PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: This story is a fanfic between Jan Valentine and my OC Diana from the anime "Hellsing", which means they're VERY much in character, so... there's a lot of profanity and vulgar words/action in here that might offend or disturb anyone. If anyone's seen the anime or even read the manga, you know how Jan gets, so he's definitely in character. So just a heads up, it's pretty "mouthy" and vulgar so if that bothers/offends any of you, please turn away now! Thank you!

The Valentine Brothers were at it again; reeking havoc and corruption on the humans. Jan, the youngest of the two brothers, went about killing everyone in sight while the older brother Luke looked for the leader to interrogate and kill.

"HYAHAHAHAA!! Where are all you fuckers running to?! The party's just gettin' started!" Jan laughed as his machine gun ringed throughout the walls of the company's building.

"Jan. Quit fooling around and finish them all off." Luke ordered his little brother impatiently. "We have a job to do, remember?"

Jan sighed. "Yeah yeah I remember. Aren't I allowed to have a little bit of fun though? There's so many fuckers to kill! It's intoxicating man!"

Luke glared at him over his shoulder. "Just finish them and get it over with. I have to find out who's been keeping tabs on us from the inside."

Jan waved his gun at him. "Fine fine. Do your thing and let's go."

"Make sure you check every corner of this building, Jan. We can't have any witnesses."

"Why? We'll just kill the fuckers if anyone squeals on us, right? What's the big deal?"

"Because if someone's trying to get information from us on the inside, there could be a slim chance they're connected with the Hellsing Organization."

Jan sneered. "Screw Hellsing! We're better than that bitch and her vampire dog anyways--"

"JAN!" Luke yelled. "We have a plan! Screw it up and I'll see to it personally that you get punished! We have a few more steps to take before we're ready to take on the Hellsing Organization, so just do as your told and scout the building and kill everyone!"

Jan gulped. "Ok ok! Geez, don't get your granny panties in a bunch, bro..."

Few minutes later...

Jan walked throughout the rest of the building, killing whatever survivors he could find. All of a sudden he heard gunfire up ahead. He smiled. "Alright! Looks like someone's got some fight in 'em for me!"

He ran toward the room where he could heard the gunfire was coming from. But before he could do or say anything, he noticed someone else was already stealing his fun. A woman stood in the middle of the room with shotguns in each hand and blood dripping all over her from the bodies lying all around her feet.

Jan raised an eyebrow and pointed his gun at her. "Who the fuck are you?"

She glared at him with red eyes and a fang-filled smile. She looked like a punk rocker. Her blue hair was spiked short with one long slender tail fell nearly to her knees. Underneath her short hair was black and buzzed. She wore a black and white long-sleeve shirt that hung off her shoulder, revealing her bra straps. She had a think silver studded belt on with purple torn low riders with patches all over them, revealing a lot of her army printed thong underwear. To complete the outfit was a pair of tall black and white combat boots that went to just below her kneecaps. Several tattoos covered her body from her belly and shoulders, to her shoulder blades and back. Along with her belly being pierced, as well as her ears.

"That's my question." She said. "Who the hell are you, mate?"

Jan smiled back. "Heh! Looks like we've got another damn vamp messin' with our mission, eh?"

"Mission? Get over yourself. I'm here on personal business."

"Oh? And what business would that be exactly?"

"Why the hell should I tell you?"

"Because I won't blow your pretty little brains out all over the floor, that's why."

She laughed. "You don't have the balls to do it--!" A bullet suddenly shot passed her, barely missing her ear. She just glared at him. "What was that about?"

"You're a brave bitch, aren'tcha? Didn't even flinch."

"You think I'll be scared off by that--?" Another bullet shot near her foot. "Trigger happy, are we?"

"Answer the Goddamn question."

She sighed. "Geez, a girl just can't keep a secret can she? If you must know, these bastards ripped me off! They first tried to sell me shitty smokes for a fortune then they tried killing me when I found out! It pissed me off! So I killed them. Simple as that."

Jan laughed. "You killed these poor bastards over some smokes?! You've got bigger tits than I thought, chika!"

She raised an eyebrow. "Mind telling me why you're here interfering with my mess?"

"That's classified, chika. But if you're in such a killing mood, mind helping me kill everyone else here?" He walked toward her with an open hand.

"Did you kill everyone on the first and second floor?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Then that's it. I killed everyone on the third and fourth."

He blinked. "You're kidding?! You just took half the fun away from me."

"That's my line. Thanks a lot asshole."

He was now face to face with her. "You've got a lot of guts talkin' to me like that, chika. Do you know who I am?"

"Um... an asshole?"

The sarcasm in her voice made his eyebrow twitch. "Dammit, bitch! We're the Valentine Brothers! I'm Jan Valentine and me and my bro are invincible!"

She stared at him, unamused. "Ok, whatever. Mind moving now? Your face disgusts me."

She stared walking passed him, but he held out his arm, blocking her from the doorway. "I don't think so."

She smiled. "Oh, so you wanna fight?"

He groped her, squeezing hard. "Nah! I'm gonna fuck you, kill you, then fuck you again. How about that?"

She just stood there. "So this is how you try to scare your female opponents? By grabbing their boobs and threatening them? Because if you do, you seriously need another alternative because it's just not doing it for me."

Jan blinked, taken back by what she said. "W-what the hell?! You're tweaked, chika! How the hell are you not taken by this?!"

"You and everyone else seem to use this sort of method and it's getting really old pretty damn quick. Now if you'd just let go of me, you can go fuck yourself and leave me alone."

"You damn bitch!!" He backhanded her, throwing her back a couple feet.

She wiped her mouth, licking the blood off her cut lip. She smiled at him. "Well now we're getting somewhere!"

"No one has the balls to talk back to me, so shut it bitch!"

She laughed. "Really? So not one person's told you how much of a cock-sucking fruit cake you are?"

He slapped her again, cutting her cheek. "Do you seriously want me to shoot you?!"

She giggled. "Oh yeah! Do it again baby! Now you're really making me wet!"

He walked up to her and twisted one of her wrists back and brought her close to him. He sneered. "So you like a little abuse, huh? Why didn't you just say so if you wanted to get in the mood?"

"Who says I want to get in the mood with you around?" He twisted her wrist around even more, making her cringe and laugh at the same time. "That's it! Do it again, baby!"

He chuckled. "You're giving me a hard on, ya sadistic bitch. What's your name?"

"Diana. You said you're Jan, right?" He nodded. "You here with your brother?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Mind if I join your little team?"

"Ha! You think you can just join our group just like that?"

She smiled and held up a small slender canister in between her fingers. "Because I've got the bigger panties."

Jan checked his pockets and sure enough he didn't have his cigar case on him. He whistle, impressed by her pick-pocketing skills. "Nice one ya sneaky little punk."

"See? Besides, I could use the excitement."

"Oh I'll give you excitement if that's what you're looking for!" He groped her again.

"My my, aren't you the horny trigger-happy vamp."

"I don't think my bro will have a problem fitting you into our group. Besides, I think I finally found a girl that can keep up with me."

"Ha! I was going to say the same thing!"

He nailed her against a nearby wall and began to kiss her. He released her wrist as he forced her mouth to open to him. She gladly let him in, wrapping her arms around him. He did the same, groping her and squeezing her tight buttocks. They're tongues rolled around in each other's mouths, exchanging the sweet taste of blood and cigarettes. Jan slipped a hand up inside of her shirt and played with her. He found out that anything he did she didn't protest or move away, so he did as he pleased.

"JAN!!"

He froze, releasing her instantly after recognizing the voice. He turned around and saw Luke standing outside of the doorway glaring at him.

"I seem to be the one doing all the work! I kill the leader and when I thought you had done your job, you're here screwing around and making a new toy as your sexual play thing!

"B-bro! You're done already?! That was fast!"

"I told you to kill everyone, Jan! Not rape the enemy!"

Diana stepped forward with angry eyes. "For your information, I came on my own to deal with some of these fuckers, killed half of them for you, and provoked him in this situation! You think you're so high and mighty because you've got the big diapers on?! Fuck you, mate!!" She was getting steamed now since he had ruined the mood.

"Who the hell is she?!" Luke demanded, recognizing her as a vampire.

Jan gulped. "This mouthy bitch is Diana. She's coming with us."

"Oh really? And who decided this?!"

Jan smiled. "She's got balls, bro. She'd be a good addition to our plans. Plus I think she'd be a big help for when we have to face those fucking Hellsing bastards."

Luke glared at him for a moment before sighing and walking away. "Fine! She can join us! But if she's just tagging along so you can get off whenever you feel like it, then you can just trash her now! At least you both got rid of everyone here."

He began to walk towards the exit, leaving both of the freaks in the room.

Diana grinned from ear to ear. "So I'm really allowed to follow you guys now?!"

Jan sighed in relief, thankful that he didn't have to deal with his brother. "Looks like it."

She yelled for joy. "This is gonna be friggin' sweet! It's about time I get some action without walking around alone!"

"You're alone?"

"Everyone keeps screwing me over, but you're the first guy who actually steps up to my expectations. So I'm excited!"

Jan smiled back at her. "Good thing too, 'cuz if my bro had turned you away, I'd have lost the one chick ballsy enough to handle me without ending up as my meal or a piece of meat in the end." He walked towards her. "Now, where were we?"

She placed her hand over his face and pushed him away. "Later. I'm not in the mood anymore."

"How the fuck can you not be in the mood anymore?!"

"I'm hungry."

"Answer me!!"

She winked at him. "I don't want to be interrupted again. So we'll pick up where we left off back at my place."

"Your place?"

"I've been hanging out in some shitty apartment for the time being until I moved around again looking for the next best thing. I've got to go back and grab my shit anyways, so why not have a good hard fuck while we're there?"

Jan smiled so wide it was terrifying. "Sounds to me like the beginning of an awesome fucking twisted relationship."

OWARI.

O.O

eh heh heh... yeeeeaaaaah... I never thought in a million years I'd write something like this. haha

But I've actually had several people asking me to write a fanfic of how Jan and Diana met, so... here it is! XD

Ok, just to clear some disturbing questions up: Diana's not sexually sadistic/abusive or anything like that at all. lol She just loves it when I man takes charge instead of letting himself be walked over on. So seeing Jan taking charge and wearing the pants makes Diana... very happy. w