"I'm stuck with you," the vampire sighed.
The Breton-Imperial man nodded once, somehow managing to make the slightest curve of a smile look extremely smug. "Indeed, and I must say that I wouldn't have it any other way."
She looked away at his blatant comment. "Wonderful…" she replied. "I suppose I could say the same… but I won't," she traded, gleaming alabaster fangs peeking passed her smile.
"Wouldn't have it any other way," he repeated, smile growing wider.
Serana was stuck with Shepard, the Dovahkiin, by… choice more than anything. Had she known she'd be stuck with annoyances in the form of giant attacks, wolf attacks, bandit attacks, house-sitting, and the fourth attempted break-in of said house this week… well, she still wouldn't have left, but she would have retained the right to complain a lot more.
Outside of the home, a grand building named Lakeview Manor for its enviable view of the lake of Falkreath Hold, Serana stood in front of the simple stables that housed Shepard's horse. His name was Mr. Sparkles.
She rolled her eyes. Of course he would be named Mr. Sparkles.
The horse had been with Shepard since she had known him, since he had retrieved her from the crypt that had been her prison for, apparently, thousands of years. He was obviously intelligent, or maybe Shepard was just insane enough to think he was, because he'd frequently get into discussions with him.
Serana smiled at that. She liked the horse. It was polite, and helpful. It was more of the type to trample any hostile animal rather than run away, as was typical of a hardy Skyrim horse. As such, she had fed Mr. Sparkles a bit liberally today… and it was going to pay off… now.
In the recessed corner of the stables hold, a blonde thief clad in black thrashed viciously against her binds. She had so many pockets Serana considered calling her 'pocket princess', but making annoying nicknames was always more of Shepard's thing. She'd (jokingly) be more inclined to call her 'food'.
"I'm going to fucking kill you!" The thief yelled at Serana. "I'm going to take your bones and use them as lockpicks! I'll use your skin as ledger paper! I'll-HGRRRPMHMPHMHPHM!"
Grunting noncommittally, she silenced the blonde thief's mouth with an old cloth. She wasn't particularly sure where the cloth had come from, but she knew it wasn't clean. And she didn't remember the woman's name, but there was no forgetting that voice. She was certainly imaginative. And annoying.
She thrashed, bound and now gagged, struggling to escape her bindings. Serana had taken care to confiscate all of her weapons and tools and, after a moment of consideration, had left them on Shepard's desk. He'd likely want to sell them if he didn't throw them into the lake, but it was honestly a fifty-fifty chance.
Now that she had some peace and quiet, finally, Serana barely paid attention to her. She would have left the room if Shepard had warned her to be on the lookout for thieves, specifically this this woman, who was apparently one of the best.
"Keep her away from doors," Shepard had said. "She's a jailbreaker. Good with locks." Serana did, so she put the thief in a stable. No locks there.
Mr. Sparkles kept the woman warm, but it wasn't a good kind of warm. Serana may or may not have fed him a bit overmuch. For what it was worth, the golden stallion seemed to be a bit bashful and sheepish as he made her hair billow, not that the would be thief cared, and the poor steed's flank sustained several scathing glares. To wit, Serana stood a good deal of distance away.
The children Shepard had taken in were tucked in, unless they weren't, and Serana's ears twitched on reflex at that moment. She couldn't hear anything, but she smelled them, and so her ears reacted, compensating for her inferior senses. She smelled soft milk and sweets, bread and dirt from playing outside. The house was going to be a mess from their playing today.
The door behind her peeked open; the smell of home-cooked meals and warmth wafted out into the area that surrounded Lakeview manor. It was a scent Serana hadn't taken long to learn to appreciate. They were certainly much better than Mr. Sparkle's flatulence, which were, luckily, downwind from Serana, and the death knells of a blonde, boisterous, bitch of a thief huffing said horse farts.
Briefly she turned, and saw a little girl. What was her name? Lucia? Sofie? Runa? All the boys were asleep now – they slept like little rocks – but there was always the one girl who'd roam the night like her adoptive father, peeking into every crevice and chest, barrel and drawer, looking for treasure. She wore a reddish-purple dress and her hair was done up in a braided ponytail. Her face looked… a bit like a potato, with all of the baby fat that surrounded it.
Serana finally recognized her by the curious, guileless look in her eyes. The look was a lie. The little girl was as crafty as Shepard was, if not more devious.
"Sofie," she said blithely, affixing the burnt pits of her eyes to the small child. The girl did not react as Serana hoped she would – she opened the door further and stepped out, holding little shoes in her hand. Serana frowned; she never thought she'd miss it when the kids thought she was the scariest thing since a giant mudcrab, but their lack of reaction was almost insulting.
She smiled as Sofie stepped out onto the stone stoop and, after jumping a bit at the cold stone against her barefeet, hurriedly put her shoes on. The vampire most certainly did not show a bit of her fangs just to frighten the girl, and that was just as well; Sofie gave her a blank look and blinked at her, and then entirely ignored the action that Serana would consummately deny she ever took.
Serana sighed and turned away from her, knowing that the girl wouldn't listen to her because she was just like her father, and turned back to the blonde thief, whose threats had died down considerably. The rag likely tasted absolutely awful, if for no other reason than being in a horse stable. At least she wasn't unconscious. Small mercies. Serana doubted she was the 'glass half full' type.
The thief looked to be trying to oust the dirty cloth from her mouth while simultaneously shutting off her olfactory senses – a process that obviously wasn't working, as her eyes were rolling into the back of her head and a bit of frothed spit started to seep from her mouth. Serana suddenly realized, with a smug and yet disgusted detachment, what exactly the cloth had been used for.
Apparently, so did Sofie. "Eww, is that the rag Blaise used to clean the floor?!" The little girl cried, a bit over loud.
Serana smirked. It wasn't just that, it was the rag that was used to clean the alchemy lab after that latest mishap involving chaurus eggs and giant's toes, with a bit of blisterwart for flavor. Serana couldn't see the blackish ichor that stained the rag in the dark, but she could well remember it, and judging by the thief's disgusted expression, she could taste it. Serana felt no pity for her.
"Go inside. Now," Serana said, turning her attention back to the little girl briefly. She knew it was pointless.
"Alright," Sofie said, and promptly stepped off the stoop and walked over to her, causing the deceptively young looking vampire to sigh. The tiny girl tugged gently on her robes. "Why is that woman in with Mr. Sparkles?"
Briefly, Serana thought about lightly smacking her hand away, but not only would the child tell her father, but her father would endlessly tease Serana about being a cantankerous old bitty, 'just like her mother'. And then she'd stick her tongue out at her. Ugh.
So, Serana weathered the small hand like it was a punishment, despite the growing smile on her face.
"She… is his betrothed," Serana said slowly, and then with more conviction as her smile grew into something predatory. The thief's eyes narrowed with the promise of death, but Serana feared no such thing… usually. The eyes turned to the little girl and Serana stepped in front of her instantly, her hands glowing with the cold aura of ice, but it was fortunate for the thief that her eyes had lost their edge before even that.
Sofie immediately ignored the protective action and went up to the golden horse, her tiny arms reaching up to pat his face. "Is that true Mr. Sparkles?" she asked. The horse whinnied like it could understand her, and knelt down so she could run her muggy little hands through its mane. "Is she gonna be your wife?"
The horse snorted and Serana knew the jig was up. Not because she could speak horse, but she could feel its eyes glaring at her, as well as Sofie's. The precocious child put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Mr. Sparkles says that's a mudcrab-tit of a lie!"
Huffing at the fact that the girl had obviously been taking Shepard's lessons to heart – namely the lessons on how to curse like a drunken, illiterate sailor – she rolled her eyes. "Why else would she be sharing a room with him then?" She asked as if it was obvious and gestured to the horse, who scoffed more than snorted and turned away from her.
Sofie looked at her as if she were stupid. "That's a stable. Mr. Sparkles doesn't like rooms, they're too small."
The horse knelt down and, like he was holding an elitist conversation with the little girl that Serana was obviously not invited to, bumped her shoulder slightly, causing her to stumble. At that Sofie walked closer to the stable than Serana thought was safe and the vampire moved to pull her back, but she put her hands on her hips and spoke. "I think… she's from the Thieves Guild. Her jacket… I've seen Papa wear have a black one just like it."
"How do you know what the Thieves' Guild is?" Serana asked incredulously and dragged the apparently gormless girl away.
"Runa told me. She grew up in Honorhall orphanage. Brynjolf would drop off sweets when Grelod wasn't paying attention," Sofie shrugged.
Serana raised an eyebrow at the thought of Shepard having the clothes of a dead man. The thief's black armor was packed to the nines with pouches, no doubt for storing gold and jewels. Serana could tell by comparison that she was one of the higher ups from the Guild, as Shepard's 'official' armor was brown, not black, before he had left.
The only armor that Sofie could be talking about was the armor of Mercer Frey, and for Shepard to have that man's armor just didn't sound like Shepard. Steal it, yes. Selling it for the highest price imaginable (and sometimes stealing it back) was even more likely, but not having the clothes of the man who betrayed, and subsequently tried to kill, him. Shepard always remembered slights against him too well for that.
"Yeah, Papa took it and rolled it around in mammoth dung and set it on fire," the girl explained.
Ah. That sounded more like the Shepard Serana knew.
"She tried to break in to the house," Serana said after a moment of looking between the woman and the girl and noticing that, for what it was worth, the master thief wasn't fixing her partner's daughter with glares that could kill. They were by no means friendly, but it was a point in her favor for Serana not to slowly bleed her dry, nonetheless.
"Again? This is the fourth time this week!" Sofie exclaimed, her voice going high and her face screwing up into a mask of confusion. "It's getting ridiculous!" The child raged.
Serana smiled in amusement at the girl's antics. The child paused, then turned to Serana after giving the thief a headshake usually only reserved for something pitiful after Mr. Sparkle's let out a world rattling gust. "I think… I think I know why?"
That caught Serana by surprise. Just how clued in to his life were Shepard's children? She felt a brief and unwelcomed bout of jealousy at that. Contrastingly, Shepard didn't tell her much; she supposed though, that that was because he usually didn't need to. Usually what he saw and fought, she did too, as they were rarely ever apart.
Sofie didn't wait for her to ask and instead scurried back inside. Not a minute later she came back out with a pouch that had a note on it. The note read, in Shepard's inelegant handwriting, "Vex's loot. If she comes by looking for it, toss it into the lake," in large, easy to read letters that the thief could see and growled at.
"I'm surprised that's all he said," Serana muttered, and Sofie turned the note over. The vampire grinned. "'Also, toss her in the lake too'. That sounds like him," she said, but doubted he truly meant it.
Sofie was next to her again, tugging on her robes. Serana sighed and looked down at the brunette child. For once, she had an expression similar to sadness, but it was closer to longing, both things the vampire was sickeningly familiar with. "I miss him," the little girl said.
Uneasily, Serana laid a hand on her shoulder. She wasn't good with children, and hadn't interacted with one before meeting Shepard's in… millennia. As she had quickly remembered, most children were loud, annoying, and, in the case of one little girl in Whiterun, had a deathwish. Serana hadn't been like that as a child, and yet that was hardly a comforting memory to recall.
She didn't understand how Shepard could handle six children, but he did. He adopted them all and gave them a home and, she was more than willing to admit, he was a good father. But that wasn't saying much coming from her, as her father had been… bad enough to justify getting his remains pissed on by Shepard.
But it wasn't to say he was lackluster either. If she were a child, Serana would have wanted Shepard as her father more than anything and- no, that was a jar of worms she didn't want to open. She was conflicted enough as it was concerning him. No need to bring her daddy issues into it.
"He's not dead," the vampire woman said, rather bluntly and quickly. "He hasn't even been gone that long, either. It's been two days."
Sofie glared at her. Obviously Serana's criteria for fatherhood, rather a lack of one, involved a father being distant, gone, and gone with distance for a considerable amount of time, and isolating his children by insisting they treat their friends like cattle. This… wasn't applicable to Sofie, Serana realized with a miniscule wince. It didn't take long for her to consider that maybe, just maybe, Sofie missed Shepard because… she missed him. Because it was strange for him to be gone this long, and he was that good of a father for her to miss him so soon.
They were rarely ever apart. Ever the adventurer, Shepard always took his children with him whenever he traveled and spared no expense for their protection. It had become a wondrously common sight for Serana to be next to him while they were surrounded by a small army of summons, atronachs and spriggans both. It was a foolish bandit or mage or mercenary, or assassin that would try to attack them. Especially when he had a couple of dragon at his beck and call.
Not faltering whatsoever underneath the gaze of the girl, but simply deciding that the thief, Vex, made for a better sight, Serana turned. "He'll be back soon."
"Do you think he's alright?" Sofie asked quietly.
"I just said he wasn't-" Serana stopped. Shepard might not be dead, but… she had been with him during some of the hardest fights she had ever personally fought. Watched him restore flesh burnt to bone with nary more than a hiss and a string of curses that made her wonder if he wasn't at least a little insane to be so blasé about it, or give life back to frostbitten flesh while telling a joke so bad she couldn't help but to shake her head. He certainly wasn't dead, he couldn't be, but there was a good chance that, knowing him, he was dancing with death right then, and she wasn't there with him.
"I think he's having a good time," she said finally, frowning slightly as she thought of the 'fun' they'd get up to.
Sofie seemed mollified by that and decided to nuzzle her head into Serana, which the vampire took offense to. She wasn't some large stuffed toy! Not that the child even noticed or cared, she was hugging her. It was… an odd feeling. Her arms weren't anywhere near as large as Shepard's, or as strong, but there was that feeling there that she hadn't felt in a long time, one that even her mother had failed to elicit.
Caring. Family.
"Are you okay?" the child asked, her voice muffled by Serana's robes. The vampire really wished she didn't; she smelled like a crypt and probably had the worst type of dust and blood on her person. If the kid got sick, Shepard would get worried and, though he wouldn't blame Serana, she would still feel like he did, and deservedly so. Then she'd have to take care of her, and if she spread the sickness to the other children, which was likely since they'd never be apart for long, the vampire would have one big headache.
She knelt, more to stop the girl from stuffing her face in the coattails of her robes than to give her a hug, but Sofie took it as an invitation to hug her more anyway. Serana could hear her heartbeat and smell the blood pulsing through her veins, but not once did the thought of hunger flash through her mind. Slowly, she hugged the girl back, finding it considerably more difficult as she was about a sixth the size of her father and Serana's arms completely encircled her.
"Do you miss him?" Sofie asked quietly.
Serana snorted. "No."
To that, Mr. Sparkles neighed loudly and beat the ground with his hoof. Sofie pulled back and gave her a disbelieving look that didn't quite work with a child, but Serana stuck to her blade. "I don't miss him because I know he'll come back. And if not, I'll chase him down and drag him back."
The declaration was disingenuous; she couldn't physically drag him back, vampire strength or no, but Serana had developed a way to do it by tilting her head and staring at him. She was sure he was only humoring her, but it was still extremely funny to watch him throw his hands up in the air and yell, "Fine!" and then they'd travel together again.
"I knew you'd miss me."
"I thought that was obvious?"
"You miss him a little," Sofie said succinctly, and nodded to herself. Serana rolled her eyes. She made to turn, but the child wouldn't let go, and so she turned anyway and stood up and Sofie was dangling from her neck like a small branch. "Ahem."
Serana gave her a look. "You take after your father too much."
The little girl smiled smugly at that. "Thank you."
Sighing, Serana picked her up – the wrong way she was sure – and the child made no complaint. She curled up against her for warmth, which Serana thought was a stupid idea, as she was the living dead and cold as ice. Shepard would do the same thing, and it said nothing good of his intelligence. Unless… it did? She was unsure if Shepard was acting like a child, or if his child was acting like him. For a woman that had quickly lost any desire to resemble her father, the connection intrigued her.
"…I'm going to throw her in the lake now," Serana said, wondering if it'd be enough to get the child to stop. Vex was still as, in the corner of Mr. Sparkle's stable, there wasn't a lot of circulation. The air was stale and she either stopped breathing, wished she had, or had slowed it considerably. Serana didn't need light to tell that she was turning a sickly forest green.
"Can we have some crème treats later?" Sofie asked, obviously having no problem with the threat.
"No," Serana sighed exagerratedly. "You're supposed to be asleep. You're lucky I don't toss you into bed."
"Apple pie it is, then," Sofie chirped.
'I don't even know how to make apple pie,' Serana thought. Shepard's attempts at teaching her ended rather badly, mostly because after the first four attempts she had lost any desire to keep trying, despite his claims that they were consistently better. She scoffed at that, and she scoffed now. "You're on your own there," she murmured, and quickly corrected yourself. "And by that I mean no trying to make any on your own!" She glared at the girl and received a deceptively innocent smile in return. Serana suddenly wanted to pinch her cheeks, knowing she likely was going to try to do the exact opposite.
Sofie hummed at that, barely paying attention, and slowed her breathing. Within seconds she was apparently out like a light and Serana was stuck with the largest adolescent necklace any vampire would ever wear.
"Never considered Shepard for a 'family' man," a gruff, disgusted voice said after a moment. Serana looked in the direction of Vex, who had finally gotten the disgusting rag out of her mouth. She was still bound though, and so didn't much garner much of Serana's concern. She wouldn't dare go close to stuff the rag back into her face with Sofie with her, though.
Vex was obviously calmer, though that was likely because of Mr. Sparkle's weaponized gas and her lack of breath quickly tiring her out. Regardless, her temper had cooled. "I was thinking to myself, 'What dumb bitch got drunk enough to spread her legs for him this time'?" Vex sneered.
"Somehow, I'm not surprised it turned out be a nightstalker," she said, in a very pot to kettle way.
Serana raised an eyebrow. 'This time?'
"Someone sounds jealous," she observed, readjusting the small child against her chest.
"Of you? No. I'd be as dumb as him if I ever thought being a vampire was a good idea," Vex scoffed. The insult bounced right off Serana, but she turned, the glowing firepits of her eyes piercing the darkness to stare at the blonde woman, and the aura of life and the thrum of blood that emanated from her. She wondered what it would look like as it slowly seeped away.
"Still, shacking up with one of you… He always did have a knack for dumb ideas," the thief taunted. "Makes me glad we got rid of him."
Serana made no move to reply, but she did know that Vex, supposedly, was the reason Shepard was no longer part of the Thieves' Guild. And that 'rabbit-dick of a Dunmer'. Vex had claimed that he screwed up a job, which Serana sincerely doubted since Shepard had proved to be one of the best thieves she had ever seen, if not the best.
An argument arose when Shepard demanded payment and someone had (almost) died. What was his name? Dust? Dung? Door? Dirge! Dirge the doorman had been burnt to a neat crisp and Tonilla the fence was forced to drink from the cistern of the Ragged Flagon by Shepard himself or drown, and Vekel the Man had gotten a bottle of Black Briar mead shoved up his black briar. Supposedly, after that he stopped selling it. It caused bad rashes, so it couldn't be good for customers.
Naturally, after such a thing he was faced with two possibilities: pay a hefty fine for assaulting Guild members or leave the Guild. For what it was worth, Shepard's fellow Nightingale Brynjolf didn't sound like he liked the idea, nor did Delvin, at least going by what Shepard had said when he told Serana. Still, Shepard refused to pay and left. The only contact he'd had in the last months with the Guild was through a partner Nightingale, Karliah, a sneaky Dunmer that would sometimes just… appear at the manor. Serana didn't not like her, but she didn't like her either.
What Shepard had told her was that he was running interference against the Guild for shits and giggles. He was undoubtedly their best thief; he had killed Mercer Frey singlehandedly and brought the Guild back to prominence in Skyrim nearly all on his own, so disrupting their jobs by stealing everything in sight and spreading the valuable marks to any merchant that could afford them wasn't a tall order.
Thus the sack. Vex's loot resided therein, and that was likely why she was here, to retrieve what had been stolen from her. A thief losing to a thief! Serana huffed in amusement at that.
"So, tell me," Vex whispered conspiratorially, leaning forward and to the side to avoid Mr. Sparkle's flank, "Did he make you scream yet? Because I have to admit, it's one of the only things he's good at. He'd be better off as a male whore with that thing in his-"
She was trying to get a rise out of her, Serana mused. Maybe get her angry enough to drop Sofie and go over to her and throttle her, or if the vampire insults were any clue, to try and suck her dry. It might have worked at one point – Vex proved to be considerably more insufferable than Isran and his hatred of all things vampiric in this short time she had known her – but she had indeed screamed, silently, because of Shepard. Vex was insufferable, but Shepard was a trial of his own that made her look like a little mudcrab in comparison. Yet, he hadn't made her scream in the… physical sense because Serana hadn't let it go that far, despite her multiple considerations.
"Oh I see," Serana said dryly, "You came back so you could have one more roll in the hay with him. Just like old times, right?" She stared at her, unblinking and yet managing to convey how pathetic of an idea she thought that was. "Well, you have the 'in the hay' part down, but I doubt he'll consider you like this, if ever."
She glanced down at Sofie and saw her looking up at her, awake, before she hurriedly closed her eyes. She smirked.
Now Vex could take an insult too, but she was obviously in possession of a short fuse. "I have my standards," she said bitterly.
"Obviously. And apparently Shepard meets your standards, though why he would settle for you is beyond me," Serana returned airily as the blonde bared teeth blackened with ichor at her.
She turned, walked to the door, and opened it. Inside wasn't a hall as most manors would have, but a mini house, complete with a rather large bed and a firepit nearby, as well as a shelf stocked with books. Uncaring that the thief was seeing inside, she laid Sofie down onto the bed and covered her up, pretending to fall for the girl's attempts at appearing truly asleep. Then she turned back and lobbed the heavy sack of gems and jewelry at Vex, hitting her right in the chest. To her credit, which Serana didn't care in the slightest about pass her lack of desire to harm these children, Vex barely made a sound.
"Take your gems and go." The vampire ordered, knowing Shepard wouldn't want her to kill the thief. She bared her teeth and allowed her hands to turn into sickly gray claws, a precursor of her vampire lord form. "If I see, smell, hear, or think you came back here, I won't be tossing you into the river. I'll be tossing your heart into my blood pudding the next time I get hungry."
There were a few ways to terrify people. Nords such as Vex were witheringly stubborn, a trait that Serana didn't particularly share, despite being a Nord as well. Still, she was at least a little visibly cowed as Serana's fangs lengthened and her hands glowed with ice, and small spears of frozen water collected at her fingertips with the promise of impalement. Still, vex was a thief, prideful and consummate, despite being inundated in horse gas, and said nothing.
"See yourself out," Serana waved at the stable, and walked inside, shutting the door behind her. A Master thief wouldn't have any problem escaping those binds, and if she did, well… Serana didn't care.
Stuck in the darkness, Vex writhed through the ropes with only the faint howls of dumb wolves and the shimmying of a horse to keep her company. When she finally got her hands free, near the break of dawn, a fowl, eye watering wind broke in her face and she saw the nine divines staring at her with pitiful looks reserved for a pitifully dumb child.
She collected the sack and briefly entertained the thought of breaking in to the house just to show she could, but she wasn't being paid by the Guild to fight a vampire, just to collect their marks. But she was confident she could win… probably. Nevertheless, she was disarmed and hadn't invested overmuch in magic, so the only spell she could do was a paltry flame spell that would be used to keep her warm during her trek back to Riften.
She spat at the horse and considered stealing it, but Shepard's steed was nothing if not loyal. For that reason alone she growled at it and it blew stinky horse breath in her face.
"Stinky waste of- Hmph, Mr. Sparkles. Dumb name," she grunted, and took the path away from the manor at a brisk walk, the bag of loot jingling at her side.
In the morning, Serana would go outside and find her gone, and with her, the headache she brought. Good riddance. Now she just had to work on cleaning the kitchen after Sofie's attempt at making a pie.
Short, sweet idea that popped up to me. I always liked the relationship between Serana and the DB (well my interpretation thereof). Also, Vex is a bitch. I don't hate her, but she is. Anyone who has ever had the infuriating experience of completing a job and having her claim you flubbed it, this is for you.
And Vekel (smarmy bastard), Tonilla (all we really care about is how much money you bring us, we won't help you if you're in trouble), and Dirge (the dung-kicker)are... well, I can't put 'making strangling motions' into words very accurately. Strangleable?
This was, other than exorcising the idea from my head, an attempt at telling a story through another character's POV and having it be very telling. I tried to give some glimpse of what the Dragonborn and Vex and Sofie (so adorable, they all are), through Serana's eyes, as well as how Serana might feel being a apart of a family, and her relationship with the Dragonborn.
Who is named Shepard after, you probably guessed it, Commander Shepard. Funny story if you care: when I got Dragon Age Inquistion I had just gotten off a Mass Effect kick and tried to make Male Shep there. Turned out pretty nice, so imagine him for the Dragonborn.
For now, this will remain a oneshot, but I had an idea of Shepard becoming the host of a genderbent Alduin, jinchuuriki style. Probably won't go through with that. Maybe some Secret agent Narfi. Poor guy deserves it.
Hope you enjoyed!