Strax is, by far, one of the greatest "Doctor Who" characters (after the Eleventh Doctor, of course), and I decided to try my hand at writing a goofy story for him. I'm quite proud of how this turned out, and I hope you enjoy it.
And the characters and such are property of…whoever owns "Doctor Who".
Strax and the Case of the Apocalyptic Letter
Strax had really not expected his morning to take the turn that it had, and yet, here he was, nevertheless, locked once again in an intense struggle against his greatest nemesis since becoming a butler to a sentient lizard and her scrawny boy companion. Even when the odds should have been in favor of the burly Sontaran, he could feel his strength giving out and a rather uncomfortable cramp coming on.
And he was really beginning to think grenades were in order.
Strax gritted his teeth as he continued to fight with the lid of the pickle jar with a dogged determination only a Sontaran could muster. On a dozen occasions and more, he had struggled with that jar, and it had somehow managed to humiliate him every single time. If only Madame Vastra allowed the use of explosives inside the house (or outside, for that matter), he would have surely restored his honor long ago.
"Ridiculous human craftsmanship!" he said when the lid refused to budge despite even his best efforts. "Sontaran containers were never this difficult to open!"
"Oh, for heaven's sake," a voice said, and the battle between warrior and jar ended when Jenny tugged the object from his grasp and twisted off the lid with a pop.
"I did not require help from a puny, weak-armed boy!" Strax said as he snatched the jar back to himself. With a pause, he continued, "Is there anything I can assist you with this morning?"
"Actually, there is one thing." Jenny riffled about in one pocket of her dress before producing a letter, already sealed in an envelope. "Madame Vastra wanted you to deliver this letter for her. She said it was urgent."
The Sontaran took the letter and gazed closely at it, as if attempting to see through to the words inside. "And what exactly are the contents of this letter?"
"She didn't say. All I know is it's important, and she wants it delivered as soon as possible."
He turned from her to set the conquered pickle jar upon the counter and flipped the letter over to inspect the other side, though he came no closer to surmising any clue to what hid within. "Surely you must know something. If I'm bound and tortured for what this letter contains—"
"You're not going to be tortured!"
"—I would at least like to know what I may have to lay down my life for."
"Like I said, I don't have a clue what it's about, but I'm certain it's nothin' anyone needs to die over."
"It's thanks to people like you that there are fewer wars," Strax said with a frown before slipping the letter into his coat pocket and returning the jar to the cupboard.
"That's it?" Jenny asked as the Sontaran marched by her on the way to the front door. "You put all that effort into gettin' that open, and you're not even going to have any?"
He stopped to consider her and raised his eyebrows as if that was a very inane question indeed. "I did not actually desire any of those ridiculous 'pickles'. I merely wished to assert my superiority to that blasted jar, which I would have done, if you hadn't so thoughtlessly intervened."
"Well, I'm sorry I helped."
"You are forgiven. But, if you'll excuse me, I have some very important business to attend to." He turned to continue out the room, only to stop again in the doorway. "And if I'm not back by midnight, let Madame Vastra know she need not mourn for me."
"You're not going to die!"
Straw left their shared home on Paternoster Row with the post as his next destination. The air was biting with mid winter upon them, though he was comfortable enough with his usual overcoat, for just as the Sontarans had been bred to withstand the glorious brutality of war, so, too, were they trained to ignore the kinds of things lesser beings so often complained about, such as sickening sniveling over toes lost to frostbite. (Plus, the circumference of his neck simply wouldn't allow for a scarf. Not to mention that he'd look absolutely silly in such attire.)
The humans stared as he strode by, which was nothing new, and though he received more of this when he travelled by foot, he was in no mood to tolerate the incompetence of their horse, and pulling a carriage oneself really defeated the purpose of the whole idea. He caught snippets of the various drivel humans so commonly engaged in, and he read the signs of businesses that he passed, taking note of the ice cream shop on his way by. If he managed to survive this whole ordeal, perhaps he would stop by for more of those sherbet fancies he so enjoyed. No one had to know. And for the strangest reason, the shop master often just gave them away when he threatened the human with physical violence.
As he made his way down one cobblestone street after another, he caught a voice that came to him louder than the rest, and he traced it to its source, a scraggly, old human in a threadbare coat and bushy beard who was busy wailing at anyone he thought might listen and grabbing at the coats of those who passed too close.
"The world's about t' end!" he said. "Armageddon's comin', and you're all goin' t' rot!"
Strax approached the wretch with purpose, and while the human drew back at his advance, he could not prevent the Sontaran from grabbing him by the collar of his coat and shaking him hard enough that he flopped about bonelessly.
"Where did you come by this information?" he said into the human's face and gave him another shake for good measure. "Speak, you frail and strong-smelling woman!"
His victim was suddenly stricken mute, though he opened and closed his mouth several times, but without any words actually leaving him, forcing the Sontaran to continue the conversation himself.
"Who told you this puny planet was coming to an end? Is an invasion at hand?" Strax turned his gaze skyward. "Is the moon in some way responsible...?"
But, the human refused even now to reveal his sources, instead devolving into pitiful shrieks for help that no one dared provide, and the Sontaran's mind turned to more drastic measures of forcing the miscreant to talk that he was more than willing to make good on, until his victim's struggling caused him to slip free of his grip, leaving Strax with little more than a filth-encrusted, ragged coat clutched in his fists. The human fell to the ground in his haste, only to jump to his feet and make a wild dash into the crowd as the Sontaran made to pursue him.
"Get back here, you vagrant!" Strax said, shoving aside anyone that got in his way. "I will crush your fragile body to dust!"
This only seemed to spur the human on all the more, until he staggered to a stop and stared back at his pursuer with such a wide-eyed gaze, one would think a Dalek was after him. Or, of course, a Sontaran.
The next thing Strax knew, he was hit in the face with something cold, and he wiped snow from his eyes with a snarl, only to be struck several times more, and he spluttered and growled in outrage, but by the time his vision was cleared, he saw no sign of the one who had just accosted him, and he ran over to where the scoundrel had just been, but as hard as he searched, the snow was marred by too many footprints to count, and the tossing of several trash bins revealed nothing out of the ordinary. One more thorough sweep of the area, along with questioning of any humans he could get his hands on, none of whom had anything useful to provide, and he at last decided that the human he sought was thoroughly lost to him.
Strax gasped as a thought struck him, and he pulled the letter from his coat and stared down at it. Of course, it all made sense now. Madame Vastra wanted this letter delivered with all due haste because it concerned this world's imminent destruction. Surely if a scraggly human was aware of such a tragedy, she would have been on the case long ago. And yet, she hadn't even shared this knowledge with Jenny.
"I must not make her bear this burden alone," the Sontaran said to no one in particular. "I must investigate this matter at once!" With a pause, he added, "The game's afoot." And it was indeed.
Returning the letter to the safety of his coat, he set out to interrogate anyone he could find that looked mildly less moronic than the rest, which narrowed his choices down drastically, but no matter whom he spoke to, whether it be those he passed on the street, or the local shopkeepers, or the constable who looked at him with suspicion when he was the one under questioning, he came no closer to unveiling the mystery surrounding that human's cryptic wailing or the letter whose contents even now remained unknown to him. But, Strax knew the reptile didn't take kindly to anyone poking into affairs that did not concern them, and so he had no choice but to resist the urge to satisfy his curiosity and take a look at the letter himself.
Many hours passed since the advent of his mission, and the Sontaran was finding it rather mystifying that the humans appeared to be completely unaware of the imminent destruction of their planet, and as he wandered the city streets, he pondered where Madame Vastra had even learned of such a thing and why it seemed the only two who had access to such knowledge were herself and that fiend who had assaulted him with projectiles of snow.
Strax stopped in his tracks at an intersection, one path leading off down a street he didn't recall ever travelling before, and he glared at a mangy canine that bore a ridiculous look on its face.
"What? What do you want?" he asked, but it refused to respond. "What is it? How does it go…'cat got your tongue'?" He barked out a laugh. Excellent use of what the humans call "humor", Strax. He looked about himself, only to find that no one had paid any mind to his joke. "Fools," he said under his breath.
And yet, when he returned his attention to the beast in question, it remained as silent as ever, and he huffed before striding towards it with heavy footfalls. "Answer me when I talk to you…" he stopped and stared down at the creature with a most sour frown, "girl. Come now, speak!"
It continued to grin up at him, its tongue hanging out in a most impolite manner, before letting out a single woof, and the Sontaran drew back open-mouthed.
"How dare you address me in such a manner! I'll have you know I'm a nu- Eh, I hail from the mighty Sontaran Empire, and we do not tolerate such insolence from lesser beings such as yourself, especially of a sort that drags its belly upon the ground on all fours! Speak! What have you to say to that?"
The creature woofed again, and Strax growled and pulled out the letter to shake it at the quadruped before him. "Do you have something to hide? Speak!"
Another woof, and he continued his efforts at interrogation with doubled vigor. "What do you know about the end of this world? You're not fooling anyone! I know that you know, and if you won't provide me with the information I need, I will make your demise even more painful than what it will be otherwise! Do you understand me?" Strax gritted his teeth at the silence that greeted him. "Speak. Now."
All he received was another enthusiastic woof, and he cried out in dismay, doubly more when the canine jumped up to snatch the letter in its mouth and fled. Strax's mouth hung open at so bold a display. "Why, you revolting, tick-infested…"
Again, the Sontaran found himself in his second pursuit that day (unless chasing the human young that had laughed at him counted, which, in that case, make it five), this one the most infuriating yet when the beast stopped on multiple occasions, only to take off running again as soon as he drew near. All the while, his obscenities strengthened the longer he was forced to engage in such humiliation, and they were strongest of all once the mutt at last dropped the letter and disappeared around the next street corner.
Strax slowed to a stop and stooped to pick up the crumpled and damp letter by the corner, and he cringed at the teeth marks so readily apparent on its surface. Well, it was still highly unlikely Madame Vastra would ever find out what he had allowed to happen to her letter, and there really were more important matters at hand than whether or not the envelope was aesthetically pleasing when there was sure to be a full-scale invasion of this planet any day now.
He sighed as he tucked the letter back into his coat, vowing not to remove it again until he had reached the post, lest any more harm befall it, but as he looked about himself, he realized he truly had never ventured down that street where he had first laid eyes upon that mangy, canine thief, and they had made so many turns, he hadn't a clue where he was, and the sun was beginning to set and the sky to darken. It was fortunate, then, that Sontarans were bred to possess excellent directional skills, and he was sure to be back on the correct route before the hour was up.
Four more hours passed, and Strax couldn't understand why it seemed his Sontaran aptitude for finding his way around had only succeeded in getting him even more lost than ever. (Well, not lost, but he certainly knew where he was in relation to the post far less than he did earlier.) By now, the sun was long gone, and the narrow alley he had found himself in was lit by nothing more than starlight and the trash bins the particularly filthy humans in this sector had lit ablaze to fight off the frigid winter night. Of course, Strax was not cold (he could no longer feel his toes, but that was certainly nothing to fret over), but with a less than successful investigation and the day at an end, it was really high time he completed his appointed task and returned home for the night.
And yet, when he was forced to ask for directions from the pathetic wretches still out at this hour, he met with little success even then, and all he got for his efforts was an outraged slap to the face, courtesy of a pair of scantily clad humans whom wouldn't allow him to venture much further than, what he thought was, a very polite, "Excuse me, sirs".
With no other option available to him, Strax took out the abused letter once again. If no one cared to give him the information he sought, he would just have to take a quick peek at what Madame Vastra had found out. Surely that couldn't hurt.
He approached the blaze contained in one of the nearby trash bins, shooing away the humans gathered around its warmth, to hold the letter up to the light, and he squinted as he tried to make out the words within. Yes, there was Madame Vastra's handwriting all right. He leaned in closer. Now if only he could…
The Sontaran gasped as a corner of the letter went up in flames, and shaking it only served to aid the fire in spreading quicker, and he threw it down into the snow and began to stomp on it until he was certain the potential inferno had come to an end, but when he retrieved the letter from the ground, it had been reduced to a sodden and blackened mush, and it was all he could do to prevent it from falling apart in his fingers.
"No!" Strax said as he stared down at the remains of the letter draped in his hands. He had destroyed it! The contents of this letter may very well have made the difference between this world's demise and its salvation! Madame Vastra had put her faith in him, and Jenny, as well, and he had failed them! He had failed them both!
Strax sat down upon the curb and hung his head in utter despair. The blood of every human that resided on this planet was soon to be on his hands, a thought he found far less comforting than it ought to have been. How could he ever show his face on Paternoster Row again after what he had done?
The Sontaran did not move from that spot for quite some time, and now the numbness in his toes had spread to his feet and his fingers, as well, and it began to snow as he watched the cloud of his breath, pondering all the while some way he could make up for the horrendous crime he had committed.
Just then, a pair of legs stopped before him, and when they refused to leave, he turned his gaze upward to find a grubby human child staring down at him, wearing a coat that was too large for her and with her arms wrapped around her small frame.
"What do you need, boy? Can't you see I have some very important matters on my mind?"
"I'm not a boy," she said and continued to stare down at him as if she had nothing better to attend to right now. "But, you look like a potato."
The Sontaran frowned. "I most certainly do not. And I'll have you know, potatoes are an excellent source of potassium, so I'd hardly call such a comparison a proper insult. Now if you'll kindly get out of my sight, I have some matters to think over, and I can't rightly do it if you're going to stare at me."
"What are you thinking about?"
"It's none of your business, you urchin! Now leave me in peace!"
But, she remained where she was, and Strax huffed as he rose to his feet. "Very well, then. You can stand here all you like, but you won't be doing it with me around!" he said as he jabbed a thumb to his chest.
With that, he turned and began to march down the alley, uncaring of where it took him just so long as it led him far away from the human spawn behind him, but the unmistakable crunch of footsteps on snow followed him, and he looked back to find the child trailing a short distance behind. He quickened his pace, only to have her do the same, and once he had endured quite enough of this indeed, he turned around to direct a vicious glare at his stalker.
"What did I say?"
She didn't halt until she had better closed the gap between them, and then resumed her earlier, unsettling stare.
"What are you?"
"Well, according to you, I am apparently some kind of sentient vegetable with limbs. And how does that concern you?"
She shrugged.
He leaned in closer. "Exactly. It doesn't. Now don't you have some parents to go home to? To my understanding, it is uncommon for your kind to eat their young, so you don't have that excuse to be wandering about out here all by yourself."
"I don't have any parents."
The Sontaran straightened his stance. "I see. What did them in?"
"I think the doctor said it was the 'noo-monia'," she said.
"Well, I am sorry to hear that their lives came to an end in such a dishonorable fashion, but it doesn't surprise me. I often hear word that yours is a war-like race, but I have thus far been unimpressed with what I've seen. Now if you are seeking some sort of replacement, I have no desire to become your legal guardian, so you might as well look elsewhere.
The child giggled, only to ask, "Why are you out here? Have you also lost your parents?"
"Sontarans don't have parents, boy. We are all clones trained for battle since the moment our lives began. Don't you know anything?"
"I s'pose not."
"No, I suppose not, either. Now, unless you have anything else you need to pester me with, I must return to Paternoster Row and face the judgment of those I have failed."
Strax made to leave once again, for he didn't wish to put off this punishment for much longer, but the child grabbed his coat sleeve.
"Why?" she said with a tilt of her head. "Have you done something bad?"
"Yes, very, human spawn. It is something so reprehensible, I dare not say it aloud. Suffice it to say, I will ask that my execution be swift."
"Your what?"
"My death, you fool! I will ask that my death be a swift one!"
"But, I don't want you to die, potato man."
"You are very kind, boy. But, my actions have put this planet in very grave danger, and I can only hope they are merciful."
The human's earlier gloom was replaced by another grin, a perplexing response to the Sontaran's confession. "The world's not in any danger, silly. You have nothing to feel bad about."
"What do you mean the world's not in any danger? Haven't you heard? It is coming to an end any day now! Are you humans really that thick?"
But, she shook her head quite vigorously at this and began to tug on his coat sleeve with both hands. "Nuh-uh. I'll take you where you wanna go, and you'll see everything's okay. Come on!"
Strax had no trouble remaining where he was as the child continued to jerk on his arm in a most feeble effort. "And what makes you think I need your assistance in finding my way home?"
She stopped. "But, you're lost, aren't you?"
The Sontaran tugged his arm free. "How dare you insinuate that I don't know my way around at least as well as a human larvae! How old are you anyway? One year? Two?"
"Seven."
"As if that's any better! On my planet, we would have obliterated a puny street urchin such as yourself long ago!" Strax paused, breathing heavily as snowfall gathered on the shoulders of his coat, while the child looked on in silence. He cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is, lead the way."
The human scampered ahead as she led him back in the direction of Paternoster Row, and after a detour to pet a stray cat she wanted him to meet, designated a most ridiculous "Rags", they came upon the house where he would have to reveal one of his greatest failures.
He squared his shoulders and approached the door, and unlocking it proved to be a difficult task with stiff and unruly fingers that were hardly in any mood to do his bidding. He gave a glance back to find the child still watching him, saying "I thank you for your assistance, but I no longer have need of your services." When she remained rooted to the spot, he added, "That means you are dismissed!"
As soon as he entered, he was greeted by the clatter of Jenny's footsteps as she ran to meet him. "Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you!" she said, and he tried to hold his head high despite the confession he would soon have to make.
"I failed," Strax said.
"Pardon?"
"I failed to deliver the letter, and I worry there will be dire consequences as a result. You see—"
"Well, that's okay," the human drew nearer, "You can just deliver it in the morning. Why don't you come in and warm yourself by the fireplace. You must be freezin'."
She extended a hand, but the gesture garnered no response from the Sontaran. "I don't deserve your kindness. I—"
"Jenny, is Strax—" The form of Madame Vastra herself appeared through the doorway nearby, and Strax found looking her in the eye to be even more difficult than he had anticipated. "Oh, Strax, you've returned." Concern made itself known on her scaled features as she moved to join Jenny. "Has something happened?"
The Sontaran couldn't prevent himself from bowing his head, and he told the floor in near sobs, "I didn't deliver your letter, Madame Vastra. It was first pilfered by a mongrel with evil intent, and then I-it caught on fire. I know how important that letter was, and I fear the fate of this planet may now be sealed due to my incompetence. I—"
"Hold on a second. Where did you get the idea that…'the fate of this planet' depended on the safe delivery of my letter? That was merely correspondence with one of our clients, Strax."
The Sontaran's gaze shot up to meet hers, his eyebrows arched. "But, this human…this-this street urchin claimed the end of the world was coming. And Jenny informed me that your letter was—"
Jenny failed to suppress a laugh, and Strax shot a glare in her direction. "This is in no way funny!"
"You mean that old man that stands around screamin' nonsense at people day in and day out?" she asked. "He's a nutter. Everyone knows that. Don't tell me you took him seriously."
"I…well…no, no, of course, not—"
"See, I told you," a voice said, and they all turned to find the child peeking in through the doorway with a toothy grin on her face.
"What are you doing?" Strax said. "Close that door at once! Just because you're sure to perish of hypothermia soon, that doesn't mean you must doom us all!"
She obliged readily enough, but she remained inside rather than out once the door was shut. Apparently he should have been more specific.
"I told you they weren't gonna kill you," the child said as she looked about at her surroundings, surely a palace compared to the streets she was accustomed to. She blinked at them. "Can I stay here for a while?"
"Well, I—" Madame Vastra began, no response made to the child's first statement, even if the expression on her face said it was not forgotten. "I suppose we have room for one more. Find her a place to stay for the night, Jenny."
As Jenny led the child off by the hand, the Silurian turned her gaze back on Strax, and she considered him for a moment, a thought ready to make itself verbal, only to be suppressed when she merely smiled and said, "I'll rewrite the letter in the morning…and I'll deliver it myself this time. I believe we've been through enough for today. Haven't we, Strax?"
"Y-yes, Madame Vastra. Thank you."
She arched her eyebrows at him before turning away, shaking her head as she did so, and Strax halted her with one final question. "So the world is not coming to an end, then?"
Madame Vastra turned back to him once more, an unreadable expression on her reptilian face. "Strax," she said. "Just go to bed."
I thought this was a rather humorous story, wouldn't you say? I just really wanted to write a story with Strax going on a ridiculous adventure and, well, I did. And I hope I wrote everyone well; it's my first true "Doctor Who" story, and Madame Vastra intimidates me….
Please review and tell me what you think, my dear readers.