Last Letter from Azkaban
by snapesgirl1981
Disclaimer: I don't Harry Potter, nor do I want to infringe on any copyright. I am NOT JK Rowling and I do this for entertainment only.
Rating: R
Summary: SS is in Azkaban after the war and this is his last letter to his beloved. May have a sequel after I finished A True Slytherin or when I have some more time to write both.
Dear Hermione,
I am not writing this letter as a way of easing my conscience nor do I want to burden you with anything more than already done; sometimes especially when having to endure the icy presence of the Dementors every day in and out, you feel like you are slowly vanishing into oblivion. My emotions feel very distant now almost as if I am a step away from not caring any longer, about anything really. My life, whether I still know who I am or what I have done to deserve this icy seclusion that more and more rubs itself in somehow managing to destroy my personality, the sense of who exactly Severus Snape is and why it matters to keep him alive.
It's surely a sign of gradually loosing the battle if you start to think about yourself in the third person, isn't it? If you look into the darkness and try to remember why you shouldn't knock on this little cell door, which you never do unless you want to receive your keeper's last present, unless you want to cease to exist, cease to rot her as the person you are, unless you want the ultimate punishment. Surely you know what I am talking about, my dear? You were always too smart for your own good, my darling and you never stopped raising the most astute questions, never considered for one single moment that not doing this would spare you so much. Sometimes I want to turn back time, use the offered opportunity now to push you away, to make you hurt in that little moment knowing that you would never suffer in the way you do now.
Occasionally I allow my mind to drift back to happier times, to the few little moments when I could forget what I was doing to you and to myself, the moments that made everything bright and colourful. How I miss those colour now my sweet. How the dull grey begins to infiltrate my mind and alter my perception of the world. I have almost forgotten after three years what bright blue looks like, the shade that coloured the sky on a sunny afternoon near the lake when you and I were bathing in the sun together. Do you still remember when you started to tickle me, my precious, and do you sometimes wish you would have continued, because I told you back then if you hadn't stopped I would have died? I wish you would have, wouldn't have stopped immediately and started to touch my face with the most tender, feather-light caresses because, my sweet, I could simply give in, receive the eternal kiss and never look back.
There was never much in my life that was worth fighting for in the end but you. You made my life bearable and the thought of having to continue without you for the rest of it makes me cringe inside, makes me want to knock on that damned door and end it all. But of course I should have known you wouldn't let me. But why these last words, my love? If you wanted to give me my death blow you succeeded far better than you are aware. I can remember it still quite clearly the way your face looked that late June afternoon, stained with tears and the way you uttered this last request. Why? Mione, you knew how it would all end, you knew I would want to surrender one day…
But I gave you this last promise, I couldn't force that hopeful expression from your face when it was of such beauty, of such innocence my sweet angel. Oh just thinking of it now floods my eyes with tears, something they haven't done in a long time. You simply stop crying after a while here, they even suck sadness from you until you are nothing, you feel nothing and you want nothing any longer. I hope so desperately that you continue your life with as much happiness in it as possible; you deserve so much more than I could ever give you even if I weren't trapped in here, in this anteroom to hell.
My love, the reason I am writing this letter is that I want you to be happy, need you to be filled with joy and live your life to the fullest. For both of us so I don't loose my mind here. Stop trying to fight fate, my dear and please no more appeals. I hate to know you still try to see me every Sunday and I have to send to away because you will never stop hoping if I don't.
I love you but you know that already. I know you love me my sweet one and I wish things were different for us.
This will be the last letter I sent to you. Please don't think I stopped loving you for one second, please don't. But I have to make a decision here and this is mine. You will understand sooner or later that it is for the best.
With eternal love and devotion,
S.S.