Disclaimers
I don't own...
X-Men: Evolution
Betty Crocker
Xbox
Call of Duty
Green Day / Green Day Rockband
Inspiration for the title goes to Descendent, from their story, "Cooking with the 'Hood"
Takes place when only Avalanche, Blob, and Toad are left in the Brotherhood... Wait, that happened, right? :|
Flames are welcome, but not very appreciated. :) Be nice.
P.S. See A/N at the end.
A hungry Blob wandered through the kitchen, looking for a one A.M. snack. Attempting to open the refrigerator door without breaking it yet another time, Blob carefully and slowly opened the door… And it fell off for a fourth time.
Mumbling to himself about how he told Pietro to get the added warranty and how Pietro was so cheap, Blob headed over to the freezer. After breaking off that door as well, he went over to raid some of the cabinets. That's when he found it: a Betty Crocker Double Fudge brownie mix. Heaven in a box, as he called it. Knowing that he would need help to make the brownies without blowing something up, he went to go wake the wisest guys he knew.
"Come on, Dukes! It's one in the morning!" Lance shouted, throwing his only pillow at Blob.
"Yeah, come on, Dukes!" Toad agreed, trying to act like Lance.
Lance turned toward Toad. "Don't," He warned.
"But, guys!" Blob persisted. "It's Betty Crocker and everyone else is gone! It's a golden opportunity!"
"Who's Betty Crocker?" Toad wondered aloud.
"I dunno, but she sure knows how to cook!" Blob answered.
"Do you know if she's hot and/or single?" Toad asked with a stupid grin on his tinted green face.
"Dude, who cares who Betty Crocker is?" Lance objected from his bed.
"I don't really care who she is, I jus' wanna know if she's hot and/or single!"
"No one really cares what you want, dude."
"Well that's real nice, Lance."
"Yeah. It kinda is actually."
"Shut up."
"Hey! I'm still here and there still are no Double Fudge Betty Crocker brownies in my stomach!" Blob reminded Lance and Toad. "Are you guys gunna help me or not?"
"Yes!" Toad shouted, a little too loudly.
"Only if I get to lick the bowl," Lance said in a much more volume-appropriate voice.
"What does Toad get?" Toad asked demandingly.
"Nothing." Blob and Lance responded at the same time.
"Jerks." Toad said, earning a shrug from both Blob and Lance.
"Okay. So. We need eggs, vegetable oil, and water." Lance read from the back of the Betty Crocker box.
"How much o' each?" Toad asked.
"Two eggs, a third of a cup of vegetable oil and two thirds of a cup of water."
"You sure that's right?"
"No."
"'Kay. Jus' checkin'."
"Yo, Blob, grab the eggs, will ya?" Toad asked as he got out a large bowl.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Blob said with a random burst of anger.
"Jus' get the eggs."
"Okay."
"Hey Toad?" Blob asked, digging around in the refrigerator.
"Yeah, buddy?"
"Are the eggs supposed to be cooked or no?"
"How am I supposed to know dat?"
"I dunno."
"Well alrighty then. How many do we need?"
"Two."
"Then use one cooked one and one raw one. It ain't rocket science."
"'Kay."
"Hey you guys?" Lance called over his shoulder as he was searching the many cupboards for vegetable oil.
"What?" Blob answered.
"Yeah, what?" Toad said, trying to act like Blob.
Blob turned to Toad. "Don't."
"'Kay."
"What, Lance?" Blob asked.
"Where's the vegetable oil?"
"I dunno."
"Well, would you like to help me look for it?"
"No."
"Fine. Thanks for the help."
"Yeah."
"Wait, here it is. Is it supposed to say 'Extra Virgin Olive Oil?"
"Naw, that can't be it. Betty clearly says 'Vegetable Oil'."
"'Kay."
"Why don't we just put like chocolate sauce in it or sumthin?" Toad piped up.
"I dunno," Blob said, "Betty is very clear in what to mix it with."
"Well screw Betty. I don't even know if she's hot or not. Probably not. Betty? Come on. Lame-O name, you know?"
"Sure whatever, Toad," Lance said, "But you know, he may be onto something… What about hot sauce?"
All three boys grinned evilly as Blob poured in a whole bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce into the bowl of brownie mix, a raw egg with the shell still on, and a cooked egg.
"Now we just need the water." Lance said, studying the back of the box.
"How much?" Blob asked.
"Two-thirds of a cup."
"You sure that's right?"
"No."
"'Kay. Two-thirds it is," Blob said, getting out the measuring cups. "Hey Lance?"
"Yeah?"
"Which one is the one-third cup?"
"Ummm… Maybe the one that says ⅓ on it?"
"Maybe. I dunno. Better ask Toad. Hey, Toad?"
"Yeah, Fred?"
"Do you know which one of these cups is the one-third cup?"
"Aw, jeez Fred! That's an easy one! It's the one you pulled out of the drawer third!"
"Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense, " Blob agreed, reaching for the one cup measurement; the one he had pulled out of the drawer third.
"Lance?" Blob asked cautiously.
"What now?"
"Is the water supposed to be hot or cold?"
"I dunno. Go with your gut, Fred. You certainly have enough or THAT, now don't you?"
"Yeah. I do." Blob said, patting his stomach fondly.
"Yeah. I know."
"Shut up."
"How 'bout flippin' a coin, yo?" Toad suggested.
"That's a good idea, Toad!" Blob agreed. "Do either of you guys have a coin?"
Lance and Toad looked at each other then said at the same time, "No."
"Well how are we gunna flip a coin without a coin?" Blob asked.
"Dunno," Toad said with a shrug. "But I do have a stick o' gum. We can flip that."
"Is it spearmint?" Blob inquired.
"No."
"It will never do." Blob said, shaking his head in disgust.
"We can flip Lance's iPod touch," Toad suggested.
"What? No!" Lance, who suddenly became interested in the conversation, shouted.
"Come here, buddy!" Blob shouted, chasing after a retreating Lance.
Toad remained in the kitchen and listened to Blob chase Lance around the house. Suddenly, the house began to shake, and Blob and Lance fell through the ceiling, with Blob on top of Lance.
"I got it," Blob said proudly, holding up Lance's iPod touch. "Okay, so screen side up, we use cold water and screen side down we use hot."
Blob flipped Lance's iPod like a coin and he and Toad watched with anticipation. "Screen side down, yo." Toad said. "We get to use hot water! Betty would be so proud!" Toad said, running over to the counter to find the measuring cups.
After Toad had poured the hot water into the bowl and Blob had done his best to stir the mixture without eating the batter or breaking the spoon that he was mixing it with, Blob poured the mixture into a pan with no grease. Lance finally came out of unconsciousness and after a few more angry tremors and minor earthquakes over his iPod, he looked at the batter, decided that he did not want to lick the bowl, and then studied at the back of the Betty Crocker box and determined how long to bake the brownies for.
"Looks like they need to bake for a half an hour," Lance said, holding an ice pack to his head, and looking at the clock, which now read 3:00 A.M.
"You sure that's right?" Blob asked.
"No."
"Okay. So a half an hour. What temperature?"
"375 degrees Fahrenheit."
"'Kay." Blob pushed the pan into the oven, set the temperature at 30 degrees Fahrenheit, and set the timer for 375 minutes. "Now what?" he asked.
"We wait, yo," Toad said, staring at the oven. Blob and Lance then joined him in staring. The three boys stood there, staring, for about thirty seconds, when Blob got bored.
"You guys wanna go play the Xbox?" he asked.
"Yep," Lance and Toad agreed simultaneously. The threesome left the kitchen and headed down stairs to go find some violent Xbox game to play.
An hour later, smoke was pouring out from the oven, though no one seemed to notice the smoke alarm's beeping.
A half an hour later, a small kitchen fire had begun, originating from the oven.
Another half an hour later, the boys switched from Call of Duty 4 to Green Day Rock Band, in which they all slaughtered Green Day's songs, but didn't care.
Yet another half an hour later, Blob broke the drum set from banging to hard.
Still a half an hour later, the smoke alarm's cheap battery died and the beeping ceased.
An hour later, the entire Brotherhood Boarding House was on fire, unbeknownst to our three Green Day slaughterers.
A half an hour later, Betty Crocker was cursed by three certain boys as they watched their house burn to the ground.
A/N Yes I realize that the Brotherhood is dirt poor and would not have money for iPod touches, Xboxes, or video games... They probably couldn't even afford the brownie mix...