Sebastian shook his head from where he was seated in his place on the floor at Jim's feet. They had been watching one of their programs when Jim had casually suggested that they engage in some sexual activity. "I'm not really interested in that," he gently explained.
Jim stroked his fingers through Sebastian's hair and cocked his head. "Why not?" he asked, genuinely curious. He'd been considering it for a few days and he hadn't been prepared for refusal.
Sebastian shrugged. It wasn't as if he didn't enjoy Jim's touches or his company, but Sebastian had been keeping something from him for a very long time and doing those things would quickly expose him. He had been doing well, almost eight months of employment and Jim hadn't noticed his binder or the rolled up socks in the bottom of his drawer. "I'll do things for you, I would just rather keep my clothes on if you don't mind."
Jim frowned and tugged lightly on Sebastian's hair. He had noticed the sniper's distance but he hadn't thought anything of it until now. "I don't want that," he said. "I would like to know why you won't agree, though."
Sebastian nervously pushed his hands against his bound breasts and took a deep breath. He didn't know whether Jim had figured him out yet but he didn't want to risk it. "It's just not my thing," he lied. "I'm sorry. It isn't that I don't like you."
Jim's eyes flicked immediately down to Sebastian's chest and he narrowed his eyes slightly. "Not your thing...hm." He trailed his fingers through Sebastian's hair, down his neck and onto his shoulder. "Are you a virgin? No... Are you deformed? No, not that either." He cocked his head. Why couldn't he figure this out?
Sebastian sat quietly and allowed his boss to continue. He had been planning on getting the surgery. He had been out as transgender to close friends since high school but he had never had the money and then he had never had the time. He knew that Jim might be able to help him out with it but he was too embarrassed to say anything. "Just let it go, okay?"
"No," Jim snapped. He turned himself and let his legs rest on either side of Sebastian, his arms looped around his sniper's upper chest. "I just want you to talk to me, darling. Something's wrong, tell me." He brushed his lips over Sebastian's cheek and squeezed him.
Sebastian shook his head again and curled his fingers around a few of Jim's. He held on tight and leaned his head back against Jim's shoulder. "I love you. You know that, right?" He turned his head and nuzzled his face into the soft skin of Jim's neck. "I'm sorry, sir." He wanted to tell him but he wasn't quite ready yet. He dreaded facing the man's reaction and he was understandably hesitant to mention something so important.
Jim sighed and held Sebastian tighter against him. "I know, pet." He wiggled his fingers and linked his and Sebastian's, gently squeezing them in a show of support. He'd be there when Sebastian was ready and he would listen, no matter what. "Don't you trust me, Sebby? I'll keep an open mind, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die." His voice was a low purr, his lips pressed to Sebastian's ear. "You can tell me, love."
Sebastian ducked out of Jim's grasp and stood, rubbing his hands over his face. He loved Jim's touches but his discomfort was slowly growing in pace with his concern of being discovered. He nervously pulled at the front of his oversized jumper. All of this secrecy was wearing him down. His anxiety was peaking and he truly did feel guilty. He desperately searched for the words to explain but he was coming up empty handed.
Jim raised an eyebrow and sat back against the sofa cushions, pressing the fingers of one hand to his lips. "Sebby... Love, what is it? Have you been abused before? Is that..." He didn't understand what the problem could be, what could cause Sebastian to be this upset. He was doing that nervous pulling that Jim had occasionally noticed, he would yank on the front of whatever he was wearing and Jim never understood why.
Sebastian hesitated a moment and then disappeared into his private bedroom, pulling his shoebox out from the back of his closet. He held it tight against him and took several deep breaths before he came back into the sitting room and set it into Jim's lap in a sudden burst of determination. Inside were his original birth certificate and his authentic medical records displaying his gender as female along with his old ace bandage that he kept for sentimental reasons. If he wasn't able to vocalize, this was the next best thing. He wasn't ready to face the facts just yet but he knew that he couldn't wait any longer. "I have been but…this is…just open it," he whispered. He remained standing. It made him feel a little bit more confident.
Jim's brow furrowed but he held the box and only glanced up at Sebastian once before opening it. Bandages? And... Jim pulled out the documents and quickly read them over, his eyes widening as he did so. He looked repeatedly from the papers in his hands to Sebastian and back again. Finally he put them back down and closed the box, sitting in silence for a long, tense moment. Sebastian was not Sebastian. Or he - she? - was but not as Jim knew him - her? - or thought that he did. "You... Why didn't you tell me?" he asked softly, looking up to meet Sebastian's eyes.
Sebastian carefully watched Jim's face and his body for any indication of his emotional state and although he was still wary, he was able to relax a little when he didn't discover any anger. He fought to keep himself composed. It wouldn't exactly help him to uphold his masculine appearance if he broke down in front of his boss. He swallowed hard and anxiously rubbed his hands over his cropped hair. "I was worried," he admitted. His voice was rough when he spoke and he cleared his throat before trying again. "I was worried that you wouldn't hire me if you knew and then I gradually became attached and my concern shifted toward abandonment. I was worried that you would pitch me back out on the streets." He kept his own eyes respectfully downturned.
"I didn't hire you because you're a man," Jim said firmly. He stood and walked toward Sebastian, an uncharacteristically soft look in his eyes. "I hired you because you're an amazing sniper, a phenomenal asset and...and a friend. More than a friend, actually." He reached out with caution and touched Sebastian's cheek, stroking him softly. "I'm not abandoning you."