A/N: Inspired by minor writer's block and "Let there be Lightman". 1/5 things I wrote when I couldn't write What Hurts Most. I'm editing, they'll be up soon. And, apparently I like curse words, so here's that warning.
The first words are the hardest to write. You may know what you want to say, where you want the story to go, but when you look at the blank piece of paper or computer screen, something inside of you freezes up. Sometimes, no amount of staring will provide enough heat to thaw out your muse. Sometimes, the words just don't come.
So you type something, anything. You craft a shaky (shitty) beginning and your hand grows steadier as you go. You free words, sentences, paragraphs from your mind and suddenly it all begins to flow. Suddenly, you've found the rhythm that will take you to where you need to go, you can always revise the start later. You go through rising action to climax to falling action to denouement. You write the ending you've envisioned, you've dreamed.
I never thought I would get to the end with you. I was just way too shaky on the beginnings. When I realised my feelings, I resisted; I pushed you, I hurt you. And yeah, I knew I was doing it. But then so soon I found myself inches from losing you and I jumped in with two feet. I moved beyond lashing out to being a friend to loving you in silence to finally loving you aloud. And to you, the beginning became negligible (which is essential because you can't revise real life, no matter how much you might want to).
The first line of my book might've been "let there be Lightman" initially, but it got to the point where it said everything it needed to (including that dedication page which said only three letters beside your name; not doctor, not Foster, just Gillian). I even found the words to tell you, found a thousand little ways to show you.
Nothing started well. My life began amidst violence and despair, my career was built on years of shame and guilt, my relationship with you was built on a blame I harboured myself.
My beginnings are not always good; that's a fact. My endings, though, tend to be quite the opposite. After all, I ended up with you.