Forgive, But Never Forget

by Lady Starhawk

Serenity Valley effected everyone who was there. The crew of the Blue Squid try and deal with the consequences of their actions years later. Non-canon characters in the canon 'verse. More stories about Mouse are on their way.

Title: Forgive, But Never Forget

Author: Lady Starhawk

Beta: Mandy

Rating: PG

Warning: None

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: I don't own the 'verse, although if I did Firefly would still be on the air.

Authors notes: This is a story set in the Firefly universe. It's not about the canon characters however. It is about the crew of the Blue Squid, a battered old firefly class ship that's held together with little more than stubborn determination. These are characters from a table-top RPG game we played for nearly a year. And yes, the brothers were played by two of my buddies, and were based off of the twins from Boondock Saints. It was one of the best games I was ever in, and inspired my muse like nobody's business. I have a bunch of stories in the works about Mouse and the crew. I hope you like it.

I am having some trouble with the site right now. It's been a long time since I've posted a story so I am a bit rusty. Please be patient with me.

MMMMM

Connor approached the galley from the bridge and noticed a light on. As he rounded the corner, he saw Mouse curled up on the end of the couch reading a book. He did a double take as he entered the room. She had her hair down and was wearing a tank top and shorts. She was barefoot. Usually their petite mercenary was fully dressed for trouble, even on ship. Her hair was long, easily down to her waist, and she appeared completely relaxed. Connor knew better though, she had noticed him as soon as he approached the galley, and she had at least one knife on her, even now, under her sleep clothes.

The ring on her left hand was gleaming in the light. His younger cousin George had proposed to her on her birthday. He smiled; maybe she was acting more relaxed because she finally was starting to feel like family. They seemed an unusual pair. The tiny, dangerous sharp shooter, and the huge, gentle mechanic, but it worked for them. They complemented each other perfectly.

"George must be working on the engine, and Mouse is waiting up for him again," Connor thought as he went to the counter to get a cup of tea for his brother and him. They had picked up a big box of their favorite tea from their Ma at the last mail stop, and Connor intended to enjoy it before his twin brother Murphy drank it all.

He heated up the water and looked over at Mouse again. It really unnerved him to not see her in her clunky boots, hair tied up neatly off her neck, wearing heavy denim jeans and battle vest. She looked small and delicate sitting there. Someone to BE protected instead of the one to offer protection. He could finally see what George saw in her, that dichotomy was appealing.

As he steeped the tea leaves, he looked over at her again and noticed her numerous scars. He knew she had had a hard life, not only as a soldier, but working a ranch during her younger years, and as a bodyguard since the war was over. There was a long badly-stitched scar running the length of her left arm, and a huge nasty divot that was probably once a gunshot wound on her leg. She flipped her hair to the other shoulder, and he saw the scar that had taken her voice. It was faded, but deep. Her larynx had been crushed, and although her life had been saved, her voice was not. She has been mute ever since.

She went to turn the page in her book when he saw it. On her right shoulder. Something he didn't expect. She had a tattoo. He couldn't quite make it out, and she shifted before he could get a really good look. She didn't seem the type to go for frivolous decoration.

He disposed of the leaves from his tea and went over to sit in the chair across from the couch. As he sat with a sigh, Mouse looked up from her book and acknowledged him. He noticed it was the manual from the gun her old client Dusty had sent to her for her birthday. She had been his bodyguard for a while, and her oldest brother was still in his employ. It was some kind of shotgun that had a grenade launcher built in. Connor wasn't happy about it, being an illegal weapon and all, but he wasn't going to deny Mouse her new toy. She had saved his backside more than once, and she was always careful with the illegal stuff. He knew she could be trusted.

"Little light reading?" He asked her pointing to her book.

She smiled and nodded. It was a warm and genuine smile.

"George working on something?"

She nodded.

Connor knew that Mouse didn't like to go to bed without George. She had informed him that it was because she woke up when he came in and she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. So she would stay up and find things to do if he was going to be late.

"Can I ask you a question?"

She put a bookmark in her place and set the manual down on the table. She picked up one of the tablets of paper and a pen left scattered around the ship for such a purpose. She looked at him and nodded.

"What's the tattoo of?" He pointed to his own shoulder as he asked.

Her smile fell, and her face became blank. She bit her lip and took a deep breath. She looked at the tablet for a few seconds, as if she was trying to figure out what she was going to say to him. He knew she didn't keep many secrets, and if asked she would tell him anything, whether he really wanted to know or not. The fact that she didn't go straight into an explanation should have tipped him off; unfortunately, curiosity won out and he didn't notice.

She wrote on the tablet and handed it to him. In memory of my brother.

She pulled her hair off of her neck, pulled her tank top strap aside, and showed him the tattoo. It was a headstone. It was white, like the military headstones from pictures he had seen from Earth that was. Jesse Abraham Mouskewitz May 2, 2482 – October 12, 2510. Beloved brother, Independent spirit. It had some grass on the bottom and a couple of yellow daisies, one of the flowers that grew all over Serenity Valley before the fighting had started.

"Your brother?"

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them and wrote Died in the war.

"But the Independents surrendered on September 30th, he died after the fighting stopped?" Connor was definitely intrigued now. He remembered September 30th with vivid clarity. It was a day he would never forget. Unification day.

She nodded in the affirmative.

"What happened?"

I don't want to get into this now.

"Get into what?" something in his gut told him he should leave it, but he had to know. His curiosity overrode his empathic senses.

She then wrote the words that the McManus brothers dread the most Serenity Valley.

"You were there?" He asked tentatively.

She nodded without looking up.

Connor began studying his teacup, "So were Murph and I." When he looked back up, she was writing again.

I thought you were pilots during the war. None of the Independent ships around Hera were left in one piece by the end.

When she looked up from the tablet he could see the pain and confusion in her eyes. It seemed time hadn't yet dulled her pain; it certainly hadn't dulled his much.

He sighed, and decided to share his story in the hopes of getting hers. "We were supposed to be doing a supply run. HQ was still deciding on whether to send in supplies and air support for the troops. We were about to enter orbit around Hera when we got an incoming message. Murphy put it on the vid screen, and we saw It was one of our friends from the academy. He was captaining an Alliance gunship around the planet at the time. He knew it was our ship, and he warned us to leave. The Independent HQ wasn't going to be sending any support for us, or the troops, and if we went any farther he would have to shoot us down. His orders were to not allow any Independent ships to land. He told us if we wanted to live we should leave." Connor's voice got very soft, "So we did." He sighed.

"I managed to convince Murphy to leave. It wasn't easy, but it was suicide to try and get the supplies to the planet, and I couldn't imagine what it would do to our mother to have both of us die. To this day, I'm not sure how I made it, and I know Murphy regrets the decision, but it was mine to make. We sold the ship and supplies and bought the Blue Squid. We went home to Dyton, picked up cousin George, dropped off the extra money, and took off."

He looked at Mouse and her posture was completely rigid. Her hands were balled into fists and she was taking slow, deep breaths. Connor knew she was very close to losing it. He took a step back and fingered the comm unit in his pocket, just in case he needed back-up.

After a minute she picked up the tablet and began to write. Connor was looking intently at her, waiting for a sign she was about to attack him. It took a while, but once she was done writing she handed him the tablet and started to pace. She was moving silently, and if he hadn't seen her moving out of the corner of his eye he would have believed he was alone.

Even towards the end of the battle we were running short on supplies. My spotter Roger and I were stationed at a drop site waiting for the supply ships to land to provide cover. We waited for 3 days before we headed back to where the 57th was stationed with Sergeant Malcolm Reynolds. A few hours after we joined up with Reynolds, we were given the order to lay down arms. I had seen the condition the rest of the army was in, and I was almost grateful. By that point we had all resorted to raiding bodies for bullets and rations. An end to the war meant medical help and supplies for us all regardless of who won.

A day went by and there was nothing, not even a ship in the sky. The radios were dead and there was no news. It was cold and misty. Not a true rain, nothing we could catch and drink, although we tried, it was just enough to cause hypothermia but not enough to do any good. We had nothing for 2 weeks. Very little water, less food, no medical supplies, or aid of any kind. Half of the soldiers that survived to the surrender died after the war was over. Wounds that should have been treatable ended up being fatal. I had to end the suffering of several soldiers myself when help seemed like it would never come. Sepsis isn't a pretty way to die. Those supplies would have meant survival for dozens, if not hundreds of soldiers.

He looked up his face hardened, "So we should have gotten ourselves killed to try and deliver those supplies?"

She grabbed the tablet, and when she was done practically threw it at Connor. You could have at least tried, rather than turning tail and running to save your own hides.

"It was hopeless. We never would have made it to the ground. Murphy and I would have been killed, and you still would have been without supplies." Connor raised his voice, he was loosing his calm.

She grabbed the tablet again I think you underestimate your brother's flying skills. And Roger and I were covering the landing site. Pilots were always safe on the ground. Sniper teams were always in place for every scheduled cargo drop. No pilot ever died while on the ground. Me and mine made sure of that.

"I know how good my brother is. I was there when he was trained. There's no way he could dodge that many ships, land, unload cargo, and get away safely. Even if we were safe on the ground, once out of range of the cover fire we would have been killed on the way back out" He realized he was yelling. His voice then softened to a harsh whisper, "Not even Murphy's that good." Connor began pacing as Mouse started writing again. He didn't notice tears begin to form in her eyes. He was trying too hard to control his own anger.

And because you didn't, I lost Jesse. I found him the day of the surrender. He had been shot, but it shouldn't have been a big deal. A clean shot through in his upper arm. With a first aid kit and a few stitches he should have been fine. Unfortunately, we had run out of first aid supplies 3 days before and there was nothing to seal the wound with. Everything was wet so there was no way to even try and cauterize the wound. It got infected, and the infection spread into his bloodstream. He went septic. It was 12 days after the surrender, and the talks were still ongoing. I knew help wouldn't come in time, so I took care of things. I had no more bullets, so I had to use my knife. I killed my big brother. He should have walked out of there, instead his body rotted in that valley with the rest.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and tossed the tablet to Connor, but it was intercepted by Murphy. He had entered the galley when they weren't looking and stood between his twin and the little mercenary.

Murphy had been feeling strong emotions coming from the galley for the last few minutes. He knew something was going on, but wasn't sure exactly what. He only knew he had felt a pull to go to his brother. He set the auto-pilot and headed towards his twin.

"What's all this now?" he asked as he caught the flying tablet.

Connor tried to get the tablet away from him, but Murphy was able to dodge his brother with ease.

He began reading Mouse's end of the conversation. The smile vanished from his face as he read. By the time he got to the end, he had gone pale. He noticed Mouse had moved to the galley counter and was crying. He could feel the anger and frustration rolling off of Connor. Murph tossed the tablet to his brother and wiped a tear from his own eye. He looked at Mouse and crossed the room to where she was standing.

He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. As soon as he touched her, his eyes rolled back into his head and he screamed. Connor shot across the room but wasn't quick enough. Murphy collapsed. Mouse did her best to try and catch him, tried to make sure he didn't hit his head on the way down, but she ended up just using her own body to break his fall.

MMMMM

Murphy wasn't sure where he was. It was rainy, but not a nice steady rain, it was misting. There was enough water in the air to be damp, but not collect anywhere. Murph found himself in a trench. He tried to move, but found that he wasn't in control of the body he was in.

He's had out of body experiences before. Usually they were tied to Connor, but he knew Connor had never been in a trench, certainly not one that was filled with mud, blood, and other things he didn't even want to think about.

The body he was in made its way quickly and silently down the wall. He saw the tiny feet and hands that belonged to this person, adding that up with the way it was moving, and he figured he must be in Mouse's body.

That girl was meant to be in our family, if I can receive her memories. He thought as he relaxed and went along for the ride.

MMMMM

Connor lifted his brother off of Mouse and they managed to get him to the couch. Murphy was screaming and holding his head. His face was a grimace of pain, and there were tears streaming from his eyes. Mouse tried to get his attention, but his eyes remained focused on a different sight.

Connor retrieved a cool, damp cloth from the sink and handed it to Mouse. She sat next to Murphy on the couch, her tiny frame not taking up much room. She took the cloth and used it to wipe the tears from his face. She made soothing clicking noises and began rubbing his arms trying to bring him around.

Connor went and retrieved the tablet Murphy had thrown to him and sat down to finish reading. Once he was done he walked up and put a hand on Mouse's shoulder. She stiffened, but didn't pull away.

"I'm sorry about your brother. I don't regret my decision, but the guilt is powerful." He motioned towards Murphy, "Murph has taken the worst of it though." Mouse nodded.

She took the tablet from Connor. What just happened?

"He gets flashbacks, vivid memories, visions, and all kinds of things. After the war he was plagued with flashes nearly every day. Now they seem to only manifest when he's around people who are extremely emotional, or he's thinking about the war. I think we sent him into this particular vision with our conversation." Connor sat down on the floor near his brother's head. He looked slightly guilty, Mouse's features bore a similar look.

So it's our fault. Is there anything we can do?

"All we can do is wait for him to come around. It doesn't last more than 5 or 10 minutes in extreme cases, and most of his episodes last less than a minute. He'll come around with a horrible headache, and be exhausted for a while. He should probably just sleep here tonight. Getting him down into his bed is going to be a problem." Connor smoothed Murphy's hair back from his face. Murph seemed to quiet down, but still didn't wake.

MMMMM

He could see as Mouse moved up the trench until she came to a glorified lean-to; sandbags on one side with a tarp coming off of it. There was one man inside, lying on a tarp with a coat over him like a blanket. She went straight to the man. He had once been well-muscled and strong. Probably stood well over 6 feet. He had the look of someone who was used to hard living. He was now a shell of what he once was. Mouse had to help him hold his head up. She had 2 small bottles of water and helped him drink them both. She didn't have any. Murphy figured she used her own water ration for this man. He could feel the heat coming off the man's body. He realized that the man had a nasty infection. He was pale, but his face was slightly flushed, eyes glassy, and he didn't seem able to focus on anything in particular.

She whistled at him and he blinked a few times. "Mousey?" He whispered. She nodded. "Don't leave me." She took his hand and signed into it never. He passed out a few seconds later.

She exposed his wound and Murphy was shocked by what he saw. It had once been a nice, clean wound. There was an entry site and an exit that wasn't much bigger. It should have been a nothing kind of injury, especially for a guy as strong as he must have been. A few stitches and some antibiotics and he should have been right as rain. Now there was a spider web of red centering on the hole and moving outwards. Up his arm and down. His hand was swollen and the fingers were turning black. Murphy knew what was happening; gangrene had set in. A yellow, cloudy fluid leaked from the wound with a little bit of blood. The man also had a distinct rattle in his chest. Pneumonia. Between the wound, the infection, and the fluid in his lungs Murphy knew he wasn't going to last much longer. Mouse took out her pad and flagged down a corpsman.

Any word on getting the wounded out?

"No ma'am. I checked 30 minutes ago and there's still nothing. At this point the earliest we might hear something is tomorrow afternoon. They are still in negotiations."

She nodded and sent him on his way.

She took out her service revolver and checked, no more bullets. She went through both of their clothes looking for even one spare bullet. Nothing. She checked her rifle and again found no more bullets. She sighed and pulled out her knife. It wasn't a big blade, but it would do the trick. She laid him down on his back and removed his dogtags. She also took his coat. He wasn't going to need it, and hers had been seriously damaged. He moaned a bit as she moved him, but didn't wake. His coat was warm and smelled like him. He had been covering himself with it so it still pretty clean. She went through his pockets and made sure there wasn't anything else. She found a picture of, what Murphy assumed was, their family, a bible, and a knife. She stashed them all on her person.

She made soothing clicking noises as she kissed him on the forehead. Tears were streaming down her face nearly obscuring her vision. Murphy got a strong impression from her mind; In all of the years, she hasn't been able to speak she wished to God that she could, just for the next few moments. She needed to soothe him. Make sure he knew she was there in his last moments. She took a deep breath, kissed his cheek. She then felt for his pulse. Murphy could feel the rapid thready beat under Mouse's delicate fingers. She placed the knife in the exact spot her fingers had just been, and looked up to the heavens. She signed and plunged the knife in. Hot blood spilled all over the tarp she had covered herself with. The man twitched once, sighed, and was gone. His eyes never opened. She covered him with the tarp and went back down the trench.

She made her way to another lean-to. She took the things out of her pockets and stashed them in a backpack. She took out the dogtags and read it; Sgt. Mouskewitz, Jesse A. She curled up in the coat and cried herself to sleep.

MMMMM

Any idea what he's seeing?

"No. We won't know until he comes back. And that's only if he decides to tell us what he saw. Usually he won't tell me. Just takes some meds and goes to sleep. By morning he pretends nothing happened."

Mouse got up. She went to the infirmary and retrieved the drugs that they used for Murphy's migraines and picking up a glass of water on her way back. She set them down on the table and picked up her tablet again.

I know that what happened isn't your fault. I know you would have died if you had tried to land. I don't hold it against you. The memories of that place are just too much sometimes. I had a huge family before the war. 20 of us went away to fight. The rest of the extended family stayed on Shadow. After were released, only Jordan and I remained. None of our family from Shadow could be found, and none of our siblings or cousins survived the war. The Mouskewitz family went from well over 100 to 2.

"I didn't know you lost so many in the war. You had 2 other brothers that died as well, right?" She nodded. "I couldn't imagine going through what you have." He stroked Murphy's hair, "Losing George would be quite a blow, but having to kill Murphy, I don't think I could do it." He got a faraway look on his face.

You'd be surprised what you can do when someone you love is in pain. I know what I did was right in the same way that you know what you did was right. We took care of our brothers the only way we could.

"True." He looked lost in thought. He took her hand and pointed out her engagement ring. He smiled softly. "But think about this, you're about to become a McManus. You're about to gain back a huge family. Not that we'd replace what you lost, but it's something good coming out of all of this, right?" He squeezed her hand as she wrote something else on her tablet.

Yeah. What do you say we agree to forgive each other and ourselves? Bury the hatchet and try to move on.

He smiled as he read it. A smile had reached Mouse's face as well, "Yeah, I think we can do that." He gave her a hug. She wasn't sure at first, but she gave in and put her arms around him too.

Just then Murphy seemed to come around. He tried to sit up, but Connor sat on the edge of the couch and stopped him. Murph looked around the room with a dazed expression. He then put his hand in front of his face and wiggled his fingers. He heaved a huge sigh.

"Here." Connor handed Murphy the pills and the glass of water. Murph took them gladly. Once he had finished the glass, he sat all the way up.

His face bearing intense emotion, Murphy looked at Mouse; she leaned forward and gave him a reassuring hug. Somehow she knew he had seen something that involved her. She wasn't sure what, but her first instinct was to comfort him.

He whispered in her ear "I'm sorry about Jesse. I saw it all. I don't know how you did it. I'm so sorry." He started to cry. She rubbed his back and made soothing clicking noises while she waited for him to recover. She discovered she was crying as well. As soon as he was able to break away from her, Connor gave his shoulder a squeeze as Mouse went to the tablet again.

Connor and I have come to an understanding. We all made choices that day, and we have to learn to live with them. You need to be a part of that too. We're going to be family, and family sticks together, no matter what.

Murphy read her words and smiled. "You got it cuz." He leaned back into the couch and Connor got a blanket for him. He opened his eyes and looked at them "Promise me one thing kids,"

"What?" Connor asked, Mouse cocked her head, indicating she was listening.

"No more fights about Serenity Valley," he pointed to Mouse, "I can't handle any more of her memories. You are one screwed up chick." He smirked and caught the pillow Mouse threw at his head.

Connor tucked his brother into the couch and turned off the light as he led Mouse out of the room. They ran into George on their way back to the bridge.

He saw the state they were in and grew concerned. "You guys ok?"

Connor and Mouse looked at each other and she nodded as he said "Yup, we are now."

Mouse turned to George and signed Connor and I had some issues to deal with, and Murphy had a Serenity Valley flashback. One of mine actually. He's sleeping in the galley. Connor's going to take his shift at the helm, and you are going to take me to bed.

"Ok. How did Murphy get one of your flashbacks?" George asked as he put an arm around her.

"I think it's because she's meant to be a McManus George. She's one of us. The Psychic Wonder has proved it, so we have to make her family. One of us has to marry her; and seeing as how she and I don't get along very well, it's going to have to be you."

Mouse smacked his arm gently as he finished.

"Yeah, I might as well marry her, seeing as how I got her that ring and our stuff's in the same bunk and everything." She stuck her tongue out at him, and he picked her up. She had a shocked look on her face as he flung her over his shoulder and headed down the hall. "Night Con."

"Goodnight kids." Connor returned to the bridge. He felt better than he had in a long time. Everything felt right with the world. There was a chance that together they could find a way to leave Serenity Valley behind for good.