Chapter 1: Chapter 1
After Defeating Voldemort, Harry, Hermione and Ron were chilling in newly remodelled Grimmauld Place. The repairs to the castle was taken over by the teachers and NEWT students. They knew how to do useful magical stuff. Shacklebolt, Tonks and other ministry employees the author is too lazy to create led the reforms at the ministry.
The author doesn't want to create and develop characters because the story doesn't require them as of now. Hermione found her parents, lifted memory charm off them. But they wanted to chill in Australia since England is famously gloomy and cloudy most of the time. Ron's family was working on the burrow. Fred and George were at their shop. Meanwhile Harry hired a magical equivalent of architect to tear down Grimmauld place and rebuild it. Doing so would result in removal of Mrs Black's painting which was permanently attached to the wall.
Stones, wood, bricks and tiles were bought and in no time, Grimmauld Place looked better than ever on the inside. The outer side retained its townhouse appearance. On the inside, one side of the corridor on the first floor now had a tiled open kitchen and large dining area. On the other side there was a large living room with a cozy fireplace and Oakwood floor. The bedrooms, library. A gym to practice duelling was all upstairs. The entire house had warm beige and maroon color scheme.
The author assumes Harry inherited both his parent's and Sirius's vault, plus some reward for finishing voldemort. It had made him the richest nineteen year old. Hence having a nineteen year old such a magnificent place is justifiable. Esp since most nineteen year olds live in a studio which they share with a roommate in real life.
The author is using fanfiction for wish fulfilment here.
Our heroes were sitting at the Mahogany table overlooking the window. Kreacher had covered the table with a white tablecloth. He served them tea and scones because those are only British food items the author knows. Kreacher gets paid now. Hermione is using her fame to push for a law that enables house elf to be paid and allows sick leaves.
"I can't think of anything to do. It keeps raining all the time so Quiddich is out for a while. Exploding snap is for babies. Fred and George are too busy fixing up their shop and developing new merchandise to play with us." Ron counted options they didn't have. Fred is alive because death of a sibling has no place in a parody since there is nothing funny about it. Dobby however is dead. The author has his reasons.
Harry was trying to read Jinxes for the Jinxed and was waving his hand in vague triangular motion while murmuring surplicio and gellanioalternatively. It was causing the dummy he was practicing on to sprout white tentacles from her fingers and get rid of them simultaneously. However, he was, in reality quite bored and was simply jinxing and counter jinxing objects to amuse himself.
"Well I am writing a story about Harry, based on a website called fanfiction dot net " That's right. Hermione had read all the books in Grimmauld Place's small library, knew all the spells Harry was practicing and had nothing better to do.
Her comment caused Ron to get up from chair and move to see what Hermione was talking about. "You mean there are actually stories about us in this box? Cool!". Ron always wanted to be famous. He was now famous. But he still loved the validation.
"Well, this is called Laptop Ronald and the stories are catagorized as works of fiction. I have been browsing through the stories, identified the patterns to ascertain the techniques required to write a fanfiction and decided to write one about Harry Potter to kill some time." Hermione showed Ron the story she was writing.
"Harry Pott.. what?", hearing his name caused Harry to stop jinxing practice for a moment and he decided to join Ron to see what Hermione was up to. Like Ron, Harry too had never used a laptop. The dursleys never bothered to gift him one nor did they allow him to use Dudley's.
Ron and Harry read.
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. I am Hermione Granger. Who are you?
It was summer. Dursleys had beaten Harry with stones, sticks, ran him over with a tank, called him names and told him his parents were dead. Harry was very angst. He cried like a baby all night but nobody bothered to check on him. Then he heard Hermione at his door. How Harry knew it was Hermione without opening the door was a mystery but he opened the door to confirm his usually correct hypothesis. Hermione held Harry very close and he noted with pleasure she had grown quite a lot over the summer, even though summer vacation has just started but the author doesn't care about logic and would like to move on to describe sexiness of a female body. Hence, Harry felt his best friend's soft breasts press against his body. He couldn't help but notice she was wearing a very short skirt, low cut tank top and strappy heels, even though Hermione never dressed anything like that in canon and it's quite out of character for her.
"What the hell Hermione? Bloody hell! The Durseleys didn't actually do that, did they?" Ron looked at Harry who shook his head. The author hasn't been to England and doesn't know how British English sounds. Hence he will make it up as he goes along.
"I'm sorry Hermione…umm but.. but I don't.. have those kinds of feelings for you", Harry stammered uncomfortably, trying not to look at Hermione's bosoms. The characters were not minors and sexualising their body for parody isn't creepy. The author isn't into minor fantasy but sadly most fanfiction writers are minors and don't have any such qualms, in fact most of them don't have any qualms at all. "Nor I for you Harry but it seems to be the trend of fanfiction writers to show Dursleys as over the top abusive, you as hurt and weepy and the female or male romantic interest as a supermodel-like character who will comfort you by lying in bed with you. Usually the stories start by you in summer, angsty about something or other. But it's not important. Most writers don't spend time over what's bothering their characters, proceed simply to describe how they look, what they wear and write a makeout scene before they get to the actual plot, if they have any." Hermione explained to Harry and Ron, the latter was staring open mouthed at her. "umm do we.. have one interest for me?" Ron was imagining getting some good looking girls to go out with him, even if it wasn't a reality. "well using fanfiction to fulfil your unrequited stupid love is another trend, in which your character looks like your crush and speaks like how you dream he/she would speak to you, which is usually dumb, overly cheesy and no-one-talks-like-that style expressions."
"I don't really know how to write on this taplop.." Ron hesitated. The author decided to recycle the fellytone joke from the canon instead of coming up with an original one. The author is lazy sometimes. Also everyone loved that joke at the time.
"Don't worry. Any typos or mistakes will only enhance the story. Don't try too hard to connect your part of the story with what I've written so far. I am sure transitions are strictly optional and are only to be used sparsely in the world of fanfiction. I will get some hot chocolate for us. Ask Harry if you don't understand anything" She left leaving Ron and Harry to their story.
"Right.. so no transition, we can just jump straight to your romantic encounter. How about we have Lavender Brown swing by the Burrow, even though she has never done that before and despite the fact that the Burrow was destroyed in the war?" Harry knew his friend still had a soft spot for the pretty brunette. The author has decided Ron and Hermione don't date and are just friends although they do bicker from time to time because it's convenient to write that way. "I'm going to write and you tell me how you like it" Ron nodded and harry started typing awkwardly.
Ron was bored in the Burro, he longed to meet Lavender, wondering if she was thinking about him. He heard a pop outside his window and saw a brown haired girl coming up to the hourse. He didn't want to get up so he yelled at Ginny to get the door. Surprisingly she listened to him because that could only happen in Ronald's dreams. "Hey Lavender, what you doing here?", Ginny sounded very American to Ron but he did't cure. Lav-Lav was here. He was her soul Won-Won! They needed to be Lavwon or Wonlav even thout it would sound astoundingly dumb to most readers….
"Nobody's going to let me forget those names, are they?" Ron complained loudly but Harry kept going.
"Well Lavender I was just going to go swimming in pond. Would you like to join? "Ginny paused before continuing slyly. "Perhaps Ronald could come along too". Ron grabbed his trunks and ran to see Lavender changing into bathing suit like she knew this was going to happen and brought one just in case. He watched as she walked to the pool, even thought they were in a house a moment ago and Ginny said pond but who cares about details? Lavender wore bright yellow Halter bikini as she jumped into pool and looked at Ron as if inviting to join her. "Oops! I promised Fred and George, I'd look after their pygmy puffs. You guys have fun swimming", Ginny said conspiringly and ran away. Ron noticed how large Lavender's bosoms were as he jumped in water and swam towards her. She swam away playfully, spraying him with water and displaying her booty to him. Looking at her minimally clothed body was making him hard as..
"Ok! That's enough! We have written about you and Hermione and me and Lavender so far. May I point out that we have two hot scenes and STILL NO plot whatsoever?", Ron demanded somewhat hotly as Harry guffawed. Harry then stopped guffawing and performed cooling charm on Ron's red face, which made Hermione chuckle as she was bringing three hot chocolates to the table.
"Well, having a plot is strictly optional, Ronald. Most authors forget about their plots and simply start a new one in the middle of their story. We could have one if you like." Harry and Ron nodded. They thought a story full of only making out tales doesn't qualify as a story. "Well, there are several plots that can be used individually or in groups. First don't be constrained by monogamy. It's perfectly okay for characters to see more than one person. It doesn't have to be a person either. I have seen stories about Hogwarts castle and Giant squid, Hagrid and Hedwig etc. Fanfiction authors very open minded and imaginative about who has sex with whom, or as the above cases, who has sex with what. Second, give Harry superpowers. They generally come by ancient magic that no one's ever heard of before in the entire magical universe or through sacrifice of Harry's mother giving him power of.. say the power of dragon, though we know the protection doesn't work that way, superpowers can come through secret spells taught by American wizards or even a Kryptonite. The key factor is all of this is achieved relatively quickly even though it is supposedly previously unknown and generally would require a lot of hard work of many many people. Sky is the limit! Oooh! Or, we could write bashing stories." Hermione explained away enthusiastically, speaking faster than usual as Ron and Harry stuggled to keep pace with her thoughts and gave up. "What's banishing stories? Are they about us banishing Voldemort?" Ron looked genuinely confused. He was thrilled at being famous and was sure a parody written by him about himself would make him even more popular. Author can't understand how writing a fanfiction would make anyone famous but sadly E. L. James continues to exist in the muggle universe.
"Not banishing! Bashing! Surly teenagers like ourselves writing fanfiction love to criticise lot of adult characters for wanting to keep minors out of warzone as much as possible. They write them as overly controlling, over the top screaming creatures that are ultimately defeated before their teenage self characters, whose harebrained schemes that would surely get them killed, somehow work through plethora of ridiculous ex machina. For eg. Molly Bashing stories show Molly as villain for wanting to keep us away from Voldemort or Molly trying to get Ginny and Harry to go out using means that no adult with half a brain would ever use. Dumbledore bashing stories bash Dumbldore for not confiding every single detail of his plan, which he was working on for decades, to kids, esp to the kid who couldn't close his mind to save his life to Voldemort, who was then lurking around in Harry's head back then. Then there is Ginny bashing, Hermione bashing Ron bashing etc.. all show bashed character are as extremely over the top hateful as possible, as if readers won't appreciate rational attacks based on actual shortcomings of the said person's flaw. The writers are often too dumb to understand that in the war, both sides commit atrocities of various kinds and nuanced portrayal of characters can make fantastic writing."
"I don't understand your last part but I was wondering if we could bash Malfoy? He was always mean to us, bullied muggleborns and was overall dislikable?" Harry wondered but Ron interjected, to everyone's surprise.
"No no! I was looking up stories when you were drinking hot chocolates and Malfoy is portrayed as a good guy in most stories. It seems most writers were charmed by some actor who plays him in movies and couldn't bring themselves to write his character as a bully. So they've given him a sob story to justify all his bad deeds, sympathized with him instead of his victims and have him linked mostly to you or Hermione." Ron finished to the open disgust of his two best friends. That's right, in their boredom Harry, Ron and Hermione have read JK's books and binge watched the movies. They complained of being even more bored by them though the author can't understand why.
"WE'RE NOT DOING THAT! Just pick a person to bash, Ron!" Hermione said shrilly, appalled at even the fictional possibility between herself and the boy who made her cry. The author thinks Dramione story can work but the sob story of Draco needs to be firmly controlled and a lot of effort has to go into catharsis of him as a person but author isn't going to develop him here since this is a parody.
"Molly bashing stories are out there and she's easier to bash because she's my mother and I'm used to whining and moaning about her discipline but Hermione should write this since she's better than all of us." Hermione beamed at the unexpected compliment and took over, not noticing Ron manipulated her into taking over because he wanted a break to stuff himself with food while she wrote.
Without any transition Molly appeared where Wonlav were grinding against each other like a pair of blood thirsty sharks. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON, YOU WHORE!" She screamed as if a pair of overage kids making out with their girlfriends was something unfamiliar to her, the woman who raised seven children. YOU'RE A PEACE KEEPER, STORM TROOPER AND WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST AND A SCARLET WOMAN. "umm.. what are you talking about mother?" Ron was more worried about his mother for her incoherent speech than scared. I MEAN SHE'S A CHEAP SCARLET WOMAN AND NEEDS TO LEAVE MY HOUSE FOREVER AND NEVER COME BACK! IF SHE SO MUCH AS STEPS INTO MY HOUSE, I SHALL HEX HER EARS OFF. Ron looked at his girlfriend's tear-stained eyes and stood up to defend her. He then realized his pants were down and hastily pulled them up looking brave. "NO MOTHER! I love lavender and nothing can stop me from her being my wife!" Looking straight at his mother, he sat down on one nee and said "Lav Lav will you merry me?" Although how he managed to glare at his mother while proposing to his girlfriend is curious. Perhaps he used a magic mirror.
"Well that escalated quickly" Ron pursed his lips dispassionately but backtracked from Hermione's glare at his seeming criticism. "I meant…that's great Mione. You got typos, spelling mistake, strange grammar due to lack of commas and a ridiculous argument with mum in one go! But in last scene Lavender wasn't even my girlfriend, remember? She just dropped by for a visit and Mum wasn't even mentioned."
Hermione chose to ignore him, signifying how writers ignore the voice of reason in exchange for some dumb creativity. "Well that's the best I feel like doing right now. I think we should put this up and write a second chapter tomorrow. I propose a discussion at breakfast about ideas for a second chapter. Harry you're the protagonist even though you've barely appeared so far. You want to give this story a title? Ron and I will do the summary."
"Sure…." Harry thought for a looooong time. "How about Harry Potter and the postwar drama?.. No. that's too obvious. Harry Potter and the self fanfiction? Let's just remove my name altogether… The superpower awaken: magic of the lamb YES! Lets go with this title because my superpowers could originate from Defeating the Hungarian Horntails who feeds on lamb meat!" Overthinking made him choose the silly title that nobody but himself would get, while ignoring the workable titles.
"As good a title as any. Now the summary. We haven't established a plot yet but we can still do this. It mostly comprises of texting language and begging for reviews"
Harry Hermione and Ron found themselves surrounded by lambs. What will Molly do to prevent her children from having children? Can Harry be the master of Dragons? I have no answers to these questions but PLZ PLZ PLZ R&R. I promeese the story is good
"Isn't that a little long? Let me cut it for you." Harry offered.
The summary read.
Harry Ron found by lambs. Will Molly do her children? Can Harry be the master of dragons. Lemon and Smut. I have no answers to these questions but PLZ PLZ PLZ R&R. I promeese the story is goo. NOOO FLAMES!
"There! Now let's put it up and see if there's any review"
Harry, Ron and Hermione shut down Hermione's laptop, levitated it to her room by magic because they didn't want to get up and apparate all the way to second floor and proceeded to eat delicious meal prepared by Kreacher.
A/N: so what do you guys think? Don't forget to leave a review. Also I don't actually know what lemon and smut is. I put it there because…. Fun.
This fic is moderately inspired by an author called Gryffindor777.