Discalimer: I don't own these characters, if I did it wouldn't be fan fiction…
Long A/N: So, this story is the apple of my eye. No, but it has occupied all of my writing time (what little I find myself with these days) and I'm sorry for you guys who are looking for a sequel to First Kisses. I started one, but then I didn't like it so I'm going to start all new. But I have to make myself want to first, so sorry. If you don't know what that is, never mind it.
This story is a Trunks and Pan fic (even though you won't believe it in the beginning) and it's the most realistic one I've ever started to write. They're 14 years apart, accurately and I'm quite amazed that I had the nerve. Anyway, I believe my plot is original, or at least I haven't read a T/P that happened like mine is going to…so stick with me, please. Wow, that was long, without farther a-due:
Smile when your heart is breaking
She pulled her legs up, curling in a fetal position, and resting her back against the door. Her body shook as she sighed and sniffed as quietly as possible, letting the tears trickle down her eyes, across the sides of her face. They dropped and hit the carpet with a soft 'pat', a repeated tapping sound as she continued to sob and shake.
Her room was as dark as her heart. And just as empty. Not even the moon shone in through her blinds as she gave in to her body's need to fall apart. A sob slipped out of her throat, past her mouth, and resembled a wounded dog. Her head beat softly across the door as she heard her father's footsteps padding up the stairs, towards her room.
Her heartbeat quickened as she gripped her midnight strands thickly in her hands, yanking softly. She hoped that once, just once, he would walk by and pretend like he didn't know anything was wrong. She heard his feet stop at her door, heard his clothes wrestle as she was sure he lifted his arm. Okay, the knock would come next. Then he would be asking her if she was all right. And what would she say? Would she even be able to respond?
Silent tears poured down her face as she waited for his hand to rest on her door. Waited for the knock to disrupt her misery. But it never came. She heard her father's clothes rustle again and then his descending footsteps as he walked back down the stairs. She sighed, but knowing that he wasn't going to rescue her, somehow left her even more empty. She curled up more, if the motion was possible, and shoved her hand inside her mouth to keep the whimper from escaping this time. She was utterly alone.
For years she'd been whining about why no one ever let her grow up. And now, here she was, grown. And they were treating her as such. Both her parents knew she was cowering in her room, weeping like a spoiled child that couldn't get the newest model of the best toy. But they were no where in sight. Not even asking her if she needed anything. Not even asking her what was wrong. They surely didn't know. No one knew.
She'd been the first person he told. The special honor of being his 'best friend'. She'd been the very fist soul, that wasn't apart of it, to hear the news. Not even his parents knew yet and that said something. It said he trusted her. Respected her. Cared about her. But he didn't love her. She was everything that one person could be to another, for him, everything except that one. She was his best friend, his confidant, his soul. But she wasn't his love. She wasn't his 'soul mate'. She never would be now.
No matter how long she told herself that things might work out. No matter how long she trusted herself with the knowledge that she was still hopelessly in love with him and hoping he'd open his eyes. No matter how many times she pretended one day he would come around. He never would. Things would never be the way she wanted them to be.
He was lost to her forever. She would never be more than his little brother. Because he always saw her as a tomboy. Always saw her as a little kid. And she would never graduate in his eyes. She would never be that kind of beautiful in his eyes. Would never be looked at as anything more than a good friend. A confidant. The other half of his soul. But he'd never admit that last part. Ever.
She sobbed one last time and then sat up. Uncurling her body and thinking what Vegita would think if he could see her now. Wiping her eyes, she forced her weak body up, her knees shaky while she moved, and pushed herself to walk over to her bed. She pulled the covers back and lay there. All night, looking up at the ceiling, the tears still falling steady, until finally, her eyes cried dry. Nothing else would come out. And the sun was cascading on her face, telling her it was time for the day to begin again. Time to shove her fears and insecurities away. Time to forget that her heart was broken, suck it up and be the Pan that she knew she could be. She was stronger than this, better than this. And she wasn't going to mope around anymore.
*
"Bulma, I understand. But-….yes…I'm aware…Life altering?…Really?…Well I'll be sure to-…I think he has a free schedule. Yes…yes….Bulma!" Videl finally bellowed with exasperation. "Will you please, please let me talk." Pan watched, curious, as her mother heaved a heavy sigh and listened as Bulma responded. Pan fought back the frustration in her face, trying hard not to let it show. She knew why Bulma was calling. Knew what the whole conversation was about. Life altering news. Pan scoffed.
"Now, I don't know if Pan is busy or not. But I can assure you that Goten and I aren-…Bulma! You cut me off again." Pan tried not to laugh as her mother frowned, her nose flaring in and out in frustration. Then she realized what her mother had just said and sheer panic reeked through every inch of her body. Crept through every crevice of her small frame. Surely they weren't discussing what she thought they were discussing.
She vigorously shook her head, silently telling her mother that she couldn't make it. Videl caught the look but only continued to look flustered as she conversed with Bulma.
"As I was saying," She started again, haughtily. "I don't know if Pan's busy. But Goten and I will be there. Oh, here Panny is, I think she has plans." She added in as causally as she could and Pan heaved a sigh of relief. She just couldn't face it today, and was highly glad her mother was willing to get her out of it. But Bulma didn't seem to give up. The phone call wasn't over. Her mother wasn't hanging up.
"What?" Videl asked, seemingly startled. "Important to Trunks?…Well…" Pan watched in sheer horror as her mother gazed uneasily at her. Obviously about to cave. Pan put pleading into her face, shaking her head even more and crossing her arms. She wasn't going to go. There was no way; even if hell froze over, Bra saved the world, and penguins learned how to fly. She wasn't showing up to hear their 'life altering' news.
"I'm sure she can clear her schedule." Her mother finally finished, all too eager to hang up the phone. Her mother gave her the best sorry look she could muster, but Pan had turned away from her. The second Videl clicked off the phone Pan began to yell.
"I'm not going mum! I'm not in the mood for one of Bulma's last second get-togethers. I don't care what you say." She threw her arms up in protest, pacing the kitchen floor with a wild look about her eyes. Videl unconsciously took a step back from her daughter before challenging her.
"She says it's important." Videl countered but Pan didn't waver.
"I don't care." Pan stated flatly, shaking her head. "She always says it's important." Pan rolled her eyes, feeling the familiar sting that had been there all last night and part of this morning. She wasn't going. They couldn't make her go. She was twenty-one for Dende's sake. They couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do.
"She says it would be really important. To…Trunks." Her mother lifted her eyebrows suggestively, knowing her daughter's weak spot. But it wasn't working this time. Not this time. No one was going to use Trunks as an excuse to get their way. Just because her heart belonged to him in every aspect of the word 'belong'.
"I don't care. I don't feel well. Not well enough for one of her social gatherings." Pan thought quickly, using the first thing that came into grasp. It wasn't a lie after all. She didn't feel well. She didn't care if her being there meant the world to Trunks. But that wasn't the reason she didn't want to go. No, not at all. She would have sucked up anything that was wrong with her to spend an hour or two in the same enclosed area as Trunks, him not being able to use work as an excuse to get away. Her mother must have known that too, for she gave Pan a weary but disbelieving look.
"What's wrong, Panny? Something happened, didn't it? Do you want to talk about it? Are you all right?" Pan laughed, despite herself. Despite the fact that her heart was fluttering at that very second, the second of her mother mentioning 'something' happening. Yes, something had happened. Something that would change her heart forever. Something that had forced her to grow into all of her twenty and some odd years in just one night. Something that forced her to shove her childhood dreams aside and forget any hopes or games that she used to play. Forget that she was normally immature and goofy. She never would be again. Something had turned her cold and solemn over night. Was she all right? Did something happen? What a crock.
"Mother," Pan spoke, a slight smile pressed to her lips. It was a false smile. One of those forced ones you gave when people asked you if you were 'fine' and you were really torn apart. But you didn't want sympathy and they really didn't want to know. So you smiled, though your heart were breaking and you felt like crying. You smiled despite the worst. "Please, ask one question, wait for a response, and then precede to the next." She chuckled slightly, but even the air was mocking her. Even the air could tell that laugh was just as forced as the smile she'd plastered on her face.
Her mother gave a concerned stare, her lips upturning in a displeased sort of frown. "Pan, are you all right?" Videl questioned cautiously.
"Never been better." Pan answered bitterly, gritting her teeth as she said it and tilting her head to the side with fake, sarcastic cheer.
"In that case," Her mother answered shortly, nearly uncouth. "You won't mind going to the party tonight." Pan opened her mouth in protest but she knew she'd lost. From the look on her mother's face she knew she'd crossed the line when she stood there and mocked her concern, feeding her instead, with sarcasm. Pan was going to have to go.
"Damn." She muttered rolling her eyes and fighting back the tears that were so close to trickling out of her eyes and past her cheeks. At least then her mother might take pity on her. No, not until finding out what was wrong. And Pan would never tell her. Never admit the reason her heart had been torn apart. She was going.
"It's formal." Her mother called after her as she angrily marched back up the stairs to her room. "So don't forget to put on a dress." Pan scoffed loudly and slammed her door.
*
"Hurry up, Pan!" She heard her mother yelling as she slowly trudged down the stairs. What for? She wasn't in a hurry to hear their damn news. She didn't want to see the look of surprise on everyone's faces. She didn't want to hear all the congratulations, and she didn't want to be apart of giving them. She scrunched her nose as she made it past the last step and Videl sighed.
"It took you long enough. We're running la-" Videl paused, letting her eyes run over Pan with distaste. Her lips were curled in a fashion that let Pan read every expression clearly on her face. And this wasn't good. Wasn't good at all.
"Pan Son!" Her father angrily chimed in, getting a look at his daughter and sighing. "I believe your mother told you to wear a dress." He uplifted his eyebrows in anger.
But Pan didn't care. Wear a dress for what? One of Bulma's announcement parties? To make Trunks happy? Hah. She'd spent her whole life trying to make Trunks happy. She could care less if this ruined the night for him. If he didn't want her to come as she was, he shouldn't have wanted her there at all. And her parents, they knew she didn't want to go. Knew she wasn't feeling the best. Knew something was wrong. Why couldn't they just be glad she'd come traveling down those stairs at all? She counter sighed and tilted her head, giving the best I-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-what-I'm-wearing look.
"Go change." Her mother ordered sternly, but Pan crossed her arms and shifted all of her weight to one foot, giving a defiant face.
"No thanks." She answered, just as stern. She was wearing a black baseball style button-up shirt that had white strips and red lettering on it and was three sizes too big. It wasn't buttoned at all. Underneath was a white tee that clung to her body and showed the bottom half of her stomach. She had on sporty sweat pants, black and gray, that molded to her skin and flared out at the bottom, and on her head was a black, red, and white hat turned backwards and covering the hair that was falling past her shoulders. Her shoes matched the ensemble well, brining out all the colors of red, gray, black, and white. No one could say she hadn't turned her tomboy look into a fashion. She really looked adorable. But it more of the I'm-staying-home-tonight-and-watching-the-game kind of adorable. Not the kind that said I-have-a-big-expensive-party-to-go-to adorable.
"I mean it Pan." Her mother narrowed her eyes, glancing at her silver watch. "Change into a dress, we'll meet you there. You've got ten minutes."
"But if you leave me what makes you think I'll come at all?" She smirked, proving her point to her mother. If they did leave, she certainly wouldn't come. There was no way they could make her. She didn't care what kind of trouble she got into.
"I'll have your father break your neck if you don't. But not enough to kill you. Then we'll wait 'till you heal before we hurt you again." Her mother smirked, planning to uphold her promise. Pan gulped and wavered for a second, thinking hard on what to do, but deciding not to change her mind.
"Fine. Grandpa has survived worst. I have part of his blood in me." She shrugged and sat down on the couch, happy to have gotten out of the nights' events.
"Pan!" Her mother shot, warning her not to get comfortable. "Change. Now. Go."
"I'm going like this, or I'm not going." She leaned in, reaching for the coffee table, trying to get a hold of the remote. Her mother moved quick, smacking her hand.
"Fine! If you want to go looking like a rag-a-muffin, go ahead. You won't embarrass me, we'll pretend we don't know you."
"I'm going to run after you with a snotty nose, yelling 'mommy why'd you leave me in the car!'." Pan chuckled at herself as she slowly stood from the couch, glancing at her father who was clenching his fists in and out. He wanted to say something, but he knew his precious daughter had been crying all last night, he didn't want to upset her more. So, she wanted to go to a party and make a fool of herself. Fine. He really didn't want to go either, he couldn't say he blamed her.
"That wasn't funny, Pan." Was all he said, and more of a side thought than a reprimand.
They made their way to the door, Pan rubbing her hands on her sweats every now and then. They were sweaty, clammy from the nervousness. She didn't want to face what she was in for tonight. Didn't want to deal with all the overly-happy faces. Hers would be the only stale one in the crowd. The only one that wasn't pleased to hear the news. She would be the only one that wanted to cry but couldn't. Because she had to match their brave face with her inside emotions, at least long enough to pretend to be happy.
This might very well be the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. Discounting the time her uncle Goten got his hand jammed in the peanut butter and she had to help him get it out. He was wailing and crying like a four year old. You'd think he wasn't saiyan… ("Why don't you just blast the thing off?" "No, no, my hand will blow with it!") …But then again, if it was for the peanut butter, you'd know he was.
Before she knew what was even happening, her father was parking the car. She didn't even remember stepping in their car, much less getting here already. Why did time have to speed up when it was apparent that you were dreading something? Why did it have to get here sooner because you didn't want the time to pass at all? She sighed, her face visibly paling two shades as her father opened her door so she could get out.
"Are you okay, Panny?" Gohan asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. She nodded, shoving the hand off, and trying to get the blood to go back into her face. She wasn't going to look terrible in front of them. It was already bad enough. She knew her eyes were slightly pink and puffy from all the crying that she'd done last night. And she knew there were bags under them along with a dark, shaded color, because she hadn't slept at all. Then, she'd be the only one there not in formal attire. That was her fault, but hey, she had to slap Trunks in the face one way or another.
And when they announced the news to everybody she was sure her face would pale another two or three shades. But she'd force a smile onto her face. If it killed her, and forced the porcelain, that her body seemed to be made out of these days, to crack at the surface. Maybe she'd even be able to wish him well….hah. Well, there was always some hope. No, not really. Not in this case. This was the only time in her life where she'd felt completely and utterly hopeless. This was it. She decided that she wanted to become a nun. That way she wouldn't have to go through this ever again.
She was surprised to look up and find that she was actually standing in Bulma's 'big room'. It was where everyone gathered for parties and big meetings and such. Punch was laid out on one table. The other was filled with a variety of meats and vegetables. Already she could see her uncle, camped out at the table with three plates stacked to the top. And Vegita, standing in the corner with a scowl deeper than usual on his face, arms crossed. Perhaps, she wasn't the only one unhappy about this 'news' tonight? And Bra, sitting on the couch with Ubuu chatting away happily. He looked semi-bored, but she kept tapping his face, pulling his eyes back into her own so he would pay attention. Poor boy, didn't know what he was getting himself into when he asked her out that first time. Next to them was Eighteen and Krillin, both looked content, silently waiting for something to happen.
Pan turned her head, hearing the door click once again. Yamcha came strolling in, Launch close behind. She couldn't help but roll her eyes to the top of her head. Launch even scared her sometimes. That seemed to be the last of them, because Bulma clasped her hands together and moved to the center of the room. She looked around, no doubt head counting, and let her eyes linger on Pan for longer than was necessary. Delight and displeasure were written all over her face.
Everyone turned to look, even Master Roshi, who'd just walked back into the room a beer in hand. And then she felt their eyes, sitting closely to where Bulma was standing, Trunks and…her. Pan sighed, smiled at the curious crowd of people, no doubt wondering how she could even think to wear that outfit in Bulma's house, and sat down in the closest chair. She glanced at Vegita, who quickly averted his eyes. He'd been staring at her too, but the look on his face was nothing near what everyone else was harboring. He was actually thinking something nice about her. Whatever it was. She could tell because he was quick to turn away. And this was the perfect opportunity for him to scoff and mock at her. Even he wasn't in his training gi.
She sighed again and turned back to the center of the room. Back to Trunks. And her. Trunks was still staring, with a mixture of envy and hurt in his face. She knew what he was thinking. Always knew what he was thinking. He wanted to know why she would wear something like that here, now. When she knew this moment was important to him. When she knew this moment would never happen again. But he was also envious, because he wasn't wearing it. And it indisputably looked comfortable. She let a small smirk graze her lips, a tell-tell sign that she was either mocking him or angry, and he looked away quickly.
"Now that everyone's here," Bulma began, a bubbly air about her. It was unusually happy though, and most of the people in the room caught it. Yamcha, Launch, Gohan, and Videl were looking around with confusion. What could Bulma be so happy about? Even Goten paused in his mouth stuffing to listen to this one. "There's something very important I'd like you all to know…well some of you already know." She gave a quick look to the couch that Bra was sitting on. Bra giggled slightly and put full attention to the center of the room.
Bulma resumed again. "Well-" Then she paused, seemingly too excited to keep going. "Oh!" She exclaimed, her eyes filled with tears. Pan felt her nostrils flare and she had to keep her ki from raging higher than it had ever been. She forced herself to calm down quickly. "I just can't." Bulma concluded and sat down, looking to Trunks for help.
He chuckled and stood up, taking his mother's spot on the floor. He looked around the room, searching for his comfort zone. It was something Trunks always did when he spoke in public. No matter who he was talking to, no matter how long he'd known them. He'd search the people to find the one face that made him more comfortable than any other, and focus completely on that one face. He usually chose the same person time and time again. And, just as usual, his eyes stopped completely on Pan. He breathed and resumed his mother's speech.
"You see," He started, feeling uneasy by the death glare Pan was trying her best not to send to him. He gave a short thought about switching his comfort zone to someone who looked more…friendly, but couldn't find a face among him that he was more comfortable with. "I've decided to finally take all of my mother's yelping and complaining to heed. Well, part of it at least." He gave a small chuckle, staring intently into Pan's eyes. Everyone found themselves diverting their attention from him to Pan, wondering what was going on. She ignored them, turning her gaze from Trunks and looking at the carpet as if it were a new invention of Bulma's.
Trunks didn't know what to do. She'd never broken eye contact before. He suddenly became aware of all the eyes on him again and found himself shaking slightly. This was stupid, though. He made speeches in front of tons of people all the time. People he didn't know and had no clue about. At least these people were his friends and family. All he had to do was just find another comfort zone.
As Pan looked up again, she saw Trunks had averted his standing position, he was now facing her. His eyes were locked with hers. And she was grinning stupidly. Okay, so maybe it wasn't stupidly. Maybe Pan was just biased. Maybe it was the most gorgeous smile Pan had ever seen grace someone's lips. Maybe she was breathtaking, but that didn't help Pan with her self esteem. So, in Pan's eyes, she was grinning stupidly.
"Trunks and I are going to get married. We're-"
"We're engaged." Trunks finished for her. Pan let her head drop into her hands shaking from side to side. Willing herself not to let the tears fall. This was it, the formal announcement. This was the turning point of Pan's life. And Trunks'. And…hers. This was the beginning of the end.
It was true. And hearing it phrased that way only made her want to blow up the world. They were 'going to get married'. She upturned her face into a frown, glad her hands were covering it. They were 'engaged'. She rolled her eyes, glad that the mocking was easing some of the blow. At least now she could remove her hands. At least now she could smile like she'd planned to when she first walked in the door.
She became aware that Trunks was staring at her intently, as well as Vegita, and her parents. Hell, the majority of the room. She was the only one that hadn't cheered when they said it (besides Vegita). She was the only one that didn't look pleased now. No, that wasn't true. Goten was working hard at stuffing a hamburger in his mouth, his cheeks were pale but she couldn't say that he looked very different.
They probably just thought she was shocked, and as she pulled her head out of her hands, they could see she wasn't crying. So most of their gazes averted. But Trunks' didn't. He knew she wasn't shocked. He'd told her first. The very first person to know. And Vegita, he was still looking, from his brat back to Pan. Disappointment and disapproval in his eyes. What was that about?
Pan didn't even give herself time to consider. Trunks was walking over to her and all she wanted to do was get out of there. She didn't want to talk to him. She bit her bottom lip and looked for an escape route. She turned, attempting to walk to her mother, but Trunks was already there and he caught the tip of her elbow.
"Are you doing okay, Panny?" He asked, a gentle tone to his voice, curiously concerned.
"I'm fine Boxer-boy." She spoke playfully, giving him her best impression of a 'happy' smile. He didn't buy. He knew her better than she knew herself…most of the time. He didn't know she was madly in love with him. Well…if he did know then he adamantly denied it in his head. He didn't know that her heart was broken because of him. And that yesterday he'd changed her forever. She wasn't Panny anymore. She wasn't the same little girl she had been. She'd gotten her first real dose of reality and she didn't like it one bit.
"Really? Cause Goten said that you weren't feeling well yesterday when he stopped by to visit." Damn Goten. Telling on her. Just because she'd locked herself in her room yesterday and refused to see anyone. Just because he was usually the one she ran to when her heart was broken. Now he had to go and tell her problem that there was a problem.
"Yeah. I was a little….under the weather. But…You know, I don't feel that well still. I really should be going." She pulled her arm from him and turned around, making determined steps to her mother.
"But Pan…" He let his voice die down. Realizing that she wasn't going to change her mind. But he was going to find out what was bothering her. Sooner or later. She couldn't run forever.
"Oh, Trunks. Congratulations. I know you and Maz will be really happy together." She had to roll her eyes to the top of her head, keeping the tears planted there. For now at least. Freezing them to the top of her head so that when she stepped outside they could fall. Her throat was choking as she squeezed the words out. But she forced herself to continue anyway. "You deserve the best." It was softer, but just the same she knew he'd heard it. Knew he'd understand it, even if his conscious mind wasn't willing to accept the real meaning behind it. Her mouth had said 'you deserve the best' but what it had meant was, 'you deserver better'. Dende, why couldn't he see that no one would ever love him more than she did?
"Thanks Panny. Maz is the best, you know." Yeah, there he was, doing what she thought he would. Rejecting what she'd said to him, pretending she hadn't meant it the way she'd meant it. She only nodded and walked over to her mother.
"Can you hand me the capsule to my car? I know you have it." She shot out as quickly as possible, she didn't want to break down in here.
"You're not leaving yet, Pan." Her mother stated without looking at her.
"Yes. I am." She was being terse without meaning to be.
"Well then, you'll have to fly. I don't want you to leave yet." Her mother had this 'I'm-really-pissed-at-you' look on her face. But Pan didn't care.
"Fine." She shrugged and walked past the 'big room' and out the door. Not bothering to make excuses. Trunks knew she was leaving. Deep down he knew why. That's all that counted.
That and the fact that he was marrying Marron. Her worse nightmare come true. One of her best friends and childhood playmates. One she thought would never stab her in the back. Of course, the girl didn't know she was screwing Pan. The girl didn't know Pan loved her fiancé more than she ever could. The girl didn't know Pan would cry herself to sleep for the rest of her life because of it. So she couldn't really be blamed. It wasn't her fault she was beautiful and Trunks found her irresistible. Pan would just have to learn how to smile. Even though she was dying.
A/N: I hope you don't hate the first chapter too much. Stick with me. Reply, let me know what you think (I have to request constructive criticism only, not outright flames. And if you do flame me I will use it to roast marshmallows, just warning ya). I'm going to update on Saturdays and Wednesdays as a plan, but I can't promise (and I'm not updating this Saturday…cause it's Friday right now and…just no…). But come back again when I do update, please! Even if you don't comment (though I wish you would -begs-) ^-^