A/N: This is my first Star Trek: Voyager fic, having just fairly recently discovered Voyager and all its glory. This story will be one of two chapters. J/C – set some time in the third season.
It was a fairly uneventful week in the Delta Quadrant and in turn it had made Chakotay particularly moody. Every little thing annoyed him. Looking over a report he began tapping his fingers rhythmically on the arm of his Command chair.
"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."
"Yes, Doctor," he huffed.
"When you have a free moment could you please come in for your annual physical."
"I'll be there shortly, Chakotay out."
Looking around there was nothing much useful to do, he may as well get to the bottom of why he felt so darn temperamental.
"Tuvok you have the bridge," he said getting up and making his way to the turbolift.
"Aye Commander."
Meanwhile...
After the Doctor had sent out his memo to Chakotay, Kathryn entered sickbay blisfully holding a stack of PADDs.
"Captain ," The Doctor looked surprised to see her, she was notorious for avoiding sickbay at all costs, "Finally decided to come by for your physical?"
She gave him an impish grin, "Nice try Doctor. No, just delivering these latest reports, protocols and such you understand."
"Of course," he replied, apathetically taking the stack off her.
"But now that you're here I must insist you stay for a physical," he said persistently taking note of her obscene nature of ignoring him as she began walking away towards the door as it hissed open.
"Another time Doctor," she raised a hand walking away down the hall and out of sickbay whilst the Doctor stared at the closing door, sighing. One of these days he is going to make her stay for at least one of her physicals.
As Kathryn rounded the corner she saw Chakotay step out from the turbolift.
"Captain," he polietly acknowledged her with a nod. She gave him a warm smile, one which made his moods melt away from him at the very sight of her.
"On your way to your physical?" she asked him.
"Afraid so."
She gave him a sympathetic smile patting him on the shoulder.
"I'll see you on the bridge," she continued stepping onto the turbolift and watching Chakotay venture towards sickbay, she only hoped that the Doctor wouldn't ask him to insist upon her long overdue visit.
The doors to sickbay hissed open just as the doctor had put the PADDs in his office and was coming out again.
"Ah Commander, so good for you to join me, I thought it would take a bit of convincing since-"
"Just get it over with doctor, I'm a busy man," he snapped.
"Sorry," Chakotay immediately apologized, "I've been feeling a little...moody lately."
"Hmmm," well let's see what the problem is shall we," he began to scan him as Chakotay positioned himself on the biobed.
"We'll nothing much to report other than you have a clean bill of health, but your hormone levels are a little elevated, Commander tell me, are you participating in any sexual activity as of lately?"
A little stunned at this he simply answered. "No, why is that important?"
"Sometimes boosters can cause a fluctuation in hormone levels. If you're not engaged in any sexual activity, I would like to temporarily take you off your boosters and not administer you a renewal this time. This should hopefully steady your moods to an appropriate level. Once taken off them for a while giving your body time to stabilize itself I will again adminster boosters to you at a lower dosage and monitor your hormone levels closely to ensure that it does not once again over fluctuate."
"Very well, do what you have to do," he sighed.
Honestly it wasn't going to make any difference. There was only one woman Chakotay had eyes for, but the possibility for that to happen whilst in the Delta Quadrant seemed far fetched.
Pressing the hypospray to his neck, the Doctor immediately noted the sigh of relief escape from Chakotay.
"How are you feeling, Commander?"
He took a deep breath in suddenly feeling lightened and happier.
"A lot better actually. Thank you, Doctor."
"Quite all right. I expect you to report back to me in a few days and I will monitor the affects then we will re-evaluate the situation in a few weeks if all goes according to plan."
"Will do," he agreed, hopping off the biobed and exiting sickbay.
One week later,
Kathryn had just finished reading her reports for the night in her ready room and was about ready to turn in for the night, after all her shift had finished an hour earlier. Looking at her completed pile of reports she felt accomplished enough to leave the rest for the next day. Upon leaving she picked up a few PADDs that she decided she would deliver to Chakotay in his quarters, after all his quarters were right next door to hers, it certainly was no trouble at all and to be honest she enjoyed any chance there was to have a friendly chat with him or just see him smile.
She took the turbolift to Deck 3 and stopped in front of his door with the PADDs in hand and rang the chime, hearing his welcoming response almost immediately.
"Captain," he smiled, "What can I do for you?"
Walking into his quarters, she began, "Tomorrows reports Commander, sorry to say."
"Uh," his smile vanished somewhat, taking the PADDs off her and placed them on the table.
Noticing that she was just about to turn to leave he stopped her, "Finished for the evening?"
She crossed her arms over her chest contentedly, "Yes, I think I made some pleasant progress on my reports to have the night off for once."
He smiled with those cute dimples she so did love. "That's good to hear..." he scratched his head wondering what to say next, after all it wasn't everyday that she came to his quarters, "I was just about to have a coffee, care to join me?"
She pondered for a moment then responded with a smile, "I would love to." How could she resist the offer of coffee in the company of her best friend.
Chakotay shortly returned with two cups of coffee and led her over to the couch.
"Coffee, black, just the way you like it," he handed her the steamy beverage.
"I don't know how you stand it," he sat down on the couch beside her, cupping his own coffee cup in his hands.
"It's an acquired taste," she laughed softly, "One which I have come to love," she savored the rich blend of coffee that filled her hearts desire with one sip.
Chakotay loved the sound of her laugh and the sweet look on her face whenever she drank coffee. He had to look away from her for a moment before the love for her in his eyes became blantantly obvious.
They began talking about the days events spanning from both professional and personal affairs of the ship.
"Neelix's latest concoction actually sent Tom to sickbay after dinner."
"What was it?" she looked intrigued.
"I'm not sure, but after Tom, no one else dared to try it. I believe it was something crossed with leola root."
She shook her head, "Neelix sure knows how to surprise others."
"A little too much in my opinion."
Their conversation eventually started to drift to that of a more personal nature. Kathyrn was telling Chakotay about her childhood. He savored every detail of her past that she unfolded to him. He loved to hear more about the woman behind the Starfleet Captain for she rarely divulged into such personal matters. Chakotay as well began to share a bit from his own past, telling Kathryn of the particular tricks he got up to in his years at the academy.
Finishing her second coffee, Kathryn was fully attentive and laughing warmly at his surprisingly mischievous days as a cadet, until she found her hand subconsciously resting lightly above his knee. Chakotay could feel the warmth of her hand radiate through his body as he became well aware of it. His heart began to race, taking this as a sign from her he subtly shifted closer to her, closing the gap between them on the couch until they were so close to each other they could practically feel their warm breath on their shoulders. Kathryn suddenly made note of her hand on his thigh as Chakotay's hand covered it stroking her knuckles gently, she felt her heart flutter at his touch.
They suddenly became silent as the laughing died out. Their eyes nervously wandering around finally locked on to each others. Chakotay leant in closer to her and Kathryn made no objections to try to stop him. Their faces only inches from each other, Kathryn looked timidly into Chakotays deep brown eyes before taking the final step and pressed her lips to his. It was very unlike her, but yet it was the most natural thing that she had ever done. He kissed her back lightly until the intensity began to rise. Their kissing began to heat up as their lips parted and their tongues began a search inside the caverns of their mouths, weaving together with one another, until kissing just wasn't enough. Their hands began a frantic search of their bodies in the need to bring each other closer to them.
Chakotay began to unzip Kathryn's jacket and continued his search of her body over the grey turtleneck, whilst Kathryn also unzipped Chakotay's jacket, stripping it off him letting it fall to the floor. Their kissing became fervent and they both knew where this was leading to. They stood up not stopping their physical contact with each other as Chakotay led her towards his bedroom stripping the remainder of their uniform from each other before falling onto the bed together entwined with one another...
After all was done they lay still side by side, staring at the ceiling above them while a simple white sheet lay draped over them.
"What just happened?" Kathryn asked confusedly.
Puffing breathlessly trying to answer that exact question that likewise was on his mind, Chakotay responded, "I think..we just had sex."
Kathryn's hands shot to her head, "how could we have let this happen? How could I? I know better than this," she chided herself for letting it get this far.
"I'm sorry Commander, this never happened," she said sitting up trying to revert to professionalism but then quickly clutched the sheet to her chest when she realized that she was extremely exposed under the thin white sheet.
Chakotay also sat up leaning his back against the bulkhead. "But Kathryn...it did, can you honestly tell me that you felt nothing? That you don't have any romantic feelings for me?"
She paused and sighed very deeply and in a soft nonchalant voice responded, "Of course I did, I care very...fondly about you," she tried to find the right word to put it into an appropriate context, "But you know my reasons for why we can't, I made that very clear on New Earth and as much as it pains me, you know my first duty is to the crew. I have the responsibility to ensure that all of us get home. I don't expect you to understand this Chakotay, but it is how it is and until such time where this is no longer an issue, a relationship simply cannot happen between us...I'm so sorry, it should have never gotten this far," she said lastly, turning her back to him putting her bra on and pulling her starfleet regulation grey tank top on, then reaching for her pants as she quickly began dressing into her uniform, again picking up her jacket that was hastily strewn across the floor a few feet ahead of her.
"Kathryn...I love you," Chakotay said as she reached the door. She stood around slowly with glistening eyes, he could see how much this tore her up inside, but he just couldn't let her walk away without telling her the truth.
"Please, Chakotay..." she whispered pleadingly, her head hung low, then tilted up again fighting back the tears forming in her perfect blue eyes that caused Chakotay's heart to race and beat every time he looked into them.
Then she left, leaving Chakotay to stare into nothingness.
It had been an awkward few months since this incident occurred. They had distanced themselves from each other as much as possible. Kathryn spent more time in her ready room than usual to avoid seeing Chakotay on the bridge. This distance from the Command team was beginning to slowly impact the crew and they both knew it.
After the senior staff meeting, Kathryn had finally decided to set things straight and asked for Chakotay to stay behind. As soon as the rest of the senior officers had left the room, Chakotay looked to his right, "Captain?"
"I want to make this right, Chakotay, this tension between us, it's not good for the crew and I think it's about time that we let our personal matter slide."
He sighed looking away, "I know this is hard, Chakotay, but to be honest...I can't run this ship without you," she looked him in his eyes for the first time in weeks, "...and above all, I miss our friendship terribly."
He looked at her, she looked beyond tired and her eyes were not the gleaming blue they once were, but were almost a pale blue-grey. She needed him more than he realized.
"As do I, Kathryn."
It had been the first time in months that she had heard him call her that. And although she was adamant about her decision to forgo a personal relationship between herself and Chakotay, she couldn't cast aside the undeniable feeling of love she also felt for him, especially when such simple things as him saying her name or the sweet smile or look in his eyes that he gave her was enough to make her want to fall completely head over heels into his loving embrace. But alas she was the Captain and could not afford such luxuries in the midst of her duty.
She smiled seeing the first real smile from him in weeks.
"So can we agree not to mention...'that night' again? not only for our sake but for the crews."
"I think that would be wise," he nodded.
"Good. Well how about dinner tonight 1900, my quarters? To...start over."
He thought about it for a moment but at the first glance into her eyes he just couldn't resist. Although it hurt that they could only ever be friends, if that was all he could be to her, then that was going to have to be enough.
"I'll be there."
Later that night,
After Kathryn's duty shift had ended, she came back to her quarters noticing that she had completed all of her reports for the night which was remarkably rare for her to have done.
"Computer, time."
"The time is 1820."
She figured she had enough time to freshen up and headed to her bathroom to take a quick sonic shower. Once she was out she draped a robe over her, dabbed her hair dry and let it skim over her shoulders whilst applying a minimal amount of make up. She walked over to her closet pulling out a selection of dresses to wear. Pulling on a light blue knee length dress, she quickly discovered that it was tight on her and in fact most of her civillian dresses she tried on were much tighter than they had been the last time she had worn them.
Suffice to say she couldn't exactly remember how long ago that was. The past few weeks were more busy than ever and she found herself living in her uniform.
It was the first time in weeks that she actually took time to fully look at herself. She wasn't as lean as she used to be a few weeks ago. Still perplexed about the situation of her dresses, Kathryn pulled out the final dress in her closet and was relieved to find that it was looser fitting than the others. Smoothing the dress over her midsection she sighed disappointedly at herself. It still looked good on her, though not entirely concealing everything, she hoped at least that Chakotay would not notice her somewhat 'changed' figure. She had more pressing issues with the ship and would have to worry about her superficial weight gain when she had more time on her hands, but at this present point in time she simply couldn't let it get to her.
Whilst Kathryn got ready so too did Chakotay in his quarters next to hers. Emerging from the bathroom he also dressed in civilian clothing, black slacks and a white shirt with thin pale blue stripes. He wasn't lying when he thought about how nervous he was to have dinner with Kathryn. She had hurt him very deeply that night, but yet a part of him still yearned for that friendship they once shared. If it was ever going to get back to how it was before, they were both simply going to have to move on. Kathryn was right, they needed this night to move past the awkward slump they had both been in the past few months following their escapade in his quarters. Running his fingers through his hair Chakotay proceeded to get this night over with, so they could get back to normal.
At 1900 precisely on time Kathryn heard the chime to her quarters go off and called him in. She watched as he came in, looking dashing in a simplistic and casual way.
"Dinners almost ready," she called out to him.
"Smells good," he noted.
"Just something simple I threw together...or rather the replicator did," she scratched her head guiltily.
He laughed at her honesty, helping her set the plates on the table, whilst he did so he too admired her casual attire for she rarely came out of uniform. As she fussed over the table he noticed that although carefully concealed, she was not as thin as she was a few weeks ago. She had put on a few pounds around her midsection and her chest seemed more fuller. Certainly she was a busy woman and did not have the extra time to get a proper work out in or have time to spare on the holodeck, although allocated the time to use it. Well at least she's living on more than coffee he thought to himself, which was somewhat of a sign of relief to him that she was at least still eating.
Over the next three days, things were finally beginning to revert back to normal. Kathryn and Chakotay were finally working together again and he had started to see the spark comeback to her magnificent blue eyes again. But on the fourth day Kathryn could hardly get out of her quarters that morning. She had been denying a familiar sickness for the past few weeks. Her track record for avoiding sickbay was certainly exceeding her this time. Clutching a hold of the toilet bowl for the better half of that morning, she shook her head and decided that she couldn't keep pretending that it wasn't bothering her, when it plagued her in the most ungodly hours of the day. Deciding to finally 'man up' she put on her uniform, putting on her 'Captains mask' and walked briskly to sickbay before she could change her mind.
Once the doors to sickbay hissed open she almost immediately thrust herself upon the nearest sink and threw up what little contents remained in her stomach and activated the EMH breathlessly.
"Please state the nature of- Captain?" the Doctor rushed over to her seeing her leaning precariously against the sink almost looking as though she was about to faint and pressed a hypospray to her neck that quickly alleviated her nausea, holding onto her securely and guided her gently to the biobed.
"What seems to be the problem?"
She ran a hand down her face utterly exhausted. "I haven't been feeling well these past few weeks, I thought it would eventually go away but this morning has been particularly bad."
There must be something wrong with her if she voluntarily came to sickbay the Doctor thought.
She begun fanning herself with her hand, "Is it me or is it hot in here?" she took off her jacket. The doctor placed his hand on her forehead and took out his medical tricorder and began to scan her thoroughly.
"Hmmm," his eyebrows raised eying her surprisingly then snapped the tricorder shut once he had gathered all the readings.
"Well there is no easier way to say this so here goes. Congratulations, you're pregnant."
"I'm what?" she said almost out of breath.
"Pregnant, and at 15 weeks along, I am quite surprised that you did not notice."
"How could this have happened?" Why didn't Chakotay's boosters work? he certainly was up to date with his physicals when they are administered, in fact she could almost guarantee it when she ran into him on the way to his a few months before. She hadn't received her period for a while when she came to think about it, but yet she was under huge amounts of stress trying to run a ship so missed and irregular periods had been somewhat of a 'norm' for her. Why hadn't his darn booster worked?
"May I remind you that you never came for your last physical for me to renew your boosters," the Doctor snapped her out of her daze.
"I know that its just..."
"Will you be informing the Commander today about the baby?" she shot him a wide eyed look.
"It says it all here in the tricorder, the DNA of both parents."
She sighed, there was no escaping this. "I...I need a few days."
"Captain, I should warn you that at 15 weeks you will have to tell the Commander fairly soon because if my observations mean anything, you are already beginning to somewhat 'show'." Noticing the subtle roundness of her abdomen against the thin turtleneck she wore since taking off her jacket. Kathryn was a slim woman and such condition was undoubtedly beginning to show noticeably.
"Hiding it much longer will be hard, especially when working on the bridge together so closely on a daily basis-"
"I know Doctor," she interrupted him, snapping at him slightly then calming down, "I just need to...process this myself first. I hope that this information will be held under the strictest of confidence."
"Of course."
"Well if that is all, I am due on the bridge," she said returning to her professionalism.
"Yes for now," but you will need to come back tomorrow once I have a nutritional plan set out for you. But for now this will do," he said placing a hypospray lightly to her neck, "it should also help with the nausea." He saw her sigh and the color return to her face once administered. "Thank you, I will." She said lastly, pulling on her jacket again and hopping off the biobed, walking swiftly out of sickbay, not wanting to look back.
Four days later,
Kathryn was nonetheless stunned by this sudden revelation, but she knew that there was only so much time she had left. She had been avoiding the bridge again the past few days, opting to hide in her ready room for the majority of her shift. But enough was enough, she had to tell him. With her elbows on her desk and her head resting in her hands she shook her head slightly then straightened up hitting her comm badge.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"Commander, please report to my ready room."
"Aye, Captain."
The chime sounded almost immediately.
"Come in," she answered.
"You wanted to see me Captain?" he said casually walking into the room seeing her sitting behind her desk. He was slightly confused. Everything had been fine for a few days after they had dinner, but these past few days she had appeared to have reverted back to her caged-up state, avoiding Chakotay and the bridge at all costs. Chakotay wondered what all of this was about. Why had she suddenly wanted to put everything straight and then go right back to the beginning again?
Something was up with her.
"Chakotay"- she began, deciding that she needed to establish a personal tone to the conversation and dropped ranks for the occasion, "I think we need to talk about a particular...issue."
His jaw tightened.
"Is this about 'that night' a few months ago," noting her personal tone of voice.
Could she really be trying to talk about 'that night' now.
His patience was wearing thin, they had agreed for the sake of both of them not only professionally but personally to not bring up 'that night' again.
She fidgeted with her fingers, "To some extent, yes," she came out from behind her desk and stood in front of him a few feet ahead of him, leaving an obvious gap between them.
A hand shot to his head as he clutched his hair and looked away, "Dammit, Kathryn-"
"I'm pregnant."
Suddenly Chakotay's face lost all color as he stood completely dumbfounded, taking a long time to respond.
"How long have you known?" He took a good glance at her body, doing the math in his head knowing she had to be at least 16 weeks. This explains everything!
"A couple of days."
"A couple of days?" scrutinizing her figure more intensely, "Kathryn, you're practically showing through your uniform!" he yelled slightly, seeing her slight bulge that he now knew was his baby.
"I know! I just..." she took a deep breath before continuing, calming down. "It wasn't a possibility to even consider it at first...you're suppose to be on your boosters! I don't know why it didn't work..."
"I'm not on my boosters, Kathryn..." he began to explain, "For my last physical I told the doctor that I was feeling more moodier than usual and he suggested taking me off them for a couple of weeks. Since I didn't think I had a chance to be with you for a couple of years at least, it never worried me and 'that night' I assumed you'd have been on yours so it wouldn't have mattered."
"Oh come on Chakotay, you know as well as I do that I never go to any of my physicals, therefore I never got my boosters renewed!"
"Always stubborn as hell you know that; Looking out for every member of this crew but yourself."
"Chakotay, this is serious," she growled looking at him in the eyes with her death glare.
"I know this is serious Kathryn, this is a baby...our baby!" He sat down on the couch, his head in his hands, looking at the floor between his knees.
She didn't say anything for a moment and let the news sink into his head, for it wasn't something to think lightly about.
"That night...before I left. You said something to me..." she looked away and sighed, "I guess what i'm trying to say is..." her voice was quiet and shaky, obviously trying to keep control of her emotions but failing as they slipped past, "Do you still feel the same way?"
He paused for a minute, with his head still looking down to the floor, then looked up at her standing vulnerably before him and seeing the fear in her eyes that he could only sense as being the fear of rejection. She was scared and she was pregnant. No woman should ever have to feel like that. It tore his heart to think how this was affecting her. He stood up slowly and walked towards her grabbing her hands.
"Yes," he looked straight into her eyes, "I still love you."
Her heart quivered and she felt herself succumbing to her pent-up emotions.
"I love you too," she whispered, a stray tear falling from her glistening blue eyes.
She couldn't control it anymore as tears began cascading freely down her cheeks until she was fully crying. Chakotay closed the distance between them and Kathryn buried her head into his chest as he wrapped his strong arms around her and held her while she sobbed. She was the rock for this ship and had fought tooth and nail to ensure that she delivered her promise to her crew.
She was the one who had made the decision to destroy the array and had the burden thrust upon her shoulders. Chakotay respected her decisions and all that she had done for the crew, but she had denied a duty to herself more often than not. This was certainly going to change everything aboard Voyager and all that she had come to prevent. Chakotay was partially responsible for this slip-up, so at this present point in time he just held her and comforted her because he knew that as Captain of Voyager she was the one who was about to undergo the hardest sacrifice. He loved her, a child with her although shocked at the initial news, was the happiest news he had ever received. He had wanted nothing more in his life than to have a family with her. The prospect was however both exciting yet unnerving.
After a few minutes Kathryn's crying ceased and Chakotay moved his hands up to cup her face looking at her dead in the eyes.
"It's going to be all right. You're not alone. I'm here for you. We can do this, " he slowly moved his hands down her back onto her waist, then daringly moved one hand around to her front until it lightly rested upon her swollen abdomen, where their unborn child lay.
She dried away the tears and shrugged her shoulders, looking at him seriously.
"Can we?"
The next morning, Kathryn and Chakotay decided to brave a visit to sickbay surprising the Doctor to much of his relief. Kathryn lay down on the biobed whilst the doctor began to scan her, Chakotay held her hand as she clutched his nervously.
"Would you like to know the sex?"
They both looked at each other with unspoken thoughts and nodded together.
Reading the scans from the tricorder the Doctor looked at them fondly. "It is a healthy baby girl of approximately 16 weeks."
Their smiles were hard to contain. A daughter. Chakotay had always dreamed of having a daughter, and Kathryn could not possibly fathom how much she never thought this day would come. She certainly had thought about having children one day, but her decision to destroy the array had in her eyes been the end of all such dreams, until today.
Helping her sit up the Doctor looked at her curiously, "Are you ready to tell the crew?"
"I think we have to," Chakotay said looking at Kathryn, "There's already some speculation."
Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Great..."she sighed, "May as well get it over and done with then."
"It's going to come as quite a shock," The Doctor warned.
Kathryn simply nodded her head, tilting it slightly downcast, "Hopefully one that they can learn to manage with."
"I'm sure it will be," Chakotay rubbed her back in reasurrance, "After all, it's not a death sentence."
"No. But it is life-changing," Kathryn slumped. Things aboard Voyager were certainly going to be different.
Hope you enjoyed that. Reviews are greatly appreciated. I will try to have the last chapter posted fairly soon x