely made to back to camp Jaha I couldn't go inside with them. Just looking at them reminds me of every innocent person I had killed in making sure they live. So, I left without saying goodbye to anyone but Bellamy. He offered me forgiveness like I did when he got those 300 people killed on the ark. I couldn't stay and we both knew it. With one finally hug and a promise of staying safe I left the safety of my camp and walked in to the forest. That's were I've been living for the last three months. In hindsight I shouldn't have left without getting any supplies but I've survived with just my knife for this long. I've gotten quite good at hunting which has been my main reason for lasting this long. What I didn't need from my hunts I traded in exchange for more food. Niylah is the only human contact I have and want. She's kind to me and saved me from the bounty hunters. I didn't come to her trading hut tonight with the aim to sleep with her but one thing led to another and I did. And I don't regret it. She's made feel more human in time together then the monster that I really am.
I trusted that we were the good guys and Mount Weather were the bad guys. But like my Mom said there are no good guys. Because what good guy kills children and innocent people to save their people. I don't regret pulling the lever because it saved my people but I regret other people who helped us, who didn't want to hurt us also had to die. Maya had to die so we could live. Most nights I wake up screaming after seeing them accusing me of murdering them and watching as the radiation kills them slowly. The same dream woke me tonight.
At first, I was confused as to where as was since I was in a hut and not the forest. But then I felt Niylah holding me tightly almost like she trying to protect me from the nightmares. Being here with her give me peace I do not deserve. All grounders saw me as Wanheda the commander of death because I cured the reapers and ended the mountain. The same is meant to be a honour but all it is to me is a reminder of all the pain I've caused. Starting with my dad and ending with the mountain. I never wanted to kill people I wanted to save them. I just didn't realise to save my people I had to become a killer. And now I'm been hunted so they can steal a power I don't hold. When I'm out in the woods I'm Wanheda but here in this hut with Niylah I'm just Clarke. The pain of what I've done is still there but somehow is dulled while I'm with Niylah.
She protected and helped me when I needed her and didn't expect anything in return. It's like she's the only person who can see the good in me and she makes me feel the good in me. She's not like other grounders I've met. She doesn't care for fighting. She's a lot like Lincoln in the way she kind and understands how the ground works but doesn't like how things are so she and her dad own a trading hut instead of being drawn to the violence. I couldn't image Niylah being violent towards anyone. I guess it's one of the reasons I'm most drawn to her. Another being her compassion and understanding. She now knows the mountain is a sore subject for me and she won't push me to talk about nut she wants me to let the pain go. She's special and I doubt she knows show special or how much she's come to mean to me. But I'm a danger to her. With the bounty hunter after me they wouldn't hesitate to hurt her to get to me so I need to leave so she can be spared the pain.
Slowly and carefully I remove myself from her embrace and quietly as possible put my clothes back on and make my way towards the door. But before I could open the door Niylahs voice drew my attention. "Clarke where are you going." Her voice sounded so uncertain and confused. I had my back to her because I couldn't bare to see her face right now. If I did I doubt I could leave. It scares me how I feel for her. She's the only good thing in my life but I have to protect her. She has to understand that.
"I have to go Niylah." I say proud that my voice comes out stronger than I thought it would. "As long as I'm here you're in danger and I won't let anything bad happen to you." The last part comes out a lot quieter then it was meant to be but I feel like I was right for this moment. I hear the sheets move from the bed as Niylah moves towards me. I know I should be leaving but I can't find the strength to open the door. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave her.
"Clarke you don't have to leave. Nothing bad is going to happen to me here." Her voice is quiet as she slowly moves towards me like I'm a frightened animal and any loud noise or sudden movement will case me to flee. "You don't need to be afraid for worried in here. Outside is where the world is dangerous but in here is safe." She's right the danger to me is outside not inside. It's safe here. I'm safe with her. But only for the moment.
"What if the bounty hunters come back." I ask knowing full well I won't here, won't leave her.
"Then we will deal them if that happens. Clarke. Please look at me." Her voice is calming and makes me want to stay with her even more. Taking a deep breath, I turn to face Niylah. She's standing directly in front of so close I almost feel her breath on my chest. She didn't bother to get dressed like I did and it doesn't matter because I've already seen all of her. Touched and worshiped all of her. She moves her hand to cup my cheek and I lean in to her savouring her touch. "Your safe with me. I swear." Looking into eyes I see no deceit or anything to suggest she lying. All I see is her passion and compassion.
I've seen and heard everything I needed to convince myself that I can stay. That I could be more than Wanheda. I close the distance between us and claim her lips with mine. When I kissed Finn, it was always out of pain. Pain of losing Charlotte and then having to kill him for everyone else to live and to save him from the pain. When I kissed Lexa, it was surprising and confusing as I was still not over Finn and not understanding myself. I wasn't ready when we kissed but here kissing Niylah I know who I am and I want her more than I've ever wanted anyone. Kissing her feels like I'm whole and I know that I have a future.
At some point we had moved back to her bed and I lost all of my clothing as I went back to savouring every part of her. Her every touch set my body on fire and reignite my need for her and only for her. We continued this until our bodies didn't have the energy. So we just lied their wrapped in our embrace as I slowly kiss her lips and neck. I wasn't ready after Finn but I'm ready now and Niylah is the only light in the darkness that is my life and I know this peace I feel with her will never fade. When I fall asleep for the second time that night I know I'm safe and she'll keep the bad dreams from haunting me. Because nothing could taint her love. Not even me. And for the first time in months I feel completely happy.