Bittersweet ending:) I'm hoping this is more realistic about regenerations and love.

*Warning: there iare mentions of rape

Four Letter Words
by mynameisvaleria

How had it come to this?

One second, Hayley Grace was watching her bow-tie adorned Doctor save the world (once again, might she mention), and when she glanced at her watch he was whispering his last words, that wretched smile stretching his face. The smile did not touch his eyes (it was the smile she always saw whenever Gallifrey was mentioned)- it brought the sadness in them.

Once upon a time, she knew she would stay with him. Once upon a time, he had her right in the centre of his palm, and he made her believe in that four-letter word. Once upon a time, Hayley Song knew that, in a universe where all her faith in humanity had long ceased to exist, the Doctor was all she ever needed to survive.

Even now, as he started to change his face, she knew that she was safe. She knew that he would always be true- even though her Doctor was gone, the Doctor was still here. Hayley was certain that he would be the same. He will get used to her, will he not? After 2 whole years, he had finally taught her another four-letter word: hope.

It wasn't the fact that he was… older that surprised her. It was that he looked at her with something like a mixture of shock and disgust decorating his face. From that moment on, the smile on Hayley's face had been a courtesy, not a reflection of what was in her head. She looked at him intently, studying his new appearance. I'm in love with who he is, not what he looks like. I can get used to this. Besides, he's not too bad-looking either. And he's Scottish.

'Doctor?' Clara asked tentatively.

Hayley stood like a ghost on the sidelines.

'Does anyone know how to fly this thing?' he asked, frowning.

Clara and Hayley shared a worried glance. 'Doctor, it isn't funny,' Hayley said quietly, already shaken up by him changing. 'Please tell me you remember how to fly the TARDIS. We're about to crash.'

This Doctor did not smile- not like her Doctor. He just stared at her like she had said something funny- something ridiculously outrageous. If Hayley Song did not know what it was like to be comforting a crying girl, she would be in tears right now- and this was a confession she did not make often.

Clara looked over again. 'What do we do?'

'He'll figure it out. We just need to be here for him,' Hayley answered, a little grim smile on her face. It told Clara of the pains Hayley Grace hid underneath her skin and bones, as she often had thought. The Doctor- this Doctor, only looked over at her like she was a pitiful little thing, and she did not need that. Looking away, she retreated into a corner of the TARDIS, hoping that she could get her emotions under control because she knew that at a time like this, the Doctor needed her. Her Doctor would have needed her anyway.

She put on a brave face and stepped up to the console. 'Doctor, you have to remember. Please. I know you're disoriented and confused and you don't know who you are right now but please- we need you right now. The TARDIS needs you right now.'

The Doctor looked over at her again. He looked apologetic; like he knew who she was and just didn't want to face her. She was so afraid of that facial expression. It spoke to her in volumes- way more than his nervous babbles ever did. Hayley Grace stared back at him, wondering if she would ever see her Doctor's kind eyes staring back at him. And at the end of it all, Hayley Grace had never ever gotten a chance to ever say she loved him, even though she knew he would never accept her anyway (but Hayley Grace never expected anything else).

Hayley Grace just closed her eyes and sighed. She was discouraged and she wanted to dig up a hole to crawl in. 'I'm going to try and fly this thing, Clara.'

The brown-haired girl gawked at her. 'Hayley, the TARDIS hates you!' she exclaimed. 'She's not just going to let you fly her!'

Hayley rolled her eyes. 'Well, it's not as if I can control that. And if I don't try, all three of us will crash- I'm sure the TARDIS doesn't want that, does she?' she asked, purposefully aimed at the blue box.

The dark-haired girl tried- and she obviously failed. Miserably. The TARDIS spun from side to side, crashing out of the time vortex into... something. 'Doctor, what do I do!' she yelled in panic, pressing random buttons and pulling levers. 'I can't fly this, I'm killing all of us! Doctor!'

Hayley closed her eyes and collapsed onto ground. Everything was no more. She was going to die here- they were all going to die here and she could do nothing about it- the Doctor could do nothing about it.

Before she could reach the ground the TARDIS had stopped whirring, but instead got stuck into something. The Doctor fiddled with a few buttons and managed to move the TARDIS- but it was all wrong. They were now hurtling through time and space.

'Victorian London?'

A small smile broke across Hayley Song's tired face as she stared into the monitor. 'Still the same old predictable Doctor,' she commented, looking at him fondly until she realised what she was doing. 'We had a great time here, you know. With Madam Vastra and Jenny and Strax. Strax is just the cutest little character.'

Clara frowned. 'Strax? He's a Sontaran- not what I'd call little and cute, anyway.'

'He honestly couldn't be more threatening even if he tried,' Hayley laughed, remembering the Sontaran's violent little outbursts and the smiles that ensued. At that moment, the Doctor stumbled out of the TARDIS, and Hayley cried out before following suit. The Doctor was often impossible to predict, and when he just recently regenerated, things got more complicated (or so she assumed, anyway).

As she did, she stumbled into Jenny.

'Clara? Hayley? What's going on? Where's the Doctor?' she asked, watching the older man searching the environment for something. Hayley stared, somehow thinking that the Doctor seemed like he was searching for a piece of himself, and it broke her heart to know that. 'Who's that?!'

Hayley turned to Jenny, her dark eyes finally watering before she could stop it. 'That's the Doctor, Jenny. That's the Doctor- he's changed- regenerated, and he doesn't even know me anymore.'

'Oh, Hayley,' Jenny simply uttered as she wrapped an arm around her, squeezing tightly and affectionately. 'He'll remember you, I promise.'

'Oi, you!' the Doctor exclaimed, and Hayley quickly snapped her attention to the Doctor, eyes alert. He gestured her over, and nearly fell over his own feet as he did so. She immediately fell over her own feet trying to reach him in the fastest way possible. Jenny watched, wishing that the young girl loved the Doctor a little less, just so it wouldn't hurt her when she realised that this regeneration was different than the last one. 'Who are you? Where have you brought me?'

The quiet tears leaked out of her eyes like a broken faucet. 'Doctor, I'm Hayley.'

She reached forward to touch him, trying to make him feel her words, but a look of cautiousness came over his face and he reeled back. Feeling like she'd just been betrayed, she retracted her arm and just stared at him. The visual contact made her realise how much it did not matter that the age gap between them was not miles apart. She just wanted him to realise that it was her.

And then the Doctor collapsed.

Hayley Grace caught him in her arms as he fell, reminiscing all the times that had been the other way around. I'm saving him- for once in my life, I'm catching him before he falls. As he falls unconscious, Hayley just held him, quietly sobbing into him, holding on all she could before anything could fade. 'Doctor, I'm Hayley- why won't you remember me anymore?'

Clara stood by, not wanting to interrupt this- she had never seen Hayley Grace in such a state once in her life. Hayley was always calm and collected and cool.

Hayley was still holding onto him when a hand was placed onto her shoulder. She looked up into a grim expression. 'We have to go now. We can't stay here.'

'He's not staying here either,' she said quietly, and Madam Vastra agreed, nodding.

With a reassuring squeeze around the shoulder, Clara tried to offer a little bit of comfort to her friend as they walked on foot back to Madam Vastra's residence.

XXXXX

'I've wondered if he'll be the same again. And I've realised he won't ever be. It doesn't mean I won't be fine with that, Madame Vastra, it's just that... I'm afraid he won't love me. and I can see that happening- I can see the look in his eyes fading away as every minute passes and I am so scared,' Hayley confessed.

Clara looked over at her. 'He's old now.'

If Hayley Song had thought something wrong with Clara's statement, she did not show it. Madam Vastra, on the other hand, looked deeply affected by it. 'Jenny, get my veil.'

Both companions looked up, slightly shocked at Madam Vastra's demand. 'I... what do you need it for?' Hayley asked quietly.

'Shush, this is not for you,' Vastra whispered. 'You need to calm down, Hayley. It's all going to be fine, all right?'

Hayley nodded like she truly understood, while she obviously had not. Her didn't see, for the life of her, how she could possibly be all right when everything was falling right down on her. Nevertheless, she let Jenny lead her on. 'Why's she doing this?' Clara whispered to Hayley, frowning.

Hayley simply shrugged. She didn't really have the strength- nor heart to answer the confused- and impossible girl at the moment. There was an expression of confusion on her face, and Hayley wished she could answer her, but every cell in her body was crying.

XXXXX

It had been the Impossible Girl's name on the advert, not Hayley Grace. Clara Oswald was the girl he had looked for in his dark days and Hayley was heartbroken. She wished she could understand why this was, but alas, she didn't. Now she was listening to Eleven phone Clara, convincing her to stay with him, and again, she wished she knew why it wasn't her on the phone, but she didn't.

And then as Clara hung up her phone, hers rang. 'Hello, Doctor,' she answered, a bitter smile hanging off her lips as she looked at the Doctor.

'Hayley, no matter what, I'm still the same Doctor, you know that?' he was saying, and she was in tears, because she knew it- but for some reason, the Doctor that was staring back at her didn't.

'Yeah. Yeah, I do, Doctor. I do understand. You need to know that whatever happens-'

Eleven interrupted. 'No, Hayley. I don't want you to promise. You won't know who I am, and I don't want you to regret it. But I need you to know this- that I will love you through whatever that happens and nothing can change that. Even if I'm too grey for you, Hayley, I will still love you.'

Hayley Grace stood in front of a stranger and her best friend, and she wondered if she had ever cried so hard that she couldn't breathe. 'But I will! I will love you even though you're grey and... and old and I don't care! But you- you- how is it fair for you to make promises? If you make that promise and you don't keep it- Why do you think you're going to keep it!' she exclaimed, feeling slightly foolish to be yelling at a phone.

'Because, Hayley,' he breathed, in obvious pain, 'I am the Doctor. And as long as I am the Doctor, I will continue loving you. I will continue loving you as long as I am the Doctor and you are Hayley Grace. So Hayley, I will make that promise, and I will keep it. Hayley, I love you, and goodbye.'

And because Hayley Grace was herself, and she didn't want to fight with a regenerating Doctor- or rather, have the last moments of her Doctor fighting with her, she choked back her sobs. 'I know. I love you, Doctor. Theta. Whatever your name is. Listen to me and know this- I will love you unconditionally and for the rest of my short, unimportant life. Goodbye, bow-tie and suspenders.'

She imagined the smile on his face as he contentedly put down the phone. She imagined his last words floating in the air like smoke before dissipating, slowly disintegrating into the air. And isn't that what's happening?

Fiercely, Hayley Grace wiped away the waterfall that was streaming down her face.

She waited until he had mended things with Clara. He pulled himself away from Clara with much effort. 'It's not possible, Hayley. I'm usually right for a lot of things, Hayley. That wasn't one of them. You were right.'

That bitter smile was back on her face again. The smile that both broke his heart a little and made him a little more determined. 'Doctor,' she reassured him softly, 'I knew before you hung up the phone. Same memories, same Doctor, different personality, different taste.'

Twelfth nodded. He wished he could tell her how sorry he was, but he knew it could hardly begin to make up for the pain he knew she was feeling. 'Different face, different taste. This one is hardly romantic. You're too young to be seen with me anyway.'

She managed to nod minisculely. 'Right. This isn't the first time anyway,' she whispered. At least her voice didn't break, she thought. 'All the best then, Doctor. I really enjoyed travelling with you. We had a wonderful time- really.'

'What?' he exclaimed, eyes going wide. 'Wait, no. I'm not abandoning you. Do you want to go home?'

'No!' she shook her head fiercely. 'I thought... I thought you didn't want to...'

Somewhere in her, she risked a sigh of relief. Maybe it wasn't such a lost cause after all. 'No,' he said firmly, giving her a look, annoyed that she had even suggested that option in the first place. 'We can still go travelling across time and all the stars.'

'Mondays?' she suggested, a weak smile pulling at her lips. 'I don't think I can handle all the days of the week.'

The Doctor's expression was unreadable.

XXXXX

She wondered if Twelfth liked breaking his promises. It would be pliable- in fact, she was the evidence of this.

Maybe it was because of Torchwood, or maybe it was because of the time rift- that she knew the Doctor had to refuel sometime, she relocated herself to Cardiff. Hayley Grace thought it was essentially the most boring town ever, but then everything was, now.

And then three sharp raps sounded on her front door.

Frowning, she pulled open the door. What awaited her was just slightly a pleasant surprise. 'Hello.'

Despite in obvious pain (there was a bullet hole in his shoulder, for god's sake), the figure looked up and shot a dazzling smile at her. 'Captain Jack Harkness'

She let herself indulge in a small smile. 'I'm Hayley Song,' she answered, at that moment understanding who he was at once. 'Do you need help? Medical assistance, I mean-'

He grinned. 'That's all right, I'm going to be fine after a bit. I just need somewhere to hide a while as it heals. Can you do that for me, Hayley?'

That spark of excitement was noticeable- in fact, it was the only thing he saw in her eyes that spoke for itself. 'Most definitely. Most pleasurably,' she answered, gesturing around her home. 'It's not that often I meet a handsome man who asks if they can stay in my home. And the answer to that question is always yes.'

'Need a little...help,' he panted, which quickly snapped her to attention. With one arm around his waist, she draped his body over hers, and supported him to her bed. 'Inviting me to bed so quickly?'

She laughed. 'Keep it in your trousers, Harkness.'

After a while when he seemed to get better, he opened his eyes and stared at the wall in front of her. An expression of shock came over his features, and he turned to her. 'You-'

'I knew the Doctor, yes,' she answered, smiling. 'I knew Eleventh- I know you didn't, but he talked often of you. Jack Harkness, the impossible, immortal man.'

He grinned at her, the friendliness back in her eyes. 'You're his companion, then?'

'Was. He always abandons us in the end. Whatever he promises, don't believe him. Rule number one, the Doctor lies. Even about the most important things.'

Jack Harkness sat up, studying the photos on her wall. 'Does the new Doctor always do that?' he asked, knowing that she understood that he meant the layer of intimacy between Hayley and the Time Lord. In the leftmost photo, the Doctor had picked up Hayley, her arms tightly wound around his neck.

Hayley stared at the picture, before ripping down from the wall, folding it in half and placing it under her lamp.

'Well, he told me he loved me, so I guess that warrants me different- but how different, I'm not exactly sure. It seems not very much, since those feelings have pretty much long since flown away.'

Jack looked over at the dark-haired girl with sympathy, and just a little disbelief. 'The Doctor wouldn't do that,' he said softly, his belief unwavering and firm. A million emotions. Ran through his mind- he did not want to be disappointed. What he had believed in all his life- he didn't want them to come crashing down on him.

'You must not have known him very well, then,' she replied bitterly. 'He was a different man. He'd regenerated. Different face, different taste. I don't blame him- at least I tried not to. But it's hard sometimes. You just think about it, and he suddenly becomes the object of your hatred- he doesn't exactly make it difficult for you either.'

He merely turned over to look at her, an inquiring look in his eyes. He challenged her. Oh really?

'I can see the doubt in your eyes,' she chuckled. 'You don't have to believe me, you know. It just... he has that effect on people- making people trust him completely. Just watch Amy Pond.'

She stood up. 'Well, hope you've gotten better. Or I'm going to have to take you to the hospital.'

'You know you don't hate him, do you?' he asked, an eyebrow raised in amusement. 'Or you wouldn't be in Cardiff. I know that. I've been there- I've done that.'

Hayley Grace smiled. 'Yeah, I know that. Rift energy- refuel. Either that, or he would come to Torchwood sooner or later. You know how he is- can't resist a good adventure.'

He grinned. 'Couldn't say it more accurately,' he replied. 'I'm fine though- immortal.'

She rolled her eyes, but a smile was present on her face.

XXXXX

Over the course of a year, Hayley Grace had integrated herself into the Torchwood social circle. Even though the others were accepting enough, she knew Owen's friendliness was purely based on his attraction, so the first person she'd go for was still Captain Jack Harkness. They were time travellers- time travel changed how people saw things, and Jack Harkness was the only one who saw what she saw.

This particular night, Hayley was walking home from Torchwood. Things hardly scared her anymore, but for less obvious reason, dark alleys still managed to do so.

And it seems, her fear was not without reason, because she could hear footsteps behind her, and the fact that it was human scared her more than it should. Sparing a second to glance back at that human being was unwise, because as soon as she had done so, she felt herself crashing into the wall. A sickening crunch resonated in the alley, and she could feel the edges of her vision going dark.

All of a sudden, she had fallen onto the floor, and a dark figure was standing over her.

'What's a young girl like you doing here so late?'

She crossed her arms in front of her as if it could protect her from anything. 'What do you want? Because you won't get away with this. Whatever you want.'

He laughed, grabbing her hair and pulling her up. She shrieked in pain, fire burning at her scalp. 'Stop! I'll scream for help. I know Torchwood- if you- you won't come out of this alive, I swear-'

'Oh, I just love it when Torchwood is involved,' he growled, 'I'll enjoy this much better now that you've mentioned it. I'll enjoy it better if I kill you in the process. So if you survive this, tell Torchwood what awaits them.'

Her eyes widened as one of his hand slipped down towards her shorts. 'W-what are you-'

'I'm drunk and horny- and now I'm angry, you little bitch, so cooperate, or God help me, I will hurt you.'

It was nothing to her. She screamed, only to be slapped across the face harshly. Without wasting time, he slammed her on top of one of the crates in the alley. 'I warned you, little slut, you've brought this upon yourself,' he snarled. Then, he unzipped her shorts, pulling it down.

Hayley Grace braced herself. There were things she would never get over. Fear that would seize her right around the throat and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until she couldn't breathe anymore. She closed her eyes.

And then pain.

The pain exploded behind her eyelids- everywhere. They ran through her bloodstream, spreading throughout her whole body. 'Doctor!' Hayley couldn't believe that to this day, the Doctor was the only one she could involuntarily blurt out when she was in need. She made an extra effort to call for Jack.

Her perpetrator merely laughed, inconsiderate of her pains. His only objective, as he had said, was to hurt her, and satisfy his whims and desires. To put in simpler words, he did not give a fuck about her.

Hayley Grace did not know if it was merely in her head, but she heard the TARDIS materialising (with the breaks on) distantly. 'Doctor!' she called again, hoping she was not mistaken.

And perhaps mistaken she was- or maybe simply because he could not care less about her, all she heard was silence, other than the screams inside her head. This moment was so reminiscent of the one that had happened before she met him. In that distant memory, she saw the Doctor stopping her from jumping off the edge of the bridge- whilst in this one, she could see the Doctor walking away from her. Funny how things could be so different when you change your face.

When he was finally finished, she was hanging on a thread of willpower. That one pint of hope that told her not to give up- and she didn't. She held on tight, telling herself that she was not going down that road again. Because this time, no one is going to save me but myself, and I refuse to let myself down.

It took her quite a long time to recover. She sat with her knees pulled tight against her, willing the pain away. She waited until she decided she was able to walk. Then, using the wall as leverage, she pulled herself up and walked home.

When she arrived home, a note was by her bedside.

Call Jack Harkness.

At once, she knew the Doctor had been there, and her hope did not need much imagination.

But it was evident, as well, that it obviously meant that the Doctor had seen her- had heard her calls for help but refused to step out in the time that she had needed him the most. For that, Hayley didn't know how to feel. She understood how the Doctor was- how he was bad with goodbyes, but this? This was just cold.

She had been crying when her phone rang.

Sniffing, she tried to withdraw her tears. 'Hello?'

'I'm ten minutes away from your apartment. When I arrive, I'm going to hear what happened from your perspective,' Jack Harkness said sharply. 'He told you to call me. Why didn't you?'

Hayley bit her lip so hard it drew blood. 'I'm not going to be home when you get here, Harkness.'

'Just try me, Hayley Grace, because I'm 10 seconds from blowing up a building right now,' he said dryly. 'Someone attacked you, and I intend to find out why.'

And then the line went dead.

Hayley Grace picked up her keys and put on her coat.

As soon as she had stepped out the door in an attempt to avoid him, she turned the corner and walked right into his arms. 'Were you trying to avoid me?' he asked in disbelief, keeping a tight grip on her arm so she had nowhere to run to.

'Yes,' she answered truthfully. 'I didn't see the need-'

'Do you fucking know how worried I was to wake up to a note in the office saying you've been attacked and that I should call you?' he snapped. 'What the fuck? So tell me, Hayley Grace, what happened?'

'Are you not giving me a choice now? Because he didn't give me a choice either,' she accused, trying anything to shake him off.

His grip tightened, and practically dragged her back into her apartment. 'It's different,' he barked, seething with anger. 'You're hurt and this is my responsibility. It happened while you were coming back from Torchwood. This makes it worse. Why won't you tell me!'

'Because!' she shouted, tears breaking free and forming a free fall. 'Because this isn't the first time it happened, Jack! And he was there last time but this time he wasn't there to save me! Except he was there because I heard his TARDIS and when I came back from home there was a note that told me to call you-'

'Then why didn't you?' he asked softly.

She sighed, the anger having been sucked right out of her. 'Because this isn't the first time it happened, and I'm not going to try to kill myself again, if that's what you're suggesting! I tried the first time, but it doesn't mean I'll do it again!'

That drained the blood from his face. 'You tried to kill yourself?'

'I've told you. Before I met the Doctor, the same thing happened. Only, he found me sitting on the edge of the bridge, and pulled me into travelling with him. Now I know better. Besides, if I get my hope up this time, who says you'll bother to help the next time it happens?'

His gaze hardened. 'No, I won't be there, because it's not going to happen ever again.'

'You people and your promises,' she said softly.

'I keep my promises, Hayley Grace. If for one moment I am alive and well, I will keep my promise,' he said firmly, forcing her to look into his eyes. 'I won't be like him, Hayley Grace. If for one moment I'm lying, I swear- just... if I'm able and I'm aware, then I will keep my promise.'

She sighed, settling down onto the floor in exasperation.

(two years later)

After two years of trying to pass the empty moments by herself, she had somewhat gotten used to the loneliness that she still felt on special occasions. It was inevitable, she knew. Life could give her everything- the whole of the universe served on a platter- yet, in the end she knew she only had herself to depend on.

Without warning, the doorbell rang.

She pushed it wide open when she saw no one through the peephole. Before she could marvel at the fact that the blue box was right in front of her, the door slammed open.

But what awaited her sight was not Twelfth (or even Eleventh, as she had fantasised). Instead, a man (approximately in his thirties) was standing right in front of her, an exceptionally bright smile staring back at her. Confused, she took a step back, until that strangely familiar pair of eyes showed a bit of disappointment.

'Doctor?' she whispered. 'Have you regenerated again?'

He smiled sadly and nodded.

She smiled. 'Look at you. Still not ginger.'