A Trail of Destruction in his Wake

Sitting with his mother, Castle had smiled genuinely at Alexis' graduation and felt himself swell with fatherly pride at her valedictory address, touched at her 'Always' closing and the little wave he knew was meant for him. When she called later in the evening, he reassured her, putting on a brave face to avoid ruining her graduation party.

Then Beckett was at the door.

He was still hurt and angry. He was alone, had just dumped her case file in his computer's trash bin. Right after beginning the process of wiping her out of his life, there she was at the door. He knew she had a permanent place in his heart, but he didn't want to let her into either his home or his head. Maybe, with enough time, and without her constant presence, he would be able to shove her into a corner of his heart where she wouldn't be so obvious…but here she was, demanding his attention again. Something was different this time, though; she was apologizing. She was reaching for him, kissing him, needing him, letting him touch her, wanting him to kiss her…more than once. She was dripping wet from the storm, but, mixed in with words that conjured up frightening happenings he couldn't deal with right then, she was saying things he needed to hear; and he couldn't resist her. She took his hand, they walked to his darkened room, and he pulled her into his bathroom, removing their wet clothing…hers soaked and his now very damp…and dropping it on the tile floor a piece at a time. He dried her lovingly with thick, fluffy towels and wrapped his bathrobe around her shoulders for warmth. Then, in spite of the injuries…scrapes and deep bruises, battered ribs, and the muscles that experience said would be aching and painful by morning, she led him through the dark to his bed…all the tension between them melting into the pleasure they were finally giving each other. Everything they had held back for so long was allowed to surface, and after they had exhausted themselves, they held each other close for a while. And he eventually asked the question again. "What happened, Kate?"

She told him about the roof and the rescue, the suspension, Esposito, the resignation. It was only a few sentences, and very brief descriptions; but it told him volumes, and he held her close for comfort…then they touched and kissed and soothed one another into sleep

xxxxx

Castle woke in the wee hours of the morning and reached for Kate, but no one was there. Just as he had begun to think he had been dreaming again, he heard faint sounds from the living room, so he pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and went to investigate. He found her in the dark, curled up on the couch in his bathrobe. She was sitting in the dark in the corner of the couch, facing away from the study, crying quietly. Her knees were drawn up close to her, her arms folded over her knees; and her face rested on her arms, seemingly in an effort to muffle the sounds. A box of tissues was on the table beside her, several tissues were in her hand, and a trash can with a good collection of used ones was beside the couch. It looked like she had been at this for a while.

He stood behind her near the couch, afraid of what he might hear. "Are the tears because you're having second thoughts? Are you sorry we…?

She wept harder when his voice surprised her and she realized he was there, but she shook her head hard so he would understand that wasn't the reason.

"Come here." He sat down beside her and turned her to pull her into his lap, holding her head against his shoulder. "How long have you been out here?"

She just shrugged. She was still crying, couldn't speak coherently yet, and hated that he was seeing it; but at the same time, it felt so good to have him hold her and care that something had made her cry. Before she reached his apartment earlier, she was afraid she had ruined everything and had lost him for good.

"Let it all go, Kate. Get it out. Then we'll deal with it."

She buried her face against his chest and cried as she breathed in the comforting scent of him, the scent of them; and he held her close and secure, now and then planting a consoling kiss on her head. When she had cried herself out and was down to occasional hiccupping sounds and ragged breaths, they both relaxed a bit. He continued to hold her, rubbing her back and her arms and soothing her.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure this has nothing to do with sleeping with me tonight?"

"I'm sure," she sniffed, her breaths still unpredictable. "I wouldn't trade that for anything."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I'm wrong. I've been so selfish, and I couldn't see it…or didn't want to see it…or just ignored it. I'm not sure which. I've made such a mess of everything. I've treated you so badly, and you still took me back. I don't understand why you even let me in your home. You should be so angry, but you made love to me like I was something precious to you, and you're holding me the same way now."

Rick moved her from his lap and stood, walking away and running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He loved her, knew he always would; but he was still hurt, and he was still angry, and she had just reminded him of exactly why.

"I'm angry, Kate. I'm mad as hell at what you did…how you treated me…how you treated us. When I said that I love you, you hardly even reacted. When I pointed out that you already knew that, you behaved as if I had a lot of nerve to mention it…because you felt betrayed…even though I did it to keep you alive. Don't you think I felt betrayed, too? You lied to me…repeatedly…for almost a year. When I heard you with that suspect, shouting that you remembered everything…I died a little bit inside. No. I died a lot inside. That was something that should have been said to me…gently, to ease the pain of hearing it…not shouted at some random suspect who couldn't have given a smaller damn. I thought I could trust you, that we were finally making progress, and then…" He stopped to pull his words together and pulled in a deep breath that he released into his next words. "All I could think was that you didn't want to have to tell me you didn't feel the same way…that you just kept me around because you didn't want to give up the friendship…the partnership…that I must have imagined all the progress we were making…" His voice was tense and rising in volume. "Part of the time you act like you care, but then suddenly you back off and it's all about Kate. And when it's your mother's case, you become so egocentric that nobody can reach you. You keep telling me it's your life, but it isn't just your life. You affect everybody who loves you, but you don't see it enough to care. I can't fight that anymore, so if you didn't really mean that you can get past it, tell me now. Don't give me hope and then shove me away again. It's cruel." He suddenly sounded more sad than angry. "You are precious to me, Kate. I love you. The closest thing to that rabbit hole in my life…it's Kate Beckett. It's hurt my family because it's hurt me, and I owe them better than what was left of me last night. I was finally ready to give you up, but you're back…giving me hope. Am I going to have to survive having it snatched away again?"

Kate stood and threw her arms around his waist, but this time his arms stayed at his side. "Rick, I'm sorry." She hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry. I woke up next to you and saw how peaceful you looked…then I remembered the pain I saw when you left me…the hurt and anger when you opened the door and asked what I wanted. Then it all came pouring in…the way I've acted…the things I've said…and haven't said. I don't ever want to hurt you again."

He moved his hands to her upper arms, ready to push her away if he didn't hear the right answer. "I want so much to believe what I think you meant last night, but I'm afraid of misunderstanding. What did you mean when you said all you wanted was me? Do you want us to have a life together? Do you love me, or did you just need me tonight…and know that I wouldn't have the strength to send you away? I need to know that…now."

"Have I been so horrible that you can really think I would use you that way?" The tears were welling up again.

Worried that he hadn't gotten the answer he'd hoped for, he pushed her away gently and walked a few steps from her before he turned to face her again. "How can I know what to think? I told you that I love you…twice…and it didn't even seem to register. I begged you not to take such chances if you cared about me, and the only response I got was anger that I was trying to get in your way. Then you suddenly show up at my door after a horribly traumatic day and tell me you're sorry, not that you love me, but that all you want is me…and then we're in bed…and it was spectacular…and… How the hell am supposed to make sense of all that?" He stopped and ran his hand through his hair again, still agitated and frustrated, then took a deep breath, exhaled a huff of air and asked more softly, "I was making love to you tonight, Kate. What did it mean to you?"

She stayed where she was, but she looked up at him so he could see the truth in her eyes. "I was making love to you, too, Castle. I don't think I ever knew what that meant before. I do love you. I'll apologize as many times as you need to hear it…for everything I've done wrong. I can drop anything else, but I won't give us up without a fight." She closed the few steps distance between them, reached up to stroke his cheek with her hand, and pleaded, "Please don't give up on us yet. Help me learn to be better at this. I love you so much."

He finally put his arms around her, and tears of relief threatened his eyes. "You don't need to keep apologizing. I just need to know that you love me. I can't accept less than that anymore. I'm sorry I was so hard on you."

"Don't be," she answered, putting her head back on his shoulder and comfortingly stroking his back. "I've earned it. When everything was on the line, the biggest regret I had about dying was that I'd never have the chance to tell you that I love you…that I need you…that I don't want to spend my life without you. I don't know why I didn't say it before now."

He wrapped his arms tighter around her and kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much, Kate, but I'm not asking you to give everything up for me…just for you to want us enough to stop daring them to kill you."

"I can't promise the job won't put me in danger again, but I can promise I won't invite it from now on."

He held her for a long moment then kissed her forehead. "You just said the job could put you in danger, but you said you'd resigned. We're both wide awake now. Come in here and talk to me." He took her hand and led her to the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink? Juice, wine, milk, hot cocoa? I think mother and Alexis keep some chamomile tea around."

"Wine."

"Have you eaten anything since you left the precinct?"

"No," she mumbled quietly from beside him.

"Then let's find you something." Checking the refrigerator, and nearly being blinded by the sudden light, he quickly found cheese and fruit to go with the wine. Depending on the ever present lights of the city to provide dim light through the window, he took down two glasses and some crackers from the cabinet, and set it all on the kitchen counter. Then he pulled out two bar stools and motioned for Kate to join him.

She hadn't realized she hadn't eaten until he mentioned it, but at the sight of food, she was suddenly ravenous.

They sat close to one another, arms and legs touching, communicating pleasure at being together without needing to speak. Castle shared the midnight snack, giving her time to settle down and to take the edge off her hunger before he observed, "You made some life-changing decisions today...us…your mother's case…your job...finally having to admit that you aren't invincible. Does any of that figure into the tears?

"I'm sure it did. The whole day was overwhelming…horrible; but hanging from that rooftop, what kept rising to the surface was that I never told you I love you. When they pulled me back up to the roof, I thought I might never be able to apologize enough to make you trust me again; I had to take care of that first. Tomorrow I'll have to face the reality of everything else. I do love you, Castle. You may get tired of hearing it. The dam seems to have broken, and it just keeps pouring out."

He smiled at that. "Don't try to hold it back on my account." He looked down and said, While apologies are in the air, I need to apologize, too. I spent a few weeks behaving abominably. Mother finally told me that if I wanted to punish you, I should at least tell you why. I told myself I was just trying to get over you, but she was right. Getting over you didn't require dragging it in front of you at work…in front of our friends. We have to learn to talk to each other. We've been acting like insecure teenagers, and that clearly has to stop."

"When you did try to talk to me, I didn't listen. That's one of the biggest regrets I'll ever have. Can you eventually forgive me?"

"I may have already forgiven you. That was an incredible apology," he answered with a little smile and a lighter sound. Then he took her hand, kissed the back of it, held in both of his, and asked, "Is there anything you regret about your other decisions…like resigning?

"I really regret getting Javi suspended. Maybe resigning, but maybe not. I need time to back away from all of it and regroup. If it takes a new job to do that, I guess that's how it has to be. It's probably too late, anyway. I've already resigned." She reached out with her other hand and took his; and, as they talked, their fingers alternately stroked and intertwined, keeping them connected. "I'm not even sure who I am without the job. It's defined me for so long.

"If you really want to resign, I'll be your partner in that, too; but if you're having second thoughts about that, I'd give you good odds that the captain doesn't want to lose you. If you catch her before the paperwork is filed, she might still consider filing the suspension instead. That probably means talking to her right away."

"Or she might kick me out on sight…refuse to talk to me at all. She was pretty angry. When we left the hotel, I had already been thinking about you and my mom, then we left the emergency room and went back to the precinct. When Gates said we'd disgraced the department, that was it. She was right. I could see what I had done. Maybe I thought the department had let me down, too. I should have been able to trust somebody who could help. Anyway, I resigned, packed up and left…and she didn't try to stop me. She looked surprised, but she didn't say another word."

"She's as strong-willed as you are. Did you think she'd try to talk you out of it?"

"No, and I didn't want her to. At the time, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing; then later, I realized I had no idea. I went to the cemetery and 'talked' to my mother, then sat on the swings where you and I talked, then I came here. Whatever else I wasn't sure of, I was finally sure of us…hoping I hadn't done us irreparable damage."

He put an arm around her shoulders and kissed her cheek. "Would the suspension give you time to regroup? You can always resign at the end of it…if that's what you really want.

Kate moved away from him and stood to pace back and forth, looking like a little girl in his too big robe, pausing now and then to make a point. "I don't know. I have to get my head straight…give the case up. It's too big for us, and I don't know who to trust with it. I don't know how to fight the people who had my mother killed. They seem to have carte blanche to kill and threaten and control. Whoever the man in control is, he's left a trail of destruction in his wake…my family, Roy's family, the other women who were killed around the same time as my mother. Who knows how many other families have been decimated by the same person. It's like they know what's going on by the time we do. That shooter today…he must have had Special Forces training. When we fought, I gave him my best hits, but he swatted me off like a fly. I'd have sworn that apartment was clear, but he appeared out of nowhere…even took Esposito by surprise. That doesn't happen too often. It was like he knew to watch for us…like he knew we were coming. How would he know? It isn't like he had left us much to find. It's like Raglan. I didn't tell anybody but you that he called, and you didn't have time to tell anybody else; but they knew where to send a sniper."

Castle suddenly seemed to be considering something. "Maybe he did know you were coming."

"What do you mean? How?"

"To know as much as they do, they need eyes and ears everywhere. We know that. They needed to keep an eye on you, and more than likely on Roy, so there's probably at least one informant in the precinct, and maybe electronic 'ears.' How did we miss checking on that before now? Do you want the option of keeping your job?"

"Maybe. Probably. I really don't know."

"Would you trust me to talk to Gates in the morning? Check her office and the team's desks while I'm there?"

"I'm a big girl, Castle. I can talk to her myself."

"I know that. But it would give us a chance to ask to talk to her away from the precinct. We have to either give up your mother's case entirely or turn it over to somebody we can trust to handle it carefully. The decision is yours; but to keep you alive, it has to be one or the other. Do you think you can trust Gates?"

"I've begun to lately, but it's hard to trust anybody anymore."

He turned on the bar stool to face her, caught her hand when she started to pace again, and pulled her into the V of his legs, wrapping his arms around her waist. "My gut says we can trust Gates. Whatever this is, it's too big for the team to handle alone. For your safety and all our families' safety, we have to either give it up or trust somebody; and a by-the-book former Internal Affairs investigator is probably a good place to start. She hasn't always been happy with us, but there hasn't been a single time that she hasn't come through for her detectives when it was necessary. If she were a part of it, wouldn't it have been easier to just let them kill you? To solve their problem for them, all she needed to do was to hold off on getting the team in there until it was too late…but she did get people there in time. As long as I live, I'll be grateful to her for that."

"I hadn't thought that far yet…but you're probably right." Suddenly something from earlier in their conversation dawned on her. "Wait. Are you saying you actually have something in your bag of toys to sweep for bugs?"

He smiled mischievously. "You'd be surprised what I've bought in the name of research."

She smiled and shook her head in amusement. "I'm afraid to ask." Then she looked more serious again. "Okay. Talk to Gates as an excuse…I trust you. And when you talk to whoever your contact is again, tell him I agree. I'll stop."

"I know how hard that is for you, but I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear it."

"I don't want them after you or your family...or the boys, either." As an afterthought, she added, "And after tonight, I don't want to die before I have a lot of years to share a bed with Richard Castle," she added.

"The bed is in there waiting for us," he answered, giving her a look that, even in the very dim light, left her wanting him again.

7