Because It Hurts, a kingdom hearts fanfic

A/N: This is what happens when two friends fight. This is what comes from my brain when I think I've lost one of the most important people in my life, even if they have changed over the past year. This is to Sarah, to help her understand what I am going through. I also thank Destini and my An-chan for helping me through the hard times. Will it all get better? I hope so. Why? Because it hurts. Hence the title. I know you are all patiently awaiting the next chapter of Stolen, it shall be completed soon.

I have no need to own Kingdom Hearts. It already owns me.

I have a major problem. I hate myself. But hating myself is not the problem. The person making me hate myself is my problem. That can't be good friendship, can it? I mean, I'm ... I'm never good enough for him, it seems. His expectations are just too high!

I sat on my bed, staring the ceiling down with one of my most heated glares, fisting my red spikes in frustration. I was going somewhere with him tomorrow. Can I remember where? I think not. A sigh issued from my mouth and my eyes grow even heavier. Wouldn't it be so much the easier if I just ... explained myself to him? Yeah right. I can just imagine the look on his face.

"Hey, Roxas. I love you more then the flames that ... dance on the beach under a .. starry sky?" I tried, the words sounding almost foreign over my tongue. I slapped my forehead. I would really need to work on the wording if I were even to remotely hint at my feelings. I groaned and rolled over onto my side, fixing my glare on the wall facing me.

"Ah, Axel, there you are! I thought you forgot about today!"

His voice sounds like angels playing their harps and I am no more then a petty beggar, starving for food. I sighed and stood from my bed, not even realizing I was only in my boxers. I stared down at him and grabbed him by the wrist, turning him around to face me. Taking a deep breath, I forced him, back down, onto the bed that I had just left, landing on top of him with my hips lingering partially above his, knees on either side of his abdomen as I straddled him. One hand is down there by his perfect blonde locks while the other is stationed firmly on his chest so he doesn't think of trying to go anywhere. His expression of befuddlement is one of the cutest I have ever seen and it makes me fall even harder for the boy.

"A-Axel? What are you doing?" He asked, gazing at me as though I were just some circus act that he was trying to decode. Smoke and mirrors, Roxas. that's all I am, isn't it? A smirk cracked my lips as love and longing filled my eyes. I know he could feel my ... need as he squirmed slightly before falling limp.

"I really, truly thought I was the blind one. Are you sure you haven't noticed before?" I teased, lowering my lips to brush against his ear. He took a quick gasp of breath as I continued. "Are you sure you haven't noticed the way I look at you? Have you not noticed how much I would do for you, even if the things I do don't add up to be enough?"

"What are you talking about Axel?"

"I'm talking about the fact that I love you. I know it will never be returned, but I just want you to know that I love you."

"But I already knew that." He stated, sending my eyes to their full extent and making me lean back to look at him. There was an uncharacteristic grin placed on his perfect lips and it made me want to melt but my surprise outweighed any other thoughts. Already .. knew? So ... "I know you love me, Axel."

I almost jumped when I felt his hand snake up behind my neck where it pulled me down to eye level. "Who knows? Maybe I love you back." His lips pressed softly against mine -dusting so softly that it made me wonder how he could have so much ... control- as his other hand drew shapes on my back. First a circle. A square, triangle, a squigglely line that were followed by a tiny heart. When he ended the point and I didn't think I could take much more of his slight teasings, I felt him press his lips fuller on mine. I couldn't help the moan of joy that shattered my body and caused him to giggle. He forced me over so he was on top, staring down at me with those swimming oceans of cerulean. My hips bucked slightly at his weight on them and I felt a burning in my stomach as he continued his shape-drawing there.

My eyes shot open to reveal the room I had just left. I sat up and gazed around my room, expecting half-heartedly to see the blonde huddled next to me. But I knew it had all been a dream; the sweat that lined my brow and the bulge in my boxers proved that theory. I whimpered lightly in the morning brightness that flitted in through my broken blind. I couldn't go back to sleep, both for fear of the dream and the fact that I still needed to get ready for my love. I just about smacked my head off the roof when the phone broke through the silence of my heavy breathing. I hobbled out from under the covers and snatched the ringing annoyance on its third or fourth buzz.

"Hullo?" My voice can't really be that groggy, can it?

"Axel? Why does it sound like you've just woken up?"

"Erm ... Because I did?"

"Did you forget about today?"

How could I forget about going somewhere with you, my love? "No, no. I didn't forget."

"Where are we going then?"

Damn it! I knew he'd do this. Where? How am I supposed to remember so much?! "Uh ..."

"You don't remember, do you?"

Crap, crap, crap! Um... Erm ... Somewhere ... Think, damn you! So much for being the smart one! My voice faltered. "N-no." I sound so pathetic.

"Maybe I'll tell you just to forget about going at all, then, if it meant that little to you."

"NO! I mean ... I wanna go. I just ... I dunno. I forget easily. Of course it means a lot to me."

"If you say so. I'm going to give you one last chance. Where are we going today?"

I could feel a whimper breaking in my throat. But I know that I can't show him how much his tone hurts. He sounds so mad, so upset, so ... put out that I couldn't remember where we were going. Wonder what he'd say if he knew that the reason I didn't know where we were going was because I was too over-joyed just to be going with him, alone, in the first place. That's it! ... It was somewhere ... that seemed like a ... date? Date... Where did c-couples go on dates? Out to lunch? Nah. Not today. Amusement park? Nope. None in town. I held back my growl of frustration.

"A hint?" I pleaded, my eyebrows raising despite he fact that visual effects were worthless. A sigh on the other end made me grimace.

"Axel, we are going to the movies."

I grimaced again, my face contorting into an unhealthy scrunch. He said each word with a slow drawl, specifying the fact that I was so much more dumb than he. He had spoken with an air of someone speaking to a person with brain damage that couldn't process large words. That was all I was to him, wasn't it? A retarded idiot who couldn't do anything right. Did he not realize that the reason I couldn't do anything right was because I was trying just so hard to please him that I over-did it and failed. I failed at everything I did because it was all for him.

"I knew that. I'm sorry, Roxas."

"Whatever. Thought I meant more to you then that. But apparently not since you can't even remember what we were doing."

I cringed once more, tears brimming somewhere behind my emerald orbs. "You mean everything to me, Roxas. Again, I'm sorry. It just slipped my mind." I was shocked at how calm my voice sounded as my resolve was starting to shatter.

"Whatever. It's not like it matters. Just meet me there in ten minutes, okay? Can you remember that?"

"I think I can. How hard could it be? Ten minutes at the theatres? I'll be there."

"It's a date."

The line went dead in my grasp. A ... d-date? Date? ... I slammed my head against the wall. Such an idiot I truly am.

"God damn it, Roxas, I love you!"

I ran into the bathroom, aggressively attacking my teeth with the sharp bristles of my brush before jumping into the clothes that I had been smart enough to lay out the previous night. Grabbing a cereal bar for breakfast, I jumped down the flight of stairs and off towards the theatre a few blocks away.

"Ah, Axel, there you are!" Roxas waved from the doorway, early as always. I couldn't help but feel the sense of deja vu wash over me as I skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Date?" I couldn't help but gasp out. He raised his eyebrow at me. "You know. You said, "it's a date.'"

"Yeah. As in the saying, 'it's a date.' You can be a complete idiot sometimes."

I didn't let the hurt I was feeling cross my face and instead gave him a toothy grin that was too large for my face. "I knew that. I was just wondering. Geez. So touchy you can be, my little Roxas." And so I followed him into the dark theatre beyond like a love-sick puppy, pushing the dream out of my head even though my stomach burned in the familiar fashion that it did whenever I was around him. The burning of lust, longing, compassion, and love. I didn't bother to tell him how much I cared for him. I didn't just because it hurts. Besides, I'm sure he already knows, deep down in that cold, bleak heart of his.

The End

A/N: Did it get through to you, Sarah? This is my present to you. Happy Fucking Birthday. Do you understand why we have our problems? It's just because I don't wanna end up jumping you is all. And now you are probably mad at me for stating it so the whole of Fanfiction can see.

To those that are not the intended victim, Thank you for reading. Wanna tell me what you think? I always love getting feedback, even on random stuff like this. Lurve you all! Extra love to An-chan.

Strip for me as I strip for. I've got nothing to hide.