Explaining Necessity

Aya and I aren't friends. We've never really been friends. Hell, we punched each other out the first time we really got to know each other. Okay, maybe that day I started it, but he had it coming.

There goes my stubbornness again, ruining everything. I just don't know when to say enough's enough. I make mistakes, I fuck up, I say the wrong words and do the worst possible things at the worst possible times.

But Aya…he never really minds. He'll call me on being 'immature' and 'klutzy' and even 'air-headed' once in a while, but…the things I figure will have him hating me for all eternity, those things he just shrugs right off. Every time. For me.

Me.

Aya and I aren't friends, but that didn't keep me from traveling half the globe to be with him. It never mattered that Omi moved up in the ranks or that Youji's living a whole new life. For me, all that ever mattered was Aya. When I was losing my mind, he was the one telling me to knock it off. When I needed a break, he was the one who saw me off at the airport, even if he did leave without so much as a 'see you later' or 'I hope things go well' or even a 'thanks for being there, Ken.' Yeah, well, I guess he didn't really have much reason to say something like that. Of course I was there. We were all there. When it was necessary any of us would have done anything. It was our job.

But Aya is so much more than just part of the job. He was my driving force. After Kase I couldn't get anything right. Somehow, all I was…was Weiss, and Aya WAS Weiss for me. I had to follow him to England. I didn't know how to survive without him. He was…he IS…a necessity in my life. I even told him so.

I don't think he really knew how to respond to that.

It isn't just me and Aya, of course. There are the others here too, like Michel and Yuki, Furii and Chloe. But the only one that matters to me is Aya. I don't think I knew just how much he meant to me until I got out of that prison and found him gone. I had to find him. When I did, all I could say was, 'you're a necessity.' I couldn't come right out and say, 'I love you, Aya, please stay with me, let me stay with you, let's just be together like this forever.' A nice meeting with his katana would have surely followed that.

Lately though, he's so different from what I remember. I still think about Aya as the guy who told me he'd wipe out my whole family, everyone I ever met, and everyone they ever met. The guy who tried to kill me. The guy who fought me tooth and nail again and again. My leader. My cold as ice bastard of a teammate.

The person I can't live without.

I asked him if he felt the same once. He didn't understand. I said, "Do you need me in your life, Aya? Would things change for you if I wasn't here?"

He said, "Of course things would change, Ken. You wouldn't be here anymore."

"Yeah, but…do you need me. Would things change because…you couldn't deal with me not being there?"

He had stared at me for a long time, gauging his answer, I guess, before finally answering, "I don't think I know how to imagine a life without you."

I was so shocked by his answer I couldn't reply back. I just gaped like an idiot, like I always do. We never talked about it again. But I want to. I want to bring it up. I want to press for more and find out just what he meant. Because if not being able to imagine life without me means for him the way him being a necessity means for me…

I don't know if I have the courage to go through with this, but…the others are all out of the apartments tonight, leaving just me and Aya alone. This rarely happens. Kryptonbrand is bigger than Weiss was; one person or more is usually around if not all of them. But tonight me and Aya are going to be alone. And I am not going to waste another minute.

We already planned to have dinner together. The whole group eats together a lot of the time, so it's not that strange. I just sort of brought it up when we found out the others would be gone.

"Why don't we have dinner together, Aya? The night'll be pretty boring if we just stay in our rooms."

He's become so much more…well, congenial is the term I hear the others using, but…my first thought is always…less icy. Aya the Ice Queen, Youji used to say. But he's not really like that anymore, and he hasn't been for a while. He actually smiles sometimes. A lot of the time. And when he speaks to me I don't worry about suddenly getting pulled into a fight with him. Sometimes when we're talking, we really talk, and it's…nice.

I hope what I plan to bring up tonight doesn't change any of that.

We're having dinner in my rooms since I've become the resident cook. Omi always loved my cooking, Youji never gave it a chance, assuming I would be as clumsy with food as I am with other things, but I'm actually pretty good. Even Aya compliments me once in a while.

He arrives right on time, as always, looking way too good in a black button-down shirt and slacks, the shirt undone farther than he ever would have had it back in Japan, with a cross necklace hanging just perfectly against his pale skin. His hair is getting longer, almost touching his shoulders. It'll take a while to get as long as he had it before Kryptonbrand, but I think he likes it the length it is. I do too, even if I sometimes think about those old ear-tales from when we first knew each other.

My hair is pretty long these days too, but a little shorter than Aya's. It's been getting colder lately so I threw on this cream V-neck sweater and a pair of jeans. The sweater isn't very 'me' but Michel forced me to buy it one day, saying it would look good against my darker coloring and tan skin. Aya has never seen me in it before and his reaction to it is more than I could have hoped for. He actually gets a little tongue-tied when I open the door for him. I must look pretty good. I'll have to remember to thank Michel later.

"I thought we were going to make dinner together?" Aya says, following me into the living room, and more than likely smelling what I have simmering in the kitchen.

"I got impatient. Figured I'd get too hungry. This way we can eat now."

"You didn't have to cook for me."

I don't mention that it was my intention all along. "What's the big deal? We all cook for everyone else once in a while. Besides…it's you." I leave my explanation at that, wondering if he'll comment on it.

He doesn't. But I can almost hear his thoughts spinning, trying to figure out what I mean.

He sits down and I bring the food to the table. No candles or mood lighting or music. Just the slightly unstable table and chairs in my kitchen and the food. We eat, casually talking about simple events during the week, our teammates, and anything but missions or Weiss. Sometimes, I want to talk about Weiss. To say how much I miss Omi and Youji, how I wonder if they're okay. But it hurts to think about them when the truth is…we might never see either of them again.

So I don't bring up how Omi would have loved the meal I cooked, or how Youji would probably be jokingly cat-calling at us for having a 'date.' I figure calling this little get together a date in any way, shape or form would spoil things before I've even started.

"Hey, Aya…you're gonna stick around, right? I mean…you don't have any other plans?"

He thinks a moment. "Mmm…I had thought the plan was to spend the evening together."

Yes! It takes a lot of willpower to keep from shouting that out loud. "Great. I have this flick I think you'll like. We can just…sort of…hang out, huh? Watch the movie. Sit around and be lazy."

Aya cracks a smile. I love that he can do that now, and that he does it at things I say. "Whatever you want, Ken."

I hold back from shouting 'yatta!' and focus on how much I love hearing him say those words. Those exact words. 'Whatever you want, Ken.' The dirty part of my brain has just kicked into overdrive. But I have to remind myself this is Aya. Even if he doesn't freak out on me, spontaneous sex is not going to happen.

Not tonight anyway.

I rented this film "GO." It's a really well-done love and identity story, all about telling the truth, being who you are, and with a nice happy ending. The main character's kinda cute, tall and skinny like Aya. But I think most people would say he acts more like me. Hot-headed, not always thinking before saying or doing something stupid. Oh, and not mentioning something really important to the object of his affection until way late in the game.

For me, that something is the affection itself. I've sort of neglected to tell Aya that, well…I like him. I really like him. I think I even might…love him. And that is a helluva lot more than just seeing him as a necessity.

I'm such an old man, I start feeling sleepy about half-way through the film, even though it's only 9 o'clock. In my defense, we turned off all the lights to give the room that more movie theater feel. A full stomach and darkness equals a sleepy Ken-Ken. But hey, this just works out to my advantage. In my sleepy state I can't possibly understand the fullness of my actions, even when I groggily let myself fall against Aya while we're sitting on the couch.

We sat down in our own places, each with his own cushion. But now I'm invading Aya's cushion, leaning against his side. I can feel his body tense and then relax, getting used to me being there. He's really warm for a former block of ice.

After a few more minutes I let my head fall to rest on his shoulder, sighing with a great big yawn that may or may not be a little bit faked. It does the job though; Aya still doesn't say anything. He just sits there, straight backed and steady. If our positions were reversed, I would be sweating like a horse. I'm sweating anyway. I'm the one taking all the risks here.

I let a good half hour pass, occasionally adjusting my position to get more comfortable. Aya never makes a move. When my patience runs out, I figure what the hell, and slowly start winding my arms through and around one of his until I'm hugging it like a kid hugs his teddy bear. I snuggle in closer. Real close. Aya tenses again but this time does not relax. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn't. He just looks down at me for a moment—I can feel his eyes on me—and then turns back to the screen.

Ten minutes pass. Aya is still tense. It can't be good for him. But he hasn't said 'go away' and he hasn't pushed me off. I take it as a sign.

"Aya…" I whisper, and when he turns to look at me I am right in his face, an inch away at most.

He tries not to gasp, tries not to make any noise that will tip me off to how surprised he is.

I smile, my big goofy grin. "This doesn't have to be one-sided, ya know." I say, giving him the chance to make a move.

He just stares at me, his eyebrows knitting together but not scowling the way I often remember them.

"Still need some encouragement?"

He doesn't answer, but I almost think his eyes look scared.

I'll show him there's nothing to be afraid of. "Here…" I say, and I move in close enough to brush my lips against his chin, moving but not really kissing with a trail along his jaw and to his cheek. I start to move the trail towards his mouth but pull back before getting there.

Aya looks flushed, pink, but still scared and silent.

"Still need more, huh?" I lean in again, heading straight for his lips.

I stop just out of reach of them, held back by his free arm. It came out of nowhere, but suddenly it has a grip on my shoulder, holding me in place. Before I can say something to protest or question this, that hand leaves my shoulder to moves to my face. I'm so focused on Aya's eyes and how they still look scared but aren't knitted so tightly anymore, that I almost miss how much his hand is shaking when he takes hold of my face and pulls me in.

He kisses lighter and sweeter than I ever dreamed. He's hesitant and clumsy. He hasn't done this all that much, not like me. I was no Youji, that's for sure, but the way Aya kisses almost has me thinking this is the first time anyone's ever tasted his lips before. Ever.

No spontaneous sex, but this…I could get used to this.

I understand now that if this is going to go any further, it's going to come from me, which I have absolutely no problem with. Aya's light little kisses are really nice, but I've been mooning over this guy for a long time now, and damn it he is kissing me on my own couch in my own apartment and no one else is around.

I deepen the kiss. All it takes is a well-angled lean, a swift slip of my tongue, and I have him. He wasn't prepared for it at all, so entrance was a breeze. I feel his tongue in smooth wet strokes with my own and Aya moans. It's such a deep sound, low in his throat and unexpected. I shiver the second I hear it.

He's kissing me back. He's still holding my face with one hand while I'm still clinging to his other arm with both of mine.

It's been a while since I've done anything like this, so the whole breathing through your nose thing bypasses me—and Aya. We break away, both panting. He doesn't pull back and neither do I. Violet eyes are the only thing in my field of vision, and I know that hazy brown is all that's in his. I kind of like it this way. Hearing his heartbeat, feeling his breath on my face, seeing the expression of mild surprise and subtle bliss. So many things about Aya are muted, soft, and simple. But he is still the most complex, most beautiful, most incredibly sexy-without-even-trying-to-be man I have ever known.

I tell him all of this and he laughs. Aya laughs, quietly and gently. Before Kryptonbrand, Aya never laughed. It makes his voice sound so soft and smooth. It makes him even sexier to me. I tell him so. He laughs again, a blush rising to his already heated cheeks. I'm seeing him like no one else has ever seen him, I realize. No one has been with him as I have, to see the changes in him over so many years.

I'm the luckiest man in the world tonight.

I pick up the remote and turn off the movie. It isn't quite to the end, but…I don't really care. Aya doesn't either. It's dark in the room now, but I can still see the faint outline of Aya's face and the indigo of his eyes. He's smiling at me. He's waiting for me. I wonder if he knows how long I've waited for him.

I decide that the best thing to do right now is to not make him wait the way I did. "Sit around being lazy, right?" I grin, leaning into him to claim that same kiss again.

"Aa." He says, in the same voice I remember from when I first met him, but with a tone that speaks of…affection. Affection for me.

I keep just out of his reach. "Hey, Aya…you know that…I couldn't live without you." It isn't really a question.

"I know, Ken." God, I love how he says my name. "You're a necessity for me too."

"Really?"

"Aa."

"The same kind of necessity?"

"It would seem that way."

My smile must be bursting off my face. "Can we keep it that way...forever?" I'm not really being serious, but I am. Aya's expression tells me that he thinks I'm being cute and silly. I guess I'm okay with that for now.

He doesn't answer me with words; he still prefers silence unless absolutely necessary. But as he tilts his head to recapture our kiss I hear his answer as if he's thought it into my head. "Whatever you want, Ken…"

This is what I want. This is just what I want. Aya. So much more than just my friend.

THE END

A/N: I wanted to post something for Valentine's Day, and KenxRan is my go-to couple, my original yaoi love affair. Sigh. Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to tell me so, or anything else. Feedback in any form is always welcome. Hope your day was filled with LOVE. See ya next ficcie (or in my current Saiyuki fic).

Crimson