Lord Voldemort starred wistfully into his bedroom mirror, his pale features returning his mournful gaze between the soft gilded framing.

"Tell me I'm pretty" He sighed, prodding a hollow cheek.

Malfoy and Severus were present and both found themselves fidgeting awkwardly.

"Very my lord."

"Oh, yes, extremely pretty."

"Like a dandelion." Replied Wormtail, who'd been eavesdropping from the doorway.

After a brief Crucio the senseless git was on his way. Lucius cleared his throat, deciding to make up for the miscalculation of his fellow Death Eater.

"My Lord, you seem as lovely as ever, there must be something else worrying you." He interjected silkily.

With a sigh Voldemort slumped onto a near by chaise lounge. Before answering he plucked a cherry from a fruit bowl perched on the arm and nibbled on it.

"Well, it's just-it just seems – it's just everyone's trying to kill me, all the time!"

"Not us my lord!"

"No not us!"

Voldemort ignored Severus and Lucius' indignant answers.

"I just think, with everyone wanting to kill me, he's been put off a bit and that's why he's not returning my owls."

Lucius' eyes widened, "you're not talking about-"

Severus swooped forward, coming to the same conclusion and his platinum blond friend.

"My Lord please, I thought we had moved beyond this…obsession, we put it all in the past, it's no good you lusting after…."

Voldemort broke down, burying his face in his hands.

"You can say it! Say his name!"

Severus sighed.

"Dobby."

Voldemort sprang from the lounge and pranced over to the towering windows, overlooking the Malfoy grounds.

"Ah Dobby!" He sighed, placing one pale hand against the frosted glass whilst the other clutched his chest.

"Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, ye sexy elf, how one will never know how my heart yearns for thee. BLAST!"

The two men still by the mirror jumped.

"He toys with me Severus!"

Voldemort turned back from the window.

"Y-yes my Lord."

The dark lord crumpled, curling up on the floor.

"Why does he toy with me?"

"He must love you too mu-"

"NO!" Voldemort glared "No, that isn't it, it's been too long, he's been at Hogwarts, seduced by that filthy bearded man, they're brain washing him against me!"

"I don't think-" Lucius was suddenly seized around his throat as Voldemort came at him.

"Quiet you! This is your fault, he was right here, I was courting him, and then you went and let that Potter boy free him! Oh I hate that Potter boy! He just want's Dobby for him self, I knew it all along!"

Lucius nodded timidly, Severus had stayed stock still, knowing full well that when the dark Lord was in one of his moods, like this, it was best to go along with him.

"I'm sorry, Lucius, I don't really mean it." Cried Voldemort, tightening his grip.

"Not to worry my Lord, I take full responsibility for his departure." Lucius choked out past his blocked windpipe. Voldemort released him duly.

" I sent him seventy owls yesterday."

Severus groaned.

"You DIDN'T!"

"Well it doesn't matter because he didn't reply once! They all came back!" Voldemort pulled back the covers of his bed and seventy tear-stained envelopes gushed onto the floor.

Timidly Severus picked one up and opened it.

Dear Dobby-Poo,

Elf of my heart, I could want no other.

Just me again, Voldemort, checking to see if you got any of my other forty-six messages? How have things been? I dreamt of you last night, you floated in through my window on a cloud, wearing nothing but socks made of cream, you came to me and told me you had killed Harry Potter and Dumbledore whom you never loved, you then let me cut you out of your skin and wear it like a jumpsuit. I long for the day you will make my dreams true. Come back to me Dobby. Come back.

Your secret admirer

It was worse than Severus could have imagined, he was too worried to read any more.

"My Lord you do realize Dobby couldn't reply to any of these for two very important reasons."

"What?" Sniffled Voldemort

"Well one, you haven't signed your name, just 'your secret admirer'"

"And?"

"And secondly, not meaning to be patronizing, but you're in hiding no owls can get in or out of the manor grounds."

Crossing his arms Voldemort pouted.

"Well that's just bloody Fudge's fault then! What does the ministry have against me anyway?"

"The muggle killings sir?" Croaked Malfoy whose throat was still sore

"Yes that but-"

"Use of illegal dark magic, evasion of arrest, several accounts of murder, running a terrorist organization, just generally prosing a threat to them my lord."

"Yes, right, shut-up, Crucio."

Lucius yelped.

"So, are you saying I should just stop all that!"

Severus and Lucius stumbled over their words

"N-No."

"Not exactly."

"Really"

"I mean"

"Couldn't-"

Voldemort's eye's brightened a luminescent crimson

"I should just stop it all! It was just a bit of fun any way, not achieving anything was I? I mean wiping out muggles! Lol Jokes!"

His followers nodded dumbly

"Right! It's all off! Tell everyone to stop killing and all that, there's a new mission, operation get Dobby to like me, Code…um...sexy elf!"

Voldemort flounced from the room.

"First job's to find me a hair dresser." He declared before leaving out of sight.

"Bags not!"

"-Bags not!...bullocks! Oh how am I supposed to tell the dark Lord he's bald without being Cruciode?"

"Not my problem Severus."

"I have two things to say to you Lucius pink knickers"

Lucius blushed. "Oh…right"

The wizards pondered for a moment.

"Make Draco do it." They said in unison. Grinning they left to find the poor boy.