Just a one-shot of Jane and Maura realizing they have feelings for each other set continuing from the sofa scene at the end of 5x10. It's cute, I think. Enjoy:)
Jane and Maura watched meaningless television as hours passed. Every twenty minutes or so, they would change sitting positions. Sometimes it was minimal changes and sometimes quite substantially. At one point Jane had her legs across Maura's lap and the medical examiner was massaging her calves. They alternated in positions. It was mostly Jane that wanted them to shift. She couldn't stop fidgeting. She just couldn't stop thinking.
They were sitting in their primary position beside one another when Maura noticed her friend's hand shaking. It had been lightly resting on her lap, carelessly facing upwards in her relaxed position. The pathologist looked up at her dark eyes. Jane was forcing herself to stare at the television but her eyes were watery and she was biting her lip to stop it shaking. Maura had been waiting for this. Wondering when she'd cry.
Maura comfortingly picked up her hand and cradled it in her own. "You don't have to stop yourself. You can cry if you need to." She said softly. It seemed like Jane was fighting so hard not to. Her brow furrowed and she looked at Maura sadly.
"I never even met it. I don't know why I even care." She said with anger at herself. She seemed irritated that these tears had formed, like it wasn't worth her tears. She felt so weak and pathetic whenever she cried. All those tears wasted on Hoyt had done that to her.
"Jane it was part of you for quite a while. It is perfectly acceptable to mourn it. I can tell how much that baby meant to you." She stroked her hand with her thumbs.
Jane looked at her and bit her trembling lip again. Maura met her eye with a sad expression. It was painful to watch her friend in pain. Why do bad things always happen to good people? Maura thought to herself. Jane had been saving someone's life for god's sake! What was it- a life for a life now?
"It sucks." Jane said dismally. "It fucking sucks."
Maura looked at her sadly and nodded. She couldn't begin to comprehend how she felt but she knew that Jane was suffering. Despite how hard she was trying to cover it up. "What do you need?" The doctor asked, stroking a curly strand of dark hair away from Jane's face.
Jane looked at her for a moment and then glanced away again. "I don't know- I don't know what I need Maura." She said dejectedly. "I feel like I need everything and I want nothing at the same time."
"What do you mean?" Maura asked.
"I feel like I need to be just held for a while but then I also don't want my mom to touch me. Everything is like that. All jumbled up and opposites." Jane looked at her with upset frustration.
"Well how about you just listen to what you need. Ignore the doubts. That's probably more important to making you feel better. If you isolate yourself you'll just start to feel worse." She said softly, hoping that what she was saying was helpful.
Jane looked at her and nodded. She lightly stroked the fluffy blanket with her free hand. Maura always had such nice things in her house. She had all the things that Jane wanted without her even knowing she wanted them.
"I think you're right Maur. I'll try listen to those instead of both."
"Okay." Maura nodded. "So tell me. What do you need right now?"
Jane thought for a moment and then shook her head to herself. "No I just sound stupid. I sound like a pathetic child, not a cop."
"Maybe you can turn off badass cop mode just for a little while. I don't care what you sound like anyway. I care about my friend and her feeling better." She said to her honestly. "So try me. I'll see which ones we can manage and I promise I won't think that what you say it 'pathetic' or anything like that. I bet everything you ask is perfectly okay Jane."
Jane nodded. "I'm just going to be honest. You're not going allowed to use this against me at a later time." She lightly smiled.
"I would never." Maura said assertively.
Jane nodded, appreciating her quick response. She wiped her wet eyes and then began to speak, a little hesitant at first. "Like I said, I don't know- I feel like I need to be held for a while… it's stupid really-" She said uncomfortably.
"No it's not. Please continue with your list." She urged her. Maura picked up the remote and muted the TV. She needed quiet.
Jane raised her shoulders shyly. "I feel like I need to actually take this all in. It's like it hasn't hit yet and when it does it'll hit me hard. I tried to distract myself with work but I don't think that's working anymore. At night I get all these stupid thoughts that I'm a failure, I'm self- destructive, a ticking time bomb and that how the hell was a baby supposed to survive living inside of that. I think that I would have been a crap mother anyway, that maybe… that maybe this was better." She said weightlessly. "That even though it hurts now, it would have hurt the child way more if it'd had to grow up with me. I'd just screw things up or put them in danger. Homicide detectives don't get happy endings."
Maura sat and listened with a concerned look on her face. "No that's not true Jane. You would have been a fantastic mother. You still could be one day. A child would be lucky to have you." Jane wiped at her wet eyes and appreciatively nodded.
When Jane had been speaking Maura had so badly wanted to interrupt and disagree but she decided to let Jane go on. It was clear that Jane just wanted to spit these confessions out and be done with them. That maybe sharing them would take away some of the sting.
Jane sighed. "These thoughts wouldn't get to me if it was any other time of day y'know, but it's just there in the dark when I'm all alone, it's kind of hard not to believe them."
Maura nodded with understanding. She was haunted with similar thoughts occasionally. How would the Queen of the Dead ever be able or raise a living, breathing baby? She was so comforted by dead people; she felt that she was clueless when it came to the ones with their hearts still beating. Would it be the same if she were to have children one day? Would she feel equally as out of her depth? She shook away the thoughts. This was absolutely not the time to be thinking about herself. This was time to think about Jane and to help her in any way she could.
"Jane you would have been a wonderful mother and I don't think you're a time bomb at all. You're just someone earning a living and doing her best to do the right thing all the time. Just like everyone else you deserve the chance to be a mother. You'd be an excellent mom anyway. I've seen how you are with TJ."
Jane looked at her appreciatively and nodded. "Thanks Maura."
"So to recap: so far on your list, you'd like to be held. We can certainly do that one. What else do you need right now?"
"Ice-cream."
Maura gave her a soft smile. "Your mother said she was going to the store before she got back, I'll text and ask her to pick some up for you."
Jane nodded. "Thanks."
"What else?"
"I need my best friend to stop worrying because she's been doing a great job by just being herself anyway."
Maura smiled. "I haven't really done anything."
"Yes you have and you've just been yourself and been there for me when I needed you. That's all I really wanted from anyone. Just to be themselves and not act differently around me."
Maura nodded. "I suppose I'll do my best to continue then."
"You're always so great to me Maura. You find a positive in everything and at difficult times it's all anyone could really ask for, a friend like you. We're all very lucky." Jane said meaningfully.
Maura raised her eyebrows but shook her head modestly. "We're the lucky ones Jane."
This brought tears to Jane's eyes. Appreciatively, the detective leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her best friend, holding her close. Maura held her tight, rubbing her back soothingly.
"I love you Maura." Jane said softly as they pulled away.
Maura smiled. "I love you too, Jane."
"Please will you hold me now?"
"You don't want it to be your mother to do that?"
"Not when I have you. You make the cut Maur." Jane said fondly. "If that's okay of course."
"Yes, of course! Come here then." Maura smiled and gestured to her own body. With the blanket still embracing her legs, Jane shifted her body around so that she was sideways and the paused.
Maura looked at her willingly. "I'll cross my legs and you can sit in the middle if you like." She suggested, doing as she'd described. Jane nodded and carefully shifted into the gap of Maura's crossed legs. She was facing sideways now away from the TV but she didn't care because she was getting what she needed. She leaned her body against Maura's torso and the pathologist leaned back against the sofa. She pulled the woolly blanket up over Jane's whole body so that only her head resting on her shoulder was still visible. Jane felt warm and safe.
Maura rubbed her back over the blanket and planted a caring kiss on her forehead. "Is this what you had in mind?" She asked softly. Jane relaxed against her and rested her hand on Maura's hip. Her forehead was against the medical examiner's warm neck and she'd never felt so close to someone and safe in her whole life. Even her mom didn't hug as well as this.
"Yes, this is exactly what I meant." Jane nodded. She couldn't reach her cheek so she placed a slow kiss on Maura's neck. The doctor raised her eyebrows momentarily and then shook away any ridiculous thought.
"What was that for?" She asked instead.
"It was just for being you." Jane responded and placed a kiss on her neck again, this time it lingered a little longer. Maura's brow furrowed. This was just friendship. This was just her saying thank you and she couldn't access her cheek. It didn't mean anything significant. Stop over-thinking, she chastised herself.
Maura craned her neck and looked down at Jane. She was about to say something when all of her thoughts were shattered. Jane leant upwards and their lips connected. They kissed for a long moment and then both pulled away with mutually confused expressions.
Maura sat up with her back straight and looked at her. "What was that?" She asked. Jane shifted off from her lap and sat beside her, still with the blanket over them both.
"I don't know." She said quietly. "I'm sorry. You were looking after me and I got caught in the moment. I'm sorry."
Maura softly smiled and shook her head. "It's okay you really don't have to apologise. Jane, do we need to talk about something?" She asked.
Jane averted her eyes. "I don't know." She said unsurely. "Wait. You kissed me back." Her gaze returned to Maura.
"I guess I did. I do think we need to talk about this Jane."
"I don't know what to say Maur. I said I'm sorry. It just happened. What else is there to say?"
"Is that all, it just happened? Jane if you have some other feelings then we should talk about this." Maura didn't want to let on that she may share those feelings. She didn't want to make an idiot of herself if Jane really had meant nothing by the kiss.
"Maura I really don't want to talk about that. That's just another part of my fucked up life."
Maura sat up further. "What are you talking about? Please talk to me Jane."
Jane sighed frustratedly and rubbed her forehead. "You'll hate me and I don't think I can handle that right now. I need you in my life too much to fuck this up with something stupid like this."
"Jane you're not making any sense!" Maura said with more desperation.
Jane looked at her worried face. Why was she getting so upset over this? It was just a kiss, it didn't have to mean anything if she didn't want it to. Why couldn't they just get past it and forget about the whole thing? Jane had feelings for her and Maura was as straight as a ruler. It was as simple as that. What good could possibly come out of this?
"Stop getting upset." Jane said softly. "Look you're obviously freaked out about this, just forget it okay? It doesn't have to mean anything Maura."
"Jane are you trying to tell me you have feelings for me?"
"Maura please don't. This will just change things, probably for the worst and I don't want to do that. I'm happy the way things are now. I can't- I can't do this without you so please stop now. Let's just forget any of this happened." Jane sighed frustratedly and ran her hands back through her hair.
"Jane I'm taking that at a yes. Please stop being so scared. I'm not going to just leave you. You're not- you're not entirely alone in this."
Jane looked up at her. "What?"
Maura sighed and crossed her arms. "I hope I'm not making a fool out of myself. I've probably gotten in all wrong anyway. Jane I have quite strong feelings for you and you kissed me. It may have meant nothing, it may just be a friendship kiss. I don't know. I don't have that much experience with the whole best friend thing. I still don't really understand the rules and I think I cross them all the time-"
"I want you to cross them." Jane said softly. Her eyes were wide and dark. "I can't believe you have feelings for me. How- how long?" She asked nervously.
Maura bit her lip and looked down at her lap. "Since you shot yourself to save Frankie. When you were in hospital that's when I realised. I thought I was going to lose you and my whole world fell apart. I realised that I loved you far more than a friend should." She said sadly.
Jane's eyes widened. "Maura that was nearly four years ago! What about all those guys you've dated?"
"With everything that happened with you and Agent Dean and then everything happening with Casey I thought it was pretty clear the gender you were interested in. I thought that I was being ridiculous and decided that all I was ever going to get was you as a friend and I'd just have to get over that. So I dated guys to fill that gap. I figured it was better than just being pathetic and pining after you. If felt childish and selfish. You deserved to be happy. You still do."
"Jesus Christ why didn't you just tell me this! I've been beating myself up for so long about my feelings for you and we could have dealt with this for this whole time?"
"You didn't tell me either. What about Casey?"
"I did exactly the same thing as you. I tried to get over it with other people and just enjoy spending time with you as my friend. It wasn't what I wanted but it was enough for quite a while."
"I guess we've both been secretly miserable then."
"Yeah it's kind of funny I suppose, neither of us knowing we liked one another."
Maura nodded and gave a light chuckle.
"You know this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Isn't this what we both wanted, for the other person to feel the same way?" Jane asked.
Maura nodded. "Yes, this is certainly not a bad thing. I don't know why we are being so miserable about it. I suppose we can have what we both want now- if you'd want to of course."
"It is what I want. I just want to be with you. It's all I've wanted since I met you."
"Then what's stopping us being together?" Dr Isles said softly. Jane smiled and slowly leant forward. They moved closer and closer with anticipation until their lips finally met. This kiss was unlike the previous one. This kiss was full of relief. They felt like they were both allowed to actually enjoy it now.
Once they decided to stop for a rest, Jane smiled against her lips. "I do love you Maura and more than a friend should."
"I know Jane. I love you too." She wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and embraced her tightly. The detective smiled and rested her mouth on Maura's shoulder, placing a kiss there despite the block of clothing.
Maura smiled and slowly pulled her down onto the couch. They were both lying down now, Jane's body covering half of Maura's. The medical examiner grabbed the blanket and pulled it over them both. Jane smiled and rested her head on Maura's collar bone, one hand flat against Maura's ribcage. They both closed their eyes and just enjoyed the embrace. Individually, they both felt so happy and so relieved. Like a weight had been lifted and they could actually breathe again. With their shared exhaustion and comfortable positions, they both quickly fell asleep in each other's arms.
Half and hour or so later, Angela's voice woke Maura up. "Janie!" She called out into the house. "I thought you'd want to some unhealthy food so I picked some things up for you on the way back. I'll just place them down on the counter here." She continued loudly as she entered the kitchen and placed a bag down. She looked over at the living room and her face softened. She walked over to the couch and sat down on the coffee table, looking at Maura.
The medical examiner blinked slowly at her. She was still holding Jane close. The blanket was like a fluffy third person wrapped around them. Maura looked at her sleepily with a fairly neutral expression.
"Maura, sweetheart you look exhausted." Angela said lovingly. She reached forward and lightly stroked Maura's cheek for a second and then hesitated, pulling away.
Maura gave her a soft smile. "It's okay Angela. You don't have to be wary of physical contact. You're like a mother to me. I feel comfortable around you."
Angela smiled. "Thank you. You're more of a daughter to me than Janie sometimes." She chuckled. She looked down at Jane who was breathing softly against Maura's upper chest. "Is she okay? Are you okay?" She had a furrowed brow. "You look upset Maura."
Maura shook her head sleepily. "It's just been a long night, that's all. I'm happy. I'm not upset I'm just really tired."
"Do you want me to get Janie off you?"
"No not at all. I like having her here." Maura gestured this by stroking her back.
Angela nodded. "You two are closer than usual. Did something happen tonight?"
"What do you mean?" The medical examiner asked feeling a little alarmed.
"Did she get upset or did something bad happen to make the two of you cuddle like this? You only really hug when one of you needs one so what happened for this to happen?" She looked a little worried.
"Nothing bad happened, I promise. We just both needed a hug I guess." Maura lightly shrugged to her from where she was laying.
"Did you two kiss?" She asked casually.
"What?" Maura's eyes widened. "How did you- how did you know?"
Angela's face lit up. "I didn't know! I was just testing you. Oh that makes me very happy Maura. I know how long Jane has had feelings for you. Maybe now she'll stop being such a misery-guts now in general."
Dr Isles was quite astounded by everything that had just been revealed and how easy it was for Angela to work it out. She opened her mouth and closed it again, not really knowing what to say.
"Don't you worry sweetheart. I won't tell Janie I know. I'm just happy for you both. She's lucky to have you." Angela leaned down and placed a kiss on Maura's forehead. "You're already a member of this family anyway so nothing will really change."
Maura smiled, feeling loved. "Thank you Angela. It means a lot."
Angela gave her a single nod. "Anytime honey. Now I bought some ice-cream along with some other snacks for you two. I'm just going to the ice-cream it in the freezer okay?"
Maura nodded. She hadn't even asked Angela to get Jane that ice-cream. She'd just known to get it. She couldn't have chosen a family to join if she'd had the option of ten thousand to choose from. She felt more than blessed.