for the prompt: "I had a near death experience." OH BE QUIET. I WAS NOWHERE NEAR YOU.

(Or, Shinichi becomes Death, and it's not funny except in the sense that it – well, kind of is.)

Hattori plunks down cheerfully in the seat next to Shinichi, already helping himself to a large slice of the okonomiyaki they'd ordered to share. "You know, I had a near death experience today!"

Oʜ, sʜᴜᴛ ᴜᴘ, Shinichi says with no little irritation, breaking his chopsticks apart with a sharp snap. I ᴡᴀs ᴄʜᴀsɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ sᴜsᴘᴇᴄᴛ ʜᴀʟғᴡᴀʏ ᴀᴄʀᴏss ᴛᴏᴡɴ, ɪɴ ᴄᴀsᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ.

Kazuha interrupts somewhat hesitantly from across the table before Hattori can retort. "Um, Kudo-kun? You're doing the thing again."

Wʜɪᴄʜ ᴛʜ– ᴏʜ. Sᴏʀʀʏ. I ᴍᴇᴀɴ – Shinichi stops, and tries again, making sure to filter the resounding echo out from his next words. "Sorry. Still trying to get a handle on that, it's new even to me."

"Right." Hattori snorts, reaching for the container of bonito flakes. "Good to know that some things can still challenge ya, Kudo."

Ran can't quite stifle a giggle at that. "You should've seen Shinichi at school, Hattori-kun, he accidentally used the voice while correcting a teacher last week. Sonoko even took a video, it's on my phone!"

Shinichi kicks both of them swiftly and accurately under the table, because even if he's the anthropomorphic personification of human mortality for a good portion of metropolitan Japan now, he sure isn't going to interrupt his own enjoyment of the best food Osaka has to offer.

He feels mildly vindicated when Hattori yelps and glares at him balefully.

The satisfaction promptly vanishes a minute later, though, when Hattori speaks up again, a considering look on his face. "So… does that mean I can't die unless you're around? Or would you get, like, teleported over or somethin'?"

Shinichi groans. "I've already had to deal with a long week of uncreative deaths, Hattori, the last thing I want to do is solve the predestination paradox over dinner."

"Don't worry about Heiji, Kudo-kun," Kazuha says with a determined expression on her face. "I'll drag him outside if I have to, you and Ran-chan just enjoy the okonomiyaki here!"

Hattori quails under her look – Kazuha's been taking lessons from Shizuka, it seems – and Shinichi thanks her with a grin.

It is good okomiyaki, after all, and even Death needs a break sometimes.

.

bonus:

"Oh, and one more thing – can you put Tou-san on the line?"

"Sure, I'll go get him right now, Shin-chan!"

There's the brief sound of a scuffle on the other end before his dad's voice comes on the line. "What is it, Shinichi?"

"I was in Ekoda earlier today for a case, and one of the witnesses was this girl from one of the high schools there." Shinichi pauses. "She addressed me by name and everything before I even introduced myself."

He can practically hear Yuusaku frowning in thought. "That's not surprising, considering the news coverage you've gotten recently. Yukiko still subscribes to the major Japanese newspapers, you know."

Shinichi gives a hum of agreement, then goes in for the – figurative – kill. "She also said that I was taking over the family business, and I'm fairly certain she didn't mean the detective work. Should I assume there's something you're not telling me?"

There's a lengthy silence, and Shinichi waits patiently for a response. He's successfully interrogated far less cooperative suspects, and that was before he'd gained a distinct tendency to put off anyone with a working sense of self-preservation, if Ran's descriptions are anything to go by. (Which probably explains why Hattori had ended up practically gravitating to him instead, now that he thinks about it.)

"Did you get her name?" Yuusaku finally asks.

"Koizumi Akako, from Ekoda High," Shinichi answers promptly, deciding to leave the whole 'possibly an actual witch' part out for now. "So, care to explain? I'm waiting."

END

what even is this silliness idk. also discworld!Dᴇᴀᴛʜ is the best, this is not up for argument