Love, Recognized As Love
My eyes flutter open, I see him there, sleeping peacefully in a chair planted at my bedside. His eyes closed ever so lightly, the long dark lashes brushing his cheek in a loving caress. Soft, perfectly shaped lips parted slightly, a gentle snore escaping through. Head cocked to the side resting against the wall, his hair a mess from the angle he is sleeping at. I feel the strong urge to reach up and run my fingers through his thin blond hair. Pulling my eyes away from it they stop on his torso. His arms closed around his chest in a relaxed manner. Moving further down his legs are crossed, one over the other and turned sideways in the chair so that his entire body is facing me.
My feelings for this man running away with me, I work to pull my eyes from him and allow them to wonder around the bright white colored room in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I lift up a bit as it all comes back to me. The fight, bright flashes, shouts of spells, then the white hot sensation as Bellatrix hit me with a spell…SIRIUS The name shoots though my head, I saw him get hit but not what happened. Heart pounding, I work to control it, knowing that it's not good for my condition. My head falls back to the pillow as I convince myself he is alright. Probably in another room, I'll see him soon. My head turns to the side, eyes falling yet again on the sleeping face of Remus Lupin. I watch him sleeping for a while, the soft snores calming me as my breathing slows and I fall back asleep myself.
I awake again later, unsure of the time that has passed, but pleased to see a fully awake and alert man sitting next to me, "Hi," I murmur hoarsely.
"Hello, Nympha…" he breaks off, as I am sure my hair has turned from its bubble gum pick color to a dark red at even the first few syllables of my given name. "Tonks."
My temper simmers down just as fast as it spiked, surprised greatly in his correction but deciding its only because he doesn't want me too worked up. "Thank you." I mutter, "How long have I been here?"
"Only a few days, you still have a good while before you can recover fully, but you seem to be coming along well," Remus speaks in a low, careful tone. His eyes seem to be searching my face. I assume to assure that I am truly alright.
Makes a slight waving gesture with my hand, "I'm not worried about my own condition, Remus, how is Sirius?" I ask eagerly then watch in horror as his face falls. I expect a 'not well' or a 'barely hanging on' but nothing could have prepared me for the next phrase that would come from his lips.
"Sirius is dead," once the words are out in barely a breath, I search Remus' face. Eyes stinging as they fill with tears. Dead? He couldn't be. My tears refuse to come as I look into his anguishing eyes. To him Sirius was closer to family than he was to me. I barely knew him. My hurt, I soon found was for him not for myself or for Sirius for that matter. After years of believing his friend a traitor, he had learned the truth only to lose him again. I feel anger welling up inside me, first James, now Sirius. This wonderful, caring, man has lost his two best friends to Voldimort and his accursed death eaters. I find myself hoping that I personally am there to see Harry Potter bring him down knowing that time is coming.
Reaching out grabbing his hand, I am greatly surprised when he doesn't pull it away, "I…I'm…" a solitary tear falls from my eye rolling slowly down. I cough, my voice gravely and cracked from days without use. "I'm so…" I wanted to say I was sorry but Remus stops me.
He shakes his head quickly almost jerking it from side to side, and pats my hand with his other, "shhh, don't exhort yourself. I'm sorry for your loss." I look into his deep brown eyes before they drop to our hands, away from my gaze.
Taken aback by his words I watch him for a few minutes before speaking softly and carefully, "Remus, look at me," I croak, waiting as his head slowly lifts and his eyes, his sad, pain filled eyes meet mine, "he was your friend. I hardly knew him. Those words should come from me, not you." His only reply is silence, so we sit there, the dead quiet of the room almost eary feeling. Leaving me with only the sound of my thoughts, and even more so the screaming of my feelings for this broken man. Broken in more ways than one and I want so much to do everything possible to fix him.
Oh how I want to comfort this man, who is obviously in so much pain over the loss of a close friend. I wish for the courage to tell him, to explain how I feel. How do you tell someone something you can not form into words? I draw my lip in between my teeth, chewing on it slowly as I study the man that has become my reason, my solid rock. This man keeps me grounded how can I help but want to do the same for him? He is the one and only man who has ever effected me the way he does and he does not even see it.
After a while in the silence, his head lifts slowly to look at me. I force a smile, and stuff it full of reassurance, and to my surprise he almost returns the smile, "I'm sure the others will be delighted to see that you are awake." The slight smile plastered on his face does not mask the pain in his eyes as he stands up releasing my hand and striding to the door, "I'll be back after a while." I simply nod, wondering why he is being so attentive. I convince myself that it is merely my relation to Sirius, his friend, his dear but dreadfully, dead friend. I watch him as he exits, his body dragging as if a heavy weight is holding him down.
A slow, longing sigh escaping after he has left. I lay back on the pillows and study the ceiling intently, finding Remus' face in the small black dots in the ceiling tile and shakes it away closing my eyes tightly to push all thoughts of him away. It can never be, I tell myself over and over again but never does my heart listen. It sees a man, in pain and in need of love, a love that I have and am exceedingly willing to give.
A love it seems he needs, but clearly would not want. I am a young fool in love. I do not know how or when it happened. It just did. One day he is infuriating me with his use of my given name, but the next…shakes my head hard, no I won't dwell on it. I push all thoughts aside as I hear the door to my left opening and I turn my head to see Molly entering followed by what looks like the entire Weasley crew, along with Harry and Hermione.
"Hello, Dear, how are you feeling?" Molly Weasley's bright mane of curly, red hair comes into view and I work to focus on her face giving her the best smile I can manage. Still feeling the effects of what Remus has just reveled to me.
"I'm alright, Molly. How are the kids?" I look around her at Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny.
Molly looks back quickly at them, then turns back to me, "they are perfectly fine, Dear. You're not to worry." She quickly shoos them out of the room after they each greet me in turn. After the younger ones have left Fred and George approach.
"Hiya, Tonks," Fred grins down at me.
"Listen, Tonks, you've gotta get over to the Burrow soon," George talks in a low voice glancing up to see if his mother listening or not.
Fred cuts in, "yeah we've been home for a bit ya know. Just spending some time with the family."
George takes over, "and well mum's…"
"A bit -looser- with you around," Fred finishes.
I laugh, I've always liked these two. Probably because I was much like them and in ways I still am, "I'll see what I can do."
They both grin at me, their mother grabbing their arms and pulling them towards the door, "Oh hey!" Fred calls.
George takes over his sentence, "anything you want at the shop, it's yours just give me…"
"Or me, a call!" Fred grins as they both are ushered out.
I can't help but grin at the copper haired twins. Always a joy to be around. Now left alone with Molly and her husband Arthur, I address Arthur, "how is the ministry taking it?"
"Not well I'm afraid. There are some changes being made. I'll keep you up to date once I know more," he runs a hand through his hair and turns to Molly, "I have to get down to the ministry and see what I can help with. Will you be alright with the children?"
Molly simply nods and gives her husband a quick kiss, before moving to sit beside my bed, in the chair that was once occupied by one still planted deep in my thoughts.
"What is it, Dear?" Her softly spoken question breaks through my wondering thoughts, I look up at her silently unsure of what to say. "Something is bothering you. Is it Sirius?" Molly's ever pressing gaze is upon me, probing.
I shake my head slowly, "I'm fine really, Molly. While Sirius' death was tragic and I will miss him, I hardly knew him." Not ready to tell her what is really bothering me I settle for telling her what is not bothering me and hope she takes the bait.
"I know, I am sorry you didn't get the chance to know him better. A good man he was. I am just worried about how Remus is taking it. The poor man lost his last remaining childhood friend." Molly shakes her head sadly as she pats my hand, "now there's another good man, Remus Lupin. He'll make someone a mighty fine husband if he'll ever open up enough."
I quickly look away at her words. Of course I agree whole heartedly, but the -someone- part I don't like. Me, he'd make -me- a fine husband. I can not bare to think of him any other way. Him with another woman, loving another, it is completely selfish of me I know. I would of course be happy for him, happy he is happy so to speak but truthfully the strongest Cruciatus Curse would pale in comparison to the pain that would bring. Even the thought is unbearable. I wonder at how fast I have fallen for this man, and I decide to tell him as soon as I am out of here.
Of course I can't tell him while I am here. He might pretend to return my feelings out of pity and that would be even worse than his marrying another. Which my mind is obviously trying to run away with me again. Remus, I know has no intention of marrying anyone any time soon.