He Can't Come Back This Time :)
You see him in your dreams; his face is even more beautiful than you remember. You wonder if your mind is playing tricks on you again, reminding you of what you've lost. You know what you've lost, you feel so empty now, like a part of you is missing, like a part of you has been destroyed forever. You know you'll never feel whole again. You pray a lot now, only your prayers have changed. You used to pray that you'll be together again one day, but the pain inside you tells you that will never happen. You made your choice, the wrong choice and now the memories of him, of his love are eating away at you like a worm inside your body and you feel sore and battered and you want to die. You pray for the worm to kill you, but it only teases you, lets you feel the sadness and the suffering. You pray to die because it's all so meaningless without him. You feel how cold it is now that he's gone, like you'll never feel warmth again and even at night when you're in bed that coldness never goes away. You don't think it ever will.
You hear his parting words over and over in your head like a song you can't shake. Only it's not a song, its heartache, sadness, distress and despair. You wonder if he still feels that way. You know you do. You wish you could see him just one last time. You wish you could get lost in his eyes, wrap yourself up in him and his love, but one time would never be enough. You'd always want more. You didn't think he'd give up on you so easily, you thought he'd hound you, pester you, but he seems to have accepted your decision. You hoped he'd try and see you, maybe now he sees you for what you really are. You wonder if he's moved on, gone back to Douglas or even found someone new. Just thinking about it makes you feel sick; you can taste the bile in your mouth and it takes all your strength not to throw up. You wonder if he even remembers you at all. You remember him though, every second of every day and you always will. You always knew he was the one for you, you felt it from the first time you saw him with every fiber of your being.
You hope that he's happy, although part of you hopes that he's just as miserable as you. You know it's selfish, but you don't care. You don't ever want him to get over you, not really. You think back to all the times he tried to, but he never managed to do it. You were always there to soften him, make him forgive you and most importantly you made him love you again. Only now you are here, stuck in this prison and you are ripped away from him and the world you once shared together. That world was amazing and you miss it so much and sometimes you find yourself smiling at how close you got to a happy ending. I guess you should be grateful you had a good few months. Together you created your own little bubble and for a while no one got in, but it was only a matter of time. You should've known that and maybe you did, but you gave it a shot because you knew he was worth it. You'd do it all again in a heartbeat.
You hate not knowing how he is, you wish that you had outside information, but after cutting ties with everyone there is no one left. You've thought about getting friendly with someone in here, someone who's getting out soon, someone who could find out, but you worry that if they set their sights on him they'd want him for themselves. You know your being paranoid, but you don't want to take any chances. You think about writing to him, but you know that it would do him even more harm and you don't want to do that. You don't want to hurt him anymore. You find yourself hoping that he will get in touch; you hope that he will know what you are thinking and make it easy for you. You know it's pointless, but you still wait for that letter that never comes. You wonder if he'll surprise you one day. You thought it would be easy to forget him in here, knowing that you can't have him, but that only makes you want him more if that is possible. You should've died on the balcony of Chez Chez that night because now you have to wait longer for that next life and you hate every day that you are without him.
You thank god for the time you spent with him, you only wish you could've had more, but then no amount of time would be enough when it comes to him. It amazes you how much one person can make you feel, how you know by looking in to his eyes that there is no one else for you and never will be. You feel that you were made just for him and when he kisses you, when he touches you, you know that he was. You find yourself not working without him, he completes you, makes you want to be better than you are and you wish you could have just one more chance with him. You want to show him that you are ready to give him all of you, that you always were, but people just got in the way. You want to tell him how much you love him, how much he has changed you and how sorry you are for leaving him behind. You never wanted to leave him behind, that was not your intention. You want him back more than anything in the world, but it's too late. You know he can't come back this time.
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