-000-
Ahsoka's Song
Ahsoka couldn't remember what it was like to not be afraid to go to sleep. As a Jedi, she was taught to control her fears, to overcome them, but being so far away from the other Jedi and the temple on coruscant had proved to be much harder than she previously thought. When she wasn't working, she would still mediate and try to connect with the others through the force but she felt as though something was pushing back, preventing her from doing so.
Maybe it's my fear, she thought. With it being the path to the dark side and all. Maybe in my two years of almost nonexistent use of the force I somehow forgot how to use it.
Those were the thoughts that plagued her as she tried to fight the sleep that would eventually overtake her.
This was not the first night she stayed up for hours, fighting sleep. No matter how much she tried to focus on anything other than the shocking pain that seemed to live in her chest, her mind always came back to it. It was like a maelstrom of all the emotions that she had been taught all her life to avoid.
As the former padawan drifted off, into what she knew would be painfully restless sleep, she wondered what concoction of horror her mind could have possibly created for her slumber.
-000-
She awoke screaming, feeling only the fringes of the fear that gripped her so tightly, slowly recognizing her surroundings as home. She hopped out of bed and to the bathroom to splash some water in her face. After reassuring herself that she was still awake and still alive, she tried to sink back into her bed but decided that she had enough sleep for one night.
Well, I don't have to get ready for work for another few hours so I should probably use this time for a little meditation.
She sat in the middle of the floor and took a cross-legged position with her hands resting on her knees.
Breath in and out slowly, she reminded herself. Focus on the pace of your breath.
Doing this helped for awhile but her inexperience proved to be her downfall. She began to meditate on thoughts she'd been taught her whole life to avoid. They began to consume her and before she knew it she began to let them control her.
She came back to her physical body with a start, gasping and opening her eyes wide in shock at the realization of what had happened to her.
She was letting the dark side take over. It began in the small things like how much she missed Anakin or Rex or the Jedi at the temple, but those small things had become large enough to become her only focus sometimes.
She didn't want to be controlled by her emotions, though that was always the easiest, she knew only bad could become of it. This was her life everyday, she couldn't help but wonder if her former master ever thought about her. She couldn't help but imagine what threats Rex and the rest of the 501st were facing without her. She would give anything just to spend the day with Barris.
Barris, she thought. I never thought that she was capable or willing be so deceitful.
Of all the things that hurt Ahsoka, of all the people she thought were her friends, Barris was one of the ones she thought could do no wrong.
She tore her mind away from such painful thoughts.
These are the things that will destroy me. I have to focus, think with my mind instead of my heart.
She tried meditating again but this time with a fierce determination to not let the darkness take control. As soon as she closed her eyes, she felt herself slip out of reality altogether.
-000-
When she opened her eyes she found herself in a world that wasn't her own. This world was so beautiful. The air tasted so sweet, the colors were so bold, even the grass was a shade of blue that made her feel so calm. She felt as though she were in a holovid, but it looked so real, so majestic.
Not too far off in the distance were her friends. Anakin and Padmé sat under a tree, leaning on one another. They each were dressed in different clothes than what she usually saw them in. They seemed so relaxed and content.
Rex was there too, dressed also in mellow clothing. Instead of the twin blasters Ahsoka usually saw in his hands, there was a pencil and a sketchpad. He was drawing with such concentration that Ahsoka wondered if he knew there was a world around him.
Even Barris was there. She wore her normal cloak except it was a stark white just like the rest of their outfits. She was using the force to connect with the plants and small critters around her as each one made her smile.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Ahsoka spun around to Lux Bonteri standing next to her. He wore simple white clothes too, but his hands were stuffed in his pockets.
"Uh, yeah." Ahsoka replied.
"Does this sight not bring you joy?" He asked inquisitively.
"Its plenty happy, but..." Ahsoka trailed off.
"But what Ahsoka?"
Ahsoka paused before responding. "But there's something that doesn't feel right about it."
Lux nodded understandingly. "Perhaps that is only your point of view. Perhaps you've been so consumed with trying to win a war that isn't yours for so long, you've forgotten what peace feels like." Without waiting for Ahsoka to processes what he said, he walked over to her friends.
Ahsoka was about to follow him but something stopped her. She couldn't tell what was bothering her about the situation but she couldn't follow Lux.
When he noticed she wasn't following him, he put his hand out to her in a welcoming sort of way.
She had never wanted to follow her natural instincts more than she did in that moment in time.
"What's wrong Ahsoka?"
"This isn't real!"
As soon as the words left her mouth, Rex and Barris snapped their heads up at her head up at her.
"None of this is real!"
Now Anakin and Padmé were looking at her too.
"You're not real!" She took a step back.
Lux Bonteri's friendly face morphed into one snarling and full of rage. The skies darkened to a deep blood red. The wind began blowing hard and cold against her. Lux Bonteri's voice took on an other-worldly quality.
"Oh dear Ahsoka, you could have been happy," his voice dripped with malicious intent. "Instead, you chose to be smart and see through our little lie."
Our? Ahsoka thought.
Before she could utter a word, all of the reality around her closed in on itself into nothingness.
-000-
When reality straightened itself out, she found herself at the top of one of the tallest buildings on Coruscant. She was standing at the edge and looking down to a void of nothingness. Her toes hung over the edge. She tried to move away but found that she had no control over her own body.
"Terrifying, isn't it?" A raspy, otherworldly voice said.
Clearly terrified, Ahsoka asked in a fearful and stuttering voice: "Who are you? W-w-what do you want from me?"
The voice laughed. "That's cute, you think I want something from you." With that, someone grabbed her Montral's and pulled her head back so that she was looking up into the sky.
Ahsoka yelped in pain but it was nothing compared to what the person did next. The person who she assumed was the voice, grabbed her by the throat and started to squeeze.
Ahsoka did her best to break free but there was nothing she could do, no move she could make to break free.
"Oh Ahsoka! Doesn't this feel so good?" The voice moaned and laughed. The voice shoved her head back forward and let go of her neck.
Ahsoka began a fit of coughing and inhaling painfully.
"Oh yeah, that's the stuff."
Ahsoka tried to turn around again but she was still restricted in her movement. "Who are you!" She screamed.
"Isn't it obvious darling?" The voice roughly grabbed Ahsoka's head and turned toward herself. "Surprise! It's me!'
Ahsoka looked at what appeared to be a version of herself red skin. The dark Ahsoka had black lekku with red stripes. The dark Ahsoka whipped her head back to its original position
"I-I don't understand, what's happening?"
"Well, look at who's not so smart now!" The dark Ahsoka cackled sinisterly. "I guess I have to lay this one out for you. The first time you feel hurt or pain of some sort, I am born. I am the fear you create. The more pain you feel, the stronger I get. If you haven't noticed, you've been hurting a lot lately and it's almost making me strong enough to take over completely. Our little scene will only be the last little bit that will take you over the edge so think of it as nudge in the wrong direction." She cackled again.
"If you're a part of me, the you are under my control." Ahsoka tried.
"Yup."
"Wait, what?" Ahsoka didn't expect that response.
"I am you Ahsoka, you control me because this is what you want. You want to jump off of this building and die, don't you?"
Ahsoka hated to admit it, but she was sick of dealing with her loneliness. This seemed like the easiest, simplest way to solve her problems. She could feel the abyss glowering at her. She could feel it almost calling to her. She felt drawn toward it.
She started to slip her toes over the edge, then her foot, but just before she made the worst mistake of her life, she paused. Her former masters words catching up to her.
I understand wanting to leave the order….
Why did these echo to her? Why did she think of these?
"Whats wrong? You got cold feet?" The dark Ahsoka walked up behind her. "Here, let me give you a nudge in the wrong direction." She began to push Ahsoka ever so slightly into the void.
"No!" She brought her foot back up onto the ledge. "I'm not quitting." She was able to turn around. "I won't let my darkness win!" She looked up into the eyes if her evil doppelganger.
The dark Ahsoka eyes were filled with fear as she backed away from the former padawan. "That's not possible! You should be too weak to break free!"
Ahsoka laughed at this. "I am not weak! I will destroy you evil one!" With that, Ahsoka charged the defenseless Togrunta.
Just before she made contact, she awoke sweat-drenched and lying on the floor. She looked all around for the dark Ahsoka, but she couldn't find her evil twin anywhere.
Ahsoka was afraid. I'm I really willing to commit suicide? Am I that broken?
She could feel the dark Ahsoka's presence in her mind, in her soul. She would be back, probably with a vengeance.
She smiled quietly because she knew she had won the battle and she had an insatiable hunger to dominate the war.
For me, that was kind of dark. I hope you all enjoyed that. In case you didn't know, I got the title from Blink-182. Their album Enema of the state has a song named Adam's Song and it's about Mark Hoppus being lonely after their tours because the other two band members had girlfriends at the time but he had no one to come home to.Read and Review.