Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, NBC and Dick Wolf do.
I wrote this response to Rae's story because I am all about a good angst-y plot but if you were looking for a good "physical" happy ending, I am just not sure I can write those just yet. Besides, who could possibly do better at writing a good love scene than Rae and there was no way I was going to even try to follow in her footsteps. Hope you enjoy it anyway.
My eyes blink open and I wonder if I have been asleep at all. It seemed like, if only for a moment, my mind stopped thinking and it was bliss. But my eyes are wide open now and here I am.. alone again.
Was it a dream, her being here? In those few minutes of rest, did my mind imagine her? I inhale and my body aches with the scent of her still on my clothes, on my hand. No, it wasn't a dream. It was real. She was here and I sent her away. Unable… unwilling to let her in again, I close my eyes and imagine it was a dream. God please let it be a dream.
I finally stumble off the couch and into the shower. Determined to go to work and erase all thoughts of her. My job saved me from the pain of losing her the first time, it has to again. Doesn't it?
I hear her repeat, "I love you. Truly. I'm not going to let you go so easily, Olivia," play over and over in my head until I almost scream from the pain in my ears. Please, please.. let this be a dream.
I walk through my day talking to Elliott, talking to suspects, talking to anyone that will listen so I don't have to hear her honey voice tell me that she loves me. I am starting to crack, the walls I built when I saw her engagement announcement, want to crumble but I won't let them fall. I won't be trapped by her memory any more. That's all she is to me now.. a memory. I swear she's just a memory.
At the end of my day, I am alone again in my apartment and the silence is deafening. I sit heavily on the couch and sigh into the cushions. I grab the hair at the back of my head and stare at my ceiling. I close my eyes, hoping for a moment of peace, a moment of dark silence, when images of her holding my hair just like this flash before my eyes. I can hear her moan. I can almost feel her moving against my body. I feel the warm tears begin to escape my eyes and I want to cry out. I want to burst. Why? Why did she come back? After all this time, why? "I love you. Truly. I'm not going to let you go so easily, Olivia."
I cry myself to sleep and find myself still on the couch in the early morning, curled up in a protective ball. I ache from the position, from the pain deep inside my chest. I sigh, resigned to start my day with the ache of her visit still fresh within me.
I am just about to leave when I hear a knock on my door. I look out the peephole and then hear, "Hey, partner. Open up. It's me." I shake my head lightly and open the door and Elliott steps inside.
"You OK? Didn't you know it was me?"
"Sorry." I say. "I forgot you were picking me up this morning."
He studies me. "Is that what you are wearing to court? I mean, you always look great but jeans? That isn't like you on court days."
"You're right." I look down and see what he is referring to. I didn't even know what I had chosen to wear. "Just give me a minute to change."
He stops me with a slight touch to my forearm. "Liv. Is everything OK? You don't seem like yourself these couple of days."
"Don't I?"
He clenches his jaw and sees my weak attempt at deflecting him. "Come on. Don't pull that crap on me. I know something's wrong. What is it?"
"She was here. She came to see me," I lower my head and finish the sentence almost on a whisper.
"Who?"
A moment of knowing silence passes between us.
"When did Alex come by?" He stares at me intently and I want to look anywhere but his knowing face.
"The night before last," I say and I stare at a spot just past his shoulder.
"What did she say?" He moves his head to regain my focus.
"That she was sorry. So sorry for staying away. That she was scared and…" I can barely breathe. I feel my chest start to burn and my eyes start to sting.
"Liv. Liv breathe. Sit down," Elliott grabs my elbow and guides me to the sofa.
"And that she thought I didn't need her. Can you believe that, El? Can you believe that she could ever think… that?" I am nearly hyper-ventilating now. The room is starting to fade a little as I gasp for air.
"Take deep breaths, Liv. Please. Relax. Deep breaths." He mimics what he needs me to do, as he leans me forward into his chest. It is comforting to me and the gates holding my soul closed are released and I begin weep.
He holds me and says nothing. Not because he doesn't know what to say but because he wants me to let go, without judgment, without blame. He holds me until I grow silent. I pull away from his chest.
"She said she loves me. She still loves me and won't let me go so easily," I tell him through a hiccup.
He asks the next question with a tilt of his head, as if he is afraid to say it out loud.
"I sent her away. I used her, then sent her away."
He nods, not saying anything, just gently holding me with his expression. I know what he is thinking, though. I can almost hear his thoughts. He watched me struggle after she left. He watched me wait for her. He understands but…
"We should go," I say and struggle to stand up gracefully. I can't listen to the silence between us anymore.
"Liv…"
"Don't. I'm OK. We have to go. We can't miss court; Casey will kill us. I'll splash my face with some water and change. Be right back." I can feel him watching me as I walk away.
The car ride is silent and I see him checking on me every few minutes. He wants to say more. He needs to tell me something. I can't hear it, though. Not now. Not when I feel my resolve to stay away return.
"El, I'm fine." I know I have cut him off from speaking, so I look over and give him a small smile. "I'm OK. Really."
He gives me the slightest hint of a smile and turns his head back to face the traffic. I can feel his disappointment.
Court is a good distraction. The constant grandstanding of the lawyers is a welcome relief to my busy mind and once I am on the stand, I can hear no one else but Casey. I almost wish it would last forever.
After my testimony, I step outside to answer a call from the precinct. Munch and Fin caught a case related to one Elliott and I had some time ago and needed some information. Before I return to the courtroom, I make a quick trip to the ladies room. Just as I am washing up, I hear the door creak open and see a familiar figure.
Is she real? Is it really, Alex, or is she the vision I so desperately need to be a dream?
"Hi," she says. It is faint and unsure.
"Hi," I choke out in surprise.
"Elliott said you were in here."
I stare at her. I don't even know what to say. Why would he tell her? Couldn't he see that I didn't need her? Couldn't he see how much she hurt me? Why? Why did you tell her, El? I roll my eyes up in the silent question.
"Don't be mad at him. Be mad at me. I asked if you were with him, already knowing the answer because I looked at the docket," she said quietly, seeing the fire that flashed in my eyes for his admission.
"He didn't have to tell you," I grind out.
"He didn't really need to. There are few places to hide here."
"I wasn't hiding." I sigh in frustration. "What do you want from me, Alex? Please. I can't. I can't do this."
"I want you, Olivia. I have always just wanted you." She finishes the sentence softly but moves quickly into her next statement before I launch into my attack. "I know I don't deserve you. I know that I hurt you beyond measure but I love you. And I know you still love me."
My heart stops. How does she know? Was it the way I claimed her with my fingers the other night? Was it the way I treated her with everything but reverence?
"How? How do you know?" I realize that I am practically shouting and my words echo in the bathroom.
"Because you don't look like you've slept much lately, either. Because when I look at you, I see the pain of the last four years reflected back at me. I see into the deepest part of you, Olivia. Remember? We have always been able to do that for each other. We have always walked together in our relationship with eyes wide open and I don't care how much time or distance has passed, that doesn't change. That connection doesn't change. That is what I learned by this whole farce of an engagement. That is what I knew in the deepest part of my heart when Robert slipped that ring on my finger; that I loved you and only you. "
Her last word rang out in the bathroom for a moment after she said it. I swallowed hard and looked at the ground for a moment. I couldn't look at her because I knew she was right. Her words about our lives before now stung in their truthfulness. I heard her step forward and take a deep, shaky breath to speak again. Her words began more softly this time.
"When I came back, I did tell myself that I was scared that you had moved on and didn't need me anymore but what I realized after Robert asked me to marry him was that I was wrong. These feelings, this pseudo happy life I had, was because of my fear. It was because I was afraid to live with my eyes open again. I had closed them while I was in the program, scared to look at anyone in case they were the next in line to kill me. Once I realized I didn't have to live this way anymore, that I wouldn't live this way anymore, I resolved to come back to you…. if you would have me."
That last line is a whisper, only audible because the tile carried it to my ears. I finally look up as she bows her head. I see her face contort as she begins to cry. I can't believe her, can I?
"Alex. I'm sorry," I whisper back. My throat aches with the need to release my tears but I don't.
"I understand." She looks up but doesn't face me. She turns almost immediately and steps back to the door. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Olivia," she says quietly as she reaches for the handle.
Before I know it, I am moving forward to touch her arm. She stops, almost freezes from the contact. She looks into my eyes and furrows her brow in a question.
"I'm sorry. I.. I can't explain it.. " I stand there, speechless for a moment. Looking into her wounded eyes, searching for what, I don't know. I begin again thinking I am going to tell her to give up but instead I hear myself say, "I can't let you leave again."
She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out.
We stare at each other for long moments, searching the other's face for what is real. I remove her arm from the door and turn her to face me. I step into her space and kiss her tenderly. I raise my hand and gently caress her cheek. "I'm sorry if I hurt you the other night."
"You didn't."
My eyes finally spill the contents that they can no longer hold. "I love you," I say in a whisper, still trying to decide if I am angry at my heart's betrayal. I wanted to sustain my suffering; my heart wanted her back.
"I love you, too, Olivia. I'm so sor…" she starts to stammer out but I stop her with a kiss and rest my forehead on hers and we breathe together for the first time in years.
She is the first to pull away and smiles softly as she wipes my tears away. Her fingers are warm and comforting on my skin. She takes a shallow breath and says, "Let me take you home. The trial will be in recess after this last witness anyway. We have a lot to talk about."
"OK," I say and give her the lopsided grin that she always said melted her heart.
She smiles at me and then looks down, gently taking my hand in hers. She turns and opens the door and looks back at me as if to ask, "Are you ready?" I give her a smile and we walk out into the hallway, hand in hand. She stops when she sees Elliott and I am sure she will release me but she doesn't. I look down at our hands and then to Elliott. He smiles and waves and then turns to walk away. She squeezes my hand and we walk again; eyes wide open for what lies ahead.