A/N: I'd like to thank radiojamming / clockworkcourier for fueling this beautiful AU. We all KNOW that Kylo Ren is secretly trapped in the 2000's goth scene, so why not embrace it? That's what this is all about.

Basic info:

Ben (AKA Kylo) is 16 and 2 months old, practically an adult already

Hux is only a few weeks younger and why does Ben have to bring that up whenever they're arguing about what to do that night?

Phasma is so much more beautifully mature at 18, applying to community college and everything, thank you very much

Little twerp Rey who likes to follow them around is eight (at least that's the best guess the state has) and already knows that Santa Claus isn't real because if he was, wouldn't he have brought her better presents than puzzles with missing pieces and maybe some better foster parents? ((w o w am I making myself sad writing this dang))

Luke owns a farm out in the country and ofc Ben hates when he has to stay there because it's in the middle of f u cking NOWHere

Han runs a trucking company along with his heavily bearded and accented friend who just goes by Chewie - no one can pronounce his actual name (who ever understands Slavic names?)

Leia works for the governor, but let's be real she's the one who actually gets things done for the state.

Basically my goal for this fic is to start off ridiculous and hilarious while slowly moving into more serious updates.

They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies in the books to make a citizen out of you

"For the last time, no you cannot go to the mall. Your father has to stay late at work tonight and I just don't have time to drive you," Ben's mother explained with tireless patience. She was punching numbers into the phone while she talked, her mind already focused on whatever crisis was gripping the southern districts.

Ben scowled, his fingernails drumming irritably on the table. They were coated in two different tones of black sharpie - Hux's marker had dried out finally and the ones they snagged from the art department were off-brand. "What if I get a ride there?" he asked, trying to keep the pining from his voice. He did not whine.

His mother already had the phone up to her ear at this point and he knew he was on shaky ground to keep going, but dammit he had fifteen whole dollars to spend. She covered the mouthpiece and sighed. "Fine, but no staying out late." Score!

Ben hopped up from the kitchen chair and immediately made a bee-line for the stairs, knowing what was coming next. "But for the love of God don't come back with more eyeliner or- Hello Dorothy I'm so sorry-"

He slammed his door closed, pretending he hadn't heard any of that. He would spend his money on whatever he wanted. Besides, he already had enough to last for at least a few more weeks, provided that Hux didn't try to steal it again.

Speaking of his ginger-haired friend, Ben swung into his computer chair and logged back into pidgin - only squares still used AIM. Hux was online, of course, with his status set to a series of angry emoticons.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - just tlkd to the parental unit. good to go if we get a ride.

GNRLHUXXX - oh rly?

GNRLHUXXX - ur dad cant drop us off

GNRLHUXXX - ?*

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - he's working :(

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - i kno phas said she wuz free 2nite

GNRLHUXXX - dude she said last tiem if she drove she waz going to make us pay 4 gas

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - she was totally joking

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - i think

Ben scowled and rested his head on his fist. If she did make them pay for gas, that was basically going to clean out his entire wallet. Hux didn't usually have cash - he was too much of a scaredy cat to ask his dad for money - so Ben would have to cover his portion of gas money, too.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - can u call her? mom is on teh phone here

GNRLHUXXX - oh wow shes home 4 once?

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - yup. making my life miserable as usual

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - so you gonna call phas?

GNRLHUXXX - yeah

GNRLHUXXX is afk (tlking to lady phas :K )

It took a good five minutes for Hux to get back online, during which Ben wistfully scrolled through his music library. It was seriously lacking ever since his father discovered the source of the mysterious 10 dollar monthly charge was going to his Napster account. There had been shouting, slammed doors, and threats of how much he would regret this when his mother heard about it. In the end the only punishment he ended up with was a serious deficit in good music.

God, his parents could be such control freaks. Ben settled on just shuffling everything, punching the next song button until something finally felt appropriate. The starting piano notes from "Welcome to the Black Parade" made him smile, and he clicked back over to his IM.

GNRLHUXXX is now online (:D :PPPP im back you squares)

GNRLHUXXX - so phas says no probs

Ben grinned. Now they finally had a chance for today to not suck. He'd been dying of boredom since finishing his pre-calc homework - well, most of it.

GNRLHUXXX - if she gets cinnabons in exchange

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - nooooooo :((((

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - doesnt she already get those 4 free from TK when hes working?

GNRLHUXXX - *shrug*

GNRLHUXXX - im just the messenger. dont be mad at me

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - ugh fiiiiiiiineeeeee

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - is she leaving nao? bc i just want to get out of this stupid house

GNRLHUXXX - shes on her way 2 my place first. shuld be only a couple mins

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - OK sick :D

GNRLHUXXX - :DDDD

GNRLHUXXX is now offline (the bass. the rock. the mic. the treble.)

oOoKYLO_RENoOo is now offline (GNRLHUXXX? more like GNRLSUXXX)

It only took another ten minutes for the sound of Phasma's horn to blare from the street. He grabbed his messenger bag and unplugged his headphones from the computer speakers, looping them on his neck. "Mooooom I'm leaving," he bellowed, taking the stairs two at a time.

Unintelligible grumbling came from her office before he heard the sound of the door slamming. She was still on the phone, apparently. "I feel so loved," Ben growled, letting the front door slam closed behind him.

Phasma leaned out of her front window, oblivious to the early-March chill in the air. "Hey loser," she called out cheerfully. "Took you long enough."

He resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her, tugging his messenger bag to sit better on his shoulder. The strap was constantly messed up despite the binder clips that he'd put on it to keep it from getting too long. "Nice to see you, too," he growled.

Hux smirked at him from the front seat. Ben would have to sit in the back next to whatever junk Phasma was carting around today. Totally fucking rude. It was his idea to go to the mall and now he was getting the shit car seat? How completely unbel-

"Are you going to get in or should we just let you walk?" Hux sneered, his accent further grinding Ben's nerves. Ben tugged the passenger door open and forced his way inside, kicking a box of what looked like magazines onto the opposite side.

He finally managed to get all of his gangly limbs inside Phasma's tiny car and shut the door. She barely waited for both of his feet to be inside before she pulled away from the curb. She punched the radio's on button to not-so-gently coax it to play something. The breeze from the open window made her cropped blonde hair flutter, which never failed to captivate Hux. The ginger idiot kept looking over at her every few seconds, chewing intently on his lip.

Ben rolled his eyes. How he managed to keep himself together when he was alone with Phasma was a mystery. "Did either of you hear that Slipknot might play one of the summer festivals?" Ben interjected between CD tracks.

Phasma, ever all-knowing, nodded. Hux hadn't heard though and he turned eagerly in his seat. "You're kidding. That's awesome! We're so totally going, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Nah, I just told you so that we could make sure we didn't go," Ben replied sarcastically. "Dipshit." The car rolled to a stop as Phasma waited patiently for the green light.

"Well last week you were talking about how Murderdolls was so much better, so I didn't know," Hux hissed back. This was pretty typical for the pair. They were inseparable but both loved pushing the other's buttons.

Phasma slammed her foot on the accelerator, jerking the car forward. "What did I tell you twerps about arguing in my car?" She asked, her voice low and threatening.

Both boys' faces drain of color. They both knew perfectly well what Phasma could turn into when she got pissed. "Don't do it," the chorused in reply.

She grinned roguishly, her mood changing with a swiftness that was startling. "You're goddamn right. Now, we're going to Cinnabon first, right?" Her car pulled into the mall parking lot, cutting off a mini van to take a spot right by the main entrance.

Ben nodded quickly as Hux squeaked out, "Yeah, absolutely."

"Then we can go to Hot Topic so Ben can get more Manic Panic. Your roots are starting to show again, Mr. 'This is Totally my Natural Color'," Phasma teased. His hand immediately flew up to his curly black hair. That was a low freaking blow. And how long was she going to wait before telling him that?

The radio cut out when she turned off the car, and the trio piled out onto the pavement. Ben shook his hair to better fall over his eyes and followed Phasma into the mall, Hux trailing on his heels. Once Phas got her sugar fix then they could do actual cool things.

Like get more hair dye.