Pippin's Heroic Achievement
(As told by Pippin)
I was recently coming from flooding a house while trying to enjoy a bath.
You'd think elves would have bathtubs big enough for hobbits, but nooooooo! For
some reason, everyone was mad at me. I think that's because I got them kicked out,
even though it really wasn't me! Honest! Merry blamed it on me!
At any rate, we were moving on further. I saw this really pretty flower- right
in the middle of a lava flow, imagine that! As I tried to pluck it, the lava suddenly
cracked! Uh-oh, I thought, this time Frodo's really going to be angry! Not that I
cared, because after the flood disaster he avoided me, as though I might accidentally
hurt him or something. You know, it seems like all along that path I had some
mastery over creating disasters. First, I accidentally blocked up that one volcano by
spitting out some watermelon seeds, then I used the map to Moria as a napkin.and
so on. This time, though, I'd cracked Middle Earth! Now, at last, I could see what
was in Lower Earth, but it was very disappointing. I thought of calling Gimli or
someone else, but then I sort of realized they might be angry about the big crack. I
slipped on my foot and spun into the dark tunnel. I heard a loud crashing noise, and
looked back to see rock caving in. All I did was bump my knee against the ceiling! I
mean, honestly, why was I blamed for making a mess? At any rate, I finally landed-
with a cruelly loud thump, I must add-on top of some long wooden staff that bent,
broke, and exploded with a loud boom. Then the chamber I was in collapsed.
Naturally I ran-straight into some sort of dragon's den. He said, "Hey, would you
happen to know a certain burglar named Barrel-rider? Or maybe the men of
Dale? At any rate, tell them Smaug sends them best wishes! Ha ha ha!"
Smaug.where had I heard that name? Then I suddenly remembered: in one of
Uncle Bilbo's old stories! But this guy was supposed to be dead..It seemed that I had
reached the Lower Earth! Moving onward, I saw someone who looked like a king; he
was holding a beautiful gem [the Arkenstone, which, as we all know, was left to
Thorin in his grave]. Next, I ran down the long hallway that followed.
Unfortunately, I kind of needed to use the toilet really bad. Running along, I finally
found a restroom and went. Then I flushed.and the entire place sort of got sucked
in. "??????" I thought. I think I bumped the little red button next to the flush. At any
rate, I ended up outside this huge stone-gray tower. It looked old. After all I had
seen, I wanted to make sure this was real. So I tapped the largest stone at the very
corner of the tower. Then I kicked it a few times. At that moment, I saw this tall
person approaching and thought, "Oh no, what if that's the owner?" He drew
forward. At that moment, in my panic, I bumped into the stone. The ground itself
began to rumble as the tower shook slightly. I remembered a time when I had gone
out and chopped a tree down. Instinctively, I yelled "Timber!". I think the tower
could stand no more, for it immediately collapsed onto the man. Later I found out
that the wizard was the evil Sauron, and was so proud of myself for destroying that
evil being.
List of Damages Caused by Pippin:
(as told by the Common Wizards' Society)
1. Destroyed a certain elf-lord's house
2. Destroyed elf-lord's trust in travelers
3. Destroyed ancient volcano
4. Destroyed valuable map
5. Destroyed ground
6. Destroyed entrance to Lower Earth
7. Destroyed Lower Earth
8. Destroyed magnificent tower
9. Destroyed any chances of rooting out evil
10. Destroyed valuable artifacts
11. Destroyed Sauron's secrets
List of Heroic Deeds by Pippin:
(as told by the Appreciative Hobbits' Society, consisting of only one member. . .Pippin)
1. Killed Sauron
2. Wrecked evil tower
(As told by Pippin)
I was recently coming from flooding a house while trying to enjoy a bath.
You'd think elves would have bathtubs big enough for hobbits, but nooooooo! For
some reason, everyone was mad at me. I think that's because I got them kicked out,
even though it really wasn't me! Honest! Merry blamed it on me!
At any rate, we were moving on further. I saw this really pretty flower- right
in the middle of a lava flow, imagine that! As I tried to pluck it, the lava suddenly
cracked! Uh-oh, I thought, this time Frodo's really going to be angry! Not that I
cared, because after the flood disaster he avoided me, as though I might accidentally
hurt him or something. You know, it seems like all along that path I had some
mastery over creating disasters. First, I accidentally blocked up that one volcano by
spitting out some watermelon seeds, then I used the map to Moria as a napkin.and
so on. This time, though, I'd cracked Middle Earth! Now, at last, I could see what
was in Lower Earth, but it was very disappointing. I thought of calling Gimli or
someone else, but then I sort of realized they might be angry about the big crack. I
slipped on my foot and spun into the dark tunnel. I heard a loud crashing noise, and
looked back to see rock caving in. All I did was bump my knee against the ceiling! I
mean, honestly, why was I blamed for making a mess? At any rate, I finally landed-
with a cruelly loud thump, I must add-on top of some long wooden staff that bent,
broke, and exploded with a loud boom. Then the chamber I was in collapsed.
Naturally I ran-straight into some sort of dragon's den. He said, "Hey, would you
happen to know a certain burglar named Barrel-rider? Or maybe the men of
Dale? At any rate, tell them Smaug sends them best wishes! Ha ha ha!"
Smaug.where had I heard that name? Then I suddenly remembered: in one of
Uncle Bilbo's old stories! But this guy was supposed to be dead..It seemed that I had
reached the Lower Earth! Moving onward, I saw someone who looked like a king; he
was holding a beautiful gem [the Arkenstone, which, as we all know, was left to
Thorin in his grave]. Next, I ran down the long hallway that followed.
Unfortunately, I kind of needed to use the toilet really bad. Running along, I finally
found a restroom and went. Then I flushed.and the entire place sort of got sucked
in. "??????" I thought. I think I bumped the little red button next to the flush. At any
rate, I ended up outside this huge stone-gray tower. It looked old. After all I had
seen, I wanted to make sure this was real. So I tapped the largest stone at the very
corner of the tower. Then I kicked it a few times. At that moment, I saw this tall
person approaching and thought, "Oh no, what if that's the owner?" He drew
forward. At that moment, in my panic, I bumped into the stone. The ground itself
began to rumble as the tower shook slightly. I remembered a time when I had gone
out and chopped a tree down. Instinctively, I yelled "Timber!". I think the tower
could stand no more, for it immediately collapsed onto the man. Later I found out
that the wizard was the evil Sauron, and was so proud of myself for destroying that
evil being.
List of Damages Caused by Pippin:
(as told by the Common Wizards' Society)
1. Destroyed a certain elf-lord's house
2. Destroyed elf-lord's trust in travelers
3. Destroyed ancient volcano
4. Destroyed valuable map
5. Destroyed ground
6. Destroyed entrance to Lower Earth
7. Destroyed Lower Earth
8. Destroyed magnificent tower
9. Destroyed any chances of rooting out evil
10. Destroyed valuable artifacts
11. Destroyed Sauron's secrets
List of Heroic Deeds by Pippin:
(as told by the Appreciative Hobbits' Society, consisting of only one member. . .Pippin)
1. Killed Sauron
2. Wrecked evil tower