Title: Mad Love (5 and 1)

Author: The Emcee

Rating: M

Pairing: Street/Gamble

Summary: There were five times that Brian told Jim that he loved and one time that Jim said it back. Slash.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: There's not a lot of Street/Gamble out there, so I decided to write this. Hope you all enjoy! R&R.

Mad Love (5 and 1)

The first time that Brian told Jim that he loved him was while they were fucking in the showers at the station.

They had just come back from their first job on the S.W.A.T. team and things didn't go as well as they had hoped. They were still green horns at it, even with all of their training and expertise, and they had screwed a few things up. Like, getting the hostage shot by the perpetrator, for one. And letting one of the accomplices get away. And so many other mistakes were made, mistakes that could have been avoided but weren't. When they got back to the department, they got their asses chewed out before they were allowed to go home.

Brian had other plans, though. He teased Jim and sent him flirty looks before stripping down and stepping into the showers. Jim, whose dick was already hard and throbbing, went after him. It wasn't the first time they fucked; Brian knew that he was a looker and he used that to his advantage whenever he was in the mood. But when Jim shoved Brian into the shower wall and kissed him with a fiery passion that rivaled those of Satan himself, a switch was flipped. Or maybe it had always been on. In the middle of Jim thrusting himself into Brian's tight heat like there was no tomorrow, the smaller man cried out, his blunt nails digging into the skin on Jim's back.

"I, ah! I fuckin'…love you!" So caught up was he that Jim didn't even realize that Brian was serious. And he definitely didn't feel the impact of those words or the weight they carried until he was coming balls deep into his partner and best friend. Not even when he felt Brian come all over his hand and slumped against the wall, Jim's own naked body pressing against him.

"You too, Brian."

Jim didn't even realize until he made it home to his girlfriend what he had said and when he did, he felt awful. Sure, he loved Brian, he was his best friend and partner, but he wasn't in love with him. What they had said had been uttered while they were in the throes of passion, so it didn't mean anything, right? Right.

…

The second time Brian told Jim that he loved him was when they were drinking at their usual bar. They had been on S.W.A.T. for a few months and they were getting better at it. Jim and Brian both loved what they did for a living and they were the perfect partners. Whereas Jim was usually the quiet, collected one, Brian was the hot head who had a mouth that could put even the loudest drama queen to shame. As friends, they were incredibly close and shared a lot. Which is why Jim thought Brian was kidding, and drunk, when he said those three little words.

"I love you, Jimbo." Jim looked at Brian, slightly surprised and somewhat shocked, before he laughed softly and shook his head.

"Sure ya do." Brian's eyes narrowed and he tensed up slightly, the way he always did whenever he knew that someone didn't believe him. Although Brian Gamble wasn't as strong as Jim, he was definitely smarter and he could read people better than anyone Jim had ever met.

"I really do, Jim." Again, Jim laughed it off, not wanting to make the conversation even more awkward and not wanting to hurt Brian by telling him that he didn't love him back. At least, not like that, or so he told himself.

"You've had one too many, Bri." Both of them knew that Brian could hold his liquor well and that neither of them had had that many. Besides, Brian's eyes were as bright as day and alert as always, which meant that he definitely wasn't drunk.

"Whatever, man." Jim was thankful that Brian let it slide, even though he felt guilty as hell for reasons he couldn't explain.

…

The third time Brian spoke the words was much like the first time.

They were at Brian's place, just chilling and talking and thinking about that day at work. Fuller had been getting on their case and had taken to bitching them out about anything and everything, even when they didn't do anything necessarily wrong. It was taking its toll on both of them and they both needed to relieve stress. So it was both welcome and a bit surprising when suddenly Brian was on him, lips crushed to his own in a bruising, sheering kiss.

Everything happened so fast. Clothing was torn away from bodies and thrown around the room. Kisses were hot, passionate, and bruising, full of teeth and need and animalistic lust. Hands roamed and groped and squeezed. Nails scratched and scraped and dug into soft flesh. And then there was Brian, his tight heat wrapping around Jim's cock, causing them both to cry out in satisfaction and passion. It was fast, hard, and rough; just what they had needed and craved after all of the bullshit. When Brian came all over Jim's hand and his stomach, Jim couldn't help but think, for just a split second, that he was beautiful. Then Jim was coming, crying out wordlessly and spilling his seed inside the man that had become so important to him.

It was during their post sex bliss that Brian sighed contentedly and spoke the words.

"I love you." Jim's heart stopped for just a split second before it started beating again. A flood of emotions bubbled up within him, all of which Jim suppressed and ignored. The last thing he wanted was to make Brian feel worse by telling him that this…whatever it was between them wasn't real. He wasn't a cold hearted person; he wasn't going to break Brian like that.

"I know you do, Bri. You too." That was enough for the smaller man, because Brian smiled at him and cuddled closer to Jim's warm body. It made Jim feel both very happy and very guilty.

…

The fourth time Brian told Jim that he loved him was during a fight. A very bad, very loud fight that had occurred at Brian's apartment and had erupted seemingly out of nowhere.

Jim had been having a bad day, even though it was his day off, and his girlfriend hadn't been making things any easier. So when Brian called him up and wanted to know if he was up for hanging out, watching a movie, and drinking some beer, Jim jumped up, grabbed his jacket, and left his place. He was relieved to get away and more than thankful that Brian was his best friend because Jim's girlfriend couldn't stand him and she never bitched or complained when Brian called or was around. And he did miss just hanging out with the man, just the two of them.

An hour or so after he had arrived at Brian's, the blonde spoke up, his voice serious and soft, which caught Jim's attention immediately.

"You never say it." Jim raised an eyebrow at him.

"Say what?"

"That you love me. I love you, Jim, but you've never said it to me." Jim paused for a brief moment before bringing his beer to his lips.

"Brian, you know that I do. You're my partner and my best friend." Brian looked at him, anger and annoyance tinting his expression.

"But you've never said it, not even when we're joking around." Jim sighed and set his beer down.

"You know that I'm not good with words, Brian. I'd rather show you." The change in Brian's expression was heartbreaking and Jim felt bad when he pulled the smaller man closer to him for a kiss. What followed after that kiss was something of a blissful blur to Jim, but he knew that things had changed. He didn't want to lie to Brian, but he didn't want to lose him either, so he kept his mouth shut and fought from telling Brian the truth. Because when he got home later that night, smelling of sex and of Brian, Jim wondered to himself if he really was just lying to himself by saying that he wasn't in love with Brian Gamble.

…

The fifth time Brian told Jim that he loved him was when he left LAPD. It was right after their last S.W.A.T. job, the last one either of them would do, and right after Jim had been left with little to no choice about putting the blame on Brian. He never agreed to Fuller's terms and his punishment was that he'd be working in the Cage for the remainder of his days. Jim wouldn't tell Brian that, but he wouldn't go with him either. Call him a fool, but he hoped that, eventually, he'd get another shot at S.W.A.T.

"You're coming too, right?" Jim looked into Brian's eyes and his heart squeezed when he saw the love and hope shining in them, causing them to look so beautiful, so breathtaking.

"No, Brian. I'm not." Brian looked at him, shocked and dumbfounded. It broke Jim's heart.

"What? What'd you say, Jimbo?" Jim swallowed and forced himself to keep eye contact with the blonde.

"I'm not going with you, Brian. I'm staying here." Anger and betrayal warped Brian's otherwise beautiful face and Jim felt awful. He wanted to pull Brian to him and kiss away all of the hurt and pain he knew he was causing. But he didn't.

"Why the fuck not? We're partners, best friends, Jim! I love you and you love me! So why are you staying, huh?!" Brian got up in his face, anger rolling off of him in waves. Jim forced himself to speak the untrue words with as much conviction as he could, even though it broke him inside, even though he hated himself for speaking them.

"No, Brian. I don't love you. I never did." The pain in Brian's eyes was so unbearable that Jim almost crumbled. But he remained strong, even though he knew that he was being selfish. It was better this way, he kept telling himself, because it would mean that Brian could get away from Fuller's bullshit and find something else. Not better, nothing was better than S.W.A.T., but something else. And it'd allow Jim to keep his job, even if he'd loath working in the department for the rest of his days thanks to Fuller.

"Fuck you, Jim. Fuck you and fuck S.W.A.T." Brian grabbed his stuff, punched the locker, and stormed out. Jim Street would look back on that moment and remember that the largest, most important part of him died that day. Brian took the best of Jim with him and he'd never give it back. Part of Jim didn't want him to.

…

It happened too fast that Jim didn't even realize it had happened until the train had passed. His brown eyes stared wide at Brian's lifeless body, his heart beating so loudly in his chest, and tears beginning to blind his eye sight. Whatever was left of the man he had loved was now a lifeless body, the remnants of the corpse that Brian had become. And it was all his fault.

Sinking to his knees, Jim stared wide-eyed at Brian, at his crushed skull, at his limp body, and he cursed himself. All he had to do was go with Brian, leave the precinct with him and never look back, and none of this would have happened. All he had to do was tell Brian that he loved him and no one would have died, Brian wouldn't have died. All he had to do was tell Fuller to go fuck himself and everything would be fine. He'd be with Brian and Brian would be still alive and not the monstrosity he had become. But Jim hadn't done any of that. Instead, he had been a coward and a fool and had lied to Brian and himself.

Jim wanted to hold Brian again, to feel his body in his arms, but he didn't want to move Brian. He couldn't move Brian. The others would want to know why and Jim refused to tell them about his relationship with Brian. It was too special for them to know and he'd rather not violate Brian's memory any more than he already had. So, instead, Jim ran a hand down Brian's body, remembering how he had felt beneath him, remembering the good times, remembering his smile, his eyes, his laughter…

"I'm…I'm so sorry, Brian." The tears came and tumbled down his cheeks. Jim was a mess and he didn't care. Everything he had been holding back since Brian left, every emotion he had felt, came out along with his tears.

"This is my fault, Brian… All my fault… I…I'm sorry, Bri. I…I l-love you… So sorry…"

Later, much later, when Jim was at home and in bed, he dreamt of Brian, of what could have been, and he woke to find fresh tears streaming down his face.