Don't own them (Dick Wolf does), but mom, please quit putting Gherkin Pickles in the pasta salad!!!
As I took a bite out of my sandwich today during our lunch break, I heard Fin groan.
"What the…" he began and slammed the fridge shut.
"WHO BOUGHT THE SWEET GHERKIN PICKLES AGAIN!" He yelled, so loudly I could've swore the desk sergeant downstairs heard him.
"Fin, no need to yell my dear compatriot. The culprit is right here. He's sitting down at his desk, right next to you if I may add, and is perfectly capable of hearing anything you say despite his old age," I replied casually and took another bite out of my sandwich.
"Man, what the fuck is your problem? It's your turn to do groceries this week for the squad and I ask you to buy the Kosher Dill Pickles. I don't care what brand they are, but just get that type of pickles. Instead, you buy these things that can make a kid's teeth rot out faster than eating a whole bag of Snickers'© fun sized bars," he snapped, glaring at me.
"I didn't have enough money with me that day. Capt'n was short a coupla' dollars to afford a jar of them. All they had was the big jar down at Mike's Cornerstore. And besides, everyone on this shift loves Gherkin Pickles."
"I don't care if the Pope likes them! I don't. They can spoil a perfectly good sandwich! Didn't you had few extra greenbacks in that damn wallet of yours that day?"
"I didn't bring my wallet."
"Bull!"
"Okay, I took out the money I had in it and put it in my locker so I wouldn't confuse it with the Captain's money."
"Stupid!" He emphasized the word stupid. "You're Jewish! By definition, you eat Kosher foods."
"Actually I am a reformed Jew who eats Dominos most of the time because he doesn't know how to make his own pizza. Besides, what's all the fuss about?"
"Kosher Dill Pickles are a man's pickle. Not the sweet fluff you're eating now."
He turned leave, I guess going to buy a jar of his "Manly Pickles," because he hasn't been back since.
And I lick my fingers clean for any remnants of my toasted ham and cheese sandwich with onions and Gherkin Pickles.