Warning: this one shot contains mature themes and heavily focuses on miscarriage.
It's been a long while. I wanted to write out a one shot to accommodate the fic I wrote titled: His, Hers, No ones. I actually wanted to write a few one shots for this story but I decided on this. The original theme was quite heavy as well so I'm hoping this fits. As for a timeline Bella is 27, Paul is 26, Sierra is 8.
The place of broken dreams.
It had come as no surprise when the tech had left the room to "check on something". She knew the drill, Bella sighed, this was it, she had no hope left. "Maybe the machine is broken." Paul said quietly, he couldn't mask the worry and doubt in his voice. "Maybe" Bella replied sadly.
As they waited, she remembered the first time, it had been nearly a year but the memory was still so vivid. It had gone from a dream come true to a nightmare so fast. She barely had time to register what was happening. Bella suspected she was pregnant when she could no longer hold down anything solid. Paul was nervous as they arrived to their first sonogram, the ultrasound technician squished cold gel onto her flat stomach, and immediately Bella had noted her peppy demenor had changed. As the woman who looked no older than Bella had clicked and typed silently, her face became a solemn mask that Bella would never forget. She left the room and a doctor came in to explain to her and Paul that "the fetus had not developed properly" and then she went numb.
There were forms and pamphlets about procedures and pills, there were questions about what would make her comfortable and Bella just moved moment to moment, doing her best not to fall apart because these things sometimes happened and she had to keep her head up for Paul. It scared her but somewhere beneath the grief there was still hope, how naive she thought as she looked over at Paul.
They waited in silence for the tech to fetch a doctor, Paul squeezed her hand gently, she couldnt meet his eyes, she had failed him again and it hurt too much to see the disappointment and pain again.
—
As the years went by and the world continued to spin and the lives around them continued on she felt stuck even with Paul beside her she felt alone. Sierra was camping with Jake and Amanda for the week, Bella locked herself away in the spare room, she didn't cry, she physically couldn't, she refused to even be excited about it this time around, those two blue lines she had prayed for had appeared instantly. Bella knew though, she knew deep in her soul that this was not her fate, she could feel it. She thought that this was punishment from the gods, all of them, especially those who had determined and mapped out the futures of the shape shifters, mainly Paul's. She was not meant to have his children, she was beginning to accept this fate.
Paul had done his best to reassure her, this time it would be okay. Bella smiled sadly, knowing it wasn't. They had made it to 16 weeks, much farther than the other times. The first two ultrasounds had been okay, great even. They had heard their baby's heart beat, she had dared to hope and now, as this awful feeling in her gut continued to worsen she could feel that tiny life inside her fading.
She had a nightmare of red eyed monsters hovering, as if they'd smelled fresh blood. Bella jolted awake with pains she had never experienced before, Paul flicked on the lamp and scrambled to his feet. "No." He shook his head as he looked over to where she had been lying on the bed. "No, no, no." His voice shook as he did his best to control his emotions. He helped her get up and change from her pjs, she didn't want to look but she could smell the blood, she knew there would be a lot. Bella felt another sharp pain, the trip to the hospital was a blur. The nurses had carefully handed her this very tiny, little baby. A girl. Bella hadn't realized she was crying until Paul wiped her eyes. "She's beautiful." He said, Bella nodded, she was beautiful. She hadn't lived, not even a breath outside of her mother, they decided to name her Shiloh, Bella had read somewhere that it meant peace, she hoped and prayed to whatever god was listening that their daughter was at peace.
Paul watched as Bella folded the tiny blanket, hat and outfit the hospital had given to them along with a small box that also contained a hospital bracelet, pictures of each of them cradling Shiloh. There was a lump caught in his throat that he refused to swallow. They left, he could barely remember the drive home, he just knew he felt empty and so unsure about where they would go from here. Bella had gone straight to the spare room, he followed her.
"I'm sorry." she said it so quietly he wasnt sure she said it all. "This is all my fault, if i had just..." she shook her head sadly as she sat down on the bed. Paul moved toward her. "Bella this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong." He knelt down in front of her, he was so scared to move or say the wrong thing but she had to know that it wasnt her fault. "Baby look at me, please." he pleaded with her. Bella did look at him, it terrified him because he knew she was completely lost, hollowed out and he was afraid in that moment that she might never come back. "I love you and I promise you we will get through this as a family." She blinked and focused but said nothing. Paul held her through the night. The house was quiet, Sierra was with Charlie and Sue, he couldnt sleep no matter how tired he felt, there was an overwhelming sense of unease and he didnt want to leave Bella.
When he finally did sleep he dreamed about Rachel, it had been years since he dreamt of her. It felt different, she approached him cautiously, a little boy at her side. They kept looking behind them and soon a giant grey wolf appeared from nowhere. Somewhere behind them he could hear what sounded like children playing and a baby cooing, he knew those were his children. Rachel stood in front of him, she put her hand on his face, she felt warm and real. Without saying anything he knew they were all okay, she smiled sadly at him before disappearing with their son.
Paul woke up alone, he scrambled out of bed annoyed at himself for falling asleep. The house was still quiet. "Bella?" he called out to her, she didnt answer and he began to panic. Paul quietly opened the door to Sierra's room, Bella was asleep in her bed cuddling up to her stuffed animals. Relieved she was there, he decided to let her sleep. Paul called Charlie to bring back Sierra, he thought maybe she was who Bella needed right now, she was who they both needed right now.
The moment Sierra got home felt okay again, not great but not horrible. It was a long time before Bella would talk about it, she always managed a positive attitude but he could hear her cry at night when she thought he was asleep. Deep down he knew there wasnt anything he could do or say for her but he tried. He never suggested that they try again, it wouldn't have been right. Paul loved her but not even he could take her pain away, not even he could pull her from the dark place she was in.
He remembered the day he went home and she was gone, her things were gone and he just dropped to the floor and sobbed, he hadnt thought about Sierra being right there, she did her best to comfort him before she called her uncle Jake. Paul was broken and he knew that Bella had to feel so much worse. He gave her space but it killed him every time he walked back through his front door knowing she wouldnt be there. It was about a month after she left that he came home to find her sitting out front waiting for him. She looked frail and hollow it scared him but he took slow and careful steps toward her, neither said a word Paul wrapped his arms around her and hoped she understood with that embrace that he needed her, he too was hurting and broken. Bella sobbed loudly, he knew she needed him too. Silently he picked her up and carried her back inside their home it wasn't okay now but he knew one day it would be and that had to be enough.
AN: Alright I know that was a heavy one shot and I would like to take this time to say thank you for the kind words, for favouriting and following this fic, its been years and I still appreciate coming back to this site.