Boundaries
My life has always been dictated by boundaries.
It started when I was born in District 12 under the rule of President Snow. In those years, our lives were cagey fences. We had to abide a strict curfew, received limited rations, and were subject to the possibility of being selected for the Hunger Games. But the boundaries continued into the revolution. I was stuck underground in District 13 while people like my brother Gale were fighting to break those boundaries. And won. But every war has consequences and collateral damage. Sure we broke the fences, but we also had to clean up the rubble of mangled metal.
After the war, everyone wanted a fresh start. Since we moved to Two, a lot changed. There are no more Hunger Games, no more districts slaving for the Capitol, or trapped people living in poverty. We're told that now we live equally. And freely. Everyone is at peace now and enjoys the pleasures life has to offer. That's one of the reasons we moved to Two. We wanted a fresh start.
But living in Two was a big adjustment. I was really young when the war happened, but I remember a distinct change in my family and surroundings. We moved from living in a two room home, to a bunker, and now to a spacious apartment. For the first time in my life, I get my own room to sleep in at night.
My own!
Of course, our whole family moved to Two and resumed living together. Two years ago, Rory moved in with Gale, so now it's just me, Vick and Ma. I kind of miss the whole family together sometimes. Sure, we have family dinners on Sunday nights, but our bond to each other is no longer tied to survival. We grew past that, and now have different necessities from each other.
I'll never admit this to anyone, but sometimes I miss all my brothers. I miss us all being together. Now, we're severing onto our different paths. Ma says, "that's life" and that "we all change eventually," but I don't like it. So much has changed in my life already, and I feel like I'm constantly running behind everyone with my chicken legs trying to catch up.
Growing up with three older brothers really shaped me. But, there are boundaries. Some that are breakable, and some that are never to be crossed. For example, when Gale says I can't have any more candies for the day, I don't really have to comply. I just beg him until he concedes.
Which let me tell you, works really well.
But then there are other boundaries that are never to be crossed.
Boys.
This boundary has been specifically clear to me at a young age. When Gale came home late one night in our District 12 days, after having spent some time with a girl at the slagheap, Ma berated him for it. And then, he'd go out and do it again. No big deal. Because he was a boy.
That night Gale even told me, "Boys are bad, Posy."
And six-year-old me said, "Did Raya say that when you took her to the slagheap tonight?"
He didn't honestly think I didn't hear, did he? I was young sure, and I didn't know what the slagheap was (which now I do thanks to Rory), but I did eavesdrop. We lived in a one-room shack. Word travelled fast.
He blanched then, and ruffled a hand through his already tousled hair. "T-That doesn't matter. Now go to sleep, its way past your bedtime."
That was it. Boys are bad. Don't go near them, blah, blah, blah. I was so young then, so I didn't really get why I needed a boyfriend when I already had Gale. Unlike most siblings, Gale was more of a father then an older brother. He raised me, and I am grateful for him. I love him, and for the longest time, I didn't think any boy could ever measure up to him.
But that all changed when I met Cole. He's fifteen, just like me, and goes to school with me. He was originally from District 4, but his family moved to Two after the war. There were many boys in between, but none of them were serious.
I actually had a dating schedule when I was nine. I know. Gale was furious when I kept getting all of these phone calls from boys who wanted to ask me out.
One time we sat at the table for breakfast. I was thirteen then, and had just spent an hour trying to coax my hair into an intricate braid. It was a horrid attempt that I'm thankful was never captured on camera.
"Someone looks nice today," Hazelle said when I took a seat next to Gale at the kitchen table.
Gale eyed me curiously. I went along eating, excited for my day, and then Rory had to ruin it.
"I'm sure she wants to look good for her new boyfriend Kyle-or was it Dan? Derrick-"
I kicked him under the table. Gale almost choked on his eggs, and stuttered, "B-boyfriend?"
I rolled my eyes. "Thanks Rory," I muttered.
"Posy?" Gale demanded sternly.
Alright. Since Rory ousted me, I had no choice but tell him. "I have two actually."
Rory snorts his orange juice, and Gale drops his fork. "TWO?" they both yelled. I momentarily forgot I had left out the pluralized version for Rory.
Vick sits quietly. He's the only one with the sense to shut up. Besides, we had an agreement that we wouldn't tell anyone each other's secret crushes.
"Why not?" I shrugged. "You told Rory and Vick that they could have as many girlfriends as they wanted."
Hazelle whipped around, her eyes wide. "You told them what?" She slaps the back of Gale's head, and now it's my turn to smirk.
Gale avoids Hazelle's fuming and instead glares at me. "That was taken out of context. I-I didn't mean it like that."
"That's not what I remember," I say, tilting my head to the side. "You said that-"
"I said that you are not allowed to date until your 30. Now dump them," Gale growled.
I crossed my arms and glared back at Gale. His glare didn't scare me anymore. If anything, I was furious. How was it fair that Rory and Vick could do whatever they wanted, but I was constantly restrained by these boundaries?
Because I'm a girl. I'm the only one in the family, and I happen to be the youngest. Since that day, I vowed that I wouldn't wait until 30 because that would be really depressing and somewhat mortifying. I wasn't going to let a good opportunity pass by just as Gale doesn't let his game out of his sight.
If I want to be in a relationship with someone or some people, I should have the right to decide that for myself just like Rory and Vick. And Gale is certainly not in a position to lecture me.
Tonight, I have plans to change that.
I zip up the back of my flowing dress, and smooth out the pressed pleats. My room is the smallest, with just enough room to fit a twin bed and dresser, but it's plenty of room for me. A mirror hangs above my dresser, narrow yet long.
Ma is busy making dinner in the kitchen, and she smiles when she sees me. She runs her hands over my hair, careful not to mess it up, and I swear she has tears in her eyes. "My baby's all grown up!"
"Ma, I'm only fifteen."
Being grown up is really a technicality. Rory's all 'grown up' and you'd never tell by the way he acts. He's proved to me that most boys don't grow up; they just grow older.
"I know," she says, "but you're my baby, and you look beautiful, like a grown woman!"
Well…I have to say that was the look I was going for. Ma looks at me so lovingly, that I have to look away from her tearful eyes, or I'm going to cry. And that wouldn't be good. Not after all the effort I put in already.
My eyes fall to the full stove. Each burner is occupied with beefs and veggies. A sauce simmers on one of smaller burners. Why was she making so much food? Vick is the only one that'll be home tonight. Unless…
Knock, knock, knock.
He's here!
I wiggle out of Ma's embrace, and I race to get the door. I pinch my cheeks, and check in the tiny square mirror beside the door if everything is perfectly placed. I swing the door open, and Cole doesn't stand on the other side. My stomach clenches. Gale stands at the door, dressed in a business suit and carries a newspaper.
This cannot be happening to me. Gale of all people is not supposed to be here. Not tonight.
His eyebrows crinkle together. "Pose? Why are you all dressed up?"
"Why did you knock? You have a key you know," I say trying to get him to forget his own question.
"I forgot my key."
"Again?" Ma sighs from the kitchen.
He brushes past me, and drops his briefcase on the couch. I stand firmly at the door, my clammy hand on the handle.
Just when I thought I was in the clear, Gale asks over his shoulder, "Are you going somewhere tonight Pose? It's not the school formal tonight is it?"
Ma turns her head from the stove in the kitchen and says, "Your baby sister is going on her first date tonight." She wipes her hand on a towel and embraces Gale. "Hi honey," she says, kissing his forehead.
Gale slithers away from Ma. I swear his eyes are as thin as slits. "Date?" He growls.
Gale turns to me, with his accusatory gaze. Oh no. This isn't going to end well. I close the front door quietly and twine my hands behind my back.
"I told you that you couldn't date until your thirty," he says.
I sigh and sink into the couch. This'll take a while. "Gale, you told me that when I was six."
"So?"
"So?" I say, craning my neck to see him standing over me. "You only said that to get my mind off of what we were talking about, so I wouldn't tell Ma that you said it was okay if Rory and Vick could "play the field" and date as many girls as they wanted—at the same time! Besides, I asked Ma, and she says I can go."
Gale glares at Ma. "Why would you do that?"
Ma stirs the pot on the stove, not looking at either of us. Ma was usually smart this way. She tried to keep herself neutral when her kids pitted her against each other. I've been guilty of it whenever I fight with Rory.
Gale grits his teeth. "You're not going out with this idiot."
"What?" I sputter. "You can't just demand that! MA!"
"Gale, leave your sister alone. I've met Cole and his parents. He's a very sweet kid," Ma says calmly.
"His name is Cole? Seriously? Please tell me he's not from District 12-"
"He's from Four, and he'll be here any minute!" I say while checking my watch. Cole said he'd be here around seven. It's now a quarter past, and I'm worried. Not so much that he's late, but I'm worried about what Gale will do to him when he gets here.
I cradle my head in my hands, hunched, willing this nightmare to go away. Or preferably for Gale to go away.
A key scratches the lock and clicks the door open. I peak through the cracks of my fingers hopefully. But then I remember Cole doesn't have a key. The only person who has a key, and isn't in this apartment right now is-
"Hey everyone, I'm home!"
Rory.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I rock myself back and forth. Nothing can get worse than this. First Gale, and now Rory? One of them is bad enough. We might as well tell Vick to come out of his room for this. Apparently this is now a family affair.
"Why's everyone so serious?" Rory drops his bag by the door, and approaches Gale, who still stands over me.
"Posy here failed to tell us she's going on a secret date tonight," Gale explained.
"It's not a secret! Ma knew!" My words are muffled from my hands, but I'm sure they heard it just fine.
"Boyfriend?" I can hear the smirk in Rory's voice. Of course, he'd find this all funny. Ruining anything, or in this case anyone, I liked was Rory's pastime. My toy bin full of amputated dolls could tell you that.
"Boys, leave your sister alone and set the table," Ma says. Thankfully they listen to her firm voice, but they snicker as they go.
Why couldn't they just leave me alone? I never teased them about their dates—well, I was too young to understand, and sometimes I may have teased Gale…but that's different. I never intentionally sabotaged their chances at being in a relationship. A little bit of teasing I can handle, but I can only imagine how they'll act once Cole arrives.
I'm strongly considering cancelling our date when a knock raps the door.
Great.
I race to the door, making sure I'm the first one he greets before facing the army of Hawthorne's. I open the door a crack keeping my brother's view limited on my date. I poke my head through the crack and attempt to wedge my body through it. I figure at this point, my best option is to try and make a getaway.
"Hi," I say to Cole. My concentration is so focused on escape that I barely notice that he's holding wildflowers in his hand. The ones I told him I liked.
He smiles shyly. "Hi. You look-"
I lose grip of the door behind me and almost fall forward and right into him. I catch myself even though Cole's hand grips my arm in support. Gale hovers in the doorway, his bushy brows furrowed. Cole lets go of my arm, his cheeks rosy.
"These are for you," he says.
This moment would be make me smile and squeal if it weren't for the obtrusive third party lurking behind me. I can feel the rays of anger radiating from Gale. I accept the flowers our fingers brushing.
"Thank you," I say quietly.
Sensing the tension, Cole looks up and says, "Hello. I'm Cole." He holds out his hand in an innocent gesture.
"I know. I'm Gale." Gale squeezes Cole's hand. A couple of Cole's fingers crack.
Ma saves us from the awkward stare down between the three of us. With his arms crossed, Gale glares at Cole. Cole stares back with a frightened smile, and I, standing between the two holding a bouquet flowers, am hopeless to end it.
Ma squeezes past Gale, who's as stiff as a stone. "Cole!" She says. "It's so good to see you again."
Gale shoots Ma a look. "Again?"
We all ignore him. "Why don't you come in for a couple minutes and have a drink before you two go?" Ma suggests.
No!
That would be suicidal. We might as well be the star-crossed lovers of District 12 because we are totally going to be screwed going into this war.
Ma clearly didn't understand that our apartment was about to become a war zone. With Gale and Rory, and even Vick, who's probably locked up in his room studying, Cole doesn't stand a chance. Doesn't she see that?
Cole considers the thought, and grasps the cuffs of his shirt.
"Come in," Gale barks.
Well, that's settled. Cole didn't give an answer, and apparently it wasn't needed. Interesting how my brother, the equality political figure, seems to forget all of that once he comes home.
Cole passes through the door, and I follow after setting down the bouquet on the coffee table. Then, I punch Gale in the gut and hiss, "Be nice."
He rolls his eyes at my response and begins to circle Cole like his prey back in District 12. He circles around our dining room table, his hands gripping each chair as he goes.
"Would you like tea Cole?" My mom asks from the kitchen. She is still sautéing and boiling dinner.
"No thank you. May I please have a glass of water?"
Ma offers him a glass. Cole leaves it untouched.
"Where are you from?" Gale demands. "Before the war?"
"Uh…district four."
"What did your parents do?"
Gale continues to circle Cole. Cole's face is stern yet relaxed. "They were fishers. Now my dad is a bricklayer. My mom works retail."
"And what are you going to do?"
"I-I don't know yet. I'm still in school and have time."
"Like other things," Gale snarled looking turning to look directly at me.
Rory has been surprisingly quiet throughout Gale's interrogation. He's too busy sampling the food Ma's making and watching with a big grin on his face. He munches on a steamed green beside the stove and reaches to sample more food, watching the scene unfold in front of him. Ma swats his hand away.
"So," Gale continues bringing his attention back to Cole. "You're taking my sister out tonight?"
"Yes."
"Where?"
"I was hoping that would be a surprise," Cole says smiling at me.
"I don't like surprises," Gale says. He stops circling him and grips the dining table chair across from Cole with white knuckles.
"Gale, please," I say pleadingly. Seriously. Anything would be better than this torture.
"If you want to know, ask Hazelle," Cole says. "I've already told her of our plans."
How can Cole be so calm at a time like this? I'm ready to jump out of my skin!
Gale continues to glare at Cole. I've seen that look before. It's the same look that he uses when he would hunt for game. I only saw it when we waited for the hovercrafts to appear once we vacated to the forest, and I've never forgotten it. His stillness is a sign that he is ready to pounce.
Cole meets his eye, equally ready. Just when Gale was about speak, Ma thankfully interrupts him.
"Gale can you help drain the water out of this heavy pot from the stove for me?" She sounds so oblivious that another Panem revolution is about to break out in the dining room. Gale pushes the chair away and walks into the kitchen. He's incapable of stomping, another thing he (thankfully) learned from the woods. Its too bad Rory didn't seem to grasp that in his hunting training.
Cole turns to me completely unfazed. "Are you ready to go?"
I nod quickly. "Ma, we're leaving!" I say making a beeline to the front door.
"Have fun you two," Ma says through the kitchen. "Be back by 10 please."
"Nine!" Gale shouts soon after.
Gale appears in the open frame that leads into the kitchen and says, "You do anything to my sister, and you'll answer to me. Got it?"
Cole nods. "Yes. I got it before I came here."
I grab Cole's hand and pull him out of the apartment. "We'll be back by then. Bye mom, bye Gale! Bye Rory!"
I swing the door closed and we both run down the hallway and down a few flights of stairs. I lead the way, dragging Cole behind me. Our apartment is still pretty high up on the eighteenth floor of our building, so taking the stairs all the way down wasn't an option. I already felt like we just ran a marathon against Gale.
Cole clicks the elevator button after we stopped taking the stairs on the eleventh floor. Once we catch our breath, I say, "I'm sorry about what happened upstairs. Gale can be a little overprotective."
He chuckled. "A little?"
"Okay, maybe a lot. I'm sorry that he gave you a hard time."
The elevator doors open. He smiles when he takes my hand. "Don't apologize for him. It was his actions, not yours."
Cole presses the ground floor button. He looks over at me shyly. "You do look really pretty Posy."
I finally let the smile spread on my face that wasn't allowed because of my brother's boundaries. I thank him and lean into him slightly. It's not against the rules, but sometimes it's all right to push the boundaries.
My life has been full of surprises. The surprise of running to the forest to evade the bombings on District 12, and then moving from 13 to 2 were not pleasant surprises. They scared me a lot. And I guess going out with Cole did scare me a little. But it's not the same kind of fear that I felt in those times.
It turns out that surprises can be a good thing. Cole's surprise tonight was nothing short of blissful. Instead of nervousness that I felt when running past the fences of twelve into the scary forest, I felt joy.
Cole took me to a carnival. I've never been to a carnival in my life, and I have to be honest, I didn't really know what it was when we got there. But it was incredible! There were rides, and people dressed up in crazy costumes and there was this snack that I tried called cotton candy. Cotton candy was by far the most bizarre thing I've ever tried. It was fluffy like a cloud, yet it disintegrated in my mouth. It was like I wasn't eating anything, but was at the same time. Bizarre!
Cole and I walk towards my family apartment at the end of the hall hand in hand. My other arm is carrying a huge brown bear, one I've always dreamed of having in twelve in the rare occasion that I got to go to town and see the abundance of toys in the gift shop.
"Hopefully the bear can ward off your brothers if they're ever mean to you again."
"It'll be a useful weapon," I say. "And thank you for winning it for me."
"We won it Posy," he says. "I wouldn't have been able to get that last ring around the soda bottle like you did."
We halt at the front door. He drops my hand, and he looks at me closely. My skin feels warm when he looks at me. I don't know what that means, but it feels good. My eyes find the carpeted floors, and I use my now free arm to hug the stuffed bear.
"Thank you for taking me out tonight," I say to the floor. "I had an amazing time."
"Hopefully we can do it again sometime soon?" Cole asks this more as a statement than a question. "If its okay with your brothers of course."
"Pshh, don't listen to them. If I want to go, than I will go, which I do of course. I mean, I do want to go out with you again..." I nod my head adamantly. Oh my. My face feels hot again, and I can't stand to look at him. Did what I say even make any sense?
We face each other in front of the door, neither of us knowing what to do next. The hall is quiet, and I set the bear beside the door. I reach for my key in my—drat!
Of course. I forgot my key in my haste to get out of the house. It looks like I'll have to say goodnight to Cole now and wait for him to leave. I wouldn't want another interrogation from Gale. Or worse, a lecture.
"Well, goodnight Posy," Cole says. He turns away from the door.
Wait. There is something I want to give him. Something that can be ours too.
I grab his arm and turn him around. I lean forward and press my lips over his. It's a fleeting kiss,and completely timid on my part. Did I even kiss his lips? Who knows. It was my first kiss. It's done. No do overs.
I step away, unsure if I've overstepped my boundaries. Cole is surprised at first, but smiles.
"Good night Cole." I don't know what to do with my free hands so I wave. Yes, I waved.
I really need to work on that.
He turns and walks down the hallway. Once he turns the corner, and the coast is clear, I knock on the door.
The door swings open with a smirking Rory. "Someone's late," he says in a singsong voice.
I pick up my ginormous bear and push past him, purposefully knocking him down. Vick is cuddled on one of the loveseats reading, while Gale sits on the other with his arms crossed.
"Where's Ma?" I ask innocently.
"In bed. She got tired of waiting up for you," Gale says.
I place the bear carefully beside the coffee table and sit beside him. Were we late? I honestly didn't' notice.
Vick yawns and shuts his book. He says goodnight to all of us and leaves the room. Rory hops over the couch from behind me, scaring me. Now, I find myself sandwiched between Gale and Rory. Gale glowers on my one side, and Rory smiles on the other. Wonderful.
I stand, trying to get myself out of this, but Rory pulls me back down. "Not so fast sis."
"Leave me alone! I'm tired and I want to go to bed!" It's serious now. I resort to using my whinny voice.
"Sure, you can do that…after you show Gale how you say goodnight."
"RORY!" I push him back into the couch cushion pinning him down. I almost have a clear shot at him, but Gale pries me away from him. Lucky sucker.
I can't believe Rory was spying on us! Does he really have nothing else to do with his life? I'm forced to reel away with a closed fist, when Gale completely overpowers me. What Rory saw was private! Last time I checked, I didn't exploit his private life. Don't my brothers know any boundaries?
"Rory, go to bed," Gale says calmly.
Rory mutters a few words under his breath. I can only make out 'crazy' and 'not fair'. Once he's gone it's just Gale and me. I prepare myself for the lecture I'm about to receive but Gale doesn't say anything. I realize that he hasn't let go of me. I'm in his lap, like a father nursing a young child. Like what he used to do when I was an infant. Now, my legs sprawl across the couch, but I still fit comfortably in his lap.
"I'm sorry," He says.
What? No lecture? No reprimanding?
"I'm sorry I gave you a hard time earlier today."
I nod my head slowly, wishing I had a tape recorder to replay this moment. It's not often that Gale admits that he is sorry or is wrong.
"The thing is, sometimes I can get a little protective of the people I love. You have to remember that I helped change your diapers when mom first had you. I know I'm your brother, but in many ways, I know you relied on me to raise you. And I tried. You depended on me. I guess that today, when I saw another boy wanting to take you away from me, I got a little protective. It's my job. I seemed to forget that you were growing up, and that you weren't a defenseless little girl anymore. I thought you needed protecting, but you don't anymore. Not in the way I can provide it. So, I'm sorry if I ruined your date. I didn't think things through."
I fling my arms around his neck. Gale's not one to speak opening about his feelings, but his spiel was thoughtful. He probably sat here all night thinking about it. He has to know that no one can protect me the way he can and always will. I mean, I used to think I was going to marry him when I was older. I always thought he was the best man in the world.
"I forgive you," I say. I pull away and face him. "I appreciate you looking out for me. But you're going to have to let me live my life, and that is going to include boys."
Gale runs a hand through his overgrown hair. "That's the thing Pose. Boys can cause another kind of hurt. One that I don't think I can fix. I know this is your first date, but you need to think about these things. I just want you to be careful."
"Well, if a guy can survive an interrogation with you, I think he's a worth giving a chance."
Gale smirked. "I was surprised he didn't quiver. It made me trust him less."
I sighed. "So you don't like him?"
"No. But I doubt I'll like any of your boyfriends. Just like how you never liked any of my girlfriends."
He has a point. There has never been an occasion where I liked the girl he was seeing. He never brought any of his dates home, they were never that serious, and I worry for him sometimes. I know he loved Katniss, but that was years ago. She's with Peeta now, and maybe that's a good thing. Katniss and Gale both went into separate directions. Sure, I really like Cole, but there's always a chance our paths will diverge at some point. I get that, but I don't want to miss an opportunity to have something special with him. I don't want to dream of what could have been, and actually make something happen. Because I saw those regrets in Gale's eyes when we first moved to Two. Sometimes being too cautious means you don't live at all. Wasn't that why we fought through a revolution? To live?
"That's true. You have terrible taste," I tease. "How about I can pick your next girlfriend?"
He smirks. "Only if I get to pick your next boyfriend."
I scrunch my nose and he laughs. That's a boundary that should remain untouched.
"How about we let each other date whomever we want to date?" I suggest.
"Fine. But whoever else you decide to go on a date with needs to understand the rules first. And I'm going to tell them. If they can't take it, then they can leave."
"Fine," I sigh. We shake on it and I rest my head on his shoulder and yawn. Well, it's a start. Remember how I said there are times when I don't really have comply? I'll wear him down eventually.
After a few minutes of sitting in a comfortable silence, Gale asks me, "Bedtime?"
"Bedtime," I say in mid yawn.
I feel like I'm five years old again and back in our one shack room in Twelve. On the nights I couldn't sleep, Gale would hold me and sometimes rock me until I fell asleep on him. Now, he still lifts me easily, carrying me to bed. He gives me time to change with privacy and then checks in on me to tuck me in.
He brushes my hair away from my face and kisses my forehead when I say, "Goodnight Gale."
He stops at the light switch beside the door. "Good night Pose. Sweet dreams."
He turns off the light and closes the door. As the new found darkness takes over, I stare at the ceiling. I'm not a complete big girl yet. I still need my big brother. There will probably be times when I'll need him more than ever.
Because some boundaries bind us forever.
A/N: Thanks for reading!