WARNINGS: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, STARVATION, SELF-INFLICTED HARM, OVERWORK, WHUMP MERLIN AND ARTHUR, DRUIDS, MAGIC REVEAL.
He didn't know when it started, the endless ache of worthlessness. Maybe it was when he failed to help the people so close to his heart. Maybe it was when the failure screamed at him every day when he woke and kept him awake until ungodly hours of the night. Maybe it was when Arthur acknowledged that he didn't have feelings for Gwen, and that Gwen and Lancelot were actually perfect together, but Arthur still couldn't see Merlin. Arthur didn't see the endless nights Merlin stayed awake sick with worry, or when he woke from nightmare plagued with pyres and nooses.
Our story however starts with Arthur repelling the ban on magic and the celebrations that followed it.
It was early in the morning when Merlin finally rose from the corner of his cold room. He was wearing his normally tattered clothes and nothing was out of the ordinary, or, so it seemed. If you looked closely enough you would have noticed the tell-tale black bruises under his eyes telling us that the young warlock hadn't slept for a while. Or maybe what would have given away what was out of the unordinary, would have been the boy putting away what looked like to be a encrusted dagger, with what looked suspiciously like blood on. It was very obvious that the boy had been gifted the dagger, for the poor boy wouldn't have had the money to buy such a delicately designed dagger.
Merlin had no luxury of time, he was out his door in minutes, grabbing the bread Gaius gave him and ignoring the worried look he gave Merlin. The bread however wasn't eaten by the boy, but by a small child who had been begging door to door for some-any type of offering.
The warlock ran as fast as his could in his sleep deprived, food deprived and sadly blood lost state. He managed to catch the handles of time by a nick as he managed to slip into the meeting with the Knights of the Round Table just behind Sirs Percival and Gwaine. The two in love men were very oblivious to the skinny man slipping in sneakily behind them. Merlin immediately set to work filling up goblets. Nobody noticed him. He was used to it. But he shouldn't have been. He got that they were all busy with negotiations and peace treaties from neighbouring kingdoms and druid camps, but didn't they noticed their friend – like brother?
Merlin just sighed.
"The druids should be arriving tomorrow mid-morning and we all should be ready. I want you all to instruct the lower town and upper town to be prepared and no abhorrence should be shown. We should treat them like humans…" Merlin zoned out here, feeling proud about the man he loved, however he felt bitter at the thought, because he knew that if Arthur knew of his magic, he would be treated like a traitor within seconds. Merlin couldn't help feel apprehensive at the impending arrival of the druids. What if his secret was discovered? What if someone tried to harm Arthur? His mind was whirling and as he tried to readjust himself against the wall he felt dizzy and disorientated, he tried to subtly put his hands up to his head to stop the hazy sight. He however even through his blurred vision could see the worry his friend George, who he had built friendship with over their loyalty to the crown, had on his face.
The meeting was over soon and George was making his way over to Merlin, he opened his mouth to speak but Arthur interrupted.
"Merlin..." Merlin immediately seized up because oh that voice, but his body went lax because he had no energy to be stiff and still. "-if you continue stalling you will have more jobs, no chop chop, get to it."
Merlin dragged his exhausted, beaten down and weak body out the door, ignoring the burning stares of Arthur and George. One of love (not that Merlin knew that), and one of extreme disquiet (Merlin knew this though)
He worked his body to the maximum, not resting once, not stopping for luncheon or stopping to breathe. He worked slowly and quickly, hurried but unhurried. He stole a few moments of peace when he put his feverish forehead against a cold stone wall of the castle that he was washing, but quickly resumed his work. No sleep and no food was making him sluggish and if the numerous other servants next to him noticed they didn't speak of it. He was pulled left, right and centre. If he wasn't found polishing and washing ceremonial clothes and armour, he was vigorously cleaning the walls and floors. If he wasn't being sent for errands, he was cleaning the leech tank or helping in the kitchens. He was never in one place for too long, he moved from the forest collecting herbs, to mucking out the stables, or preparing the council chambers for the welcome feast for the druids. He was working so hard, he didn't even think to stop and imagine what would happen tomorrow and if the druids would reveal his secret. He didn't even notice the worried looks shared amidst the servants, obviously the knights didn't notice. They were too busy training or doing important things or ordering squires and servants to do something for him.
Merlin was so numb by early evening, he didn't feel the warning pounding in his stomach that he had to eat something and soon. He couldn't feel his head or arms or legs, he was just moving and smiling like he had practiced in the mirror. Sometimes during the day when he found a moment of peace against a wall, he would close his eyes and take a deep breath, but then he would hear the blazing crackles of the pyre, and his eyes would shoot open again and he would find himself hyperventilating. By late evening Merlin was still working and all the servants were becoming increasingly worried, they had all stopped working when Merlin assured them he would finish up, they were reluctant to leave because they had all seen him loose himself and saw him hyperventilating at least once, but with one look at the tired man, they realised they couldn't do anything to stop his stubborn soul. They had tried to tell the Knights and King Arthur, once, twice and even thrice, but they waved it off and just told them off or gave them extra chores. Nearly every commoner and servant were very angry by the end of the night. They had been told off for worrying about their friend, who looked so sickly and it was a wonder he was even able to stand up correctly.
They all lay awake that night until they heard the small thuds off the council chambers, telling them of Merlin's departure. They however were less than relieved when they realised the sun was going to be peaking over the horizon in no more than 4 hours. Angry and exhausted they fell captive to the luring beckon of sleep.
Merlin however still didn't sleep that night, he had no want of nightmares. So he lay awake until the sun had made its acquaintance with the sky, with a bloody dagger in hand. The night past like any other, cut after cut. Tear after tear. Bruise after bruise. Scar after scar. He didn't break routine. He stayed in his chambers cleaning his blood and rushing out of his room, but in his haste he forgot to change his tunic so he just grabbed his jacket, hoping his blood wouldn't leak through. But what was even more terrifying, was that he had forgotten to hide his bloody dagger, he just hoped that Gaius wouldn't visit his room that morning. He was first to the council chambers and he immediately set off to work, ignoring the concerned looks his friends gave him. When it was time he slipped off to give food to the King and wake him up. The worries of the druids impending meeting had caught up to him, so this morning he had woken up Arthur with a quick shake and was out of his chambers not catching the loving and anxious look that followed him out the chambers.
The druids had arrived earlier than excepted, and Merlin hadn't been there to welcome them beside Arthur. He worked hard making sure the chambers were clean and tidy for the druids and then he was in the forest collecting herbs until the feast.
At the feast he slipped in late just as Arthur was finishing his speech. Merlin had been late because he had found himself stopping to lean against the wall breathing one two and continuing. He didn't know how he would last the night. Iseldir rose for his speech.
"Thank you King Arthur, I cannot express with words how delighted we all are that Albion is finally being united. Between us druids we have a great legend and prophecy of The Once and Future King, who is said to united all of Albion and bring magic back to the land. However it is said that he would never succeed without his protector Emrys, the most powerful warlock to roam the lands, the epitome of magic, born with magic he is told to be a man of Earth, Wind, Fire and Air. He is said to be the bringer of magic, with elements such as lighting at his command. Legend tells us that he is to be the Last Dragnolord, The Lover of The Lady of the Lake and then later The Once and Future King, Slayer of High Priestesses Nimeuh and Morgana and Sorcerer Cornelius Sigan, Loyal friend to Arthur Pendragon, the Knights of the Realm, otherwise, known as the Knights of the Roundtable, Lady Guinevere and Gaius the Court Physician. He however, is also told to be the greatest and loyalist friend a man could have, nevertheless, if crossed the worst enemy a man could have. He is more so a King to us. Our prophecy has been proved to be true, because, King Arthur, you¸ are the Once and Future king." Every noble, servant and commoner in the court who had been listening with rapt attention gasped with the revelation. However Iseldir wasn't finished. "We are here for the peace treaties but I can tell you that we all feel the powerful aura of Lord Emrys. We implore you to be kind and merciful to our Lord, and accept him no matter who he is."
King Arthur found himself trusting this hidden protector and nodded. "I ask the Lord Emrys to come forward." The silence was screaming in the quiet room. Merlin who had been half listening to the speech was shaking as the exhaustion came rushing to him again. He was dry heaving at one point of the speech. He could feel the questioning looks of the druids piercing his back. He couldn't hide anymore, not after he heard Iseldir 'consort of the Once and Future King' he took a dizzy step forward with excitement and nausea singing in his body and promptly fell, consciousness leaving his body as he fell. But before he was fully under the blackness, he heard a chorus of screams come from the druids.
"MY LORD" and "EMRYS" were the most distinguishable.
Chaos broke out instantly, gasps and whispers were quickly exchanged. The knights and Arthur seemed to stop for a moment before they rushed to the fallen boys' side. Druids lifted him to the table where the food had mysteriously vanished from. Guards led everyone out the chambers and Gaius hurriedly checked Merlin. Time passed agonizingly slowly. The druids filled the time talking more in depth about the prophecy and explained that when Merlin awoke he would tell them more.
Then a gasp came from the other side of them room, the druids closed their eyes in resigned defeat but made no move to follow the worried friends who made their way towards Gaius. Gaius had removed Merlin's clothes, scars littered every inch of his pale skin. There was battle wounds but what made their eyes fill with tears were the obviously self-inflicted wounds. There was precise lines dragging down his forearms, but what made Arthur turn away was the carved writing on his legs. He had moved closer to read the writing but had to move away and wish he hadn't when he did.
"Never good enough, like Arthur would love you, ugly, worthless, bastard…" the words got increasingly crude and Arthur needed to breathe. He ran.
He heard the others following, he heard their cries but he didn't stop. He stopped on the balcony out looking the forest.
Gwaine spoke first. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT."
Percival replied "It's not like we noticed either" Gwaine paid no noticed to his beloved.
"You pushed him away, YOU TREATED HIM LIKE NOTHING AND LOOK WHERE THAT DROVE HIM, HE WAS KILLING HIMSELF. HE COULD HAVE DIED. HE IS LAYING THERE STARVING AND DYING AND EXHAUSTED AND YOU RUN FROM HIM. IS IT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T STAND TO SEE HIM. DISGUSTING, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST TWO MEN TOGETHER."
Arthur snapped then, he had enough. He turned to face them as quick as a viper and everyone took a collective gasp and staggering step back as they took in their normally cool and collected King. The man had tears pouring down his face, his eyes were red rimmed and face was set in self-loathing. His voice cracked and broke over his words that he whispered "Don't you think I know. Don't you see that I tried to stop my feelings for him because I didn't want to break our friendship? Don't you see how much I hate myself? I'm so fucking worthless and disgusting, I drove the man I love to the doors of death and left him there." The man was as broken as Merlin. They said noting but steered the hurting King back to Merlin. Gwaine was feeling extremely guilty for speaking like that to his friend and when he tried to apologise, Arthur just cried more. No one could believe how stupid they were to have not seen this before.
They entered the room and a blur of black attacked Arthur. Merlin was awake. The druids were smiling in the background. Lancelot asked the question they all were dying to ask. "How are you awake?"
Merlin smiled his dazzling smile. "I was healed." He hugged Arthur once more. Arthur came to his senses and kissed Merlin, not letting him go, they kissed for several minutes, neither wanting to let go. Both men had tears rolling down their faces and they looked at each other with love. Until finally they broke apart. When they did Merlin reared back and slapped Arthur across the face. Everyone gasped and cringed in shock. And then Arthur asked "What the hell was that for?"
Merlin looked positively murderous. "When I was healed, the druids told me everything and when I couldn't find you I used my magic to reach out to find you and I heard everything you said." Arthur gulped. "If. You. Ever. Dare. Think. Of. Yourself. Like. That. Again. I. Will. Kill. You." Every word was punctuated and then the tables turned and Arthur grabbed Merlin by the collar ignoring the protesting people and man he was holding. "And. If. You. Ever. Try. Anything. On. Your. Life. I. Will. Tie. You. In. My. Chambers. And. Never. Let. You. Out." Between every word he kissed Merlin. When he was finished Merlin teasingly looked at him through his lashes and smiled coyly and whispered "Is that a promise?" everyone gasped at the blatant sexual innuendo. But Arthur growled and bodily threw him over his shoulder and took him to his chambers.
A/N: IF YOU LIKE THIS REVIEW AND I WILL WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER, THERE WAS SOME FORESHADOWING IN CASE THIS BECOMES MORE THAN AN ONESHOT. I HOPE YOU LIKED. THE ENDING WAS A BIT RUSHED AND NOT MY BEST BUT I WANTED TO POST BY 10PM SO….