Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.
Electronic Godzilla
"Garcia, I can't seem to get into the computer system, can you help me?" Rossi asked, standing in the doorway of the tech's office.
"Sorry Agent Rossi, I can't help you," she told him, not bothering to turn away from her many computer monitors.
Dave was confused, usually Garcia loved helping the team members fix their computing problems because not only did she get to show off her, as she called them, 'mad computing skills,' it also allowed her to mock their technological ineptitudes. "Why can't you give me a hand? I really need to get into the system."
"I can't help you because I'm the one who locked you out," she said calmly, still typing away and watching her screens.
"What? Why?" Dave asked, confused.
"Because I heard what you said about me this afternoon," she told him as she felt some of her calm veneer slip away. "By the way, you'll probably be receiving thank you letters from the National Organization for Women and the American Civil Liberties Union for your generous donations."
"What? Donations I made to NOW and the ACLU? When did-" he stopped abruptly when he realized that the woman sitting before him must have hacked into his accounts and was obviously making donations on his behalf in order to punish him for wronging her. "What did I say?" he asked her, frantically searching his memory for anything he might have said that could have offended the quirky woman.
Half-turning in her seat, she tried to refresh his memory. "It was right after you, Derek and I spoke while you were on the jet this afternoon. Remember, I had to pass along a message to Derek from Strauss? You guys had closed the laptop and mistakenly thought that our connection had been severed. Now do you remember what you said?"
Blowing out a frustrated breath, Rossi somewhat snapped at the tech, "I have no idea what you're talking about Garcia, but-"
She interrupted him, "You don't remember!" She said indignantly as she fully turned to look at him. Without a backwards glance at her keyboard, she hit the enter key forcefully. Dave nervously wondered how much of his fortune was given away in that single keystroke.
"What did you just do?" He asked her, not as confidently this time.
"I just sent ex-wife number two a letter from your email account. You'll be interested to know that you're extremely sorry for the failure of your marriage and you would like another chance to make it up to her," Penelope said, enjoying the look of horror that crossed over the senior profiler's face.
Dave scoured his memory banks to figure out what he had done to piss the technological demon off so badly and he still couldn't come up with anything, but he knew damage control needed to be done and it needed to be done quickly. "Whatever I said, I'm sorry Garcia!"
"Not good enough!" She screeched, hitting the enter key again.
"What was that?" He nearly whispered, afraid to know how the tech had just fucked with his life.
"That was an email to ex-wife number three. It details the bedroom inadequacies that have sprung up, pardon the pun, since your divorce and it also begs for reconciliation."
"Sweet Jesus," Dave said, stunned.
"If that's the worst thing you have to deal with today, consider yourself lucky," Garcia told him as she stood, so they were on more of an even level. She had an extremely satisfied look on her face, which pissed Rossi off even more.
"What else have you done?" He asked her through clenched teeth, anger evident in his voice.
"Ah ah, temper, temper Agent Rossi," she warned, wagging her finger, "Let's see if you can ask me that a little more nicely. You don't want me to hit the enter key again, do you?"
Rossi took a deep breath and harnessed his anger and frustration, "What I meant to say was, please tell me what else you've done today Garcia."
She thought for a minute, "That was a little better," she told him, moving her finger away from the button. "As for my activities today, well let's see; at first I started out small and I just locked you out of the FBI computer system and blocked you from all of your research databases and any other online sites you use that needs a password."
Dave mentally groaned; the due date for his latest manuscript was quickly approaching and he had some last minute research and fact checking he needed to finish. It was going to be exponentially harder to do that without his beloved databases.
"Then, once the hurt turned to anger, I hacked into your bank accounts and made a few donations in your name. Along with some local charities, NOW and the ACLU, I might have also made some donations to ACORN, PETA and Greenpeace…you know, those lefty charities you love so much." Garcia smiled when she saw the horrified and somewhat disgusted look on his face. "You'll be happy to know that you've also arranged for catered lunches for the entire BAU staff for the next twenty Fridays. After that, I got bored playing with your money, so I decided to visit some of our favorite government watch-lists. All I'll say is that it's a good thing that the BAU has its own jet, because you may have some trouble flying commercially in the near future."
"Jesus Garcia, just tell me what I said so I can atone already," Dave moaned.
"You wanna know what you said, Mr. 'greatest criminal profiling mind of a generation'?" Penelope screeched, her anger bubbling back up to the surface. "You wanna know how you brought this electronic shit storm down upon yourself?" Dave nodded, so the irate tech continued, "You called me an 'Electronic Godzilla!'" She emphasized her ire by slamming her hand down on the enter button.
"Do I want to know what you just did?" Dave asked hesitantly.
"Let's just say you're going to want to call the credit bureaus on Monday."
"God DAMMIT Penelope!" He roared angrily.
"HEY, remember our little discussion about your temper?" She asked him loudly. "Trust me, you do NOT want me to hit enter on this one."
"Why, what else can you do to me?" He yelled, frustrated. Once the jet had hit the ground, he had been looking forward to escaping to his hunting cabin with his laptop. He had planned to finally finish his manuscript over the upcoming weekend, but his plans had turned to shit because of one deranged woman.
"I can add you to the National Registered Sex Offender Database," she said lethally and then smiled when she saw the older man pale. "As we both know, once someone gets on that thing, they never come off, even after death."
Oh, Dave knew all right, he knew because he was instrumental in setting up the database and he had worked with the woman currently threatening his livelihood in setting up the parameters so it was impossible to get off of it. "Easy Penelope, let's not do something we'll both regret," he said calmly, holding his hands in front of him. His anger had turned back into fear, and he was approaching her in a way that was similar to someone approaching a spooked horse.
"See, that's the thing, I don't think I'll regret it," she told him, her index finger hovering above the keyboard.
"Penelope, when I called you an Electronic Godzilla, I meant it as a compliment," he told her, his eyes on her hand the entire time.
"COMPLIMENT?" She screeched loud enough to make his fillings rattle, "You expect me to believe it was a compliment? If that's your idea of a compliment, I now know why all three of your marriages failed!"
Dave watched as her finger dropped dangerously close to the keyboard and he decided to lay all of his cards on the table. "Yes, it was a compliment! Look Garcia, when I think about the havoc you can wreak on our unsubs and our adversaries, I get a mental image of Godzilla roaming around the cyber world. That's a good thing, Garcia!" He yelled as an indignant look came over her face and she looked at the keyboard menacingly.
"Penelope, you do things in this lair that I can't even imagine! The way you're able to get us information in a matter of seconds, the way you're able to narrow down suspect lists, the way you're able to track unsubs to a pinpoint location…well, it all just boggles my mind! I can barely turn on my laptop for Christ's sake, yet you're able to do all of this without breaking a sweat!" Dave was happy to see that Garcia had moved her hand away from the keyboard, so he decided to keep going with his explanation.
"Everyone thinks I'm the most powerful person on our team, hell, probably one of the most powerful people in the FBI, but I'm not, you are! When someone pisses you off, you're able to plod through their electronic life, creating chaos wherever you want to and that's why I called you the Electronic Godzilla. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have equated you to a monster; I should have compared you to a superhero. 'Electronic Superwoman' is much more of an apt description of you and your capabilities. Honestly Garcia, this team could make it without me or Hotch, or any of us, but we will always need you and your electronic prowess."
By the end of the speech, Garcia's anger had all but melted and she had tears in her eyes, "Really, you see me as an Electronic Superwoman?" She whispered.
"I do," Dave said as he took a tentative step into her office. When he saw that her hand didn't move closer to the keyboard, he walked over to the technological terror and hesitantly gave her a hug. He was relieved when her hand moved completely away from the keyboard and she returned the hug.
"Thank you sir," she whispered. They stayed like that for a moment and then broke apart.
"Are we good?" He asked as he moved back to his position in the doorway.
She nodded, "All is forgiven, and for the record, this team couldn't make it without you."
"Aw, thanks Garcia," he said, blushing a little at the affection she had shown him. "Now, can you help me get my life back in order?"
Penelope thought for a minute; it would take her all of ten minutes to undo what had been done, but while she had forgiven him for what she said, a small part of her wanted to see him suffer for his careless words. She shook her head, "Sorry sir, I said all was forgiven, but all is not forgotten. Have fun trying to sort this out all weekend," she said and then gave him a sweet smile before closing the door on his stunned face.