Sometimes Hidan wondered if it were possible to die of boredom. After all, he'd seen people die of less; hunger, thirst, angry housewives, although the last was more believable, he still couldn't accept someone could die so pitifully. Worshipping Jashin~Sama had its perks and all, but right now, as he stood listening to Pein give a speech about taxes, he desperately wished to be mortal.
Across the room, Deidara was nearly in tears. Taxes? What did he care about taxes? There was nothing neither fleeting nor beautiful about sacrificing one's own hard earned income to the government, which in this case was Pein. Seriously, did he really expect them to care? What he wouldn't do for his day…
Inside Tobi's head, he was blissfully ignorant to the outside world. He'd literally escaped to his own little alternate reality, where the grass was candy and chocolate ran through the rivers like veins of liquid joy. Tobi skipped over to a dark cloud in the distance that had a big frowny face on it, and he pet every bunny rabbit along the way. Beneath the cloud, Itachi sat at the center of a withered ring of candy flowers.
"Aww, is Ita~San brooding again?" Tobi cooed.
"Leave me alone so I may angst and cut my wrists," Tobi's mind Itachi grumbled, scribbling down poetry furiously in a black journal that said "HATE" in bold purple and red letters.
"But Ita~san, don't you wanna play?"
"Leave me before I read my sappy love stories to you in overdramatic voice tones."
"Does Itachi need a hug?" Tobi lunged forward.
Itachi stared stolidly at Pein while having the strangest sensation that he should kick Tobi in the face. He and Kisame exchanged a quick glance, then a nod.
Kisame was so happy he could've started dancing. Itachi was actually going to go through with Operation: Skip Pein's Taxation Meeting. Nearly all the Akatsuki were in on it, but Itachi had to set things into motion before they could have any fun. The signal traveled around the room in a ripple, and by two's the Akatsuki privy to the plan escaped.
Pein watched in surprise as his Akatsuki disappeared team by team until only he, Konan, and Tobi remained. A sound like snoring coming from Tobi's general direction was a good hint as to why he hadn't deserted too.
"Where is my organization?" He thundered. Tobi squeaked and teetered on one foot before plunging over the edge of the statue. A highly exaggerated dust cloud puffed up from the impact sight, which was created in his image.
"Oh! Are we going already?"
"Going where Tobi?"
"Paintball, but we'll saw we sensed something, so…bye!"
"Paintball?" Pein asked dumbfounded, "Why would they skip to go play paintball?" He turned to Konan, who had dawned a paintball mask and was wielding a paintball gun in each hand.
"Crash?"
"Crash."
The Akatsuki were dividing into teams, and they had no idea they were being watched.
"Sorry I'm late guys!" Tobi bounced out of the trees behind the group, a squirrel perched casually on his head.
"Where were you?" Hidan yelled.
"It doesn't matter," Itachi intervened.
"Itachi's right, let's just het started already," Kisame agreed. Deciding that it wasn't worth the trouble, the Akatsuki remained in their usual squads.
Team Uchiha stalked through the woods like cats. They made sure not to make a single sound as they slipped up behind their target, Team Art. Itachi climbed a tree, and Kisame watched him carefully. Itachi held up three fingers, the two, then one, and then zero.
A salvo of bullets exploded on Sasori and Deidara. Itachi ran swiftly in a circle around them, so fast no one could track the direction of the bullets.
"For money!" Kakuzu and Hidan somersaulted behind Itachi and Kisame. Paintballs rained down on them, and they were joined by Team Art in the assault. Team Awesome lobbed paint grenade after paint grenade into the crowd. By the time the chaos ended, the clearing was a mess of paint of every color in the spectrum.
Konan hovered out of sight above the Akatsuki. Pein had stationed his bodies around the group, and all that remained was for Konan to give the signal.
Team Zetsu strode into the clearing while Team Lollipop bounded past him.
"Did we miss something?" Black Zetsu ground out.
"Yes." The voice of Pein, their leader, reverberated off the trees around them.
"But we won't," Konan concluded. A hail fire of bullets rained down upon the Akatsuki. The Akatsuki, being caught off guard, could not avoid the barrage of tiny projectiles. When the war drew to an end, every inch of the clearing was a thick fluid mess.
"Team Akatsuki wins," Pein announced stolidly. Itachi and Pein walked towards each other as if in slow motion, and they stopped about three feet away from each other.
"Rematch?" Itachi suggested monotonously. Pein held his gaze.
"Rematch." In a flash, both captains had disappeared to fight another battle.
"So…do we join in?" Hidan stared stupidly about himself.
"No," Konan deadpanned, "clean up this mess."