Star Trek belongs to Paramount. I don't even live near any mountains so...yeah. I'm not them.
Chapter 1: The Angry Warrior and The Woman Warrior Seek Peace
by Lelila
It started one night about 3 ½ months after they returned from New Earth. The incident with Seska and the child she told him was his but wasn't was in the past, and Chakotay was over that (or at least he told himself so).
Still, he'd been very restless. Inner peace, especially when he was alone, was elusive. A vision quest where he'd asked for quiet had been very confusing. The only thing that had made any sense about it was the frequent appearances of his captain.
In pondering the vision, he quickly realized that the quietest his inner demons had ever been was when he and Kathryn had been on New Earth: when they were both relaxed and not worried about appearances or protocol or regulations and her laugh was frequent and her smile nearly constant.
He was able to find some of that in their weekly dinners, especially when the conversation turned from Voyager matters. They told each other silly stories about their childhoods and Academy days, had deep discussions about literature and science and even occasionally dipped into touchy topics like philosophy and religion. They didn't always agree, but they always respected each others opinions.
Despite Kathryn's insistence that their relationship remain platonic, Chakotay found himself seeking her out every chance he got. She worked well past the ends of her shifts much of the time, but he could usually coax her into having a small meal with him. He still spent a significant portion of his off-time with the crew; he considered that part of his job and was a genuinely sociable person, but when he knew that both he and Kathryn were off-duty he would make a point of visiting her.
And so, one night well after midnight, he found himself going back to his quarters after a couple of raucous games of pool at Sandrine's. He had to pass Kathryn's quarters to get there, and, almost without thinking, he stopped in front of her door. He rang the chime and she immediately called for him to come in.
The door opened to reveal her sprawled on her sofa, stripped to her tank with her uniform boots lying carelessly beneath the coffee table. She looked up from the PADD she was reading. "Chakotay. Is something the matter?"
He walked in just far enough to let the door cycle shut behind him. "No," he replied, clutching his hands behind his back. "I was just wondering if you'd like to join me for a glass of wine."
Kathryn glanced at the chronometer on her PADD. "At this hour?"
"You caught me," he grinned. "This is actually a First Officer ruse to try and get the Captain to relax and get some sleep."
Kathryn shook her head, but Chakotay caught the crooked smile on her face. "What the hell," she chuckled after a moment. "I'm not getting anywhere with this anyway." She tossed her PADD on the table.
"Red or white?" he asked, crossing to the replicator.
"Red," she called. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her swing her legs down and set her elbows on her knees so she could rub her temples.
"Any other preferences?"
She looked up at him, letting her arms dangle over her knees, betraying her exhaustion. "Is there such a thing as coffee wine?"
He couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think so."
"Then, whatever." She waved a hand at him, settling back into the cushions.
He ordered two glasses of Merlot and joined her in the sitting area. He handed her her glass and she smiled at him before swinging her feet up onto the sofa and pulling up her knees to allow room for him at the other end. She sipped her wine and asked: "So, to what do I owe this late-night visit? It can't simply be to share a glass of wine."
He settled into the other corner and grinned. "Is it against protocol to say that I enjoy your company?"
She smirked at him. "No," she replied before averting her eyes and taking a long pull at her wine. "Although Lt. Cmdr Cavit might have thought so."
"Voyager's first XO?"
"Mmm hmm," she nodded into her wine before looking up. Her face was a bit more open now. "He was a good officer. A bit smug, but a good officer. And more by-the-book than Harry."
Chakotay chuckled. "I didn't think that was possible."
Kathryn shook her head. "For Voyager's original mission, that three weeks in the Badlands, he probably was the perfect man for the job. But for where we ended up..." She shook her head again. "It wouldn't have been easy with him in the position."
"And it's been such a walk in the park so far," Chacotay joked, hoping to pull her out the pensive mood she seemed to be lapsing in and out of.
She favored him with a crooked smile. "He would not have liked having Maquis on this crew. I'm sure he would have argued to find a way to lock you all up in the brig for the entire trip."
Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "All forty of us? For seventy-five years?"
"He would have thought of something," she smirked into her glass before taking another sip. Sighing, she turned to look out the viewport as she hooked an arm over the back of the sofa. "While I regret every person we've lost, I have to say that I think things worked out for the best when it came to the First Officer for this journey." She turned her eyes back to his and smiled softly. "And I know I never would have gained such a good friend."
He returned her smile and reached across the back of the sofa, taking her hand.
They regarded each other in silence for a few moments, sipping their wine. Finally Chakotay spoke softly. "Kathryn, may I ask you a personal question?"
The pensive look in her eyes evaporated as she tossed him a cockeyed smirk. "You can ask. I can't promise I'll answer."
"Fair enough," he returned lightly before letting her pensiveness infect him. He squeezed her hand gently before looking into her eyes and asking: "Do you ever think about New Earth?"
Her smile disappeared as she cast her eyes back into her wine glass. "Sometimes," she answered softly before looking back up. "Do you?"
He put his wine on the table and pulled at his earlobe, but didn't break her gaze. "More than sometimes." He squeezed her hand again. "Do you miss it?"
"Some things," she answered quietly. "The bathtub," she said, seemingly forcing a smile onto her lips. "I definitely miss the bathtub. These Starfleet issue ones just aren't the same."
His smile was real. "I think it's still in the cargo bay. I could retrofit it if you like."
Her smile turned genuine. "That won't be necessary, but thank you." She looked shyly at him through her lashes. "That's still maybe the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."
He threaded his fingers through hers. "What else do you miss?"
He watched a number of emotions cross over her face as her gaze fell back to her wine. "The sound of the wind in the trees," she whispered. "The smell of the earth after it rained. The buzz of the metallic water bugs over the river." She shifted in her seat, seeming a bit uncomfortable with what she was about to say. "Not having to worry about things like how to cut power consumption without denying the crew things like replicator privileges." She gestured with her glass to the PADD that lay abandoned on her table. She drained the last of her wine and pulled a deep breath, seemingly gathering herself. "And you?" She looked back into his eyes. "What do you miss?"
Chakotay's insides warmed and cooled at the same time. He felt like something important was about to happen, but he wasn't sure what. He wasn't even sure why he picked this topic of conversation to begin with. "So much," he answered, feeling his breath start to quicken a little. "The surge of the river around my ankles. The discovery of finding ways to use the resources around us. Lying beneath the stars and finding new constellations. Hearing your laughter on the breeze. Finding new ways to make you smile. I miss...I miss us, Kathryn."
Kathryn pulled her hand from his, her face becoming hard. "Chakotay, we've talked about this..."
"No, not like that." He reached his now empty hand to her, hoping to regain the growing intimacy that had suddenly shattered. "I'm not talking about anything we can't have. I'm talking about what we did have. The ease of our rapport, the comfort we took in each others presence. I get flashes of it sometimes, during our weekly dinners, during times like this, but…" He sighed, sagging back into the sofa. "It's not been the same."
Kathryn pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She rest her chin on one knee and looked at him, her expression softening as the silence between them expanded. "I miss us too," she finally whispered.
Chakotay felt like his heart might burst; he knew she felt for him what he did for her, at least to an extent. But the only response he could come up with at that moment was a huge smile.
She returned the gesture somewhat shyly as she leaned forward and dropped a foot to the floor, tucking her other leg under her as she scooted a bit closer to him. "Is this about the Angry Warrior?" she asked as she softly slipped her fingers back into his palm.
His smile faded as he nodded. "While his pledge stands, and always will, he's finding it harder to find peace lately, especially when he's not around the Woman Warrior."
Compassion shone in her eyes and Chakotay had to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. "I've seen it," she whispered. She leaned back a little, but kept her hand in his. "The Woman Warrior feels much the same way, and, as long as the Angry Warrior doesn't ask anything from her that she hasn't already given, he's welcome in her quarters whenever she's there."
Chakotay was certain that his heart would burst now, and had the strongest urge to use the hand nestled in his to pull her to him and kiss her. Somehow he was able to restrain himself and settled for squeezing her hand and smiling broadly.
"And you don't need some pretense like sharing a glass of wine with me at 0230 in the morning. I enjoy your company too." She grinned as she leaned forward to grab his abandoned glass, downing the remainder of the wine in one long pull.
"Kathryn!"
"Oh please, it's synthahol," she dismissed as she settled back against the armrest, pulling her knees up again. "And even if it were real, two glasses – one and a half glasses – of wine is hardly enough to get me drunk."
Chacotay arched an eyebrow. "Oh really?
"Is that a challenge, Commander?"
"Absolutely not. I'm certain you've drunk your share of crewmen under the table."
Kathryn laughed. "Well, maybe not under the table, but I can keep up with most. Or at least look like I am." She winked at him.
A shiver shot down his spine and prickled his groin, but he hid it by laughing back. "I never would have taken you for a hustler."
"Really?" She looked surprised. "You've played pool with me."
"That's true." He paused. "I take it back; you are quite the hustler."
She saluted him with his empty glass. "I'll take that as a compliment."
"As it's meant to be," Chakotay grinned. The unrest he'd come here with was gone. A great satisfaction washed over him as he appreciated the fact that they could go from a deeply personal discussion to joking and laughing within a few moments.
They fell into silence again, this time happy and comfortable. There was so much he suddenly wanted to say, to do...but he knew she needed to take the lead in this. The fact that she'd admitted she'd missed what they had was actually a big step, as was inviting him back into her private life. She'd show him when it was appropriate to share those things.
"Well," he finally said, "pretenses aside, you really should get some rest."
"Is that the Angry Warrior talking or my First Officer?"
"Both." He stood and tugged her to her feet with the hand he still held. He took his glass from her and was about to drop her hand and pick up the other one when he saw her looking up at him. She was quite short without her boots on and a brief bout of vertigo passed through Chakotay as he felt for a moment he was going to fall into the clear blue of her eyes. He squeezed her hand again. Oh, how he wanted to kiss her!
"Here, I'll get that," she said softly as she took the glass back from him. "You need your rest too."
The moment passed and he managed a smirk to cover his swirling emotions. "Is that the Woman Warrior or my Captain speaking?"
"Both," she echoed, dropping his hand and giving his shoulder a little push. "But mostly the Captain. I need you wide awake in case I'm not."
Chakotay chuckled. "Yes ma'am." He took a few steps towards her door as she gathered the other glass and headed for the replicator. He paused, looking back at her. "Good night, Kathryn."
She looked up at him, smiling softly. "Good night, Chakotay. See you in the morning."
He nodded and headed back to his quarters, his heart quite a bit lighter.
ETA: I'm so embarrassed! I misspelled Chakotay's name throughout the whole story. I think I have them all fixed now...
Warning: long, rambling author's note ahead.
Well, the muse has gone and done it again. Whispering all this really great stuff to me about a new story when I've got three others already going. The only way to make her shut up and get back to proper work is to write this all down. So here we are, chapter one of a new story and a page and a half of notes for what comes next...
It's probably my own fault. I recently started binge-watching Star Trek: Voyager on Netflix. I'd watched most of it when it originally ran, but I found that I really didn't remember very much of it. It was a pleasant surprise, because it felt like I got a whole bunch of new stories about characters I already knew and loved. I've become rather obsessed with Captain Janeway; she is one of the strongest, smartest, most complex characters I think I've ever seen. You fanboys can argue Kirk vs Picard all you want; my choice for the best Star Trek captain is Kathryn Janeway!
I've also become rather obsessed with Janeway's relationship with Chakotay; even after it became very clear that they'd never be more than friends, the chemistry between them still crackled. And, being the geek that I am, I had to find out why the writers didn't explore that more.
After digging around a bit on YouTube, I found a couple of con panels that Kate Mulgrew did. And in answer to that question (which always got asked), she answered that it her doing; she'd put her foot down with the producers and said that if she was going to be the captain, then they were going to do it right and she was going to be the captain and not just some love interest for the men in the cast. Putting myself in her shoes, I can only applaud her. That was the right decision. Remember, this was almost twenty years ago and the glass ceiling was still pretty low in some places. The idea of a female captain in Star Trek was not universally accepted; in fact there was some pretty negative backlash at the time and the producers were ordered by the studio to audition male actors for the role even though they wanted a woman. Given all of that, and the fact that she was the second choice for the role, I grow more and more in awe of Mulgrew's performance with every episode.
BUT...being the shipper that I am...I couldn't let it go, and neither could the muse. And so this started bubbling up into my brain. It's a ((not really a) spoiler alert!) what-if-Kathryn-changed-her-mind-about-having-a-relationship-with-Chakotay story. I've seen these done a couple ways: some are very rigid with the rest of the canon and others go off in completely different directions. This, I think, will be kind of a hybrid between the two. The framework of the show will be the main framework of the story, but the time-line might get moved around a little and stuff is going to get left out. Plus some major things will change. Be on the lookout for a new alien race that may or may not cause problems for our favorite Delta Quadrant crew. :-)
That said, I hesitate to call this au (alternate universe). While technically that is true (au is anything that didn't or couldn't happen within the existing canon), there's au and then there's AU. There's the au I like to read and write – stuff that could have happened in canon if the writers had zagged instead of zigged. And then there's AU where characters' ages/sexes/relationships/backgrounds and the setting are TOTALLY different from canon. That's usually what I think of when I see something labeled au. That's not what this is. Also, the rating will probably go up at some point, but for now I saw no reason in giving it an M rating since what's up here now doesn't qualify.
So...I think I've rambled on enough. If you've read any of my other stuff, you know I'm not the kind to update every day or even every week. It'll go up when I get it done. But I do hope you like it and will take a minute to let me know what you think so far.