Words Left Unsaid
My heart broke as I watched Levi. Though it didn't look like it, I knew he was suffering. Silently suffering.
He was standing outside of the horse stalls, arms crossed in front of him, leaning against a wall. He wore a frown on his face, his eyes closed. There was a certain pained look to his usual glum expression. His jaw was tense, and there was an extra crease between his eyebrows.
The Corporal was never one to show his emotions. I would know, as I've worked for him for the majority of my life. As far as I knew, he never talked to anyone about his feeling. Or at least, he never talked to me about them. Which was why is pained me all the more to watch him stand there like that. Silently suffering.
I began to wonder what he was thinking right then. That he could have done better? That he could have somehow prevented the inevitable from happening? That he wasn't strong enough to protect everyone?
Guilt is one of those emotions that can haunt a human soul. It can practically eat you alive if you don't know how to control it. But Levi knew how to. He'd never let a feeling like that paralyze him. Ironically, the emotionless state he always seemed to be in had its benefits.
But like all of us, he was only human. And even though he didn't express what he was thinking, those feelings were driving him into a very pained state.
I think what was bothering him the most though, was the fact that he didn't get to say goodbye. All the poor souls he watched go, and he couldn't even utter any last words to them. It wasn't fair. It was never fair.
Levi was a man who dealt with loss often. More often than anyone should have to deal with, I think. Though this one particular loss took a more personal toll on him. It was one that shook him to his very core. He hadn't been prepared for it. None of us were. We had all underestimated the female titan's strength. And we paid for it dearly.
Now I walked over to Levi, so I was standing just a few inches away from him. "Corporal," I murmured underneath my breath. He didn't look at me.
Brining my face closer to his, I cupped my mouth over his ear. "You did well." I whispered to him. I took a few steps back, increasing the distance between us again. He couldn't hear me. I knew that. But I didn't care. I needed to tell The Corporal those words. My Corporal.
Levi opened his eyes, glancing over at the spot I was standing. The tenseness in his jaw lessened, and he stood up straight. My eyes widened. Was it possible that he heard me? Had he noticed me? But then he gave a small sigh, and leaned back up against the wall, the same monotone expression returning to his face.
I gave a sad smile. He couldn't see me. He had no idea I was standing only a few feet in front of him. My body was outside of the Walls somewhere, lost forever in the wilderness. But Levi knew my name. He knew my story. And he would always have me in his memories.
To him, I would be known as Petra Ral. His Petra Ral, the one who had 10 Solo Kills, and 48 Team Kills. The soldier that joined his squad and followed his words until the end. The woman that would never again have a chance to tell him what he meant to her.
Yet, I spoke words to The Corporal just a moment ago. Maybe it was because I still believed I could relieve him of some of his pain. Maybe I was holding out hope that I'd be able to communicate with him one last time. Or perhaps it's because I realized that we don't get many second chances in life. I'd never get one again. But I needed to tell Levi those words, even if he couldn't hear me. After all, it's the words let unsaid that we regret the most.