Have you ever had your whole life ripped away from you in a second? Have you ever had someone that meant more to you than anything else in the universe taken away in a single heartbeat? Have you ever had an entire mindset, a complete idea of who you are and what you stand for, completely distorted and destroyed with one sentence? It's hell, trust me.
I am not a Jedi. Not anymore. Arianne Bell was, and she was one of the finest Jedi I've ever seen. And yes, Arianne Bell was in fact me at one point in my life. But now that I know the horrible truth, I just can't accept that title anymore. I do know who I was, who I thought I was, years ago and days ago as well, but I do not know who I am now. It's the second most awful feeling I've ever experienced.
The first is whatever I felt in the single moment when I saw the door close between Bastila and I while she bravely fought Malak on the Leviathan, just seconds after I had learned my true fate. Complete devastation doesn't even begin to describe it.
Now, as I sit on the Ebon Hawk replaying every second of those few moments over and over in my head with absolutely no idea of what to do next, the third most horrible feeling I've had in my lifetime is quickly developing. I don't know if Bastila is alive, I don't know how to continue the mission, I don't even know if I'm the same person I was just hours ago. I feel as though I could go completely insane from all of the thoughts running rampant inside my head.
And all the Jedi training in the world won't keep me from a complete emotional breakdown in my room tonight, all alone, while the weight of my simple existence threatens to completely destroy me.