Rooker was walking through his local forest, carrying his Remington Model 783 Bolt-Action Rifle looking for some terrorists to assert his freedom bullets upon when he got tired. Slinging his rifle over his shoulder he sat down on the ground up against a tree and quickly dozed off. After what felt like several hours, but, was around half a minute, Rooker sat up and looked around him. No longer was he in his usual terrorist hunting spot in the local woods, but instead he was inside some kind of giant orchard for apples.
"No." Rooker heard a voice say, not too far off. "Nope. Nope." Rooker set off to find the source of this voice as it continued with its affirmations of its displeasure. However, as he embarked on his epic quest, another voice spoke up.
"Thank you kindly, Twilight, for helping me out." The mysterious voice said. Rooker ignored the rest of its words as he pondered to himself.
'Twilight? What is this a high school playground?' Rooker shook these thoughts out of his head and continued to listen to the conversation as he grew closer and closer.
"No problem at all, Applejack." A new voice said, Rooker once again ignored the rest of its words as his mind wandered.
'Applejack? Now I'm at a bar all of a sudden?' Shaking these thoughts out of his head, Rooker once again snooped on the conversation as he was certain he was mere moments away from finding them.
"You've been lounging on my back all morning while we worked." As the mysterious stranger spoke these words Rooker emerged from behind a tree and was shocked to his very core at what he saw. Well, not truthfully, he was a brave and strong American, and nothing could surprise him!
"Stop right there!" Rooker shouted as he pulled his rifle off his shoulder and aimed it at the two… horses and weird lizard thing.
"Wot in tarnation?!" The orange one with a cowboy hat asked whipping around to face Rooker.
"What in Celestia's name is that?!" The lizard boy asked pointing a claw at Rooker.
"I am a Human!" Rooker shouted proudly. "I'm a citizen of the greatest country in the whole Universe, The United States of America!"
"Never heard of it." The purple one with pink highlights in its hair said flatly.
"You dare insult the great United States!?" Rooker yelled angrily before calming down. "No matter. You must simply be from a different world, where freedom doesn't exist."
"Uh, actually we- " The orange one tried to speak but Rooker interrupted them.
"Well worry no longer my colored equine friends!" Rooker shouted. "I am an American, which means it's my duty to spread FREEDOM and AMERICA wherever I go!"
"That's really not necessa-" This time the orange one was interrupted by very loud and distorted trumpets.
"On this day, I decree, that this new land belongs to the United States of America!" Rooker shouted over the very loud music emanating from his pocket. "…as soon as I file the correct paperwork for it to become a territory and after several months of economic growth and prosperity maybe it'll become a state, I dunno."
Rooker's three subjects were too busy plugging their ears to listen to him. As the last bit of music blasted through the trees, Rooker placed his right hand over his heart as a single tear of patriotism rolled down his cheek. Once the music died down, Rooker planted his flagpole into the dirt before pulling out and unfolding his flag from… somewhere.
"Who even are you!?" The purple one asked unplugging its ears.
"Have you not been listening!?" Rooker shouted as he raised his flag up the pole. "I'm a citizen of the-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. United States of wherever! What I mean is why are you here!?"
"Why? Why that's simple. It appears God has granted me the right to claim this land for my country, in the new age of Manifest Destiny!" Rooker exclaimed spreading his arms out as wide as he could.
The purple one opened its mouth to speak but was interrupted by a new voice.
"What's with all the racket? I was trying to take a nap!" Rooker looked towards this new voice and saw another horse, this one blue with amazingly awesometacular rainbow colored hair.
"Cool hair." Rooker said, pointing to its hair.
"Thanks, cool… wait WHAT?!" The blue one exclaimed launching itself off the ground, flapping its wings to stay afloat.
"Oh, wings." Rooker said staring at the flying horse. "Guess that's a thing."
"Uh, Twilight, what the heck is going on here?!" Rainbow hair asked its purple companion.
"I have no idea!" The purple one, or as Rooker now assumed, Twilight responded.
"Well to me it all sounds like a bunch of nonsense!" Cowboy orange said.
"Sounds to me like he's invading Equestria or something." Dragon boy said.
"Well if that's the case I say we kick his sorry flank back to wherever he came from!" Rainbow hair said punching the air with its hooves.
"I came from-" Rooker started to shout but was interrupted by the original three.
"The United States of America, we know."
"Well regardless of where he's from, lets kick him back there!" Rainbow hair began to fly at a high speed towards Rooker, who simply readied his rifle.
"You don't want freedom? Fine! I'll just have to shove it down your throat!" Rooker shouted, taking aim as the blue horse grew closer and closer.
"That's enough!" Twilight shouted as Rainbow hair stopped where it was and began hanging in the air by its tail which was now glowing purple. "Attacking this… human… will get us nowhere. So far, all its done is be loud, rude and obnoxious, all of which are annoying, but none of which should be met with violence."
"Fine." Rainbow hair conceded before falling onto the ground as the purple aura disappeared.
"Now, as for you…" Twilight said walking towards Rooker. "What the heck is going on!?"
"Honestly?" Rooker asked slinging his rifle around his shoulder. "No idea. I fell asleep in my local woods, woke up here."
"What?" Twilight asked stopping. "That's it?"
"Yep, woke up here and decided to follow your voices. Found you and now I'm assimilating you into my country." Rooker said.
"Well our country is just fine!" Rainbow hair exclaimed flying up into Rooker's face. "So why don't you head on back to your country!"
"You know what?" Rooker said lowering his flag from his pole. "Maybe I will!"
"Good!" Rainbow hair shouted as Rooker folded his flag and put it away.
"Just point me to the nearest forest, so I can try and find another portal or whatever the fuck and go home!" Rooker shouted.
"Language!" Twilight shouted covering what Rooker assumed to be the dragon boy's ears.
"Follow me." Rainbow hair shouted shooting off into the sky.
After a short and uneventful journey, save for literally everyone in the town being a horse, the group of various sapient beings arrived at the edge of the forest.
"Well, good luck. You'll probably die because of how dangerous the forest is." Rainbow hair said pushing Rooker into the woods.
"Hah!" Rooker exclaimed turning to face Rainbow hair. "We Americans are hardy people, born and raised on the frontier of the American wilderness! We turned a vast landscape of nothingness into a sprawling utopia of awesomeness!" Rooker paused to put a hand on his chin. "Well it was almost nothingness, we killed a couple million of the natives but let's not get into that right now."
"Uh, alrighty then. I'm officially done with you." Rainbow hair said.
"Fine, I didn't want to talk to you anymore either!" Rooker said as the blue horse returned to her friends further away from the forest.
"Listen, America-" Twilight started to say before being interrupted.
"Rooker, call me Rooker."
"Right, Rooker, this might not be a good idea."
"Hah! You dare doubt me!?"
"Well no, but actually yes… you see this is an alien world to you. You might be used to wildlife in your world but ours is probably completely different. You could die!"
"You don't think I can handle it? Give me the name of one animal in this forest. I'll go in there, kill one, and bring it back to you." Rooker said boastfully.
"Hah, yeah right!" Rainbow hair said, flying back up to Rooker. "Tell you what, you kill a Timberwolf and then maybe I'll start taking you seriously. But since that's not going to happen…"
"You've got yourself a deal!" Rooker said before turning on his heel and marching into the forest.
"Rooker, wait! Do you even know what a Timberwolf is?" Twilight asked.
"Sounds like a wolf made of timber to me." Rooker responded still marching into the dark and ominous forest.
"He's gonna die." Dragon boy said before burping out a green flame and a letter.
Bam! The worst Human in Equestria story you'll ever read. Is it going to get better? Probably not. Will I even continue it? Probably not.